Love is Revival
by Xlovestory33X
Summary: Eli Goldsworthy knows of the terrors of war. He returns home with physical scars to accompany the ones haunting his mind. Aspiring journalist Clare Edwards stumbles upon this soldier just as she is embarking on an article focused on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Drawn to him by a force she can't comprehend, she joins him on his struggle and seemingly impossible path to recovery.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi lovely readers! Welcome to Love is Revival! :) To those of you who have read Love is Protection, I must thank you all again. After reading your comments at the end of that story and all the amazing motivation you guys left me, this one just kind of flowed right after. You guys are such awesome readers so this story goes out to all of you in thanks! ****This is also dedicated to all those who serve us. Who go into battle and sacrifice so much for the freedoms we get to enjoy back here at home. And to the families of those who fight. Their sacrifices cannot be overlooked and I thank them all for their service.  
**

**Let's embark on this journey with a broken soldier, Elijah Goldsworthy, and the patient journalist, Clare Edwards, who may become the one thing able to revive him from the scars of war. Okay my dears, here is Love is Revival! Please enjoy! :)  
**

Eventually you realize it has become a part of you.

The humid scent of the desert winds engraves itself into your senses.

The sight of limbs that have been agonizingly placed in unnatural positions becomes the new normal.

You become desensitized to another's pain.

You no longer feel remorse.

It is simply your duty.

You know how strenuous it is to have the heavy load of your military backpack weigh you down everywhere you go. But you don't mind it. Everything in your pack is essential to your survival.

You know what it feels like to have the bullet of an AK-47 miss your head by mere centimeters when an unforeseen attack comes your way.

You know what the voices of the wounded and dying sound like in their desperate pleas for help.

You know how the faces of even the strongest men break down with an uncontrollable flow of tears. And you don't judge them as some men would judge others back home. Because you yourself are mere inches away from stepping over the fragile line between insanity and reality. You simply walk away and allow them their moment of emotion.

What we do is not easy. It is the toughest task known to man. We spend every second in fear that it may be our last.

And with each second that goes by, we begin to forget of the now seemingly foreign life back home. Those we left to come to battle are merely blurry images in our minds. And the more our minds are polluted with the sight of war, the less we can hold on to the few images that keep us rooted and sane.

So some of us begin to stop fearing that every second may be our last. Instead, we begin to embrace it. We begin to embrace anything that can stop ourselves from losing sight of the life we left.

I open my eyes as our vehicle comes into contact with a pothole and I am jerked away from my thoughts. I turn my head and survey the men sitting around me. The men of the 1st Battalion of The Royal Canadian Regiment. I've been with this same handful of guys for about two years now. One year while we were stationed and training in the Petawawa base and one year in combat.

I turn my head to my right and watch as Dave reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small, worn photo.

"You know you look at that every time we go into battle, right?" I tease him.

He continues to stare at the photo of his new fiance back home. "Yeah, yeah. Joke all you want. But man, Alli's the one thing keeping me safe. If I didn't have her to return to, I wouldn't be fighting so hard."

I want to give him a teasing comeback, but I can't. Only because I wish I had what Dave never ceases to boast about. A loved one to return to. Granted, I have Bullfrog and Cece, also known as Dad and Mom. And of course there's Adam and my other handful of friends. But ever since losing _her_, I haven't even tried to find another connection like the one Dave has with Alli.

I shake my head to my thoughts. Julia's death was my fault. It's not fair if I move on with someone else while she remains nothing but a corpse. Sometimes I feel like being in this battlefield is simply a way of punishing myself for it.

I cringe at how dark my thoughts have turned.

"You ready for this?" I ask him as our convoy slows down in the middle of an Iraqi town where we're told some insurgents have made base.

Dave reaches his hand out and I immediately join him in a handshake we've come up with over the years. As we snap our fingers, he speaks up our usual routine. "I'll watch your back, bro."

"Like it's my own," I finish for him.

This exchange between Dave and I has almost become a part of the battles we fight. It may be superstitious, but in our twisted minds, it's just another thing we can hold onto to keep us safe. You tend to cling to whatever you can out here.

I follow the rest of our men out of the vehicle and onto the dusty street. A few children stand and watch as we all scan the surrounding areas.

I listen for our orders. "Dave, Eli. You get the building to the South," I hear our Captain call out to us.

We both nod in confirmation before I take a few steps forward and raise up my gun.

"I'm right behind you," I hear Dave's voice as we continue towards the alleyway beside the building.

I take a deep breath before turning my body and fully facing the alley. My eyes dart around and I scan for any sudden movements. Anything out of the ordinary.

"I think it's cl –"

Before I even have the chance to finish, the loud and familiar noise of gunshots rings in the air. My body reacts before my mind has a chance to catch up.

I shift towards my right where the sound came from and catch sight of the bastard out of the second story window of the building.

That's when I pull my trigger.

My finger rests in position as shot after shot is fired. The deafening sounds they make immerse themselves into my senses.

I stop my attack only after I am sure multiple bullets hit my target.

I immediately turn around towards Dave and my eyes widen at the sight.

"Dave!" I yell as I run over to where he has fallen.

I drop my gun as I kneel next to him and pry his uniform open.

_Shit_.

Two wounds. One in his right forearm. The other on his right side near his waist.

"I need a medic!" I yell out towards the street.

I hear Dave cough slightly. "T-tell me you got the bastard."

I apply pressure to his wounds to stop the bleeding. "The asshole won't see daylight again."

I hear Dave attempt a laugh but it comes out as a cough. "Good."

His eyes begin to drift closed. "No, no. Dave. Focus. I need a medic!" I yell again. "Keep your eyes open."

I look up as our convoy's medic makes his way over to me along with a few soldiers.

"Think of Alli," I tell Dave knowing full well he'll fight through hell and back for that girl.

And just as the medic arrives on the scene, I feel a pain in my upper right arm.

It shocks me to the point of numbness before the agonizing pain begins to slowly reach my senses.

My left hand automatically reaches for my gun as I turn around with a new surge of adrenaline in my system. Luckily, I don't have to fire as more members of our group converge on the scene and fight the battle for me.

"I need you to help me get him out of here!" I hear the medic's loud shout over the noise of gunfire.

I nod my head in response before lifting Dave up and dragging him out with his left arm across my shoulder and the medic carefully grasping his injured arm.

As we reach the vehicle, I drop Dave into the open trunk before letting out a sound in pain. I glance down at my arm.

_Fuck._

That's the first time I've ever been hit in combat. And the pain. The pain is excruciating.

"Let me look at that," I vaguely hear the medic's voice.

I shake my head. "Focus on him."

Seeing as how Dave's wounds are much worse than mine, he readily agrees to my request. I glance down at my now bloody arm and apply pressure to the wound before sliding down the side of the vehicle.

I close my eyes as the pain threatens to consume my body.

_Is this what it felt like for you Julia?_

My body sweats profusely in response as my breathing becomes rapid. I feel a dizziness rush over me as the pain from my arm intermingles with my body's exhaustion in the heat.

The last thing I remember is Dave's piercing screams before all went black.

**That concludes Chapter 1! This is more of a prologue type chapter. Believe me, the plot will definitely pick up in pace in the next few chapters. You never know, a certain blue eyed sweetheart may make an appearance in Chapter 2. :) Please feel free to leave me your thoughts. They truly bring a smile to my face whenever I read them. Until next time, bye my loves! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello my dears! A huge thank you goes out to all of you who read and responded to the first chapter. All you who followed, favorited, and reviewed, I genuinely appreciate it! I was happy to hear from you who have read my other stories before. I always love to read what you all have to say. And I'd like to say hello to those who haven't read my stories before. I'm excited to get to hear from you guys as well. :) So the first chapter gave us an introduction to Eli and this chapter will be an introduction to the lovely Clare. I hope you all enjoy! :)**

I twist the familiar ring on my left hand around and around out of nervous habit as my eyes glance around and survey the office I'm sitting in. It's your typical newspaper editor's abode. Stacks upon stacks of papers clutter the desk. A large window allows for breathtaking views of the hustle and bustle of downtown Toronto. The constant stream of telephone rings and fingers typing away on keyboards fills the room. I smile to myself. It's the perfect atmosphere.

"Ms. Edwards?" I hear a woman's voice intermingle with the other noise in the room.

I turn around and begin to stand up.

"Don't trouble yourself. Have a seat. It's nice to finally meet you."

I smile warmly at her while returning to my previous position. "Thank you so much. It's an honor to meet you, Mrs. Pollack." I eagerly shake her awaiting hand across her desk.

"Call me Marianne. So it says here that you've been studying journalism at the University of Toronto?" she inquires as glances at my resume.

"Y-yes," I stutter a response as her to the point dialogue surprises me. Most other interviews I've been to have been full of "Nice weather today, huh?" and "What great movies have you been to recently?"

And surprisingly, I like Marianne's approach much more.

"How did you like that?"

"I've really enjoyed my experience there. I learned a lot and my favorite professors were those who actually forced us out of our comfort zones. Granted it was hard for me. I tend to be a bit of a control freak," I chuckle. "But it was a great opportunity to expand my horizons. But let's just say I'm tired of my voice only being heard by someone whose job it is to hear it."

She offers me a kind smile. "What issues strike you today? If I hired you for this full-time writer position, what would your first article be about?"

My eyes widen as the countless possibilities flood my mind. "Well there's so many –"

"One topic. Sell it to me."

"You want me to pitch a topic to you?" I ask her as my voice rises slightly in confusion and worry as a vague memory from so long ago immerses itself into my senses.

"Prove to me that hiring you will be an asset to my team."

I clear my throat as I latch onto one of the many topics swimming around my mind.

"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Are our soldiers really receiving appropriate care when coming home? If they are, then why so many suicides? Where is the disconnect between the battle field and returning home?"

"Why is this important?"

"Because these men and women risk their lives to fight for what we have here at home. If we allow them to struggle without doing anything, what does that say about us? Are we selfish enough to let them deal with this on their own or are we going to step up and do something about it?"

She stares at me for a moment as she analyzes my reasoning. "And how will this article exactly help our newspaper in a day and age where traditional papers are struggling to survive?"

"The public is drawn to the strange and the abnormal. There's just a part of us that is intrigued by it. And when you mix that with an appeal to pathos and our morality, you can have a pretty attractive article." I take a breath to calm myself from that fast paced conversation.

I watch as Marianne leans forward and rests her elbows on her desk as her chin falls onto her joined hands. "I like you, Clare. I like that you're not afraid to stand up for what you believe in or go against common belief. You have to have a point of view which is crucial when being a journalist. And frankly, you're the best I've seen these past few weeks."

I feel a grin make itself onto my face. _Could this be it? After weeks and weeks of searching, did I really just start my career?_ "I really appreciate that. Thank you," I tell her in a low voice as I've never really been one comfortable with praise.

"But I've been wrong about writers before."

I quickly shake my head. "You're not wrong about me." _I just want this so bad._

She takes in a deep breath. "Write the article. If I choose to publish it, you're in. If not, well, let's hope it doesn't come to that."

I just sit there eyes wide and mouth slightly open in shock. _She's actually giving me a chance?_

She just laughs at my expression. "Unlike the other editors in this city, I'm willing to take a risk on a young journalist. They'd be idiots not to do the same. Your generation is bringing something new and fresh to our industry. Lord knows we need the revival."

I shake my head to bring myself back to reality. "Wow, thank you. I am so honored."

She waves her hand. "No need for all that. I know you want this. But you have to prove it to me."

"When's my deadline?" I ask her.

"Seeing as how Jimmy isn't leaving for another month and a half, you get that long to try and snatch his position. Plus, your topic requires a good amount of research. I'd rather you give me quality material then rush an incomplete article."

I can barely contain my excitement. "Thank you, Marianne. You won't regret this. I promise."

She stands up and reaches her hand out to me again. "I look forward to hearing from you soon, Clare."

I shake her hand with a smile before turning away and walking out of her office at _The Toronto Herald _and outside for some fresh air.

Ever since the terrifying experience I had at _The Interpreter_ when I was in high school, being a journalist seemed like a distant dream. And after all the countless rejections and unanswered phone calls, I was starting to believe it was impossible. Today made it more tangible than ever before. I can actually succeed.

I smile to myself. I've overcome.

I reach into my bag for my phone and dial Alli's familiar number to tell her the good news.

I begin walking down the street towards our apartment when I hear a clicking noise indicating she picked up.

Not even waiting for her greeting, I excitedly start talking. "Alli! You won't believe my news!"

And what I hear in response causes me to freeze in the middle of the crowded street. Her loud sobs overtake the conversation.

"Alli? What's wrong? What happened?"

I strain to comprehend her voice through her uncontrollable emotion. "It's Dave. He was hit."

My hand flies up to my mouth in fear and shock. "No. Alli…" I trail off as my own eyes begin to glisten with tears. Tears for my best friend and tears for a friend.

"Can you please come home?"

I immediately force my paralyzed body to move. "I'm on my way, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can."

She manages a faint "thank you" in response before hanging up the phone.

As I await the signal to cross the street at an intersection, I bite my lip to stop my emotions from surfacing. _Why Dave, God? Of all people out there, why would You have him be shot? Alli can't handle this on top of everything else._

Which is true. When Alli returned from MIT, it wasn't because her coursework and research was complete although that's what everyone believes. She's told me things in confidence. She's told me all about how lonely she felt with none of her friends or family around. I watched her cry the day she returned as she tells me of the huge mistake she made in one of the trials that cost the university a good amount of funding. She was exhausted and she couldn't deal with it all on her own.

And so she returned and I immediately had her move in with me. Her parents agreed to it seeing as how they trusted me and my apartment is not too far from where they live. The great thing is that everything happens for a reason. And she ran into Dave at The Dot soon after returning. It was plain as day to both of them that nothing had changed.

Ever since then, they've been attached at the hip. Him joining the forces was tough on everyone, but the ring which finds its home on Alli's left hand is just a reminder of his commitment to return.

I can't help but allow a tear to slide down my cheek. _Don't let him break that commitment. Please._

I finally make it to the apartment complex before riding the elevator up to our floor. I frantically fish my keys out of my bag and unlock the door. I run over to the living room where I see Alli curled up on the couch as silence fills the room. I drop my bag on side table before hesitatingly walking towards her.

"Alli?" I ask in a gentle voice.

She opens her eyes as I kneel down before her and grab one of her hands in mine.

I watch as her lip quivers. "I'm so scared," she tells me in a whisper.

"Me too," I respond as my eyes burn with emotion.

I don't know how long we remained in that position, but with Alli's strong and reliant grip on my hand, I don't dare go anywhere.

After a little while, I speak up. "Tell me what happened."

She sniffles before responding. "His parents called. It happened about a week ago. I guess it wasn't a routine town they were used to so he probably wasn't familiar with his surroundings. All I know is two soldiers were hit that day and that Dave was one of them."

I close my eyes as I can only imagine how terrifying it must have been for those involved. "How bad is it?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "We don't know."

I sigh in frustration. "Let me go get you some water, okay?"

She silently nods her head as I leave her and grab a cool glass of water from the kitchen.

She sits up and makes room for me to join her on the couch.

"What was your good news?" Alli asks me as she takes a long drink from the glass.

I give her a small smile. "You're looking at a potential new writer for _The Toronto Herald_."

Her eyes widen as she sets her glass down on the side table. "Clare! That's great news. I'm really happy for you."

I shake my head slowly. "It feels wrong being happy about anything right now," I say in a light voice.

Her head finds its way onto my shoulder in response and we sit there in silence as our thoughts remain with a soldier who is God knows where struggling with God knows how many injuries.

Some hours later, my eyes flutter awake and I take in my surroundings. I realize I'm still on the couch and Alli is fast asleep on the opposite side. I push myself into an upright position before gently getting off the couch so as not to wake Alli from her much needed rest.

I make my way over to the kitchen and fill myself a glass of water and turn on the coffee machine. I grab my worn copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ and flip it open to the place I left off last.

Just as I am reading about Elizabeth's first visit to Pemberley, the sound of the phone breaks the silence. I jump off of my seat at the kitchen table and run over to answer it, hoping the noise did not interrupt Alli's slumber.

"Hello?" I ask into the receiver.

"Clare?"

I almost drop the phone in shock.

"Dave!" I yell into the phone. "What happened? Where are you? Are you safe?"

"One question at a time, Clare." He chuckles.

"I'm sorry," I tell him still reeling with the fact that he is safe. "It's just that we heard that you got hit only yesterday. I didn't believe we would hear from you so soon."

"I wasn't sure that I could be able to make this call until only a few days ago," he tells me in almost a whisper.

I suck in a breath. "Is it that bad?"

"I got hit twice and was in surgery for a pretty long time. They have me in a hospital in Germany right now to recuperate."

I slide down the wall separating the kitchen from the living room in exhaustion from the rollercoaster of emotions I've been hit with this past day. "I'm just so glad to hear you're alright," I tell him sincerely. "It nearly killed Alli."

I hear him let out a deep breath. "I need to hear her voice. It's been so long."

I quickly respond. "Hold on just a second. I have to wake her up."

I run to the couch and shake Alli awake.

"Alli, Alli wake up."

She looks at me through groggy eyes. "What is it, Clare?"

I just hand her the phone and her eyes travel from my grinning face to the phone and back. It only takes her a few seconds before she jumps off the couch and snatches the phone from my hand.

"Dave!" I hear her sob into the phone. "Don't ever scare me like that again!"

I smile softly before leaving the room and giving them their privacy.

**I can only imagine how tough that must be to hear that kind of news. But luckily, Dave is safe! :) As for the next chapter, I do believe a certain soldier finally meets a certain journalist. Hmmm, I wonder who they could be? ;P Thank you all for reading and please do be so kind as to leave me your thoughts. See you all very soon! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again beautiful people! :) Can I just say a quick thank you in gratitude to all of you who have been so kind as to have responded to this story so far. You are all just way too sweet for words and I am honestly very grateful that you guys are enjoying the story so far! So I was really excited to write this chapter and now that it is done, I'm excited for you all to read it! Please enjoy! :) **

I smirk in humor at Dave's constant fidgeting.

"Do I look alright?" He asks me in a worried tone.

I chuckle in response. "As good as you're going to look in a hospital gown."

He glares at me. "Thanks, Eli. You're a big help," he states sarcastically.

"I know," I respond jokingly before turning my attention away from Dave and towards the large window of our hospital room. We arrived back in Canada just about two days ago and have been holding residence in the medical clinic on the Pettawawa base. The past week has been a different kind of hell from the one I've experienced for the past year in combat. This hell threatens to never end. I glance at the large military backpack at the base of my bed and close my eyes as I am drawn to a memory a few days ago.

_Cold._

_Wherever I am right now, I feel cold. _

_As I slowly regain consciousness, I register a constant stream of voices and footsteps coming and going. I hesitatingly open my eyes and blink rapidly several times at the harsh light of day. _

_I twist over onto my back and take in the beeping monitors around me and the multiple wires attached to my body._

"_About time you came to," a voice calls out to me. _

_I turn my head and watch as Dave attempts to sit up higher on his bed. The grimace on his face relays that even that slight movement is causing him pain. _

_Pain._

_I glance down at my right arm where the endless shots of pain from the battle come back into my memory. The now slight, almost undetectable, pain emerging from my wound feels like a fucking walk in the park compared to that initial impact. _

"_Where the hell are we?" I ask Dave._

"_Germany. They flew us out after the medics on the ground thought we needed more proper assistance. You don't remember this?"_

_I slowly shake my head. "No. Last thing I remember is this bitch of an injury knocking me out."_

_Dave pulls his gown aside slightly to show me his wound. "I feel your pain, bro."_

"_Shit," I mumble at the sight of his injury. _

"_Yeah," he responds back lightly while returning his gown back to its original place._

"_Elijah Goldsworthy? Nice to see you up and talking," a male voice speaks up. Both Dave and I look up at the doctor walking into our room as he glances at the multiple sheets on his clipboard. "I'm Doctor Banner. How are you feeling?"_

"_I've been better," I tell him. _

"_You took two bullets to your right arm. And I know it may not have felt like it, but you were lucky. If any of those bullets hit an artery, you probably wouldn't have been here right now."_

_I swallow at the new information. I hate to admit that as much as I say I would have embraced death, my fear of it consumes me. _

"_What made your injury worse was the hypovolemic shock you went through upon impact."_

_What the fuck does that mean? "English, please." I hear Dave speak up from beside me and I silently thank the God I don't believe in for his request. _

"_It happens when your body enters a state of decreased blood volume. Your body's natural response is to quicken your respiratory and circulatory rates. You lost a good amount of blood which is peculiar considering the injury."_

"_So that's why I blacked out?"_

_He nods in response. "I think your body was weak. Were you eating and drinking regularly?"_

_I mentally slap myself for my decision to hand my remaining water supply over to a small Iraqi girl at one of our stops before the target. _

"_Probably not as much as I should have been," I confess._

_He offers me a small smile. "Nothing you can do about it now. Both you guys are headed on a flight back to Canada in the morning. They'll treat you a little while longer for your physical wounds and you'll have to see a mental health specialist once you get settled."_

"_Why?" I ask him._

"_Just protocol. Once they clear you, you'll probably be shipped out again." A beeping noise emerges from his pocket. He glances at it. "Sorry, I have to get to another patient. Glad to see you both are recovering well."_

"_Thanks, Doc." Dave offers in response as the man in the white coat walks out of the room._

"_You know what that means, right?"_

_I look over at him curiously. "What?"_

_His smile overwhelms his features. "I get to see Alli soon."_

_I give him a small smile knowing it's been way too long since he's been with her. _

_And all of a sudden, before I can respond, an overwhelming feeling of fear overtakes my emotions. _

_My eyes widen._

_My throat constricts._

_My heart pumps quickly against my chest._

_I need my backpack. "Where the hell is my pack?" I ask Dave as I frantically search the room with my eyes. _

"_What?"_

"_Where is my pack?" I ask him more forcefully. _

_He gestures towards a closet in front of my bed. "They put all our stuff in there."_

"_Are you sure?" I ask him._

_He nods his head, confused at my abrupt reaction. "I saw them put it there myself."_

_I feel my breathing begin to slow down as I once again relax into the mattress. It's right there. If I need it, I can get to it. I'll be fine. _

It's been like that ever since. I can't let that damn bag out of my sight.

Not that I'm complaining. I'd much rather haul it around than experience the paranoia and dread that seeps into my veins whenever it's not near me.

"Man, I can't believe I haven't seen her in months and the first thing she sees me in is this."

I turn my head back towards Dave and am thankful for his comic relief. "Don't worry, Dave. You look just as horrible as usual. She's used to it," I laugh out.

I'm met with the soft contact of a pillow to my face in response. "Shut up," he mumbles before allowing a chuckle to escape his lips.

Both our attention perks up towards the door leading into the hallway as the echoing noise of heels impacting with the ground makes its way into our room.

"That has to be Alli," Dave says right before a girl's figure comes into our sight.

Correction. _Two_ girls.

The first looks much like the picture Dave carries with him into battle so I assume that's Alli. She's just as the picture shows with her large eyes and long black hair. But my eyes are curiously drawn to the girl walking behind her.

And I have no clue why, but my heartbeat jumps at the sight of her.

Her pale skin is dressed with a white floral dress that falls just above her knees. The small heels she wears I'm assuming contributed to the loud noise earlier. Her curled hair falls just to her shoulders. But that's not what intrigues me.

A pair of large blue eyes slowly begins to consume my thoughts.

After months and months of the images of war, the beauty radiating from this one girl is a site for sore eyes.

"Dave!" Alli shrieks in a high pitched voice before running over to the side of his bed and practically throwing herself onto him.

"Ouch, Alli. Recently shot guy over here," he chokes out.

Her eyes widen before she quickly pulls off of him. "Oops. Sorry," she chuckles.

He reaches for her hand and pulls her to sit onto the bed. "I didn't say I didn't like it."

I can feel myself wanting to vomit at their interaction.

Seems like the other person in the room does too. "It hasn't even been a minute and you two are as gross as ever," she chuckles lightly with a slight shake of her head.

"I second the gross part," I speak up for the first time.

Everyone's attention turns towards me as if just registering my presence.

Dave clears his throat. "Alli, Clare. This is Eli. But I like to call him Guy with Foot in His Mouth."

_Clare. Fitting name._

I grab the pillow he chucked at me earlier and throw it back towards him.

"Eli works fine," I tell the two ladies.

"So Eli was the other one who was hit that day?" Clare's soft voice sounds out.

I glance over and realize that Dave and Alli are too engrossed in each other for him to answer the question.

I nod my head. "Bastards got my arm while I was attending to this guy over here."

Dave's attention returns back to the conversation. "And that's why I trust that guy over there with my life."

I smirk at him in thanks. Regardless of whatever shit Dave pulls, I'll never hesitate to take a bullet for him. His companionship out there where all you feel is alone makes him more of a brother to me than anything else.

Alli clears her throat. "It's great to meet you, Eli. And thank you for taking care of his dumb butt out there. But…" she trails off as she gets off the bed and begins to pull at the curtain that separates our two beds. "I haven't seen Dave in a long time and would like some privacy."

And with that she jerks the curtain fully forward until her and Dave are completely concealed behind it.

I glance up at Clare who is looking down at the ground with the slightest hint of a blush on her cheeks.

"Are they always like this?" I ask her.

She looks up at me from behind her eyelashes before nodding. "Pretty much," she laughs.

"Hey, I heard that Clare!" Alli speaks up from behind the curtain.

We both chuckle before a silence falls upon us.

And I realize I'm nervous.

I laugh inwardly. I'll go into battle facing death without so much as a single feeling of nerves, but I'm alone, well somewhat alone, with a girl and my nerves go into overdrive.

"Want to sit?" I ask her as I gesture towards the chair next to the side of my bed.

She glances at it and ponders over my question for a few seconds. "Sure. Thank you," she responds as she slowly walks towards the chair and takes a seat while setting her purse down on the ground.

"So…" she trails off.

"So…" I respond with a chuckle. "How long have you known Dave?"

"Ever since our freshman year of high school actually. So it's been a while. I didn't really know him too well until Alli started to date him. And I guess you can assume that Alli was the type of girl to readily discuss boys every second of every day."

"Yeah, I kind of got that. And you weren't?" I ask her.

She looks down in embarrassment. "Let's just say I was at school for an education, not boys."

"And that lasted until?"

"The middle of freshman year," she laughs.

I feel a smile make its way onto my face and realize that I've already laughed and smiled in Clare's presence more than I have in the past few months put together.

"How about you?" She perks up. "How long have you and Dave been serving together?"

"We trained together for a year on base and we've been in combat together for almost a year now."

She nods her head. "Thank you. For you service I mean."

I'm taken aback as not many people regard me in that way. I clear my throat awkwardly as I fish for something to say.

"You have pretty eyes."

_What the fuck? That's the best that I could come up with?_ I mentally slap myself multiple times.

Her eyes widen at my comment before she glances down and her cheeks turn a bright red color. I take it Clare is not used to compliments which is beyond me considering she is pretty much the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.

_What about Julia?_ A voice resonates in my mind.

And I immediately tense.

Not even a few minutes interacting with Clare and I've already forgotten the whole reason why I turn the other way when girls come along.

_Shit._

"Thanks," she finally responds in a whisper.

I immediately bring my gaze down to my hands and avoid eye contact with her.

This feeling of guilt is exactly why I'm much better off fighting overseas where all I can think about and focus on is the battle. Where I deal with my burden on my own.

Before either of us can break the silence that has loomed over our conversation, a loud giggle erupts from behind the curtain before footsteps sound and the curtain is removed.

"So I guess our lunch plans won't work out," Alli speaks up after returning the curtain to its original place. "Dave can't leave the hospital. I'm guessing we can just go grab a bite in the cafeteria downstairs?" She asks before glancing at Clare.

Clare immediately nods. "Yeah, sure. I'm fine with anything."

"Perfect!" She turns around and gives Dave a quick kiss. "We'll be back in a little bit."

He nods at her with a smile before she pulls away.

Clare stands up from her place next to me as she walks towards the door and my eyes follow her. She hesitates before turning towards me.

"I'll, uh, see you around?" She asks tentatively as if I wouldn't want to be okay with that idea.

"Guess you will," I respond with a smirk.

The light smile she gives me in response makes me realize that the blue eyed angel walking out of the room proves more threat to me than anyone or anything I've ever encountered at war.

**Those two are just too cute for words, aren't they? Anyways, that concludes chapter three. The next few chapters will be full of tons and tons of Eclare along with their own individual stories. So please be awesome and leave me your thoughts on how you liked their first introduction to each other. Your reviews seriously make me feel like a child on Christmas morning! :) Talk to you all soon! Bye! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello my dear readers! I hope you are all having a lovely day today! You guys never cease to make my day with your super sweet reviews! I genuinely appreciate all that you guys have to say and it makes it so much easier to write when I have such great motivation from you guys. So as I've mentioned in previous stories, sometimes the characters just end up going places I wasn't expecting as I write. Eli definitely took me a different route with this one, but surprisingly, I love it! So please enjoy my loves! :)**

I bite my lip in an attempt to suppress the ever-growing smile from making its way onto my face.

"Uh oh, I've seen that look before." Alli teases from beside me.

I gape at her. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

She laughs, "Says the girl with the pretty eyes."

I blush under her humorous gaze. "You heard that?" I ask tentatively.

She nods her head eagerly. "I bet you're just playing all these scenes in your head where you play kissy-kissy with Eli."

"Alli!" I push her away jokingly. "Stop. We just met each other. Nothing happened."

"Yet," she mumbles in a low voice.

I glare at her. "I heard that."

We both lightly giggle as we walk into the cafeteria.

"Remind me never to get sick so I never have to eat hospital food," Alli tells me with a distasteful look on her face as she returns a plate of macaroni and cheese to the shelf.

"Just pick something," I tell her quickly. "I'm hungry."

She sighs loudly for dramatic effect before finally deciding on a bowl of fruit salad.

"Safe choice," she says.

I just shake my head jokingly at her before we pay for our food and find ourselves a table by a large window to sit at.

"How is Dave?" I ask her while stealing a grape from her salad and popping it in my mouth.

"Hey!" She laughs out. "I was going to eat that."

I smile at her. "You love me."

"Not when you're eating my food," she laughs as she pokes her fork into my plate of spaghetti and brings some into her mouth. She nods her head, "That's actually pretty good."

"Dave? Your fiancé?" I ask her in an attempt to reroute our conversation.

"Oh, right." She takes a deep breath before looking down at her salad. "He says he was in a lot of pain when it happened. That he's never felt so scared before," she sets down her fork as she looks out the window.

"I can't even imagine…" I trail off in a soft voice.

She looks back at me with unshed tears flooding her eyes. "I just keep thinking what if? What if he didn't get help quickly? What if h-he didn't make it? I've already lost him enough times. I can't lose him again."

I feel my own eyes begin to burn out of compassion for my friend. I reach over and squeeze her arm. "Hey, he's back isn't he? He promised he would be back and he is."

She gives me a small smile before wiping one stray tear that managed to escape her eyes. "I know, but that doesn't make the thoughts stop."

"Give it time," I state.

After a few moments of silence, her expression shifts from one of sadness to a mischievous look. She quickly grabs her fork and twists more of my spaghetti onto it.

We both laugh as she successfully steals it and I just can't help the smile from making its way onto my face as I am so grateful that Alli is strong enough to still remember to enjoy life regardless of the struggle.

I wish I could be as strong as that.

"So…" she trails off. "How was Eli?"

I groan. "Really, Alli?"

"Oh come on, Clare. Don't lie and say you didn't find him attractive. You were practically drooling."

"I was not!" I tell her in my own defense.

"Why don't you ask him to help you with your article?"

My ears perk up at that. "Ask a wounded soldier to help me with an article on PTSD? Not a good idea," I shake me head.

"Why not? You'll be living on base for a month. It'll give you guys plenty of time to get to know each other."

I've been granted access to the base to write my article and they've even offered me a discount at a place to stay at some apartments nearby. I move in next week.

"I don't want to just pry into his life like that. Plus, that's making an assumption that he actually has PTSD which he may not."

Alli goes quiet and her silence is unnerving.

"What is it?" I ask her.

"Dave told me he hasn't let his backpack out of his sight since the attack," she tells me slowly in a low whisper.

"Excuse me?" I respond.

"I guess Eli freaks out if he can't find his pack."

My mouth drops open and I find myself at a loss for words. After a few moments, I speak up. "That's so scary," I tell her softly.

She nods her head. "Dave's worried about him."

I stare out the window as I feel parts of me feel terrible for the young man in the hospital gown upstairs. A man I've barely spoken to and yet has left such a lasting effect that my cheeks are still rosy from our conversation.

"So you should ask for his help," Alli repeats.

I quickly shake my head. "No, I'll find others to talk to. He just got home. Let him have some sort of peace."

"And why can't he had that peace with some pretty eyes by his side?" She jokes.

I glare at her. "Alli, this is serious."

"And so am I," she retorts. "I haven't seen you respond to a guy like this since, well, KC in our freshman year and that wasn't even as obvious as you are right now."

I let the sides of my mouth perk up slightly. "Was it that obvious?"

She smiles back, "Only to me. Don't worry."

I just slowly shake my head as the impossibility of being with Eli is overcome by the enticement of his character.

"Oh, and Clare?"

"Hmm?" I hum out.

"He was _definitely_ into you too."

I open my mouth to disagree with her since I've never been the type to attract guys as attractive as I find Eli to be, but the ringing of her cell phone interrupts me.

She quickly grabs it and I zone out her conversation as I twist some spaghetti around my fork.

"_You have pretty eyes."_

I can already feel those words engraving themselves into my memory. I hate to admit it, but Eli left a mark on me.

How he did it, I have no clue. But I can feel myself drawn to him already.

And that scares me.

"Clare, would you completely hate me if I asked us to cut this short?" Alli's voice sounds through my thoughts.

I glance up at her. "No, it's fine. I kind of lost my appetite anyways."

She gives me a grin before saying some more into the phone and hanging up. "Dave just got cleared to get some fresh air and I'm feeling like a walk."

"In those shoes?" I ask her with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah. What else would I wear?"

I laugh at her before grabbing my excess food and dumping it out.

We make our way back up the elevator and into Dave and Eli's room.

I can feel my heartbeat beginning to slightly race at the thought of seeing Eli again.

My pulse echoes through ever inch of my being when I turn into the room.

And just as quickly as my hopes rise, they get shut down as Eli is nowhere to be seen and Dave is sitting on his bed trying, unsuccessfully, to tie his shoes.

"Let me help," Alli immediately tells him as he winces in pain from bending over to tie them.

"This is so frustrating," he states angrily. "It took me a hell of a long time to get my clothes on too."

Alli finishes with his shoes before standing back up and lightly touching his cheek with her hand. "Hey, you'll be healthy in no time."

"Doesn't feel like it."

"Don't get frustrated. You'll recover."

The looks in both their eyes as they gaze at each other make me turn away as it seems like I'm intruding on a private moment.

"Where's Eli?" I hear Alli ask after a few moments as my body generates a response at the mention of his name.

"He has an appointment with the mental health specialist."

I immediately turn my gaze back to Dave. "Why?" I ask in a worried tone.

"It's just protocol. They have to clear us both physically and mentally before we can get shipped out again."

"What?" Alli asks in a whisper. "So soon? But I just got you back."

Dave grabs her hands. "I'm nowhere near full recovery yet, Alli. Don't worry." He slowly gets off the bed and the look on his face relays the amount of pain he is facing at the movement.

"I'm really sorry to steal Alli away like this –"

I shake my head quickly. "No," I cut him off. "It's okay. You two go have fun."

Dave gives me a quick hug in thanks before grasping Alli's hand and very slowly walking out the room with her.

I smile at their retreating figures.

Left with nothing but silence as my company, I allow my gaze to fall to Eli's bed where his backpack is nowhere to be seen.

I close my eyes as I feel parts of me hurt at the thought of how difficult it must be for him.

I believe in God. I believe in fate.

And I feel like both of those worked together to bring me to Eli today.

I've never felt such an attachment to anyone so quickly, especially not since my parents divorced. I've always kept my distance and took my time to learn about people I've just met. But with Eli, I find myself already looking forward to the next time I can see him. Just so I can see that irresistible smirk one last time.

_Wait, what?_

I shake my head to my thoughts and make my way out of the room.

_Really, Clare? When will you ever learn?_

Every guy I've been with, and let's just say I'd only need one hand to count them all, has somehow managed to hurt me. Coupled with my dad leaving us and you can say that I have abandonment issues.

So how exactly is a wounded soldier with a potential disorder supposed to heal me?

And how exactly is an aspiring journalist with trust issues supposed to heal him?

I sit down at an empty chair in a makeshift waiting area down the hall.

_This is ridiculous. I just met the guy and my thoughts are already fantasizing._

Deciding to distract myself, I pull out my phone and research more about my article.

The more I learn, the more my heart breaks for those who suffer from this disorder.

About half an hour later, my eyes glisten with tears as I read about a man who woke up one night holding his wife in a chokehold from a nightmare.

I quickly put my phone away and take a few deep breaths to calm my rising emotions.

I decide to return to the room thinking that Alli and Dave must be back by now.

As I near the room, I hear someone let out a sound in pain.

I hesitantly turn into the room and softly gasp as I see Eli attempting to put a black shirt on top of his dark washed jeans.

Meaning he is shirtless.

And my cheeks give my thoughts away in an instant.

His back is to me and I watch as he struggles to get his shirt on with one arm immobilized.

"Need some help?" I sound out in a cheerful tone as I walk into the room.

He quickly jerks around towards me before turning around again. "No. I've got it."

He fails in his next attempt and I walk closer to him. "Let me help," I tell him with a smile even though he can't see me.

His reaction surprises me and freezes me to the spot. "I said I've got it," he responds sternly.

"I'm sorry," I whisper in a soft voice. _What happened to the charming guy I met earlier?_ "I was just trying to help."

Luckily, his next attempt is successful and Eli manages to get it on.

"Dave went for a walk with Alli in case you were wondering."

He finally turns around towards me. "Okay," he responds simply as he grabs for his pack and pulls out his dog tag necklace.

Feeling incredibly awkward at the silence that has befallen us, I decide to ask the only thing I can think of. "How was your appointment earlier?"

Bad idea.

His face jerks up and his eyes turn a dark, stern tone.

And the depth of his expression makes the hair on the back of my neck stick up. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I-I just, um…" I trail off.

When he doesn't respond, I decide to get out of the room as quickly as I can. "I'm going to go. Tell Alli that I went over to my new apartment to move some more stuff in. Maybe I'll see you soon. I'm actually writing an article."

"About?" He asks.

My eyes widen as I did not suspect him to respond. "J-just an appreciation article for our soldiers."

_One little white lie never hurt anyone right?_

He nods his head.

"Maybe I can ask you a few questions for it, if you don't mind?"

"What kind of questions?" He asks.

"I-I haven't really thought of them y-yet," I stutter out of nervousness as I try and continue my charade. "Maybe I can find you when I do?" I ask him hesitantly.

He just simply nods his head in response and not desiring to spend anymore time in his company, I turn around and walk back down the hallway in complete confusion as to what changed.

**One little while lie does hurt, Clare. Oh dear, she is weaving a very tangled web isn't she? Please leave me your thoughts as to how you liked this chapter. I absolutely love hearing from you all and your reviews make me feel like I'm on cloud nine! :) Thanks for reading and see you all next time! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello my dears! :) I would love to take this moment to express all my gratitude to those who have favorited and followed this story and a special thanks to those of you who took the time to write me a review with your thoughts on how the story is going so far! It honestly helps get me motivated and inspired when I have such lovely people supporting this story. It's not easy finding the time to write amidst an endless flow of schoolwork and actual work. So hearing from you guys is just awesome! You are all too wonderful for words! :) So I totally love this chapter! And I truly hope you all do too! Love you all and see you at the end! Enjoy! :)**

I am an ass.

A total, complete ass and I know it.

I watch as Clare's petite frame quickly walks out of the room without a single look back at me.

Not that I deserved it.

I let out a long sigh before shaking my head and putting my backpack down at its now usual place at the end of my bed. I take a seat on the side of my hospital bed and stare out the window at the view of the base it offers.

"_I'm worried you may be digging a very deep hole for yourself, Mr. Goldsworthy. I think you've been digging it for quite some time now."_

I grasp tightly onto the edge of the mattress.

"_Your dependency on your pack alarms me. I've seen this before. Others with PTSD have struggled with the same thing."_

I can feel my knuckles turn white.

"_Coupled with your already deeply rooted depression over your ex-girlfriend, I do believe you should be kept here on base longer and attend some therapy sessions."_

I shut my eyes tight as I attempt to escape the memories of the psychiatrist's voice echoing in my mind.

One hour.

It took her one hour.

Sixty minutes.

Three thousand six hundred seconds.

That's all it took for her to look at me like I was delusional.

Like I was abnormal.

Like I was _mental_.

I slam a fisted hand onto the mattress and feel it quickly dip next to me.

Maybe I was wrong in taking out my frustration and, if I was being honest, fear on a girl I barely even know. But it's only for the best. Might as well scare her away now before she gets a chance to know exactly how messed up I really am.

And I know I am. Messed up, that is. I don't want to feel this way. But _nothing_ has worked.

I've tried therapy sessions before as a teen. Cece and Bullfrog forced me to after Julia's death.

They didn't work.

I've tried picking up a hobby as a distraction.

Fool's errand.

I've even tried dating. I scoff at the thought.

That idea was shot down before even one date.

Because everyone knew.

I was no longer Elijah Goldsworthy.

I was the ass who killed his girlfriend by making her run away after a fight only to have a meeting with a fate he created for her. A fate that came in the form of a car.

So I tried war.

And that worked. Only seemed fitting to force myself to be in danger at all times. To punish myself.

But also, and I would never admit this to anyone, after Julia's death, I realized that I wanted my life to mean something. _Anything_. I was so numb after what happened that I needed the revival. Battling for my country seemed like it would make my life count.

It did.

And yet here I am, years later and I'm still mentally reeling with all that I've been through.

A dead ex-girlfriend.

A dying friend right in front of me.

A bullet, make that _two_ bullets, piercing through my arm.

And the first person in a long time that has awakened anything within me just walked out the room because of me.

I shake my head to myself.

_You're a hopeless case, Eli Goldsworthy. Save the girl the trouble and let her go now._

Not something I want to do but hell, since when have I gotten what I wanted?

But she did say something about an article. And that she wants to interview me for it. As much as I don't believe I've done anything worth being appreciative for, I guess I owe her at least that before she leaves my life as quickly as she came.

I am forced out of my thoughts as a stream of giggles sounds behind me and I turn to see Dave's lips planting a multitude of kisses to Alli's cheek as his arm is wrapped around her shoulders.

Her eyes widen as she takes notice of me. "Oh Eli. I'm sorry we just barged in."

"Don't be. It's his room as much as it is mine."

She gives me a warm smile in response before quizzically gazing around the room. "Have you seen Clare?"

The sound of her name shoots straight through me. "She said something about moving her stuff into her apartment?" I sound it out as a question.

"That's strange. She can't move in until next week…" Alli trails off.

I just shrug my shoulders knowing full well that Clare conjured up an excuse to get out of here as soon as she could considering my cold demeanor.

"I better go find her. Something must be wrong," Alli says as she turns towards Dave.

He quickly nods his head. "Go. I'll see you tomorrow morning?"

"Wouldn't miss it."

She gives him a quick kiss before quickly walking out of the room in search of her blue-eyed friend.

Dave grunts as he moves to sit next to me.

"What happened with Clare?"

I shrug one shoulder. "I don't know."

"Man, I've fought beside you for two years. I can tell by now if something is up with you."

"There's nothing going on, Dave."

"Like hell there's not. Was it Clare? Did she say –"

"It wasn't Clare," I cut him off.

He waits in silence for me to provide an explanation. _Oh what the hell…_

"I have to stay on base for therapy sessions," I tell him in a low whisper.

After a long while, Dave lets out a breath. "You're not the only one this happens to. You'll get through it."

I rub my hands together as I rest my elbows on my knees and lean forward.

I want to respond. To say something in my own defense.

But I don't. I simply look out the window as Dave rests his hand on my shoulder.

"Don't do this to yourself, bro."

"Do what?" I ask him.

"Shut down. Man, I've seen you run right into a burning home without a second thought and rescue a girl trapped inside after some assholes decided to bomb the place. If you can do that, then this is nothing."

"I hope you're right," I tell him as I find myself not able to believe his words.

He squeezes my shoulder. "I know I am. But don't listen to Alli. She'll tell you I'm never right."

Against my own will, I let out a chuckle.

"But seriously, no soldier left behind. Like I always say, I'll watch your back bro."

I sit up and reach my arm out towards him. "Like it's my own," I sound out as we complete our handshake.

I help him stand up with my good arm. "Where are you going?" I ask.

"To go put on a hideous hospital gown."

I laugh at his comment. "Hey Dave?"

"What's up?" He asks as he slowly walks towards his bed.

"Thanks," I tell him.

I'm met with the soft contact of a pillow and Dave's chuckle responds for him.

The next day I wake up to the sight of my parents standing at the foot of my bed while conversing with Dave.

"Cece? Bullfrog? What are you guys doing here?" I ask out in a raspy voice coated with sleep.

"Baby boy!" Cece exclaims as she rushes to the side of my bed and sits in the same chair Clare occupied yesterday. "How are you feeling?"

"Like shit," I tell her honestly.

"Hey you little brat," my Dad states as he walks behind the chair. "Didn't think we'd be back so soon did you?"

I let out a laugh. "You two hovering parents? Be back a day after visiting me? I never would have guessed," I respond sarcastically.

My mom reaches over and grabs one of my hands in hers. "We've just been so worried about you. It was my fault. I forced your dad to bring us."

The concerned look in her eyes makes me regret my sarcasm. I smirk at her. "I'm glad you guys came."

She returns my smile before glancing around the room. "Anybody else come to visit you yet?"

I shake my head. "Adam's coming today and Fiona and Imogen are planning to come later on in the week."

"But he did have a surprise guest yesterday," Dave says.

Bullfrog glances at Dave before focusing his attention back to me. "And who might that be?"

"Nobody," I answer quickly.

"Oh you know, just a girl with pretty eyes."

I grab a pillow from behind my head and chuck it at Dave.

"A girl?" Cece asks excitedly. "How long have you two been seeing each other?"

"We're not seeing each other."

"We've been trying to get a girl into Eli's life for a while now," Bullfrog unnecessarily informs Dave.

"You and me both," Dave laughs in response.

"There is no girl," I cut in.

Dave lets out a loud scoff.

I groan. "Fine. Her name is Clare. We just met yesterday."

"And?" My mom asks.

"And nothing. I already messed it up," I roll my eyes at myself.

"Man, I knew something went down yesterday," Dave states.

"What happened sweetheart?"

_Why the hell are we talking about this?_

And before I get a chance to respond, the now familiar sounds of heels clicking with tile enter our surroundings. Followed soon by the sight of Alli.

My hearts pumps quickly against my chest.

And Clare.

"Good morning everyone!" Alli cheerily exclaims before walking towards Dave and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Good morning beautiful," Dave responds.

"Really?" I ask him.

The glare Alli shoots at me shuts me up immediately. That girl carries a hell of a lot of intimidation in that tiny frame.

"I'm Alli. Dave's fiancé. And this is my friend Clare." She raises a hand to usher Clare further in the room.

Cece and Bullfrog exchange glances. "This is Clare," Bullfrog responds way too excitedly.

He reaches a hand forward forcing Clare to walk further into the room and take it. She exchanges a handshake with Cece as well, all the while avoiding eye contact with me.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Clare. We're Eli's parents."

"It's nice to meet you all. And I've already thanked your son, but thank you for letting him sacrifice as much as he has."

"That's very sweet, Clare." Cece responds warmly.

She gives her a shy smile in return before making her way back over to Dave's side of the room.

A light silence fills the room.

"Are you feeling some breakfast?" Bullfrog asks Cece unexpectedly.

Her eyes widen and a mischievous grin makes its way onto her face. "Actually, yes."

Cece gives a quick kiss to my forehead and they both mutter their goodbyes and walk out the room.

_Is it possible to be more obvious than those two?_

The sound of the curtain separating my bed and Dave's sounds as Alli quickly closes her and Dave off from the surroundings.

_I guess it is._

I sit up with the help of my good arm and rest my back against the inclined mattress.

Clare continues to glance at the ground while twisting something around her left ring finger.

_Well, shit. _

"Who's the lucky guy?" I break the silence.

She glances up at me with eyes wide with shock.

"E-excuse me?"

I nod my head at her ring.

Her eyesight follows mine. "Oh, i-it's not an engagement ring."

My eyebrows raise in question.

She hesitantly walks towards the chair at the side of my bed. Her eyes never leave mine as if asking for permission to continue.

"That chair is all yours," I tell her.

I can see her tense posture slightly relax as she scoots the chair forward and sits down.

She rests her hands together on her lap.

After a few moments of silence, I chuckle.

"What?" she asks me curiously.

"So what is it then?" I glance down at her ring.

A bright blush quickly warms her pale cheeks.

_Damn, that's cute._

"I-it's a purity ring."

_What the fuck?_

This time _my_ eyes widen in shock.

"Really?"

She quickly nods her head, still refusing to meet my gaze.

"Wow, okay," I respond lamely.

How someone as gorgeous as Clare is still a virgin is beyond me.

Clearly uncomfortable, she decides to reroute the conversation. "I see you're in a better mood than yesterday." She states in a low voice.

"Yeah, I am."

She finally looks up at me as if asking for more information, but I stubbornly refuse to give it to her.

_You wouldn't want to know._

"Where are you staying?" I ask her curiously.

"At the hotel down the street. I'm staying there until I get to move in."

"I thought you were moving in yesterday," I challenge her.

Her jaw drops as she is caught in her lie. "W-well, I…"

_Not going to lie, this is pretty entertaining. _

"That must mean you lied, Ms…?" I trail off in question.

"Edwards," she softly sounds out.

_Clare Edwards._

"Ms. Edwards." I finish.

"I, um, I can explain."

"Oh, please do," I chuckle inwardly. She looks so petrified that I slightly feel bad for putting her through this.

Deciding to stop teasing her, I speak up after she remains silent for a few more moments. "Well that explanation is satisfactory enough for me."

She shakes her head with a confused, yet humorous expression on her face.

"I hate you," she fires at me jokingly.

"Well that's too bad. I was beginning to fall in love with you," I counter.

Slightly taken aback, she takes a few moments to formulate a response. "Don't even try," she teases.

"What? Am I not your type? Let me guess. You like the kinds of guys with their whole life planned out and their nose in their book. Got it. I'll move on."

_The complete opposite of a stubborn mental patient struggling with PTSD and the death of a former girlfriend. _

"I do not!"

"Oh? And what kind of man wins you over?"

She swallows hesitantly as her blushing cheeks become a permanent sight. "Just an honest one," she responds in a whisper with hurt and grief lacing her words.

All of a sudden the, I'll admit, _flirtatious_ banter between us is over and a dark seriousness comes over us.

"I'm sorry," she says as she looks down at her hands.

"Don't be."

She glances at her purse and pulls out a small notepad. "I was wondering if I could ask you those questions I was talking about?"

Her request stops me for a moment.

Agreeing to be a part of her article means more than that.

I'm agreeing to the chance to become her acquaintance.

Then her friend.

Then her…

That annoying voice in the back of my head stops my fantasizing thoughts.

_Don't do it, Eli. _

But those damn lips of hers are practically beckoning mine.

_Don't take her down this road._

But I'm already drawn to her warmth that seems to embrace her surroundings.

_She is pure. You're not. _

But she's the first thing to make me _feel_ in a long time.

_You barely know her, but you know she deserves better._

Can't argue with that.

_So let her go._

I lift my gaze to her awaiting and excited expression.

I told you those bright blue eyes and that damn smile of hers would be more dangerous than anything.

"Fire away, Edwards."

**Not going to lie to you all, I kind of fangirled at their interaction in this chapter. It kind of reminded me of Boiling Point Eclare which I'm sure we all LOVE. :) Anywho, please be so kind as to leave me your thoughts and how you felt about this chapter. Did a specific line totally crack you up? Did you like Eli's internal struggle? Are you excited for Adam to enter the story? Let me know! I love that kind of stuff. Stay amazing my loves and I will see you all soon! Goodbye! :) **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello my dears! I know, I know. I've said this plenty of times already. But please allow me a moment to express my appreciation again for you who take the time to leave me a review. I genuinely appreciate it more than you know! So a huge thank you to all of you! You are all wonderful! Anyways, please enjoy this next chapter of Love is Revival! :) **

I never imagined feeling like this for someone I barely even know.

It's like a crush. I blush. I get giddy. My heart races.

But then it's so much more than that at the same time. I'm drawn to him. It's like an intangible rope is between us. He holds one end while I hold the other. The further apart we are, the more strain and tension I feel. The closer we are, the more relaxed and comfortable I feel.

This isn't how it is supposed to happen.

I'm supposed to know someone for months, maybe even _years_, before having this connection with them. I'm supposed to be able to know everything about them before feeling anything for them. I'm supposed to trust them to get such an intense reaction to them. And most of all, I'm supposed to feel stable and secure.

But with Eli, I get the exact opposite. I've only interacted with him for a number of minutes. I know absolutely nothing about him except that he probably saved Dave's life and is struggling with something I can't comprehend. I don't trust him…_yet_. And his mood swings give me the complete opposite feeling of a constant security.

He is the opposite of what I need.

I need someone…_safe_. Someone comfortable. I don't need someone mysterious who can't deal with all my issues on top of his own.

And yet, he is stirring up all these butterflies within me that I've never experienced before. I can't explain it and my literal mind is getting quite frustrated at the fact.

I smile at him before diving into the first question in my interview. It is pretty generic and safe. "Why did you decide to enlist?"

His relaxed expression immediately tenses. His captivating green eyes darken. He scowls.

_Okay, perhaps it wasn't as safe and generic as I thought._

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you…" I trail off.

He shakes his head. "You didn't. Can we start with another question?"

"Sure," I respond with a warm smile before glancing back down at my notepad and the questions I thought of last night. I scan over them trying to find one that seemed less personal than the first since Eli is obviously too guarded to share something personal.

I decide to ask him something that would pertain to all the soldiers, not just him. "How did the soldiers interact with the civilians?"

"Whenever we were sent somewhere, an interpreter tagged along to break through the language barrier. The adults were pretty weary of us," he responds as he glances at his lap. "But the kids," he continues with a small smile. "They were a lot of fun. We would play soccer with them sometimes. Its crazy how one soccer ball could make them so happy.

"That was the infuriating part sometimes. Knowing how kids the same age back home aren't content unless they have a fucking video game or whatever." He pauses after he seems me wince slightly at his cursing. "I'm sorry. My emotions get the best of me sometimes."

I quickly shake my head. "No, no. I admire that. I'm a little reserved with my own emotions," I laugh under my breath as I jot down some notes. "You're not inclined to answer this, but I'd really like to know. What was the hardest thing about being in battle?" I glance up at him from behind my eyelashes somewhat fearing his reaction to my question.

He takes a deep breath and I watch his Adam's apple as he swallows. I have no clue how, but he managed to make even that movement attractive. "You're right. I'm not inclined to answer that."

My heart sinks and my shoulders slump at his response. I realize that the wounded soldier in front of me is just that. Someone with internal and external scars who has seen more traumatic images in a year than I'll ever have to in my whole life.

"But since you really want to know," he continues on and my head perks up at him. "I think it was the uncertainty of it all. You didn't know if the next moment would be your last. You didn't know if you'd get a chance to reset the images of the people you left back at home."

"What do you mean?" I ask him in a soft whisper.

"The images were the quickest to go," he tells me as he looks up to meet my gaze. "For some reason, I could remember what my mom smelt like, but it got to a point where my mind was so fuc-messed up," he corrects, "that I couldn't remember the details of her face. That uncertainty. It was scary."

Hesitantly, I reach forward and set one of my pale hands atop his fidgeting ones in his lap.

I softly gasp at the contact.

I've read about moments like these. I've heard about moments like these. But I've never experienced it. The jolt of flutterings his hand sends throughout my body pierce me so strongly that I almost pull away.

Seems that Eli must have felt it too because he actually pulls away before looking away from me.

An awkward silence falls between us. I think of something to say to him, but realize my mind took this opportune moment to cease functioning.

"E-Eli, I –"

"Let me see it!" I turn my head towards the doorway when I hear an excited voice accompanied by a skinny guy makes its way into the room.

He has pale skin like me and large eyes on his face. His lanky frame gives him the slightest feminine touch. He seems to cover it with multiple layers of clothing.

"What's up dude?" He asks as he looks straight at Eli.

"Adam," Eli nods his head still seeming to be reeling from our contact much like I am.

"What? I haven't seen you in months and that's all I get?" Adam chuckles. "Now come on, let me see the injury."

Eli shakes his head in humor as he laughs out. "I see you haven't changed a bit," Eli responds as he pulls up his gown sleeve on his right arm to show Adam. "It's covered so you won't be able to see much. Sorry to disappoint."

Adam walks over to the opposite side of the bed I am on as he analyzes what little he can see of the wound. "Damn…" he trails off.

This being my first time really taking a look at Eli's injury considering the only opportunity I had to see it, I was shamefully focused on his body, I actually take it in. The bruising around the wound looks painful. And the grimace on Eli's face as Adam lightly touches the wound directly tells him it feels as painful as it looks.

"Show and tell is now over," Eli grumbles as he tucks his sleeve back down.

"Correction. Show is over, but there is still tell left. What the hell happened to you?"

Deciding it would be best to let these two catch up and suddenly feeling the need for air that seems nonexistent around Eli's presence, I scoot my chair backwards. "I'll let you two catch up," I say softly as I grab my bag and stand up.

Both of them turn to me as if they forgot about my presence entirely.

"Adam," Eli introduces. "This is Clare. Alli's friend. And Clare, this is Adam. My best bud." His smirk as he says it forces a smile on my face.

"It's nice to meet you," I tell him.

He grins at me in response. "Ditto. And Alli is Dave's fiancé right?"

"I love that label," Alli's high pitched voice responds from behind the curtain causing Adam to jump in place.

"What the hell was that?" He asks with eyes wide with fright.

Both Eli and I fall into a fit of chuckles at the sight.

"That was Alli," I tell him. "Behind you."

He looks at me curiously before hesitantly turning around just as Alli draws the curtain back to its initial position.

I shake my head in humor at the sight of her messy hair that can only be the result of two things. A windstorm or making out with Dave. I'd place my bets on the latter. I immediately reach up to my own head and make a flattening motion trying to relay the message to Alli. She glances at me confused before her mouth forms a circular shape and she mutters something about using the bathroom before rushing off.

I laugh under my breath before Dave clears his throat. "Hey man, I'm Dave." He reaches out his good arm towards Adam.

As the two of them shake hands, I glance at Eli from my peripheral vision only to catch him looking back at me. I feel my cheeks flame up immediately.

"I'm, um, going to go see if Alli needs help," I tell them before closing my eyes at the stupidity of my own statement. "I-I mean…" I trail off as they start laughing.

"Go ahead," Eli responds. "Maybe we can continue our conversation later?"

Since Adam and Dave are engrossed in their own conversation, most likely about my embarrassing comment, I take a risk and lean down towards Eli. "I don't think that's a good idea," I tell him in a whisper.

I'm not sure what it was, but a fleeting emotion overtakes his eyes before they return back to their normal state. I want to say disappointment, but I feel that's my own mind playing tricks on me.

He nods his head. "If that's what you want," he responds in a monotone.

"I think it's what you want," I respond.

He takes a deep breath as his eyes bear into mine. The depths of the green pools overwhelms me. I feel like there is so much he can read just by looking at me, but there is so little I have access to. "Come back tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

He nods his head, but doesn't offer me a verbal response.

And for the life of me I cannot explain why I did what I did next.

Call it hormones.

Call it impulsiveness.

Call it whatever you want.

But my hand decides to reach over and lightly graze the part of his gown covering his injured arm as if trying to take some of the hurt away.

"Okay," I whisper when he tenses at the contact. "I'll be back tomorrow."

I slowly back away from Eli as I quickly say goodbye to the other two before going off in search of Alli.

I find her combing her hands through her hair in the women's washroom down the hall.

"He's just so…ugh, you know?" I tell her exasperatedly.

"I get it Clare, you're in love with Eli," she responds nonchalantly as her attention remains on her reflection in the mirror.

I gasp at her. "I am not! He's so confusing. One second we'll be fine and the next second, he's gone. It doesn't make sense."

"What doesn't make sense?" she asks me.

I close my eyes as I confess something to one of the people I trust most in the world. "My, well, _attraction_ to him."

This gets Alli to turn her attention to me. "Your what?" she asks excitedly in a high-pitched voice.

"Alli, please don't make me say it again," I mumble.

"Oh my God! You totally are in love with Eli! I knew it," she responds in a proud tone.

"Alli, I am not in love with him."

"But you like him," she bluntly states.

"I…am intrigued by him."

"You're interested in him."

"I think that's what I said, Alli." I chuckle.

"And he clearly likes you too. So what's the problem?"

"Okay, first of all, he does not like me. Let me finish," I tell her as she glares at me. "Second of all, there is no way I will ever let myself be with someone like him."

"Someone like him?" she asks confused as she furrows her brows together.

"He's so mysterious and Alli, you know I need someone I can trust."

She shakes her head at me. "Clare, stop settling for the safe option. What you need is someone to give you a whole new perspective on life. Make you live a little."

I raise an eyebrow at her. "Are you calling me boring?" I joke with her.

"Never! You're my best friend and you know that. I think your amazing. Let Eli have a chance to see that too. Plus, if you're doubting him, Dave told me that he trusts Eli more than anyone else that he fought with. But Dave also mentioned Eli has a bit of a past…he didn't tell me about it and I wasn't going to push. Unless you want me to?"

"No!" I cut her off. "That is completely his business." I groan to myself as I lean against the sink counter. "It still doesn't make sense," I bite my lip. "I don't even know him and I already feel so strongly about him."

"Hey, at least you're willing to admit it," Alli smiles at me. "Don't worry Clare. He'll love you!"

I roll my eyes as she goes back to fixing her hair.

I sign into the visitor check-in the next day and get my tag before walking towards the elevators and going towards Eli's room.

I expected to hear Dave's deep voice as I approached the room in my black jeans and burgundy floral top. Or maybe Adam's joking tone. Maybe even Eli's parents.

What I did not expect to hear were…_giggles._ I freeze just outside the door as I attempt to focus my hearing on the voices coming from inside.

"Eli Goldsworthy, you are like a meerkat!"

I furrow my brows together at the high-pitched voice.

Eli's chuckling follows. "Um, thanks Imogen."

_Imogen_. _Strange name._ But considering what she just said, it fits better than anything else.

"They're an example of an altruistic animal," another feminine voice explains. "Immy has been pretty obsessed with animals recently and loves to share. It's weird."

"Oh you know you like it," Imogen responds.

"Of course I do," the other voice says.

A silence befalls the conversation and I take the initiative to walk in as I brace every part of me for coming face to face with Eli's girlfriend. She has to be his girlfriend. After all, her hand is draped across his forearm and she giggles some more.

_Yup, definitely his girlfriend. _I feel parts of me begin to pain at the fact. And that strong of a response to this scares me. _He already has so much of me and he doesn't even know it._

I clear my throat as all three heads turn towards me. "Um, hi." I offer lamely.

Both of the girls are absolutely gorgeous. Imogen may have an eccentric style, but there is no mistaking her beauty. Any guy would have to be blind not to see it. And the other friend of Eli's in the room is just as stunning. Except she has such a womanly figure that coupled with Imogen's beauty makes me feel sub-par and slightly ashamed of my own appearance.

"Clare," Eli states. "Guys, this is Clare. She's a friend of Dave's fiancé."

I feel even more parts of me begin to shatter at the fact that he has yet to introduce me as anything but Alli's friend. I don't know what I was expecting.

Imogen immediately squeals before jumping up and running towards me. She envelopes me in a hug and I stand there a tad awkwardly as I pat her back in response, slightly taken aback by her forwardness.

"You'll have to ignore Imogen. She tends to be a bit out there," the other girl explains.

Imogen pulls away and glares humorously at the girl. "Fions! You take that back!"

"I will do no such thing," the Fions girl responds.

Imogen shakes her head with an almost loving gaze before returning her attention to me.

"Imogen Moreno, at your service."

I smile at her. "Clare Edwards. Nice to meet you."

"And this is the lovely Fiona Coyne," Imogen tells me as she gestures to the other girl. "And that is Eli Goldsworthy. He's like a meerkat. But you already know that."

I can't help but smile at her strangeness that somehow finds a way to be welcoming at the same time. "That Eli was a meerkat? I never would have guessed," I joke.

She giggles. "I like you already, Clare Edwards."

I give her a smile in response.

"Immy, I think you and I have overstayed our welcome," Fiona says as she starts to get up.

"But I was just starting to make a new friend!" Imogen whines.

"We'll have more time to talk to Clare later. I think she's here to see Eli."

"Boo!" Imogen responds before engulfing me in another hug. "I'll see you soon, Clare! Meeting you was better than snowflakes in summertime!"

I smile at her with slight humor in my expression at her antics. _She cannot be Eli's type. This doesn't make sense._

And when Fiona grabs her hand and Imogen plants a chaste kiss on her cheek, it all makes sense to me and I feel my jaw drop a tad.

_Well, that explains that. _

"Goodbye, Clare. It was nice meeting you," Fiona calls back to me.

"Thanks, you too!" I say loudly so she can hear me as she turns out of the room.

I turn my attention back to Eli. I finally register that Dave is nowhere to be found. I point towards the empty bed. "Dave?"

Eli glances towards where I'm pointing. "He got released this morning. I get to leave soon too."

My eyes widen in realization. No wonder Alli actually got up early this morning. She was out the door before I was able to see her.

"That's good news," I tell him as I walk over to my normal chair.

"I can't wait to get out of here," he responds. "It gets depressing after a while."

I frown at his statement. "I'm sorry to hear that."

He stares back at me for a few moments. "So, what else?"

"Hmmm?" I hum.

"What other questions do you have for me?"

I glance down at my bag where my notepad lies. I bite my lip as I think of a different way to get to know more about the intriguing boy in front of me. Since I actually have to get him to open up to me about his PTSD and his struggles for my article, it only makes sense that he sees me as someone he can trust. He won't divulge that kind of information unless he feels comfortable around me.

"You're thinking very hard," he observes with a chuckle.

My eyes widen as I glance up at him. "I just…I was thinking, how about we talk?"

"Talk?" he repeats.

I nod my head.

"Isn't that what we're doing right now?" he asks with a smirk on his face.

I groan as I realize my brain truly does become a foggy mist whenever I'm around Eli. "My brain seems to not be working this morning," I respond in an embarrassed tone.

"Or could it be? Edwards, do I make you nervous?"

I feel my cheeks give me away.

"I do!" He chuckles. "Interesting."

"Don't flatter yourself." I fire back. "And what I meant was, we should talk without it being an interview." He looks at me with a confused expression. "Let's just have a conversation."

"Oh," he responds as he understands what I was failing to relay to him. "So Clare, why exactly do I make you nervous? Don't be ashamed. I have that affect on a lot of people."

I roll my eyes. "Could you be more smug?"

"Absolutely!" He responds causing me to giggle in response.

_Clare Edwards, you just giggled._

"Why did you take your hand away yesterday?" I tell him in a rush. I close my eyes and mentally slap myself for my straightforwardness. _Just because you're thinking something, doesn't mean you say it out loud, Clare._ "I-I'm sorry. T-that was r-rude of me." I stutter out a response. "Don't answer that."

He looks at me with a blank expression and I feel like I lost him again.

This happens every time we talk.

One second he is here with me and the next second he is gone, escaping behind his walls. Out of my reach.

"I guess I'm just not used to human contact like that anymore," he tells me.

His openness surprises me and it seems to have shocked him as well as his eyes widen at his statement.

"Why not?" I ask him in a soft voice.

He takes a deep breath before glancing down, averting my gaze. "Clare, you don't want to know all this."

"Yes, I do."

"You think you do, but you don't. It's more sick and twisted than you think."

"I can handle it," I respond gently.

He shakes his head before letting out a laugh under his breath. "You're too innocent for your own good."

"Excuse me?" I tell him with on eyebrow raised, slightly angered by his statement.

Finally, he glances up at me. "You're like an open book, Clare. You've obviously got your faith," he says as he nods towards the cross necklace I always wear. "And I know that means you see the best in everything. You feel like there is a plan for all of us. That we're all worthy of redemption and shit. Not me." He shakes his head. "I'm not."

I bite my lip as I consider whether my next move is a smart decision.

Smart? _Probably not._

Am I still going to do it? _Yes._

I let my small hand float above his much larger one, giving him a second to realize what I plan to do. He focuses on our hands, but does not make a move to stop me.

When I finally gently rest my hand on his, I prepare for the rejection. But strangely, this time he allows me to softly grasp his hand. Granted, his remains limp and doesn't respond to my caress, but even this slight contact has me elated.

I have to physically contain my squeal at the fact that he has let me touch him.

I know this is difficult for him. It's written all over his face.

But if he feels even a fraction of the joy that surges through me at the contact, it has to be worth fighting his walls for.

The initial spark. His banter. His smirk. His eyes. His mood swings. My jealousy earlier. The excitement from our skin to skin contact. My pride in him being strong enough to allow our hands to touch even if it is tough for him. _Everything._

And for the first time since meeting Eli, I confess that I am more than interested in him.

_I like him_.

**I fangirled again. Eclare is just too lovely for words! I just really liked this chapter. And I truly hope you all did as well! And let me know your thoughts. Your reviews are, as Imogen put it so perfectly, better than snowflakes in summertime! :) See you lovely people very soon! Byebye!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello, Hello! You, my dears, are just amazing with your kind response to the story. I appreciate every feedback you guys give me so much! It truly makes putting off my never-ending homework to write that much more worth it. So thank you all for the sweet motivation that you take the time to write me. :) Anyways, so here is the next chapter and I hope you all like it as much as I did! Enjoy! :)**

The first thing I can think is of her warmth. Not just in her eyes and her smile, but in her touch that seems to fit perfectly in my large, calloused hands.

And as much as I want to turn my hand, just slightly, and grasp her as gently as she is caressing me, I know it wouldn't be right.

Just a few interactions. That is all it took for me to realize Clare Edwards is one of the best people on this godforsaken planet.

And it took even less time for me to realize that all the crap I carry with me doesn't deserve her. I shouldn't encourage her into thinking we can be friends, or more. It wouldn't be fair to her.

I'm brought out of my thoughts as my routine hospital nurse walks into the room muttering under her breath as she glances at a clipboard in her hands. My eyes travel to her figure as Clare continues to gaze at me.

"Mr. Goldsworthy, I hope you are feeling more like your normal self. Are you excited to leave?"

"Yes, ma'am." I respond with a small smirk.

She puts her clipboard down on my bed before reaching towards my wound. "Now, sweetie, you'll have to help him with cleaning this. I've seen him try on his own and believe me, it is not a pretty sight."

_What the hell is she talking about?_

"You're lucky you have such a devoted girlfriend, Elijah."

My jaw slightly drops as I realize she is directing her words towards a Clare Edwards who is still holding my hand in hers.

"Um, Nurse…" I trail off trying to read her nametag for the first time since she has been assigned to me. "Nurse Dawes, I think you have the wrong idea."

Her eyes widen as she glances down towards our hands. "Oh my goodness. My apologies. You're lucky you have such a devoted _fiancé_, Elijah," she chuckles.

I furrow my brows together before realization dawns on me. _That fucking purity ring._

"N-no, she is –"

"So, when you go to take off the current bandaging," Nurse Dawes continues as she ignores my attempts to clarify her on the subject. I try to tug my hand from Clare's, but she only grips me tighter. I attempt to pull away a few more times, but Clare is being frustratingly stubborn. Not wanting to cause a scene, I stop fighting her. "Be sure to remove it slowly. Even the slightest movements can be painful to the area surrounding the wound. It is still pretty sensitive." Nurse Dawes begins to unwind the gauze bandaging as she lectures Clare on the other specifications to my injury. Completely pointless seeing as how Clare will have absolutely nothing to do with me after today. I'm cutting her out before we both get in too deep.

As the nurse cleans the wound, I close my eyes and wince slightly at the pain. Though it is much less than before, it is still uncomfortable. I feel Clare rub her thumb across my palm slowly. I focus on that movement, avoiding my previous thoughts to ignore the girl sitting next to me.

Nurse Dawes continues to tell Clare more information, but my mind is already gone and all I can focus on is the sheer comfort that the smallest touch from Clare brings. It can't be humanly possible for someone to have this affect on me. If I was being honest, not even Julia gave me this feeling. I feel…_safe_.

And I haven't felt safe since Julia died.

Because I don't deserve to feel safe. I deserve to feel on edge, in pain. I deserve to feel trapped under the presence of my stupid backpack. I think they call it karma.

"Did you get all that?"

For the first time, Clare speaks up. "I think so. Thank you."

"Perfect. So I will go get your paperwork ready and be back in a few minutes so we can officially get you out of here," she states enthusiastically before walking back out the room.

I jerk my hand harshly from Clare's. "Why did you do that?" I ask her harshly.

"Do what?" she asks in a slightly pained voice.

"Play along."

"Eli, she wasn't going to stop talking so one of us had to pay attention."

I lift my gaze up to her, my expression stern. "There is no 'us', Clare."

She moves back slightly at my angry tone. And I immediately feel bad. _That was harsh, even for you_. Damn, that whole voice of consciousness is annoying.

"I-I know, I was just trying to help."

I take a deep breath and exhale before responding. "It'll just be better for you to leave."

"Why? Because it is easier? Eli, you can't solve your problems alone."

"I can try."

She shakes her head slowly. "If you really think that, then why don't you tell me why you need to carry your backpack with you everywhere you go?"

My eyes widen at her blunt statement. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. You are so set on being alone, so tell me what your plan to recover is. News flash, Eli. PTSD isn't a physical wound. It happens up here," she tells me in a stern tone as she taps the side of her head.

"Don't act like you understand this, Clare." I respond just as harshly, angry at her for calling me out on something that is absolutely none of her business.

"But I can. If only you'll let me," she says in a much softer tone. _She is making it so difficult to push her away._

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you want to understand? Damn it, Clare. I already said I'll answer the questions for your article. What else do you want?"

"I…" she trails off before gazing down at her lap. "I just want to help you."

I shake my head. "I don't need your help."

Before she can respond, Nurse Dawes returns with a form for me to sign which I do quickly and she starts unhooking me from the machines. "Now, my dear, if you'll just come with me real quick so I can give you all the medications he'll need…" she trails off as she gestures towards Clare to walk out the room with her.

"Maybe it would be best for Eli to get them himself," Clare responds in a vulnerable voice.

I sneak a glance at her and realize her eyes have the slightest hint of moisture in them. _Happy now? You made the girl cry._

I should feel satisfied. She is officially upset with me. She'll leave. She won't come back.

And yet the prospect of never seeing those captivating blue eyes, of never hearing words coming out of her lips that I've wanted to touch with my own ever since our first meeting, of never feeling her touch again, freezes me.

_Well, shit. I'm more selfish than I thought._

"Go ahead, Clare. I'll just change and grab my stuff. I'll see you outside."

She looks at me with the most confused expression. Can't say I blame her. I'm just as perplexed by my words as she is.

"Okay," she says softly before walking out the door with Dawes.

I wait for their voices to trail out of my hearing before spending a good twenty minutes trying to change into my regular clothing. I settle for my signature black jeans and black shirt before hauling my backpack over my good shoulder and walking out the hospital room without a single glance back.

I find Clare waiting for me at a set of chairs at the front of the entrance to the hospital.

She stands up when she sees me coming. "Here," she states distantly as she hands me a bag. "This is all your medication and the keys to your new home are all in there. They said your parents already moved all your belongings for you." I sneak a glance into the bag as my eyes land on the keys to my residence on the base. Since I have to see the psychiatrist, I'm not allowed to live off base. So I get to stay in this hell hole of a reminder of my PTSD longer. _Great_.

"Thanks," I respond and offer her a smile.

For the first time, she doesn't return it. She only huffs slightly before turning around and walking out the hospital.

_Okay, maybe I deserved that._

"Wait! Clare!" I call out after her as I try and catch up with her.

"You can't just do that." She tells me sternly, not even bothering to even glance at me or stop walking. "You can't be a jerk one second and be all Mr. Nice Guy the next. That's not how it works."

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm just…I've been through hell and back and I'm fucking terrified with this PTSD shit. What do you want, Clare? I told you you wouldn't want to know." I can feel my breathing increase at the fact that I just shared that with her.

She stops in her tracks and turns towards me. "That doesn't give you a right to mess with people's emotions."

I let out a breath in shame. "I know."

"But maybe you're right," she says softly. "Maybe I don't want to know, but I don't have a choice."

"What do you mean?" I ask her.

She bites her lip as if that previous information slipped out. "Nothing. It's nothing."

"Okay," I drag out the word.

"Look Eli, I have a lot of work to do for my article and I should go. But maybe I'll see you around."

"Wait," I tell her as I grab her arm. _Oh, what the hell._ "Can I…" I trail off as I rub my hand on the back of my neck. "Can I call you if I need help with this?" I gesture towards my arm.

She lifts her eyebrows in surprise.

"My parents have jobs so they are back in Toronto. All my friends have school and work. I don't really have anyone nearby to help me," I tell her in a whisper.

"I thought you didn't want help?" She asks.

"I was wrong. I was frustrated with everything and I took it out on you. I'm sorry."

She glances up at me from behind her lashes. "I'm not sure if I can forgive you."

My hands shake slightly. _Did I really just screw this up?_ "R-Really? Clare, I didn't mean to. I just –"

Her giggles stop my rambling. "I'm kidding. I just wanted to see your reaction."

I feel a small laugh escape my curved lips. "You little devil."

She only laughs before reaching into her purse and pulling out a small notepad and pen. She writes something before ripping out the page and handing the slip of paper to me. "Goodbye, Eli."

She turns and starts walking away from me.

I can't help it. I just watch her leave. And I feel like she may have taken some parts of me with her.

I glance down at the paper when her figure is out of my sight.

I don't know what I expected, but anytime a girl has given me her number there's been some sort of flirty message with a scribbled "xoxo" or some shit like that. Not that I ever called them, but they still tried.

I let out a chuckle at Clare's note. So simple, just like her. Just her name and number. No extra crap. Just her.

And I surprise myself by liking it better than the other girls' notes.

About three hours or so later, I'm settled into my new home. It's a small one story townhouse with one bedroom, one bath, and a small living room and kitchen. It's livable. After hanging up with Cece and thanking her for practically unpacking everything and being the best mom she possibly could, I glance down at my arm and realize I should probably get to cleaning the wound considering its been a few hours.

I walk towards the bathroom and unload the bag that Clare handed me earlier. One glance at the foreign materials and I let out a curse. I knew I should have paid more attention to the nurse, but damn, I was way too distracted by Clare.

I wrestle with my thoughts for a few minutes. There is still a part of me that believes I should just save Clare the trouble and let her go her merry way without me. But a larger part of me wants to get to know her. I barely know her and yet I forget all the crap flooding my mind when she's around. It's like I never went to war, my PTSD was nonexistent, and what happened with Julia never actually happened. She makes me forget, in the _best_ way possible. And I think I'm already addicted to her presence because of it.

I walk out the bathroom and grab my phone off the small bed and dial her number as I read it off the small piece of paper.

I feel my heartbeat accelerate at each number dialed.

I hold the phone up to my ear as it rings.

It rings once and I consider hanging up.

It rings again. _Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'm being an ass by encouraging her._

Another ring sounds. _Maybe being a jerk to her is for the best._

"Hello?"

"Clare!" I yell much too excitedly. _Smooth, Eli. Smooth._

"Yes?"

"It's Eli."

"Oh, hi Eli!" She responds cheerily. "What? Miss me already?"

_If only you knew._

"Very funny. I was just wondering if you could, well, come over? I don't remember anything the nurse said about cleaning the injury and what medications to take so please tell me you took notes."

She laughs on the end. "Lucky for you, a journalist's mind is like a notepad. I have a fantastic memory."

"Lucky me," I tell her.

Her laughter subsides. "So where exactly are you?"

"Oh. Building 237. It's on the north side of the base."

"Alright. I'm actually at the hospital again doing some interviews, but I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Thanks, Clare."

"Sure thing."

Then she hangs up.

And I stand there staring at the wall. Clare Edwards is coming over.

I jump off the bed and run into the bathroom. I look at my reflection and try and pat my unruly hair down and smooth my shirt. Finally satisfied, I walk out and wait for her in the living room.

The doorbell sounds about ten minutes later and I practically run towards the door. I hold the doorknob and take a few breaths to calm myself. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

As soon as I open the door, I feel a smirk make its way onto my face. She truly is beautiful. Anyone with eyes can see that. How she is single is beyond me. But I'm not complaining. The thought of any other guy being with Clare infuriates me much more than it should.

"Are you going to let me in?" she asks jokingly.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts. "Right. Of course. Welcome to my humble abode."

I step aside to let her in and she glances around as she makes her way into the house. After a few moments of surveying the place, she speaks up. "I like it. It's very…" she trails off.

"Small?" I offer.

"I was going to say cozy," she responds with a short chuckle.

"Cozy works," I tell her while shoving my hands into my front pockets.

"Where did you put all the bandaging?" She asks.

"In the bathroom. Right this way, my lady," I tell her before gesturing for her to follow me. I lead her to the bathroom and the cluster of bottles, ointments, and gauze on the counter.

"Go ahead and sit on the counter," she tells me in an orderly voice.

"Bossy. I like that," I tease her.

She glares at me with the hint of a smile on her face before grabbing at some of the items. I bounce up onto the counter. She reaches forward and rolls up my sleeve, revealing the current bandaging. She starts to unravel it in silence and I simply watch her. She is so close to me that I can feel her body heat radiating off her small frame. Her gaze never leaves my arm as she focuses on her work as I focus on her.

Once all the bandaging is off, she applies some sort of wet padding to the injury and I hiss at the stinging pain that comes with it.

"Sorry," she offers.

"It's fine," I tell her gruffly.

She gives me a small smile before returning to her work. A few minutes later she finishes and begins to wrap a new set of gauze around my arm.

"Did you get a lot of work done today?" I ask her.

She nods her head. "I got through a few interviews which was good. But I still have a lot of research to do."

I bring my eyebrows together. "What kind of research would an appreciation article need?"

She stops her movements before glancing up at me. "W-Well, my boss is…she's very demanding," Clare laughs out a tad awkwardly.

"I see," I respond. "So are Alli and Dave gone?"

She nods her head. "They'll return in a few days, but they went to Toronto to spend some time alone."

I nod my head in confirmation as I remember what Dave told me earlier that morning. "Guess it's just you and me, Edwards."

"I thought there was no 'us', Goldsworthy?" She asks in a joking tone.

I just shake my head at her humor.

"There. I'm done," she states as she finishes tightening the bandaging.

"Clare Edwards, you saved my life. How could I ever repay you?" I ask her teasingly.

"Oh I'm sure you'll think of something," she responds playfully before putting all the miscellaneous medications away.

I smirk at her as my mind goes into overdrive.

Too bad the one thing I want to give her most, I can't.

I try and ignore the whisper of the voice at the back of my mind.

_Because you won'__t let yourself._

**And that concludes chapter 7! :) Please feel free to leave me a little review as to what you thought! I absolutely love hearing from you all! It brings a smile to my face like no other! Anywho, stay awesome and I shall talk to you all soon! Bye my loves! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi there my dear readers! :) I would just like to take this moment to thank Littlemissartsi, kingstar, and Nizhoni who took time out of their day to review the last chapter. I appreciate you guys more than you know! And for those of you that are continuing to read or have just happened on this story, please let me know your thoughts. It definitely helps motivate me to write and update quicker when I have all your great support! :) Anyways, I absolutely adore this chapter. I think it is my favorite so far. We're staying with Eli's perspective for this one and you all will see why very soon. ;) I hope you like**** this chapter since it took a lot out of me. Enjoy loves!**

I realize I've been taking all these precautions to keep myself from falling too deep into the hole Clare's presence has dug up for me, but it is just too massive. I'm trying to walk around the hole only to be met with rough terrain that I can't walk through. I'm trying to jump over it and that is clearly impossible without falling in. I try to ignore it and just stay where I am, but I realize that is just counterproductive. How can I move forward if I'm staying in the same spot?

I realize that there is no way to escape but to turn around and walk away. Try and take a different path. I can see myself peering over the hole and see Clare's mesmerizing eyes and addicting smile looking back up at me. I shake my head internally. Turning around means leaving Clare here and never coming into contact with her again.

What kind of idiot would make that decision?

_An idiot like you._

Can't deny my conscious is right. All I've been doing since meeting Clare is lashing out at her and jerking her around. I've been a complete ass and she's still willing to not only be around me, but help me as well. I remember Dave telling me that Clare's nickname in high school was something like Saint Clare. Well shit, those kids knew what they were talking about it.

Clare is a saint. But that still doesn't do it. It doesn't describe the fact that her simple presence is enough to brighten up the darkest of people. It brightens _me_. And damn, when she smiles, she full on glows. No, saint doesn't do Clare Edwards justice.

The only word that comes to mind is angel.

Clare Edwards is an angel.

And I, Eli Goldsworthy, have damned myself to the fires of a personal hell.

The contrast is so apparent.

Clare wears bright clothing. I prefer the color black. Clare smiles at anything and anyone fortunate enough to come in contact with her. I have a fixed frown that only the rarest of events or people curves into a smile. Clare goes out of her way to help people. I only hurt them.

Even a blind man can see she deserves better than I could ever offer her.

And even though I know this, I want nothing but to crush her to me and finally relinquish my curiosity and feel the softness of her lips on mine to know what she tastes like.

"Hmmm..." I trail off as I put on a pensive expression. "I don't know what I can offer you that equates with saving my life."

She giggles aloud and I can feel the sound engraving itself into my senses for me to replay long after she is gone. "Dinner would suffice," she says.

I feel my eyebrows shoot up in shock. "Dinner?"

She glances down at the counter as that familiar blush of hers makes itself known once again. "I'm kind of hungry," she admits. "And since it looks like we're both alone, the company wouldn't hurt."

I smirk at how she is trying to justify us going out to dinner. Little does she know that no explanation is required. I can sense her apprehension as she glances up at me with wide eyes. She's clearly weary that she crossed the very, _very_ fragile line I drew out for her over the past few days. "What are you craving?" I ask her.

I watch in humor as she lets out a small sigh in relief.

"What? Did you think I would say no?" I say with a small chuckle.

"You haven't exactly been predictable, Eli."

"I know," I tell her as I glance down. "But I won't apologize for who I am. You know this about me now, Clare. I can't change overnight."

"I would never ask you too," she responds hastily. "I just – I think I'm slowly getting used to it."

I feel myself smile at her as I pull down my rolled up strap. "So what will it be?"

"I noticed a little diner down the street from my hotel. It looked quaint. Want to check it out?"

I shrug my shoulders. "This is my way of thanking you so whatever you want works."

"N-No. If you don't want to, we can –"

If anyone asked me why I did what I did next, I would not have an answer. My body clearly has a mind of its own since it chooses to blatantly ignore the panic alarm my brain fires.

Her lips truly are soft. If only I could put them closer to mine instead of against my silencing finger.

The slight contact of her lips brushing against my finger is enough to calm the panic mode my brain is in. Instead, a rush replaces it. A rush that encompasses nerves, excitement, happiness, safety, and the need to protect. Just a handful of what Clare Edwards makes me feel.

Her lips slightly part in shock at the action neither of us were expecting. I let my finger linger on her lips before bringing it back down to my lap. "I want to," I tell her in reference to her words. "I'm a guy. We eat anything. And I'm sure it is way better than any of the hospital food I've ate recently and it's not like a five star restaurant caters on the battlefield."

Her expression has remained frozen since our contact. She quickly shakes her head as if bringing herself back to the present. "O-Okay. Um, I'll let you get your stuff. I'll meet you outside," she quickly mutters out before turning out and walking back down the hallway.

_Good job, Eli. You scared the hell out of her. _

But I cannot say I regret it. Her lips are just so damn enticing. For a moment, my mind wanders to the thought of someone else having the pleasure of feeling Clare's kisses. And I am immediately drawn to anger and jealousy. More than I should be.

This whole time I thought I've been standing at the hole and peering in. Only now do I realize I've sat down and let my legs dangle down towards the bottom. I'm already in. There is still a chance to reach my legs back out if I want to.

_Do I want to?_

I hope down off the counter and follow Clare's lead as I make my way back towards the front of the house. I grab my black leather jacket off the couch before reaching for my keys. I open the door and see Clare standing at the bottom of the steps. She turns around and looks towards me at the sound. I offer her a small smirk before closing the door behind me.

I lock it and just as I turn around my eyes spot a small red car driving towards Clare. Well not exactly towards her, but on the road that runs parallel to where Clare is currently standing. I feel my mind pulling be away from the scene.

_The sound of the kids' laughter echoes out to us. I let myself smile as Dave jogs over and kicks the soccer ball that one of them sent over to us back over to the small group of kids. _

"_Let's hope your aim with a gun is better than your aim in a game of soccer," I tease him as the ball curves away from the kids._

_Dave glares at me. "Like you can do any better."_

_I smirk at him, wordlessly taking up his challenge. I jog over to the ball and swiftly kick it straight towards the group. "You were saying?" I ask him as I walk back over to my brothers in arms. _

_We're just taking a routine trip through a small town in Eastern Iraq. Both Dave and I stop walking when one of the kids runs over to us. _

_I curse myself for my hesitancy. He's just a kid for fuck's sake._

_That is what war does to you. You become paranoid of everything and everyone. You trust no one but the guy fighting beside you._

_The little boy smiles up at us before offering the soccer ball up to us. Dave and I exchange looks as more of our platoon stops and joins us. _

"_I think he wants us to play," Dave offers._

"_No shit," I joke with him. "Up for a quick game guys?"_

_Seeing as how this is normally a very peaceful town, they all shrug and nod as I grab the ball and walk with the kid over to the makeshift soccer field which is really nothing but desert sand surrounded by the brick walls of buildings. _

_We spend the next few minutes kicking around the ball with them and their smiles are enough for all of us to know the momentary stop is more than worth it. _

_None of us saw the conspicuous red car driving up and down the road multiple times._

_And none of us were expecting the bullets from the passenger seat that came raining down on us and the innocent little ones around us. _

"Eli? Eli! Look at me," I can hear Clare's faint voice calling me through the excruciatingly loud noise of bullets.

The feeling of soft skin cups one of my cheeks as I feel the same contact in one of my hands. "Please, Eli. Look at me."

I shut my eyes closed before snapping them open. The first thing I saw is Clare staring back at me with fear and worry in her eyes.

I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat before asking the one thing I need the most at the moment. "Where is my backpack?" I say in a raspy voice that sounds unfamiliar to my ears.

Clare glances around for a moment before turning back towards me. "I-I think you left it inside. Want me to go get it for you?"

I quickly nod my head as I open my fisted hand that Clare is holding and drop the keys into her hand. She rapidly walks past me and I can hear her open the door. _I need my pack. If I have that, I'll be okay. I can protect myself. It'll be okay. _

Not even a minute later, I hear Clare grunting softly behind me. I turn around and curse myself for letting her drag out my fifty or so pound pack. I quickly make my way over to her. "It's alright, Clare. I've got it." I reach with one hand for the straps and come into slight contact with one of Clare's hands.

I realize she is shaking.

She immediately pulls away before slowly looking up at me. I let out a breath in relief as I wrap my pack around my shoulders before catching her eyes. _Everything is okay. Clare is safe. I am safe._

We stare at each other for a few moments, both of us still reeling with what just happened. I open my mouth a few times only to have it close wordlessly.

"Are you okay?" she whispers out.

"I should be asking you the same question," I tell her as I eye her still shaky hands.

She follows my eyesight before clasping her hands together. "I'm fine," she lies.

"If I say I'm fine would you believe me?" She hesitates before shaking her head. "Exactly. So I know you're not telling the truth either." I let out a long breath. "Clare?"

She tilts her head in response.

I close my eyes. "Thank you," I let out softly. "I don't know what happened. One second I'm here and the next…" I trail off.

"You're not," she finishes for me. I nod at her in response. "Will you sit with me?" she asks in a voice shaking with slight fear. I just nod again as she leads us to sit down at the steps in front of the door. We sit on the top step next to each other in silence. About a minute later, Clare's soft voice speaks up. "Did you have a flashback?"

I nod as I purse my lips together. "I couldn't control it. I don't know what is wrong with me," I laugh out.

"There is _nothing_ wrong with you, Eli."

I scoff at her. "Sure. Because what just happened was normal."

I watch as her hand enters my vision and gently covers my clasped ones in my lap. I watch our hands for a few moments as I furrow my brows together in thought.

Slowly, I unclasp my hands and bring my right hand to rest on my thigh. I turn my left hand, leaving my palm open under Clare's now hovering hand. I hear her soft gasp from beside me as I slowly reach up and feel our palms come in contact.

I can practically feel the joy radiating off of Clare since this would be the first time I am initiating contact between us. She leaves her hand limp in mine as if allowing me to be in control of the contact. I take in a deep breath and let it out as I curve my fingers around her hand, relishing in the contact. Her hand is so warm, just like the rest of her. This same hand that brought me out of a nightmare of terror and back to her presence. After a moment, Clare clasps my hand tightly in response.

I'm unsure of how long we sat there as both of us gazed down at our now joined hands. But now that I know the power of Clare's touch, I know I don't want to lose it. I _can't_ lose it. Walking away is no longer an option. I'm letting my feet dangle over the opening of the hole without regret.

Finally, I turn my head towards her. She slowly looks up at me from behind her eyelashes when she feels my gaze on her. I swallow the lump that seems to have taken permanent residence in my throat, constricting my airway, before managing to speak. "Thank you," I repeat to her trying to relay exactly how grateful I am that she was there when she was. Those two words seem way to freaking inadequate.

The squeeze I feel as she grasps my hand tighter in hers tell me Clare doesn't seem to think so. I think she understands what I was trying to say. As if she can read my emotions and my mind. I wouldn't put it past Clare to have that ability. After only a few days, I feel she can understand me better than most. She bites her lip before responding. "Let's go to dinner," she tells me.

I let out a breath in gratitude that she did not pester me with questions. She's making the decision to ignore it for now. Just another think I'm thankful for. I stand up, bringing Clare up with me. Reluctantly, I let go of her hand to lock the front door. We make our way down the steps as Clare leads the way. "Are we walking?" I ask her.

She nods enthusiastically. "Why not? It's lovely weather."

I shake my head in disbelief at Clare's innocence. She has the ability to find joy in the smallest things the rest of us overlook. Things _I _have overlooked for a long time. But slowly, I feel Clare reminding me how to feel happy. I still don't think happiness is in the works for me, but it feels good to have a glimpse at it through her.

"Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" I hear Clare's voice bring me out of my thoughts.

"For your article?"

She shakes her head. "Nope. Just things I'm curious about."

I chuckle. "Go ahead."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-two."

"Where are you from?"

"Toronto."

"If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?"

I look at her quizzically. "You are one strange cookie, Edwards."

She laughs timidly. "I like to ask that question. You can learn a lot about someone from their response."

"Okay…" I trail off as I think about her question. "I guess most people would say Paris or the Amazon or some exotic place like that. But I've been away from Toronto for so long that I'd honestly give anything to be home. Sorry it is not a very exciting answer."

She shakes her head. "No, it makes sense."

"So what did my answer tell you about me?" I ask her curiously.

She stops walking as she turns towards me. "That you're not like everyone else although I kind of already knew that," she laughs. "That you've been through things that have left you pained. Home is the one place in the world you're allowed to feel safe. You wanting to be there means you need rest and peace. Home offers that."

I look away from her at her genuine and accurate description. "You're right," I whisper aloud before continuing to walk down the street. Clare follows after a few moments.

Our conversation continues as the diner comes into view. Clare has asked all the generic questions I expected her to. She asks about my childhood, my favorite subjects, books I like. Favorite movie? The Dark Knight. Favorite director? Christopher Nolan. Favorite actor? Christian Bale. Yeah, I think she can tell I'm a Batman enthusiast by now. What I did not expect was her excitement at the fact since she can recite some of my favorite quotes by heart.

"But the one I love the most is when Alfred says, 'Why do we fall Master Wayne?'" My jaw drops at her perfect British accent. "And then Batman says –"

"So that we can learn to pick ourselves back up," I finish for her in my Batman impersonation. She stops walking and I turn around to face her from a few steps ahead. "What?" I ask her.

"That was scary good."

"Thank you," I respond with a smirk and she smiles back before taking a few quick steps and matching her steps to mine.

Once we get to the diner, a welcoming hostess walks us over to a booth and rests some menus on the table. I gesture for Clare to take a seat before I scoot into the booth across from her. We spend a few minutes ordering before I look at her with curiosity. "So now that you know my whole life story –"

"Hardly," she laughs as she cuts me off.

I glare playfully at her. "As I was saying, since you know my life story, it's my turn to ask the questions."

She bites her lip. "What would you like to know?"

I start with her same questions. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-one."

"Where are you from?"

"Toronto and before you ask, I would be in Venice, Italy. I visited there with my family when I was younger and I remember this small café right on the water. They lit up lights around the outdoor seating area at night and I remembering it being so quiet and peaceful. All you could hear were the gondolas slowly going by. I'd give anything to sit there with some tea and a good book."

I nod my head at her answer. "That sounds nice."

"I'd like to think so," she responds with a small smile.

I debate asking my next question, but decide to go for it anyways. "You don't have to answer this question, but what did you mean when you said you wanted an honest guy? I know what that means, but I guess what I'm trying to ask is aside for the obvious reasons, why?"

She grasps her cup of coffee tightly before averting my gaze and looking down at the table.

"Never mind," I say.

I watch her swallow slowly before she speaks up. "My parents divorced when I was in high school."

"I'm sorry," I tell her genuinely. I don't want to imagine a life where Cece and Bullfrog weren't together.

"My parents always raised me with Christian values. Then they decided to get divorced. And that spiraled everything else I believed in into question. If they could turn their back on so many years of marriage, then what does that say about everything else they taught me to believe in?" She shakes her head slowly. "My dad basically left. I later found out he was cheating on my mom. Add that to my first boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend and another guy I dated deciding to drop me after a career opportunity came by, I guess you could kind of say I have trust issues. A lot of guys who entered my life ending up abandoning me at some point."

It takes all my restraint not to pound my tightened fist on the table in anger. Instead, I grasp tightly onto my pack resting next to me on the seat.

I take a few deep breaths to calm myself as Clare continues. "Please don't feel sorry for me. I've had enough pity from everyone to last me a lifetime."

"I don't feel sorry for you," I tell her. "I feel…_furious_."

"Why?"

"Clare, you've done nothing but be patient and helpful to me. It's just wrong for bad things to happen to such a good person."

She shakes her head at me. "I'm not perfect, Eli."

_I beg to differ._

"That doesn't mean you deserved all that."

She shrugs her shoulders. "I wouldn't take it back. It made me stronger."

"I'm glad," I say sincerely just as the waitress returns with our food. From there, our conversation returns to its usual banter as opposed to the serious undertones it's held.

We spend an hour eating our dinner and just having a conversation. I realize that even though I say so little, Clare is more than willing to make up for it. I take care of the check despite Clare's persistent argument against it.

As soon as we walk out into the cold air, Clare says, "You didn't have to do that."

"I thought you said you wanted dinner to make up for you helping me earlier."

"I meant the company, Eli."

I shrug one shoulder. "I wanted to. So just thank me and we can move on." I offer a smirk.

She slightly blushes before nodding her head. "Thank you for dinner, Eli."

"Now was that so hard?"

"You're impossible," she chuckles.

"I'll take that as a compliment," I respond. "Where is your hotel? I'll walk you."

"You don't have…" she trails off as I glare at her and she immediately corrects herself. "But since you want to, it's that tall building at the end of the street."

I nod my head as we continue walking and I allow Clare to keep up most of the conversation. I've found that I enjoy just listening to her voice. She talks with such passion and excitement. It truly is an addicting melody.

Once we reach the lobby of her hotel, she stops walking and turns towards me. "Thanks for walking me."

"No problem."

"I had fun," she states after a moment.

"Yeah, you're not _that_ bad yourself." I tease her with a smirk.

She gasps playfully. "Eli!"

I find myself laughing loudly at her response. "I'm just kidding. Tonight was the most fun I've had in a really long time. So thank you." I confess to her.

She offers me a warm smile in response. "Safe to say I will see you soon?"

I nod my head. "Absolutely."

Her smile becomes a grin before she turns around and heads towards the elevators. I wait until she is inside and with a parting glance, we bother turn away from each other as she enters the elevator and I walk back outside. About fifteen minutes later, I make it back to my residence on base. I open the door and quickly throw my backpack off my back and onto the couch. I rub my shoulders trying to suppress some of the tension from the strain of the pack. Feeling exhausted as I reel with the emotional rollercoaster of the day, I make myself walk towards the bedroom where I quickly wash my face and brush my teeth before taking off my jeans and laying down on the mattress. I look up at the ceiling as my thoughts seem to only have one focus: Clare.

As I think back to everything that happened today I realize I've more than dangled my feet. I've been crazy enough to allow myself to drop my body into the hole. My forearms still rest on the ground outside it as the remaining walls I have continue to hold me back from allowing myself to admit my _feelings _for Clare.

I close my eyes as I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face at the sound of Clare's giggles sounding through my senses.

I wake up with a jolt and I blink my eyes quickly attempting to adjust to the darkness. _What am I doing on the ground?_ I look around me and realize I'm kneeling on all fours at the side of my bed. I shift my body as I sit down on the ground and try and clear my mind.

The nightmare is all that encompasses my thought processes.

It felt so _real_. I felt like Dave was actually dead in front of me. I felt like the bullets were grazing my head in real time. I felt like the bullets that hit my arm actually went through my skull. I felt like I had actually _died_.

I wrap my arms around my knees as I feel the moisture escape my eyes and freely fall down my face.

I felt _death_.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" I sob out to the empty room.

Why can't I escape?

Why am I still on the battlefield?

As I let my face fall into my hands I wish I wasn't alone. I wish that Clare was sitting next to me to bring me back and lead me away from the horrors of my mind like she did earlier today.

**And there you have it! :) Leave me your thoughts about anything and everything! I love reading all you have to say about the Eli and Clare I'm panning out in the story. Stay wonderful my dear readers. I will talk to you all soon! **


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi there wonderful people! Oh boy, do you guys rock my socks or what? The response to that last chapter was so overwhelmingly humbling. Thank you to all who responded to it. Thank you to AMillionMilesAway612, daheclarefan, kingstar, Nizhoni, nydegrassigirl, CheapNovelty, Noelle, and xXxblackXrosezxXx for taking the time to leave me such motivating reviews! I normally don't do shoutouts like these, but I was overjoyed at all the response that it only seems fit to do so. :) Just a quick thanks for loving Nurse Dawes. I figure she deserves a cameo role for all her work in bring our lovely Eclare together on the show, no? And don't worry, she's not going anywhere. :P This chapter brings us back to Clare as some things need to be established, but I assure you, Eclare goodness awaits us. So please enjoy! :)**

I let out a sigh of content as I smile to myself while leaning onto the wall of the elevator as it soars to the seventh floor where my room is. Tonight was...exciting? Enjoyable? Exhilarating?

Yes it was all those things, but the only word that works to encompass all my thoughts right now is _enchanting_. I'm enchanted by Elijah Goldsworthy. I'm mesmerized by his green eyes that, by chance, flicker with emotions before closing him up again. I'm fascinated by his ability to partake in carefree banter one second and push me away the next. I'm captivated by his current struggles in a way that draws me towards him to help.

_Face it. You are in like with him. _

And I am. How can I not be? If someone evokes so much response from me, how can I not desire them? But the same amount that Eli draws me in, he shuts me out. I don't want to push so I'm allowing him to dictate the pace our…friendship, relationship, whatever you want to call it goes. But today, we were able to progress a good amount. He initiated contact. I can feel my senses tingle at the memory of him curving his hand into mine. I felt…_safe_. Eli's large hand covered mine in a protective, sensitive way. Although I was the one giving him support, he was the one giving me butterflies.

But if I was being honest, watching Eli in a trance from his flashback and not being able to get through to him terrified me. I was so lost as to what to do. I just thank God that it didn't last long. I wonder what he was seeing and what triggered it. All I know so far from the few interviews I've done is that PTSD is an anxiety disorder that comes with flashbacks and nightmares. I shudder at the thought of how much of a struggle it must be to be forced to live within the confine of your mind. I've had a glimpse of this after the Asher incident. I fought against the imprisonment his sexual harassment forced me into for so long. He pushed me to the edge and I almost fell off. But I didn't. I only hope Eli is strong enough to do the same.

And I know without a doubt he is. If _he_ knows that he is...now that is a completely different story.

I hear the doors open and I walk down the hallway towards my room when I spot two very familiar looking figures participating in a steamy make out in front of my door.

I chuckle inwardly before coming to a stop in front of them. I clear my throat loudly and they quickly break apart.

"Clare!" Jake exclaims while panting. "Where were you?"

I laugh. "Hello to you too," I respond jokingly. "Hi Katie," I direct my attention to Jake's long term girlfriend before giving her a quick hug. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We're here to help you move in tomorrow," Jake says with a smile. "Mom and Dad sent us with the truck and all your stuff."

"You didn't have to do that, but thank you." I smile at the two of them.

"So where were you this whole time? We've been waiting for _hours_," Jake complains.

I hear Katie scoff from next to him. "Hours? Hardly. Don't listen to him. We just got here a little while ago."

I laugh. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting," I tell him while reaching into my purse to grab my room key. "I was just out with a friend."

_Understatement of the century_.

"Alli?" Katie asks.

I shake my head. "She and Dave headed back to our apartment in Toronto for a little while. It's just me." I open the door as Jake and Katie follow me inside. I kick off my heels before falling onto the mattress of the bed.

"So who were you out with?" Jake asks hesitantly. I roll my eyes at his overly protective brotherly instincts. I bite my lip not sure how to exactly bring up Eli. Katie seems to notice my inward struggle since she turns to Jake quickly.

"Hey Jake, I think I left my phone in the car. Can you go get it for me?"

Jake turns to her with furrowed brows and before he can object, Katie speaks up again. "Please?" She bats her eyelashes in her own way that makes Jake succumb to her every command. He groans to himself before muttering that he'll be back and walking out of the room. As soon as the door closes, Katie jumps onto the bed next to me excitedly. "Who is he?" She asks.

"Who is who?" I respond playing dumb.

"Oh come on Clare. I know when you're hiding something, or _someone_ for the matter. Details!"

I smile as Eli's image comes into the forefront of my mind. "His name is Eli." Katie grins and nods for me to continue. So I give her the mini version of the back story. I tell her about how Eli serves with Dave to our first meeting to the events of today including Nurse Dawes and Eli's flashback.

"You really like him," she comments after I finish.

"Why do you say that?" I ask shyly.

"Because you can't stop smiling."

I groan lightly before falling back onto a pillow. "It doesn't make sense. I barely even know him."

"Clare, some people can be together for months, even years, and not know a thing about each other," she responds as she lies down next to me.

"But a few days? You have to admit that it's kind of crazy."

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean you don't go for it."

I turn on my side towards her. "But I lied to him. He doesn't know the article is about his disorder. What if he finds out? He is struggling with so much already…" I trail off.

Katie turns towards me. "So tell him the truth."

My eyes widen in shock. "No! He'll…I just got him to get a fraction more comfortable with me. If he finds out, I'll lose him and the chance to actually get to know him." I realize the idea of losing Eli terrifies me to the core much more than it should.

"So what are you going to do?"

I look down and trace the patterns of the shapes on the comforter. "I don't know. All I know is I can't deny how I feel about him. Katie, when we touch…" I trail off trying to find the right words.

"It's electrifying?" She offers.

I nod my head in response. "That has to mean something right?"

"Of course, Clare!" She laughs. "Stop doubting it."

"But you know how weary I am of trusting guys. I need someone safe and stable. Eli is so unpredictable."

"Clare, sometimes what we think is best for us really isn't what is best for us. I mean, think about Drew and I. I thought he was as in love with me as I was with him. Hell, my feelings were enough for me to give him my virginity, but you know what? I thought Drew was the best life could give me. I was wrong. What I thought was for me, really wasn't."

"But –"

"No more of that," she cuts me off. "You know how you feel and we both know you're strong enough to handle what he is going through. Seems to me like he needs someone like you now. And hey, if you get some loving out of it, that's just a bonus," Katie jokes as she winks at me.

I shove her playfully just as we hear a knocking at the door. "That must be Jake," she responds as she gets up to open the door.

"What did I miss?" Jake asks as he walks past Katie into the room.

"Oh you know just some intense girl on girl action," Katie lies playfully.

"Damn, I knew I should have run." Jake responds as we all laugh. "Should I be jealous?"

I shake my head at him. "Not at all."

"And your phone wasn't in the car," Jake tells Katie.

She smirks at him. "I know. It's right here," she responds as she reaches into her pocket and pulls it out.

Jake glares at her. "Girl talk? I would've just waited outside. Didn't have to send me out on a fool's errand."

"Oh, but where's the fun in that?" Katie jokes.

We spend the next hour or so catching up while eating the snacks they brought along with them. Jake obviously is my stepbrother so our relationship is surprisingly great, but I'm really glad to have Katie in my life as well. She really is like an older sister to me.

"Are you guys staying here tonight?" I ask.

Jake nods. "I'm guessing I get that uncomfortable looking couch?" He points towards a small couch under the window as he complains.

"You're a big boy. You can handle it," Katie tells him with a laugh.

"The curse of being a gentleman," he responds before getting up and grabbing some clothes to change into as he heads to the bathroom.

Katie and I change into more comfortable clothes to sleep in and I get under the covers as Jake gives Katie a quick goodnight kiss to the forehead before she joins me. I fall asleep genuinely happy for the first time in a long time and I feel my mind wander hoping Eli is as happy with today's events as I am.

The next morning, the three of us shower and get ready for the long move-in day ahead of us. As I check out of the hotel, I sneak a glance at my phone hoping for some sort of message from Eli. I frown when I realize he hasn't contacted me, but seeing how it is early, I don't give it a second thought.

Jake drives us towards the apartment complex and I realize it is only a few minutes from Eli's residence on base. I feel myself smile at the realization. Like I said before, I feel like an invisible force connects Eli and I. The closer we are, the more relaxed and content I feel. When we're apart, I feel incomplete and anxious.

"I owe you guys for helping me with this," I tell them as Jake parks the car.

"Anything for my little sister," Jake responds while playfully messing my hair. I swat his hands away with a laugh.

I grab a box and walk towards my room number. I realize the complex is two stories tall, but each individual apartment encompasses the two stories so it almost appears like a townhouse. I open the door to my room with the keys that were sent to me a few days ago. As I walk in, I realize it isn't too small, but it isn't exactly grand either. I'm met with an open floor plan that reveals a small living room on my left that leads into a dining room towards the back. On my right is a flight of stairs leading to the second level where the single bedroom and one of the two bathrooms reside. I walk down to the dining room and find the kitchen to its right. I set the box down on the kitchen counter as I look around at my surroundings. I nod to myself as I take it in. _Not too bad._

"So this is where you'll be living the next few weeks?" Jake asks.

"I guess so," I respond. "I kind of like it."

Katie offers me a smile. "I think it should be enough for a budding journalist."

I let out a laugh before we follow Jake back outside and grab the rest of my stuff.

Just about four hours later, I plop down on the floor beneath the couch where Jake and Katie are already seated.

"I didn't realize I packed so much stuff," I tell them.

"Luckily, the furniture was included with the apartment," Jake mutters.

"Thanks for your help again," I tell them. "I don't know how long it would have taken me without you guys here."

"Don't worry about it, Clare. We're glad we could help. Right Jake?" Katie turns to him.

"Sure," he responds sarcastically which causes me to laugh. Although some boxes are still left to unpack, the main necessities are all put where they belong and the apartment is now evidently a "Clare Edwards" dwelling with all the photos in picture frames and the countless books I decided to bring with me.

"Do you guys have to head back today?" I ask them.

Jake nods in response. "I have to help Dad at a construction site tomorrow and Maya has a recital Katie promised to attend."

"Oh," I respond a little sadly.

"But we can come visit in a little while?" Katie offers up to me.

I smile at her. "That would be great. And to thank you all, I'll go make you some food before you leave."

I get up and walk towards the kitchen leaving them to some privacy as I grab some of the groceries they were nice enough to buy for me and decide on making a quick pasta for them in thanks.

I've lived with Jake for a while now, but that man doesn't just eat his food. He _devours_ it. "Enjoying yourself?" I ask him lightly.

He only nods silently in response as he takes more pasta into his mouth. Katie and I laugh at his eating habits.

Katie turns her attention to me. "I expect you to keep me updated," she whispers to me as Jake is too busy eating to pay attention. "I want all the details about you and Eli."

I smile shyly as I look down at the table to hide the blush rising in my cheeks. "I confess I've been thinking about him all day."

"Has he called?"

I shake my head.

"Don't worry. He will by tomorrow."

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know him well enough to know what to expect. And besides, even if I did, he has these sudden mood swings. Like I said, he is unpredictable."

Katie reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. "Just let things run their course."

I nod at her knowingly before squeezing her hand in response.

After washing all the dishes, I walk back into the living room where Jake and Katie are already up and getting ready to leave.

"Thank you again for all your help."

"Hey, don't worry about it." Jake tells me before pulling me into a hug. "And take care of yourself until Alli comes back. I hate that you're here all alone."

I roll my eyes. "I can take care of myself." _And besides, I'm not alone…_

Katie gives me a quick hug. "Good luck with everything. I hope the article becomes everything you need it to. You're a good journalist, Clare."

"Thanks," I tell her with a warm smile before they usher out the door. I wave to them as they get into Jake's truck and drive off back towards Toronto. I walk back into the apartment and as soon as I close the door, I realize that without Jake and Katie's distraction, my mind has ample time to overthink and overanalyze. I groan to myself as I drop onto the couch in exhaustion from the day's labor. I grab my phone from out of my pocket and let out a sigh when I see no new calls or messages.

And surprisingly, it is not thoughts of insecurity or anxiety as to why Eli hasn't called that follow me into sleep that night. Thoughts of worry take their place as I feel concerned as to whether or not Eli is alright.

I wake up with a jolt to the buzzing of my phone signaling my alarm. I quickly turn the alarm off before turning onto my back and blinking at an attempt to take in my surroundings. I realize I'm still in the living room of my new apartment. Probably knocked out from exhaustion yesterday. I lift up my arms and stretch before flopping back down onto the couch. I reach for my phone on the floor beside the couch and after looking at the date, I realize I have a meeting with one of the psychiatrists at the hospital at eleven this morning.

Oh, and no new messages. _Why am I not surprised?_

I groan in frustration as I run a hand through my unruly curls. It's been over a day and Eli doesn't seem like the guy to follow the whole "wait three days before you call" rule. And besides, he needed my help cleaning his wound and yet he hasn't contacted me since our "date" to assist him with that. _Maybe he realized how to do it himself?_ Maybe, but that doesn't stop me from worrying that his absence and silence are just another way of him pushing me away. I walk up the stairs and grab an outfit for the day before stepping into the shower and allowing the warm heat of the water to ease out the tension in my muscles.

I stare at the person in the mirror after finishing my shower as I look over my outfit one last time. I smile to myself in approval at my curly hair, simple makeup, and knee-length floral dress before grabbing my sky blue blazer to pair over the minty green color of the dress. I step into my low white heels before walking back downstairs and grabbing my purse and notepad.

The cold fresh air of the morning feels good as I begin my walk towards the base. It is so serenely quiet that I unconsciously walk slowly so as not to break the peace with the sound of heel colliding with the sidewalk. I decide to send Alli a quick text to check in with her and Dave. Not paying attention to my surroundings, I didn't see the person walking in front of me before I come into contact with their firm body. I gasp in surprise and quickly offer up my apologies.

"I am so sorry!" I exclaim. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The person turns around and I realize he is a good foot taller than me. He also wears a uniform obviously meaning he is part of the forces. "Don't worry about it," he responds with a small smirk.

I thank him before quickly walking past him and towards the base once again. I realize I've unconsciously taken a route that runs in front of Eli's residence. My heartbeat quickens as I draw in closer proximity to it. A part of me wishfully thinks I'll somehow run into him, but as soon as it comes into sight, I realize that probably won't happen considering all the windows are covered with blinds. _That's strange. They weren't like that before._ I frown to myself and my feelings of concern come back to the forefront of my focus as I stop in front of his house. I contemplate whether I should just knock and check in on him, but I think better of it. If he doesn't want to talk to me, I shouldn't push him. But a part of me is validated in thinking something happened to him. I bite my lip in fear hoping that whatever it is, he isn't hurt.

I continue back towards the hospital and away from the small townhouse. I can feel that tension in the imaginary rope between us increasing as I walk further and further away from where Eli is. I come across a group of volunteers setting up signs for a "Guest Day" coming up in about a week on the base. Besides for them, a good amount of service members occupy the base. Some are just walking from building to building while others are actually training. I make it to the hospital with about thirty minutes to spare before my meeting.

I walk in and show the receptionist my press pass and she eagerly welcomes me and directs me towards the psychiatric floor of the hospital. I ride up an elevator and as soon as the doors open to the floor, I am met with a familiar face.

"Good morning Nurse Dawes," I greet her with a smile.

She looks up from the clipboard in her hands and immediately offers me a warm smile. "Hello dear. Clare, am I correct?"

I nod at her. "Yes ma'am."

"Are you here to see Elijah?"

I should not feel my heart jump at the mention of his name while simultaneously feeling my insides drop much like they would on a rollercoaster, but my body has mind of its own.

I furrow my brows together slightly and decide to play along. "Actually yes. Have you seen him?"

She nods. "He's meeting with his psychiatrist right now." Her eyes glance towards the press pass around my neck. "Oh, are you a journalist?"

I nod at her in affirmation. "I'm currently studying at the University of Toronto."

"English was always one of my favorite subjects in school. I find writing fascinating. What are you working on that brings you here? Besides Elijah of course," she laughs.

"An article about our soldiers," I tell her deciding a general response would fit best as I find my cheeks heating up at her teasing.

"Well, I will most definitely have to read it as soon as it is done!" She tells me encouragingly.

"Thank you," I respond in a low voice just as we hear a small commotion down the hallway.

"Mr. Goldsworthy, please return to my office."

My head snaps towards the unfamiliar voice and my eyes finally get their fix as they land on Eli's form retreating quickly away from the doctor. I freeze in shock as he is headed towards me with his head down and one hand running through his hair roughly.

"Mr. Goldsworthy!" The doctor yells after him as she begins to follow.

Eli ignores her as he is mere feet away from me. He still hasn't looked up to register my presence. As he gets within arm's length, I reach out and gently touch his arm as he walks past me in an attempt to get him to stop. He recoils from my touch before walking into the, by chance, open elevator and quickly shutting the doors closed. I allow my eyes to linger on the closed doors in confusion and worry before being brought back to the present when the psychiatrist stops by Nurse Dawes and I.

"What happened?" I ask her in a high-pitched whisper coated with fear and concern.

She turns her attention to me and glances at the press pass hanging around my neck. "Unfortunately miss, that is confidential information I cannot tell you."

"Dr. Kalat, this is Mr. Goldsworthy's fiancé. I'm sure she deserves to know."

I open my mouth to object, but refrain from doing so when the psychiatrist's mouth forms an "O" shape in realization. "My apologies. We were discussing his recent flashback and the nightmares he has had the past two nights as I'm sure you are aware."

I nod my head robotically to her statement feeling absolutely terrible for invading his privacy like this, but almost _needing_ to know what is going on with him.

"His anxiety increased the more we talked about what he saw and it got to a point where he couldn't sit still any longer. If you'll excuse me, I need to find him."

I reach out to stop her. "Let me. I know what to do," I respond as I think back to how I helped him calm down the other day.

She nods to me before a quick recognition dawns upon her. "Clare Edwards? I'm afraid this may hinder us from having our meeting today?"

My eyes widen in realization. I was so worked up about Eli that I did not even recognize her familiar name either. "Yes, I'll call you to set up another one. I need to go," I tell her in a rush to get to wherever Eli has stormed off to.

As soon as the elevators open, I leave her and Nurse Dawes with a parting smile and head down towards the lobby of the hospital. I practically run out the doors of the elevator and frantically search for him. He is nowhere to be found in the lobby so I make my way out into the open air of the morning and my eyes immediately find him.

His back is to me as he is resting his forehead on his forearms that lean against a tree to the side of the hospital. I walk quickly over to him, but begin to slow my steps as I near his slightly shaking figure.

I stop a few steps away from him contemplating what exactly it is I should do. Realizing physical contact might not be the best way to go, I decide to speak up. "Eli?" I ask in a low voice so as not to startle him. He doesn't move or speak at my voice. I take a hesitant step forward as I purse my lips together. "Eli?" I ask again in an attempt to turn his attention away from the battle he is fighting in his mind and back to me. Still nothing.

Against my better judgment, I walk to his side and reach up to rest my palm against his back. He immediately tenses at the contact, but does not pull away. "It's just me, Eli. It's Clare."

I realize his eyes are closed tightly and I bite my lip thinking of what I can do to bring him back to me. I walk forward so I can face him. "Eli, please look at me." I repeat my words from the other day.

I wait a few seconds and he finally responds. "Go away, Clare." His voice startles me with its roughness. He sounds exhausted and worn. Almost as if he hasn't slept in days.

"I'm not leaving you like this."

"Please," he begs me.

I feel my eyes water at the depth of emotion that one word relayed to me. I bend down and come between him and the large tree surrounding us with its long, expanding branches. I feel the top of my head come into contact with his arms and I silently gasp at how close our faces have become at my motion. I can feel his ragged breathing fan over my face.

_Maybe this wasn't the best move I could have made._

I reach up my right hand and ever so lightly brush my fingertips against his cheek. He sucks in a breath at the contact. "Look at me," I whisper to him. His eyes slowly flutter open and he looks down at me. As his eyes pierce mine, I realize exactly how dark of a shade they have adopted. I fully cup his cheek at the sight as my left hand goes to rest lightly against his toned chest.

I watch as he closes his eyes at my bold touch and I feel fluttering that comes to life at my hand but flies all the way through my veins as he angles his head to nuzzle his cheek against my hand. I pull his head down and gently rest his forehead against mine as he drops his arms to his side.

For a moment, I think of how easy it would be to connect our lips. Just the slightest lifting of my toes and the longing I've felt since meeting him would finally be relinquished.

But my rationale luckily overtakes my fantasies as I focus on the task at hand. I bring up my left hand and rest it on his broad shoulder. "Tell me you're okay," I plead with him.

"I can't say that," he tells me gruffly.

My breathing begins to increase as I realize nothing I am doing is helping him. "What can I do?"

I watch as his Adam's apple bobs lightly as he swallows. "Nothing," he whispers.

I bite my lip as I ask the question that I have a feeling he'll answer honestly if I ask. "Do you want me to stay?"

He opens his eyes and I stare back at him, pleading with him to just let me in for a moment so I can help him. It almost seems like I _need_ him to let me stay. Almost as if walking away would mean leaving more than one person's broken pieces at the foot of the tree.

"Eli?" I ask aloud vulnerably in a whisper as he remains silent.

He pulls away from me slightly so he can fully look at me as I keep my hands placed against his cheek and shoulder as I am frozen with uncertainty. I glance down at his fisted hands for a moment before meeting his rarely exposed gaze again. His eyes shake slightly with emotion as they fiercely capture mine and they tell me his answer before it has the chance to escape his lips in a hoarse whisper.

"_Stay."_

**So many feels with the ending of this chapter. I hope you guys enjoyed it! The next chapter will explain a lot about Eli's silence and all that jazz. Also, the man Clare literally walked into earlier? Don't forget him. He may or may not appear a little later on. Anywho, please be so kind as to review as reading them truly brightens my day! I love you all so dearly and cannot wait until the next chapter comes along! Until then, goodbye! :)**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello my lovely readers! Oh my goodness, the response to that last chapter was just remarkable! I was sincerely overwhelmed with gratitude at the reviews you all gave me. Each one left me smiling all big and excited-like. :) Thank you so much! Words of gratitude are not enough, but I hope you all understand how appreciative I am. I'm really invested in this story and I hope it is tugging at your heart as much as it is mine. Here is chapter ten you beautiful people! Lots and lots of Eclare for you in this one. Enjoy! :) **

The sound of haunting screams echoes through my mind.

"_I keep seeing the kids," I tell the doctor._

The pain of bullets piercing skin surges through me as I try and defend the innocent.

"_I fail every time. I get hit."_

Julia's bloody figure flashes through my mind sending the most excruciating emotions through my veins.

"_She gets killed right in front of me. Each and every fucking time."_

The exhaustion of sleep deprivation weighs down on my muscles.

"_I don't want to sleep anymore. I wake up feeling like I'm dead. How the hell is that normal?"_

Anger boils under my skin as the doctor explains treatment options.

"_I don't want your medication. I don't want to be more fucked up than I already am. I'll deal with it on my own."_

I feel like punching the wall when she mentions Julia. As if she knows anything about her.

"_Don't talk about her. Don't talk about me. Don't talk about what I've been through. You know nothing!"_

But as I stare down into a moist sea of blue eyes, all that pain, anger, and confusion simmers down. I take a few deep breaths as I inhale her scent and allow it to overwhelm my senses, replacing the turmoil of emotions. Once again, Clare Edwards has managed to break through my distorted mind and find me in the depths. How she has the capability to that is beyond me.

I relish in the warm contact against my cheek. I'm tempted to slightly turn my head and plant a chaste kiss to her soft palm. Before I get the chance to even consider the spontaneous action, Clare speaks up. "Want to get away from here?"

I bring my attention back to the girl in front of me. Wanting to escape and be anywhere but here, I nod my head once in affirmation. I sigh as she steps away from me and takes her stabilizing contact with her. I already feel myself slowly losing my minimal holds on reality without her anchoring me. I bend down and pick up the wretched pack that I had chucked off as soon as I made it out of the constricting walls of the hospital and to the base of the tree. Clare offers me a small smile as I wrap the straps around my shoulders and follow her down a path directed towards my residence on base.

Clare does not ask questions. She does not push me to divulge my thoughts. She simply walks next to me and I eagerly follow her. As she leads the way, I find myself realizing that I would follow Clare absolutely anywhere. If she chooses to go left, I'll go left with her. Her persistence is intoxicating. To put it simply, I feel _normal_ with her. I don't feel like a scarred soldier or a grieving ex-boyfriend when I'm around Clare. She manages to shove all those thoughts of paranoia and fear, of self-hate and scorn to the back of my mind where I cannot experience them. But as soon as she leaves, they come rushing back to the forefront of my emotions. They jerk me around without mercy and leave me lying on the cold floor of my bedroom with tears of terror escaping my eyes. They leave me numb and devoid of the emotions Clare revives in me each time I come in contact with her.

I shouldn't be encouraging Clare's presence in my life. I really shouldn't be selfishly forcing her down with me. And yet, no matter how hard I try and avoid her as I have since our dinner the other night, all roads seem to lead me back to her. She has a knack for showing up the exact moment I need her.

I notice a movement in my peripheral vision and I smirk slightly when I realize Clare has slowly inched her way towards my side as we have walked. She is much smarter than I have given her credit for. It's like she knows how to breach my walls without sounding the alarm. I focus on her hand as I realize she is reaching for mine. I tense slightly at the thought. She replaces her hand back to her side and I curse myself inwardly. A few moments later, she tries again only to hesitate once again and move her hand away. I close my eyes and realize my next movement will probably damn me to hell, but since I'm already out of reach of redemption, I can't find it in myself to care about that. All I care about at this moment is feeling Clare again. And if that means potentially hurting her by taking her down this road with me, then so be it. I _need_ to feel her again.

I bring my hand close to hers and turn my palm towards her. She glances up at me in confirmation but I keep my eyes straight in front of me at a group of people setting up for the base's "Guest Day", knowing that I would probably change my mind if I did in fact see her innocence staring back at me. She seems to take my silence as confirmation and slips her hand into mine with one gentle motion. I breathe in relief at being reconnected with her. We continue to walk hand in hand down the path and I begin to slow as we reach my place, but Clare tugs at my hand to keep me walking.

"Where are we going?" I ask her, finally breaking the silence.

"It's a surprise," she responds with an energetic smile.

I furrow my brows slightly, but shrug as I continue walking with her. Like I said, Clare could be taking me anywhere and I wouldn't protest. Well, maybe I would if it were a Justin Bieber concert or something ridiculous along those lines, but the chances of that happening are just about as much as the chances that I'll get some rest tonight. Slim to none.

"Clare?" I ask to get her attention. She turns toward me and I find myself at a loss for words for a moment. "I…um, what you did back there…thank you." I finally finish.

She squeezes my hand. "I'm just glad I could help."

I offer a smirk in response before returning my focus back to my surroundings. I realize we've left the base itself and entered into the neighboring streets. I follow Clare for a few more minutes in silence before she turns towards an apartment complex.

"You moved in?" I ask in realization.

She nods her head. "My stepbrother and his girlfriend came by to help me yesterday."

"That was nice of them," I respond.

"I know. It definitely cut my move-in time in half," she laughs as she pulls out a key from her purse. "Ready to see my _small_ apartment?"

I smirk at her. "I'm sure it's very _cozy_," I tease as I remember our previous conversation when she first saw my living quarters.

She giggles before opening the door and I follow her inside. It is a simple place and the piles of books lining a shelf on the wall and the table covered in papers and a laptop definitely validate Clare's journalistic pursuits. I feel a coldness starting at my hand and making its way through my body when Clare lets go to put her purse down on the couch. I walk inside some more and eye some picture frames on a side table next to the doorway. I put down my pack as I chuckle to myself and lift one up closer. "Well, you look pretty here."

"Wait, what are you – Eli!" Clare laughs out as she runs to my side and reaches for the frame. I pull my hand away and hold the frame above my head as I inspect the photo. Clare hops up slightly to grab at it and I just laugh at her failed attempts.

"When was this?" I ask her in amusement.

"Halloween my senior year of high school," she informs me. "My friends and I decided to be Disney princesses."

I laugh again. "That's very mature of you," I tease.

"You can never be too old for fairytales," she responds.

I smirk at her before handing her the picture frame which she returns back to its original spot. "Why'd you choose that costume?" I ask her as she walks towards the couch and I follow her.

"Belle? She's the heroine from _Beauty and the Beast_. I always liked her because she was an avid reader, never paid attention to what others expected from her, and ended up befriending and loving someone regardless of his beastlike appearance and personality. She saw the good in him even if he couldn't see it himself," she says the last part in a whisper as if relaying a bit of a secret to me.

And for a moment I realize exactly where she was going with all the Disney talk. Clare is an obvious beauty. And evidently I'm the beast. I don't hold my breath at the comparison though. Those stories are called fairytales for a reason.

"Who is the other girl in the picture?" I ask as I recognized herself and Alli in the photo.

"My other close friend, Jenna. She looked so much like Cinderella. Jenna easily put the rest of us to shame that night," Clare shakes her head playfully as she organizes the papers on the desk.

"I beg to differ," I object and the words escape my mouth before I have the chance to stop them. Not that I would if I did.

"What do you mean?" she asks tentatively.

I smirk as the thought of Clare's soon to be brightly lit cheeks comes to mind. "You stood out in that photo. You really did look amazing, Clare. Still do."

Cue Clare's blush. It's so damn cute that I doubt I'll ever tire of seeing it.

"T-Thanks," she stutters out. "Are you hungry? I can make us some lunch."

"I'm exhausted," I tell her as I take a seat on the couch. "I haven't slept for a few nights."

"Why not?" Clare asks as she bites her lip.

I rub my hands together in my lap as I avoid her gaze. "Bad dreams," I shrug.

She quickly walks over and sits next to me. "What about?"

I shake my head at her. "I already tried telling the psychiatrist. She didn't get it."

"Maybe I will," Clare tells me softly.

I look up at her and purse my lips into a fine line. "I'm not sure if I should tell you. It's some pretty screwed up shit Clare."

She reaches forward and rests her hand atop my own as she has done times before. "You can tell me."

I take a deep breath and let it out as I grasp her hand in mine automatically in an attempt to draw strength from her caress as I dive into the confines of my mind once again. "I keep having the same damn nightmare. I told you about the kids and how much they loved soccer right?" She nods in confirmation. "One day we walked into a village we'd visited so many times before that I lost count. Some of the children wanted us to play soccer with them. Normally we don't stop, but all of us were in agreement that a small game of soccer wouldn't hurt anyone." I stare straight in front of me as I feel my senses draw me back to the scene of the attack. "We were wrong," I tell her. "About five minutes later, a small red car stopped by the alleyway we were at and the bastard in the passenger seat fired at us." I grasp onto Clare's hand tightly as I force myself to remember the rest of the memory. "I was standing right next to the boy when his body went down and a pool of blood appeared on his chest. He didn't even have time to scream," I whisper out. "We reacted as we're trained to do. Your mind goes numb out there. You don't think. It's simply you against the enemy. And one of you will die in the fight and you fire back like hell to make sure it's not you that is left on the ground at the end. We got the son of a bitch within a matter of seconds, but not before he injured one of our own and murdered three of the little boys there." I close my eyes as I relay the rest to her. "It would be considered a victory to those on the outside. But to me, we lost that day. We chose to put ourselves in the same place as the kids and the only reason the asshole shot was because we were there. If we had just kept moving, they'd still be alive."

I open my eyes as I swallow the dry lump in my throat. "In my nightmares, this scene replays until Dave is left for dead in front of me and I'm left to die on the ground." I decide against telling Clare that Julia's body is sprawled in unnatural positions on the ground next to me. That is a secret I'm unwilling to tell. "I haven't slept because I'd rather not wake up feeling death." I notice my eyes burn from the moisture building up inside them.

A part of me is still shocked that I've unveiled all this to Clare but another part of me saw it coming. Since meeting Clare she's managed to break through my defenses through her persistence and freaking impeccable timing. I've given her every reason to walk away, but I guess she's found some to keep her here. And if what I just told her doesn't make her force me out the door as it should, then I really don't know how to fight against her anymore.

"I'll be right back," Clare's voice sounds from next to me before she leaves me and walks up the stairs. _Maybe I spoke too soon?_

She returns a few moments later with a large blanket in her hands. She sits back next to me on the couch before handing the blanket. I grab at it extremely confused as to where she is going with this. I look at her quizzically.

"You need sleep," she tells me in a matter of fact tone. "I promise I'll be right here. If anything happens, I'll be right next to you when you wake up. You don't have to go through it alone."

"Clare…" I trail off a little overwhelmed by her offer. This is way far past my comfort zone. Even coming here with Clare required me fighting against every part in me screaming not to get Clare involved. And a feeling of panic surges through me at the thought of Clare seeing me in my vulnerable state following a nightmare. "I don't think –"

"Eli, you can trust me." I watch her as she blushes slightly and reaches for one of my hands. I leave my hand limp in hers, stubbornly not wanting to reciprocate the touch. "I don't really understand it, but I feel this need to be with you and help you with this. Nothing you say will change my mind right now. Get some rest. I've got a lot of work to do anyways."

I want to protest against her, but what she is offering sounds so damn appealing. Maybe if I rest my eyes for just a little bit, I won't be walking around feeling like a fucking zombie. She lets go of my hand before scooting away from me and leaving me more room. I watch as she reaches for her laptop and brings it to her lap in silence.

I stare at her in bewilderment and wonder. I was right. Clare has got to be an angel because she is the epitome of "too good to be true". There has to be a catch. There has to be something wrong with this whole situation. But no matter how hard I dissect it, I come up with nothing.

Clare overtakes my tumultuous emotions and replaces them with herself. I _need_ her touch. I _need_ her scent. I _need_ to see her. I _need _to hear her melodic voice. Now if only I could find out her taste. I'm damn sure it's as intoxicating as the rest of her.

The crazy part of all this is I don't think Clare knows exactly how pure and good she truly is.

Ignoring my disapproving conscience that seems to be getting quieter and quieter the more I spend time in Clare's presence, I open the blanket and lay it over me before resting against the couch. I scoot slightly closer to Clare, not wanting to be far from her just in case my anxiety takes over. I watch as she smiles slightly before bringing one hand down from her lap to rest atop the couch cushion next to me. Her touch beckons me and I'll be damned if I can resist it. I close my eyes as I slowly bring my hand close to hers.

I feel my fingertips brush hers slightly and the familiar jolt of warmth and care that I've only ever experienced through Clare's touch invades my body. I inch my hand closer to hers before completely covering her hand under mine. I feel Clare turn her hand, bringing our palms in contact. For the first time, I lift my fingers and intertwine them with hers.

With Clare's ever present touch next to me, I allow myself to surrender to the exhaustion weighing down on me and can only hope that I have a peaceful sleep awaiting me in my unconscious, and not one plagued with nightmares.

I awaken to the smell of home cooking making its way into my senses. I blink my eyes open and take in my surroundings as my memory catches up with me.

_Clare's apartment._

I immediately realize her hand is no longer in mine.

"Clare?" I ask aloud groggily with a voice still coated with sleep.

I am rewarded with Clare's rushing figure making its way back to my side. "Is everything alright?" she asks in a panicked tone accompanied by wide eyes.

I let out a laugh at the sight. "I'm good," I tell her and smile slightly as her expression calms down. "You broke your promise," I tease.

Her worried expression returns. "I-I was just cooking. I t-thought you might be hungry. I didn't mean to, I just –"

"Clare, relax. I'm just kidding." I chuckle at her.

She glares playfully at me before growing serious again. "Did you have a good sleep?" she asks tentatively.

"Not one nightmare," I tell her while still surprised myself at the fact.

"That's good, Eli. That's really, really good," she responds in a soft whisper.

"I might have to steal this blanket. It might be my secret weapon," I joke knowing full well exactly what fought the haunting images away.

She laughs at my comment before asking me to join her for some dinner.

"Dinner?" I ask in disbelief. "How long was I out for?"

"Long enough that the sun has gone down," she responds with a nod towards the window.

Sure enough it is dark outside. "Shit, Clare. I'm sorry I intruded for so long."

"No, not at all!" She exclaims. "It was nice not to be alone."

Her smile is enough for me to know she is telling the truth and I'm glad I was able to offer her something in return, as measly as my presence is.

"Well then, ready for some food?" I ask her.

She eagerly nods at me and as she gets up to walk into the kitchen, my eyes can't help but follow her retreating figure. I realize that Clare Edwards is the single most beautiful and addicting sight my eyes have every beheld.

I also realize that if Clare wanted, I would be in the front row of a Justin Bieber concert with her.

**Yay! :) That concludes chapter ten! I definitely enjoyed writing this one and I hope you're all enjoying the buildup of their relationship. I know things are moving kind of slow, but keep in mind all the walls Eli has to break through before he can be with Clare. It won't come easy unfortunately. :( But I hope the journey leaves you all happy! :) Please leave me some of your thoughts as to this chapter and I will walk around with a smile on my face everywhere I go. :) Love you all and see you at the next update! Have a wonderful day! **


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello you beautiful people! I cannot stop smiling at the response you guys were so kind as to give me for the story so far. Like seriously, you guys are giving me so much motivation and this story flows that much easier when I have such great readers to write for. You guys are the perfect inspiration! :) So thank you again. I really, really hope you enjoy this chapter. It builds up for something that I am SUPER excited for! So I'll let you get to it. Enjoy! :D**

I slam the door shut in frustration as I walk outside where I'm greeted by a cloudy, grey sky. I wrap my jacket around me tighter as I begin to walk. To where? I have no clue. I just let my legs take me wherever they desire to go as I replay the e-mail in my mind.

_Hello Clare-bear,_

_I heard from your mother that you are in the Pettawawa base writing an article. I'll be nearby conducting a business meeting. If you'd like, maybe we can grab some lunch tomorrow?_

_I miss you._

_Dad_

That's it. That's all he sent me after years of silence on both our parts.

No "How are you?" or "I hope you're doing okay."

No "I'm sorry for making you question everything."

No "My apologies for giving you trust issues."

No "Sorry for screwing up our family."

I bite my lip as I feel my eyes burn slightly with moisture as all the tumultuous emotions I felt when my parents first told me that they were separating overcome me once again. These emotions that have haunted me since that fateful day.

I feel my teeth shatter together in a response to the wintry environment around me as I force my limbs stiff with cold to move. I called Alli as soon as I read the e-mail last night and she talked me down a bit and promised a girl's night when she and Dave return to the base in a few days. A regular, normal night. After what I'm going to have to address today, that sounds heavenly.

I duck my head down to fight against a gust of wind as I ponder whether or not to respond to my dad. I know for a fact that I don't want to go. I want nothing to do with him. He left us. He left _me_ and hasn't reached out in all these years. And now that he does, _this_ is all I get? An e-mail.

I scoff out loud at his impertinence.

I walk a few more steps before lifting my gaze back up and I freeze in spot as I realize where the road I've been walking down has taken me.

The sight of Eli's home overtakes my view. Ever since he came over just two days ago and took the world's longest nap, something has changed between us. And I think maybe, just maybe, he might share the same feelings I have. He's much more relaxed around me. He does not appear as uncomfortable as before. He hasn't had one of his shifts in mood where he tries to push me away. Granted, he hasn't exactly been Mr. Open Book, but I get pretty long responses from him when we talk now. It's no longer just me keeping the conversation going.

It's evident not only in his manner of speaking, but in his body language as well. Instead of tensing when I reach for his hand, he eagerly grasps it in his. I feel myself smile at the memory of his touch. The simplest way to describe it is that it makes me _happy_. With just an effortless brush of his fingers against mine, I feel the butterflies that have seemingly taken up permanent residence in my body flutter around erratically.

And although the enormity of my response to him shakes me to the core and makes goose bumps rise on my skin, I can't find it in myself to walk away.

And although I feel nothing but guilty as I take what little he's opened up with to me and use it to finally begin writing parts of my article, I can't find it in myself to tell him the truth. I suppose it wouldn't be hard _that _hard, right?

"_Hey Eli, I've been meaning to tell you that my article is actually going to be about the severity of the struggles of PTSD. Hope you don't mind me using you to make it a more hard-hitting article."_

Yeah, like that'll go well with him. I shake my head to myself as I realize I'm only digging a deeper hole myself each and every moment that passes by without me telling Eli the truth. I also realize that I'm dragging Eli down into the hole with me.

The images from my last encounter with Eli flood my mind as I make my way towards the door.

It was short.

It was quick.

And it left me breathless in such a way that oxygen seemed less of a necessity than it should have.

_I turn back toward Dr. Kalat as I walk out of her office. _

"_Thank you again for all your insight. I really do appreciate it. You've given me so much to work with," I tell her._

_She gives me a smile in response. "No problem, Ms. Edwards. I'm very glad to have been of service to you and to Eli as well." She glances down at her watch. "Do you know where he is? We have our next session in a few minutes."_

"_I'm sure he is on his way," I state trying to appear like I know much more than I actually do. She thinks I'm his fiancé after all. _

_Oh, crap._

_My eyes widen as I realize she might refer to me as that to Eli. And then he'll know I lied. And…oh goodness. My mind scrambles to find an excuse to tell Eli if he ever does approach me about it when Dr. Kalat's voice brings me back to the present._

"_Looks like you know him very well," she teases as she nods towards the elevators where Eli is making his way towards us. _

_I gasp softly as the now familiar feelings that Eli draws out of me overwhelm my senses. _

"_It's good to see you, Eli. You look much more rested than last time," she acknowledges as Eli comes to a stop in front of us. _

_My eyes never leave him as he glances at me before addressing her. She's right. The dark circles under his eyes are no more. I smile slightly at the thought that I helped him with that. _

"_Thank you. I feel a little better. Finally have some reasons to," he tells her in a soft voice with a hint of uncertainty. I overlook it as his eyes meet mine as if trying to relay a message to me._

"_That's great to hear. Maybe we can talk about it in my office. Clare, it was nice talking to you. Good luck with your article." She turns her back to us and walks into her office._

_I redirect my attention back to Eli only to find him still looking at me._

_He offers me a smirk before turning towards the door._

_I do not register the slight movement of his hand towards mine as he takes a step away from me. _

_The touch was so fleeting; I should not have felt it. _

_The touch of his fingers against the back of mine as he walks away stimulates the nerves below my skin. _

_I watch as he disappears into the office and the doctor closes the door with a final smile at me._

I raise my hand to knock on the door softly.

The giddiness of that memory intermingles with the absolute confusion and frustration of my current feelings.

I wait a few moments before I hear the lock on the door click and the handle turn.

Eli's surprised expression greets me as the door swings open.

"Well this is a pleasant surprise," he states with a smirk.

I look into his residence and walk past him without giving him any sort of response.

"Or a _not_ so pleasant surprise?" He asks aloud.

"He thinks he can just enter my life that easily. As if he didn't ignore my existence this whole ti – "

"Stop." Eli tells me as he gently pulls me to turn towards him. "Rewind. Play." He gestures to me to restart.

I take a deep breath before looking at him. "My dad got in contact with me last night," I tell him insecurely as I know he'll understand. I told him that my dad and I haven't talked much since the divorce while we had dinner the other night.

"He called?" Eli asks with his brows furrowed together.

I shake my head. "Guess again."

"He just showed up?" Eli asks uncertainly.

I bite my lip. "He e-mailed."

"Wow," Eli scoffs out just as disappointed as I am. "What did he say?"

"He wants to have lunch today."

"Are you going to go?"

I look up at him. "I don't know. I don't want to, but…" I trail off.

"But he's still your dad," Eli finishes for me.

I cross my arms as if trying to shield myself from the truth I haven't wanted to acknowledge. "It's not fair. He has treated our whole family like nothing but a long forgotten memory, and he expects me to just forgive and forget?"

"Maybe he wants to make up for what he did," Eli tells me softly.

"It's too late for that," I tell him sternly.

"Look, I know you're not thrilled about this." I laugh out sarcastically at his comment. "But you and I both know you'll spend a hell of a lot more time regretting not going than you would angry at whatever he tells you today."

I pout out my lips stubbornly as I realize Eli knows me a lot more than he should considering how little time we've spent together. "I don't like it when you're right."

He laughs out in response. "Thank you."

I feel myself laugh slightly as well. "Guess I should call him, huh?"

"Only if you're ready."

I bite my lip as I ponder over it. "I want to at least hear what he has to say. But be here ready for a long venting session when I get back. He'll probably get a rise out of me somehow."

"I'll be waiting," he responds sincerely with a small smile.

I feel the butterflies come to life again at the sight.

I respond with a smile of my own before grabbing my phone from my purse and walking past Eli towards the door.

"Thank you," I tell him in a soft voice. "I would be piling all this on Alli, but she's not here and I don't want to disturb the little time she has with Dave."

Eli shakes his head. "Don't be ridiculous. I owe you the world's largest debt for how much you've helped me."

I reach my free hand forward and he readily offers his to me. I give his hand a quick squeeze. "Wish me luck?"

He smiles at me. "Good luck, Clare."

I beam at him before releasing his hand and walking down the stairs back to my apartment, dialing the phone number that I used to call so often.

Three hours later I find myself back at Eli's familiar door.

My clothes are drenched from the downpour of rain.

My flats are soaked through, freezing my toes underneath.

My jeans and blouse cling to my skin as I feel the cold fabric.

My normally curled hair is patted down with the onslaught of moisture from the clouds above.

My salty tears mix with the raindrops on my face as I pound harshly on his door, as if taking all my anger out at the wood against my knuckles.

I let out a quick sob just as Eli opens the door.

"I was wondering when you'd show –"

He stops talking as his eyes take in my appearance. "What the hell happened?"

"He didn't show up," I state aloud. "He said he would be there and he just left me there."

I let out another sob as I wrap my arms around my frame.

"Clare…" Eli trails off in a soft voice.

"I should _hate _him," I spit out. "But all I wanted was him to say that he wanted to be a part of my life again." Another sob escapes my throat as I bring my gaze down to the wet ground.

"Come inside," he tells me as he reaches for me.

For the first time since we met, I pull away from him.

He retracts his hand.

"I don't know why I came," I hear myself saying. "You'll just disappoint me like everyone else."

As soon as I say the words, I regret them. I feel terrible taking out my anger at my dad on Eli. _Nice job, Clare. _

I hear him take in a deep breath at my statement. "You're probably right. But that doesn't mean I'm letting you leave. Now, come inside," he tells me again.

I look up at him. "Eli, I didn't mean that."

"It's okay," he responds, averting his gaze from mine.

"No, it's not. I'm sorry."

"Just come inside," he responds as he reaches his hand toward me again.

I glance at his hand and back up at his awaiting expression before putting my hand in his and allowing him to pull me inside the house.

I let him lead me towards the bathroom we were in the other day when I came over to help him clean his wound. He leaves me before returning a few moments later with a long black shirt with "Dead Hand" written on it. "Here," he states as he hands it to me. "If it's too short, I have some sweatpants you can borrow. You can wear that while your clothes are in the dryer. Let the water warm up before getting in," he tells me as he walks over and turns on the shower.

My mouth hangs open as I look at the shirt in my hand to the shower and back to Eli. I feel myself let out a breath before finally regaining my linguistic abilities. "Thank you," I tell him in a whisper as I wipe the last remaining tears from my eyes.

He offers me one last glance before exiting the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

I slowly strip off my wet clothing and walking into the shower. I sigh in contentment as the heat from the water seeps into my skin and relieves me of the tension of waiting for hours in front of a restaurant only to be stood up by my own dad. I can't believe I gave him another chance. How many second chances am I supposed to give one person? I'm just so sick and tired of caring for someone that obviously wants nothing to do with me. I'd much rather spend my time on people who make me a happier person. That's what it is all about anyway, isn't it? Surrounding ourselves with people who build us up, not those who bring us down.

I remain in the shower for a few more minutes, letting the flowing water take away all my frustration and sadness with it down the drain and far away from me before shutting off the water and grabbing a towel off the rack and drying myself off with it. I feel the heat rise in my cheeks as I realize Eli is only down the hallway from me and I'm undressed at his place.

I chuckle at myself before grabbing my undergarments that were luckily spared from much of the rain thanks to my thick jacket and jeans and putting them on. I grab Eli's black shirt and slide it in over my head. I stare at myself in the mirror and watch as it falls a little above my knees. I realize this shirt must be long for Eli as well since he isn't much taller than me. I use the towel to dry my hair as I inhale the lingering scent of Eli on his shirt in my senses.

After doing the best I could to make my wet hair appear somewhat presentable, I grab my wet clothing, turn around, and open the door.

I walk down the hallway towards the living room. "Eli?" I sound out.

I quickly see his image appear from the kitchen. "Hey," he responds. "Feeling any better?"

I smile at him. "I don't think I ever met an issue that a hot shower couldn't fix."

He smirks at me. "Let me take those," he states as he reaches for my clothes and walks back towards the kitchen area to where I'm assuming the dryer is held. He returns back to me and I take this moment to apologize again.

"Eli, about what I said, I didn't mean –"

"What are you talking about?" He asks me with a quizzical expression.

"When I said that you would …" I trail off as realization dawns on me. _He's letting it go._ "Never mind."

"That's what I thought," he responds smugly.

I giggle at his antics. "Thank you again. I can't even imagine what you thought when you saw me looking like that."

"No problem," he tells me. "Like I said, it was about time I got to do something for you. And I don't know what you're talking about. Last time I heard, drenched clothes were the new trend."

I take a few steps towards him. "I think I look better now, don't you?" I smile inwardly at our banter.

He draws an exaggerated breath as he looks me over. "And I thought _I_ looked good in my clothes…" he trails off as he shakes his head.

I laugh out loud as I feel the heat against my cheeks at his flirting.

"But in all seriousness, are you okay?"

I glance to the side before returning my gaze on him. "I will be," I whisper. "I just don't really want to talk about it right now if you don't mind."

He smirks at me before taking a step toward me and decreasing the distance between us. "Then let's talk about something more important like how you're going to thank me for saving you from pneumonia back there."

"Well what did you have in mind?" I ask as I cross my hands against my chest. I can feel the rapid rise and fall as my heartbeat accelerates.

"I was talking with some guys I had trained with a while back and they mentioned that Guest Day is in a few days."

"I may recall Alli telling me something about Dave taking her," I tell him. I also remember Dr. Kalat telling me about it earlier and how soldiers bring their loved ones to the base for food, games, and some of the soldiers even participate in the band that performs so that long departed couples can share a dance or two.

"Yeah, it's a day long event and it isn't too bad. Normally I would bring Adam or my parents, but seeing as how they're all too busy for little old me, I though you'd like to come," he tells me hesitantly.

Deciding to toy with him a bit, I bite my lip as if pondering really hard about it. "So you want me to go as a last resort?"

His eyes widen. "No! Crap, that's not what I meant."

"What did you mean then?" I ask in a teasing voice.

He glares at me. "You're going to make me say it aren't you?"

"Make you say what?" I ask, feigning ignorance.

"Clare Edwards, will you do me the honor of attending Guest Day with me?" He asks with the slightest hint of a smile on his face.

I beam at him as I close the remaining distance between us. "On one condition."

"And what's that?" He asks with a smirk.

"Save me a dance?" I ask.

"Yeah, dancing…not my style," he responds jokingly.

I reach forward and grab his hands. "Not even for me?" I ask him as I bat my lashes in the same way I've seen Katie do to Jake so many times.

I laugh out loud when I hear Eli mutter under his breath. "Fine."

**I was smiling the whole time while writing that ending. I just want to tell everyone that the focus of this story is Eli and his disorder, but I wanted everyone to see Clare's perspective as well. And it was just nice to let Eli be there for Clare since she'll be doing a lot to help him throughout the story. :) Did you like our lovely Eclare in this chapter? Who is excited for their Guest Day date? Let me know your thoughts and I will update as soon as I can! The school semester is almost over so I will have a lot more time to write very soon! I love you all so so much and thanks again for reading! Stay beautiful, my dears! :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Why hello there! :) I honestly had not planned on being able to update so quickly, but I sat down to write my research paper on PTSD (kind of cool to have that going at the same time as this) and this happened instead. I'm so not complaining because I really enjoyed writing this chapter and I think this is one of my favorite things I've ever written. So thank you to those who got a chance to review the last chapter! I really appreciate your feedback and your encouragement. I love to see you all as enthusiastic for this story as I am. You guys rock! :) Please do enjoy!**

I really did it this time.

I think – I'm pretty sure – I know I just crossed over the line of comfort and breached into the war zone.

As soon as I saw Clare sobbing on my doorstep, I felt my own stomach drop. How someone, even her father, could hurt her like that is beyond me. It was the strangest feeling I've ever experienced. Stranger than the nightmares. Stranger than the flashbacks. It was as if _I_ was hurting.

Clare's pain became mine.

_Holy shit._

And as if that wasn't warning enough, I just had to go and give her my shirt. I'll admit, I was insanely curious to see if she would be as sexy as I imagined when wearing my clothes. She did not disappoint. As soon as I saw her with her messy hair, the faintest rosy glow on her cheeks, and her tiny frame clad in my Dead Hand shirt, I almost lost it.

I had to fight every fiber of my being that wanted to walk over to her, push her up against the wall, and feel the softness of her lips on mine.

Obviously, the good old conscience stopped me.

Even just a few days ago, I would have understood why. I would have agreed. I would have wanted to walk away.

But damn, after actually having a good rest at her place and getting to know her better, I can't even understand my own restraints anymore.

I still think she'll be disappointed.

I still think she deserves better.

I still think I have nothing to offer her.

But my arms are slowly tiring of their hold at the top of the hole. I just want to let go and fall. Fall deep into everything that is Clare Edwards.

It almost seems as if the walls I've been fighting so hard to hold up are made of the weakest material. One sight of Clare is like a gust of wind coming and trying to tear them down. And the more I see of Clare, the weaker they become. And to be down right honest, I'm getting tired of trying to hold them up.

What sucks like hell about all this is that it isn't even the PTSD holding me back like I'd like to think.

One word.

Five letters.

_Julia._

Every time I think about it, I just want to punch a hole in the wall. Before Clare, the shame, the isolation, the punishment I put myself through…all of it made sense. I _deserved_ to be struggling and to be alone. I accepted that. I didn't think there was much better out there for me. I didn't think any sort of light was in my grasp.

After living in the darkness for so long, I got used to it. I got to a point that any light strained my eyes. It hurt more than it helped. So I retreated more and more into the darkness. It's who I am.

Blackness.

The inability to see. The inability to know my surroundings. The inability to know where I am headed.

The uncertainty of the darkness.

It blocked my ability to even imagine something better. All I could see was the darkness surrounding me. At first, I was terrified of it. But like I said, I got used to it. It became a part of me.

I knew who I was.

And then this, this blue-eyed _warmth_ managed to make it past all the defenses I had worked for years to set in place. She persisted no matter what obstacles I set in her way.

She found me in the darkness.

At first, I strained away. The light hurt my eyes. I wasn't used to it. I didn't know anything about it. It didn't make _sense_.

But after adjusting to her warmth and care over time, I came to get used to it much like I got used to the darkness.

What started as a tiny candle without much light has grown into a burning flame.

It would make sense to get away. Who wants to get burned after all, right?

I can't explain it, but I remember something from way back in high school. English always was one of my favorite subjects. I remember a lecture on symbolism. _What the hell was that phrase again?_ Oh yeah, some shit about rising from the ashes and becoming purified.

I blew that idea off like it was a bunch of other crap they force into us in high school.

But maybe I just didn't get it. Maybe it does have some sort of relevance unlike the other things we're taught.

Clare's presence overwhelms me in the best way. Her fire covers me and yet, I don't fear it as I should. I can see myself become _better_ after being burned down. As if I actually have a chance to restart.

Redemption.

I would never have seen it in the works for me. But Clare has changed everything. I really don't know how she did it, but she managed to give me something I haven't had in years. Something I had let go of for so long. Something I had lost all chance of recovering.

Hope.

And even though I'm finally beginning to embrace her flame, a single memory of Julia has the chance to extinguish it. To extinguish it and leave me with the darkness once again. Cold and alone.

I know it's my own fucking fault. I'm forcing myself to remember, to feel like shit. It's pretty damn masochistic, even for me. Now that I know how _amazing_ Clare can make me feel, it's almost as if I fall back on my shame just to bring myself more pain. It's ridiculous.

_It's fucking disturbing, that's what it is._

Can't argue with that.

So now I'm at a crossroads. I can stay where I am or I can more forward with Clare by my side. She's made her feelings pretty damn obvious and that kills me more than anything. I haven't given her much to work with and yet she feels something for me. She's given me so much in just a matter of days and yet here I am trying to force myself away from her.

She doesn't deserve that. She deserves better. I mean, I can't even find one thing wrong with her. She's gentle, patient, honest. To put it bluntly, she is everything I never knew I wanted, but somehow I need.

And I'll be damned if I walk away.

I feel like complete shit for keeping so much from her. If I ever do tell her about Julia and the real war stories which I can never imagine myself doing, she'll want to sprint out the door as fast as she can. And I won't even be able to blame her for it.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Her smooth voice sounds through the mist of my mind.

I look up from my seat at the couch and watch her come back from the bathroom in her newly dried clothes.

"These you really wouldn't want to know," I tell her while spinning the bottle of beer I've been drinking on my thigh.

"Well now you've really sparked my interest," she comments with a laugh before taking a seat on the couch and facing me. She draws her knees up and wraps her arms around her legs. I can see her smiling from my peripheral vision.

I continue to focus on the continuous motion of my hand as I choose to ignore her. I am no where near ready to share all that with her. Besides, I'm still debating whether I should kick her out and save her the trouble now or just push her against the cushions of the couch and attack our lips together.

Neither sounds smart at the moment.

I sneak a glance at her. She scoots closer to me eagerly. "Can I help you?" I chuckle as she continues to stare at me.

"What were you thinking about?" She asks again.

I shake my head. "Not telling."

"Come on, Eli. You can tell me."

_Damn it, Clare. Stop being so stubborn. _

"I find it funny how you expect me to talk even if I don't want to, but I didn't push you to tell me how you were feeling earlier. It's called respecting people's space. You should learn it," I tell her in a rough voice before getting up from my seat and walking towards the kitchen. I set the bottle down next to the sink and rest my hands on the counter.

I don't know what just came over me. I wasn't even that mad. I remember the psychiatrist telling me that a lot of people who suffer from PTSD have mood swings and can be irritable. _Great, just great. Fuck this stupid diagnosis._

I hear the soft padding of her footsteps enter the kitchen. I keep my back turned to her.

"I waited for two hours," her voice sounds out softly. "He told me he would be there when his meeting ended. Either it never ended or he just didn't want to show up. I just wish he would have called and told me. It would've saved me the embarrassment of telling the waitress to wait and wait and wait on the order until my dad came." I hear her take a quick gasp of air. "That's not fair, right? _He's _the one who screwed up our family and yet I'm the one who tried, who made the effort today. Shouldn't it be him? Shouldn't he be coming to my door and _begging_ me to let him back into my life? I'm just so exhausted, Eli. I'm tired of giving the man who cheated on my mom and left our family countless second chances. I'm tired of feeling like _I'm_ not good enough for him, but his new family and job are. I'm tired of acting like I'm okay when I'm not," I hear her let out a sob. I grip the counter tighter as I feel her emotions become mine as they did earlier. "So I'm sorry. I'm sorry for trying to help you. I just don't want you to ever feel the way I do. Like you're not good enough. Like there's something wrong with you."

_There has got to be a word better than angel. Even angel has ceased to do her goodness justice._

I take a breath before turning around and coming face to face with her. I watch as a few tears slide down her face and I'm compelled with the urge to wipe them away like I did to Julia so many years ago when she came crying to me about problems with her stepmom. But if I was being honest, I feel more drawn to Clare than anyone else I've ever experienced. I not only have to help Clare, I _want_ to.

"But there is something wrong with me," I tell her in a hoarse voice fighting against the sudden dryness taking over my throat.

Clare takes a few steps towards me. "What you're dealing with does not mean there is something wrong with you."

I shake my head. "I need therapy sessions and you're telling me I'm normal?"

"I'm telling you that you're still Eli. The PTSD doesn't define you."

"Your dad doesn't define you and yet he's still making you feel that way," I counter.

She remains quiet for a few moments and I fear I may have hurt her with those words. "Then don't be like me. Don't be weak enough to let someone, or something, else control you," she tells me in a soft voice dripping with vulnerability.

I take in another breath as I ponder over her words. _Might as well_…"I had another flashback yesterday," I confess as I look down at the ground. "After my appointment. I came home and saw some things."

I hear her take a few more steps forward. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

I look up at her and cling to her eyes for support as I nod my head much to the reluctance of my walls that are still straining to be held up.

She offers me a small smile. "I'm glad. You can tell me anything whenever you're ready."

I stare at the cabinets above her head as I feel myself being drawn back to the horrific images of that day. "It was a night raid. We were told some insurgents were hiding in a home near one of the larger cities in Iraq. There was enough intelligence to fear that they would do something the next day. Probably a suicide bombing since those were so damn common." I stop speaking as the sounds of the screaming women echo in my mind.

"_She says she isn't hiding any men," the translator informs us. _

_I look around the small room as the women and her friends continue to shriek at us in a foreign language I still have yet to pick up and strain my eyes to see anything. I nudge the man next to me. "There's a light coming from that door," I whisper as I point my gun in that same direction. _

"_Ask her where that door leads to," the leader of our platoon, Sean Cameron, orders. We wait a few moments as the translator speaks with the women._

"_She says it leads to a basement, but they have no use for it."_

_Bullshit. Cameron beats me to it. _

"_Dave, down those stairs. Now!" I hear him yell out at us. _

"_I'll go with him," I respond as I follow Dave to the door._

"_Ready?" I ask him. Dave nods in confirmation as I open the door for him and he quickly walks inside. I follow him down the stairs slowly. A small flame from a single candle lights up the room as all I hear is my heavy breathing. _

_We both scan the room once we reach the bottom of the stairs. I can barely see anything, but I know for a fact that Dave and I are the only ones in the room. _

"_Clear," I say out loud after scanning my side of the room._

"_Same here," he responds as he lowers his gun and walks towards me. "Where the hell are these bastards?"_

_I shrug my shoulders as I walk over to the candle. "This has been lit for a while. What's the use of it behind a closed door?" I think aloud. _

_Shit._

_I turn to Dave just as the realization hit him. _

"_Assholes fled," he confirms already making his way back up the stairs. _

"_They're gone," I tell Sean as we get back to the rest of the group. "They must've known we were coming."_

"_They can't have gotten far. Let's go."_

_We follow him back out the home and scan the dessert surrounding us. _

_A breeze blows by us and I shield my eyes from the pelting sand it brings. _

_I hear a round of bullets go off. I jerk my head to the side and watch as Dave is shooting at a target that I can't even see._

_More screams sound from the house at the noise. _

"_Straight ahead!" Dave yells just as one of the women run out of the house, screaming at us._

_She grabs at my gun and is pleading with me, probably to spare her husband the death he has coming to him. I jerk my gun from her just as a bullet flies past me and right at her. _

_She falls to the ground without so much as a sound. _

_Her eyes are wide with shock as a trickle of blood falls from her mouth. I watch as she mumbles something._

_Frozen, I continue to stare at her. _

_Another death because of me. _

"_Eli?" I hear Sean's voice from beside me. I finally register the bullets have stopped. _

"_Did we get them?"_

"_There were two. They were running when Dave saw them. I think he got them both," Sean lets out a laugh under his breath. "We'll be hearing about that for the next few days."_

_I want to laugh, but my eyes are stuck on the dead women in front of us._

"_Come on," he says. "Go back to the group. I'll tell the women inside."_

_I look up at him. "They wanted me," I swallow the lump forming in my throat._

_Sean sighs before speaking. "This is war, Eli. Shit happens. You do your duty. You do that," he tells me as he sets his hand on my shoulder. "And you'll survive."_

_I nod my head as I let him pull me away from the women and back to the rest of our platoon._

I bring my gaze back down to Clare. "That was the first time I was a part of a civilian casualty. I mean, she died because of _me_. How many more people have to die because of me?" I ask aloud as I feel my lip quiver.

I feel Clare take my face in her hands, attempting to fix my wandering eyes on her. "That wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't it?" I ask bitterly.

"No, it wasn't," she responds before gently wrapping her arms around my neck and resting her chin on my shoulder for the first time.

I freeze at her embrace.

I'm back at the crossroads. I await my own next move.

I can see myself lift my leg in the image flooding my mind and take one step forward in a different direction than I had expected as I wrap my arms around Clare's waist.

She tightens her grip on my neck as I constrict my arms around her and cling to her as I feel some of the moisture threatening to escape from my eyes. I nuzzle my head in the crook of her neck trying to shield myself from all the dark memories and hide in her light.

"I'm sorry about your dad," I whisper against her neck in a shaky voice.

She pulls away from me slightly and reaches up a hand to wipe at a tear that managed to fall from my eyes. _I must look like such a weak, flimsy excuse for a man._

Her next words quiet those thoughts before they even have the ability to take root in my mind.

"I'm sorry you had to be so strong on your own for so long."

She returns to her previous position and I feel her grasp a fistful of my shirt as she deepens the embrace.

I bring her flush against me and bring my arms around her in an attempt to protect her from the demons threatening to take her just as she has done for me.

**Oh goodness, this chapter had me feeling so many emotions! I really hope you enjoyed it because I really liked this one. :) Anywho, off to go write that paper of mine. I have so much inspiration now! Please be so kind as to leave me some feedback. I feel so happy when reading your reviews. You guys are amazing! Thanks for keeping with this story and continuing to read. I couldn't think of better people to go on this journey with. Love you guys! :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hi there! :) I hope all you readers are having a day just as lovely and wonderful as you all are! Thank you all again for the enormously humbling response to the story. I appreciate it more than words can say! :) Special thanks to you reviewers for making my days with your kind messages. You are all too sweet! And here is an update for you all! I think it'll make you smile. At least, I hope so! Enjoy!**

I feel a shiver run down my spine as Eli's ragged breathing tickles my neck.

I squeeze my arms tighter around his neck as I close my eyes and solely focus on the safety of Eli's embrace. As his arms encircle me and I hide against him, I feel protected from all the dangers of the outside world.

And that sums up how Eli makes me feel. He makes me feel like everything else is merely a foggy dream. Reality is with him and where he is. How he has the ability to make all my troubles, all my stresses, and all my fears disappear is beyond me, but I am so grateful for it.

I was truly hurt from what happened earlier with my dad. It stabbed me to the core. I feel as if my dad has this insane power to hurt me with such a large magnitude. I guess that's how it always works. Those closest to us or those who matter the most are the ones who can give us the most pain.

But as I breathe in Eli's scent, I realize those people also have the ability to grant us the most happiness. I pull away from him slightly and rest my hands against his neck as I rub my thumbs along the lining of his jaw. I stare straight into his green eyes that are visibly flooded with his overwhelming emotions.

"I feel so silly being so distraught earlier," I tell him.

His furrows his brows together in confusion. "Why?"

"Because my dad missing a lunch date seems so trivial compared to what you've gone through," I whisper in a soft voice as I drop my hands to my side in slight embarrassment at my dramatic response to the hurt I felt earlier.

"Clare, there are different types of pain." He tells me as I shift my eyesight downward toward his black shoes.

"I just feel like I'm being dramatic. My pain is minute compared to yours."

I feel his fingers lightly grasp my chin and tug my gaze upwards. I glance up at him from behind my lashes. "No," he shakes his head. "You have every right to be upset."

"But –"

"Stop it, Clare." He cuts me off. "Stop trying to fake it. It's okay to say that you're hurting. Stop trying to act so tough."

I sigh as he calls me out on my hypocrisy. "Everyone thinks I have it all figured out. They think I'm happy, but sometimes I'm not." I confess to him. "But I have so many people relying on me to keep them strong." I close my eyes as images of Alli, Jenna, and my mom flood my mind. "I can't afford to be weak."

I feel Eli's hands cup my face and I open my eyes at the contact. This is the most contact Eli has ever allowed himself to initiate around me.

I laugh slightly. "Maybe you should take your own advice," I tell him. "Stop hiding your pain."

I feel him start to slip his hands away from my cheeks as he turns away from me, but I reach up and hold them in place. "Like that," I acknowledge.

He sighs deeply before speaking up. "I'm used to hiding it. It feels normal."

I rub one of my thumbs along his wrist. "One secret."

"What?"

"Share one secret with me."

I watch him purse his lips together as he thinks. "You first."

I feel my throat burn at the memory that is drawn to the forefront of my mind. I close my eyes and I swallow the lump forming in my throat as I contemplate whether or not to share this with him. "Barely anyone knows about this. It's a pretty well kept secret." I open my eyes and look up at him. "I'm really ashamed by it," I whisper. I feel my cheeks heat up as my senses are overwhelmed with the same emotions that attacked me as I ran out of that cold, dark office so many years ago.

"You don't have to tell me."

I squeeze his wrists slightly. "I _want_ to." I take a deep breath before speaking. "My junior year, I was placed at a newspaper for an internship. Writing at _The Interpreter_ was my dream since as long as I can remember. My mentor there," I pause slightly as I feel his name about to escape my lips for the first time in what seems like forever. Eli slips his hands down and takes mine in his. I drop our connected hands and draw comfort from the circles his thumb draws against my skin. "A-Asher Shostak. He was the best of the best. Everyone looked up to him. _I_ looked up to him," I chuckle sarcastically at how naïve I was. "One night we were working late and getting along well…" I trail off as I begin to feel the rough force of Asher's lips against mine. I feel my throat constrict at the strange taste of his probing tongue. I close my eyes as I feel his strong grip imprison me. "He k-kissed me. I didn't want to. I-It felt so uncomfortable." I feel the familiarity of wet moisture slip from the corners of my eyes as Eli's grip tightens on my hands. "No one believed me," I whisper. "Well, except Alli of course." I let out a laugh under my breath. "She's been there through everything. But he got away with it." I open my burning eyes and look straight at Eli. I feel my heartbeat increase at his expression. He looks troubled and angry. "I have to live with that every day. He just sits there in his office and everyone still worships him. But Eli, I was so lost after what happened. I felt so _dirty_. I felt guilty. I wasn't me," I say the last part in a whisper. "And even though it's been years, I _still_ feel like I can't go back to who I was before the harassment. So believe me, I know all about feeling helpless."

I remove my hands from his as I step away and wipe at my eyes. I inhale deeply as I try and calm down my body's raging response to having to relive that night again.

"Clare," I hear him state in a hoarse voice.

"I let myself be alone with him," I continue. "I know it's my fault it happened."

"What?" He asks in an angry tone.

I glance up at him. "I was naïve to think he actually respected my writing."

"No," Eli says harshly. "That bastard abused his position. What happened wasn't your fault."

I shrug my shoulders as my bottom lip quivers.

He takes a few small steps towards me and diminishes the distance I created between us.

"I would know," he whispers. "I know all about being the reason behind the worst fucking thing that could happen."

I look up at him. "What do you mean?" I ask in a soft voice.

"The first time someone died because of me wasn't during battle. It was way before I even enlisted," he tells me as he stares intensely at the tile on the ground.

I wait for him to continue as I feel slightly fearful of what Eli is about to reveal to me, but no sound escapes his mouth. I realize whatever it is has been troubling Eli for a while now, much like my sexual harassment has to me. I feel slightly relieved of the burden after opening up to Eli about it, but I also know that I would not have done it had I not been ready to.

I reach forward and take one of his hands in mine. "Maybe someday," I whisper. "You don't have to tell me today."

He nods his head as if vaguely registering my presence from the confines of his mind.

"Eli?" I ask aloud trying to bring him back to me.

He doesn't respond. I bite my lip as I realize he's gone. _Again_.

I lift myself up on my toes and wrap my arms around his neck offering whatever warmth I can until he comes back to me. I bring his forehead down and rest it against mine. I close my eyes as I let myself imagine how glorious it would feel to just move my lips slightly forward and kiss him. I would finally relinquish the anticipation I feel every time I'm around him. But I know it wouldn't do either of us any good. He'd only push me away more and quite frankly, I'm afraid of exactly what that would mean to me.

I would be surrendering myself to a man again. I don't believe in just being with someone for the sake of being with them. I believe in loving wholeheartedly. I believe in giving myself fully to them. And that kind of openness, that kind of _vulnerability_, terrifies me.

But even if I don't want to admit it, I'm falling for Eli. I'm falling so hard and so fast and I fear that he won't catch me. I have this inkling that he'll just let me crash. It's not fair to him to judge him so severely, but I can't help it. Trust issues, remember?

I hear him take a deep breath. I snap my eyes open and am met with his green orbs.

I feel his arms encircle my waist silently. The intensity of his gaze causes a shiver to run through my body and I feel myself slightly shake in his arms from it.

His eyes linger on mine for another moment before he shifts his gaze downward to my lips. I feel my breath hitch at the longing in his eyes. It's the same longing I'm sure is revealed in mine.

I tilt my head to the side slightly as all my coherent thoughts and rationale that felt so prominent mere seconds ago disappear. All I can focus on is Eli. I feel my eyes flutter closed as I prepare for the moment I've been building up in my mind for so long now.

And this would the worst possible moment for my phone to ring.

It would just be cruel of fate to do that.

Which is _exactly_ why it did.

I jump back from Eli as the loud noise breaks through the haze of our embrace. My eyes lock with his for a brief moment as he releases me with a prominent sigh escaping his lips. I quickly walk away from him still reeling from our moment as I walk towards the couch and grab my phone from my purse.

"Hello?" I ask into the receiver hastily before the call gets sent to voicemail.

"Clare! Where are you?" I hear Alli's bubbly voice sound through.

I sigh as I sit down on the arm of the couch. "Hi Alli," I respond.

"Well you could sound a little more excited that Dave and I came back early to surprise you! I thought you might need it."

I immediately feel bad for my tone, but hey she did interrupt what could potentially have been the best kiss of my life. "I'm sorry. I'll explain everything later. It's just been a long day," I say as I rub my free hand against my forehead. "Thank you for coming. You're the best friend a girl could ask for," I tell her sincerely.

"And I could be an even better friend if I knew where you were," she laughs.

I look around the room as I prepare myself for what is to come. "I'm at Eli's," I mumble under my breath.

"Repeat that so I know I'm not hearing things," she says excitedly.

"I'm at Eli's," I repeat in a louder voice.

I feel myself chuckle at her squealing. "Why didn't you tell me? Are you guys getting along? Well of course they're getting along, Alli." I laugh at her conversation with herself. "Oh no, did I totally interrupt something?" She asks in a worried tone.

I laugh slightly. "Kind of."

"Oh no! Go back to whatever it is you were doing. Call me later. Love you! Bye!" She quickly responds.

"Wait, Al –" I stop as I hear the dial tone echo in my ears indicating she's hung up. I end the call on my phone and smile to myself at her antics.

"Everything okay?"

I jump up from my seat as Eli's voice sounds through the room. I turn towards him.

"Mhmm," I sound out. "Alli and Dave came back early. She knew I was upset about my dad," I explain to him.

He leans against the wall and crosses his arms. "Sounds like a good friend."

I nod my head. "She is," I respond. I scan around the room awkwardly as I fish for something to say.

"I'm guessing she wants to see you," he speaks up before I get the chance. "Go ahead. I'll call you later about Guest Day."

I look over at him slightly disappointed that he didn't bring up the almost kiss, but slightly relieved as well. I nod slowly in response. "Okay," I say as I place my purse on my shoulder and walk towards the door. I turn around before opening it.

"Thanks for listening to me talk," I tell him. "About my dad and about Asher."

He uncrosses his arms and walks towards me. "I wish I could do more. You don't deserve any of it."

_Oh how wrong you are, Eli. After all, I'm keeping another secret from you._

"Neither do you," I state firmly hoping he'll believe me for once.

He stares at me for a brief moment before reaching behind me and opening the door. "Tell Dave I say hi," he says. "And if he wants, he can crash here."

"Will do," I respond.

Not wanting to just leave like that, I linger in the doorway for a moment before turning towards him. "Well, don't I get a hug?" I ask as I chuckle in an attempt to relieve the tension between us.

"I _guess_ I kind of do owe you one," he responds with a smirk before reaching for my waist.

I giggle as I wrap my arms around his neck. I smile when I feel him lift me off the ground as he hugs me to him tighter.

I pull away only slightly as he lowers me back down.

"I'll see you soon then?" I ask him.

"If you're lucky," he teases.

I roll my eyes and playfully shove at his arm.

"Ouch!" He exclaims as he grasps his arm. His expression turns into one of pain and my eyes widen in realization. "Does the fact that I have a bullet wound mean nothing to you?"

"Eli, I am so sorry! I totally forgot! Does it hurt?" I frantically ask him.

He just glares at me and I feel like the absolute worst person in the entire world.

But then his lips begin to curve into a smile.

_He did not just do that_.

He laughs loudly at what I'm assuming is my frustrated expression.

"I can't believe you!" I tell him angrily. "You scared me!"

He tries to speak through his fit of laughter. "You should have seen your face."

I glare at him, but can't help as I feel the sides of my mouth curve slightly. _What can I say? Eli rarely lets himself laugh so strongly. It's contagious._

"I hate you," I tell him as I turn to storm out the door dramatically.

He puts his hand on my arm and tugs me to face him. "Oh come on, Clare. It was funny," he chuckles.

I shake my head. "You're impossible."

"Impossibly charming? I know," he smirks smugly.

I roll my eyes at him. "I'm leaving," I tell him.

"Fair enough," he says with a twinkle lingering in his eyes from his previous laughter. "I'll see you later, Clare."

I laugh sarcastically. "If you think I'm still going to Guest Day with you, then you are sadly mistaken."

His expression shifts to one of worry. "Are you serious? I was just kidding!"

I shrug my shoulders as I tug my arms from his grasp.

"Really?" He asks aloud.

I just look around as I ignore him.

"Shit, Clare. I'm sorry."

I glance at him and I crack at his expression. He just looks so sad about it all. Kind of like a little puppy.

This time _I'm_ the one who laughs out loud as I think about that comparison.

I clutch my side. "You should have seen your face!" I repeat his words.

He glares at me. "You're unbelievable," he states.

"Unbelievably beautiful?" I counter much like he did before.

He shrugs his shoulders. "Can't argue with that one."

I feel the heat rise in my cheeks at his unexpected compliment. "T-thank you. That was sweet," I say.

"I thought you hated me," he reminds me as he lifts an eyebrow.

"I do," I counter jokingly.

"And I thought you were leaving," he teases.

"I am," I respond as I turn to go.

Feeling lighthearted and giddy from our interaction, I turn toward him one last time. I take in a breath of courage before lifting myself up on my toes and placing a chaste kiss on his cheek. I pull away and look down at the ground terribly afraid I crossed his boundaries.

I prepare for him to push me away. "What was that for?" He asks in a light tone.

I look up at him, slightly surprised he didn't change his mood. "Think of it as a thank you for today," I smile at him.

He responds with a shy smile of his own.

With one more parting glance, I turn away from him and walk out the door.

A few hours and multiple squeals from Alli later, I find myself still smiling at my interaction with Eli today as I stare up at the ceiling from my place on my bed.

"He almost kissed you!" Alli exclaims.

I chuckle. "I know. I was there remember?"

"And he asked you out!" She continues.

I feel my cheeks hurt from the grin fixed on my face. "I'm so happy," I confess to her.

"And you kissed him on the cheek!"

I shake my head in humor at her reaction to all my news. I obviously did not tell her about Eli's flashbacks in detail or about his PTSD, but I did mention that he has opened up to me about some things.

"Crazy huh?" I ask her.

I feel the mattress dip next to me as she joins me. "This is great, Clare! We can go on double dates and everything!" She laughs out loud. I feel her eyes on me and I turn on my side towards her.

"What?" I ask.

"It's great seeing you this happy," she tells me sincerely as she grabs my hand in hers.

"It's great feeling this happy," I whisper with a smile.

"Are you girls done giggling with all your girl stuff?" I hear Dave's voice tease on the other side of my bedroom door.

"You can come in," I say as both Alli and I sit up.

Dave walks in hesitantly. "I'm going to Eli's for the night. I kind of miss the guy."

"Awww," Alli sounds out as she walks over to him.

He glares at her jokingly. "It was good seeing you again, Clare."

I grin at him response before Alli walks down the stairs with him hand-in-hand.

I hear my phone buzz from its place on my nightstand. I reach over and open the message.

I feel myself let out an Alli-like squeal as I read it before falling back on my bed in bliss. The message remains on repeat in my mind long after I've fallen asleep.

_If your unbelievably beautiful self doesn't mind, I'd like to wish you goodnight. Sweet dreams, Clare._

**Oh boy, I sighed with content at the end of the chapter. :) I hope it had the same effect on you all as well! Let me know what you thought! Your reviews make me as happy as Eli makes Clare! I love love love you all, my dear readers! Thanks for keeping with the story. See you soon! :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Greetings wonderful readers! :) So I was on Tumblr the other day and saw some people sending this story around and I got so excited over it! Thank you all so much for sharing Love is Revival. I'm genuinely enjoying this journey and it brings a smile to my face to know you all are as well. Thank you to all the reviewers! You are all just amazing and I smile at all your messages. Thank you, really. :) I'll let you guys get to the chapter now. Enjoy my loves!**

I sigh in content as I send my goodnight text to Clare. I feel a smirk make its way onto my face as I imagine the blush that will take over Clare's cheeks when she reads it. Mission accomplished.

She really is something. And damn, hugging her felt so _familiar_. My hands immediately found their home around her waist just as hers did against my neck. Our embrace felt so natural as if it was the millionth time I've held her in my arms, not the first.

I lift up my fingertips and brush them against my cheek. I can still feel the softness of her lips as she subtly touched them to my skin. It was such an innocent action. And the way she lifted herself on her toes and looked down in embarrassment…I'll be lying if I said I've ever seen anything more adorable.

Everything about Clare is just so damn _intoxicating_. Her ever-present smile. Her persistence. Her warmth. The way she seems to be the one and only thing that makes all the screwed up shit in my life disappear. I'm really starting to wonder exactly why I've been fighting my feelings for her so strongly. This whole time I've been trying to push her away and keep her at a safe distance from me. After all, I've got knack for hurting the people I care about. And yet, the more I fight Clare, the stronger she fights back.

And after seeing her so distraught about her dad, I just about wanted to grab a gun and do some damage when she confessed about the asshole that harassed her. Clare has got to be, hands down, the purest person I've ever met. She exemplifies an untarnished beauty. And for someone to just attack her like that and try to take that away from her angers me to the greatest extent.

A knock at the door shifts my focus back to reality. I set my phone down on the table and walk towards the door. I smile when I see who is behind it.

"Well look who decided to show up," I laugh as Dave stands there with a knowing look on his face. I wait a few seconds and all he does is smile at me. I furrow my brows together and ask, "What?"

He nods his head a few times before lifting his fisted hand up. "Come on. Give me some," he gestures to his hand.

I hesitantly pound his fist. "Why the hell are you acting so weird?"

He chuckles before walking past me inside. "Eli and Clare sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Dave sings obnoxiously. He laughs out loud as he flops down on the couch.

I roll my eyes.

"I think this is my cue to say I told you so," Dave remarks.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I counter as I go grab two beers from the kitchen.

"My bad, bro. But did I or did I not just sit alone for two hours in Clare's apartment as she gushed about how dreamy you are to Alli?" Dave says aloud when I return.

I hand him the bottle and take a seat on the couch next to him. "She thinks I'm dreamy?" I ask him with a smile as I take a sip from my drink.

Dave's deep laughter echoes throughout the room. "I never would have thought I would see the day that Eli Goldsworthy would be blushing."

I snap my gaze to him as I bring my familiar mask onto my expression. "You don't know what you're talking about," I say in a low voice. I appreciate Dave's enthusiasm, but I'd rather not deal with him making fun of me. What I feel for Clare is no joke.

Dave takes a long drink of his beer before setting it down on the table. "Look, I'm sorry. I'll stop teasing. But seriously, you and Clare?"

I gaze down at my lap not wanting to meet his interrogating gaze. "Dave…" I trail off as I try and find the right words. I feel comfortable telling him anything. Like I've said before, he's my brother and he's proven his loyalty to me so many times. Even taking a bullet that was directed at me. "She makes me feel like everything will be okay. Like I can actually make it through all this shit." I smile to myself as Clare's image floods my mind. "She's so damn stubborn," I chuckle. "I tried to ignore her, but she wouldn't let me." I shake my head to myself. "Clare manages to make me happy." I look up at him. "I haven't been happy, like _really _happy, since…" I trail off as Clare's warmth is replaced by my dark memories of Julia.

"Since what happened with Julia," Dave finishes for me.

I nod hesitantly. I told him about Julia one night after a long day of battle. I had to tell someone or else I would go insane. Memories of that night haunted me for so long. It felt so fucking good to tell someone who had no prior background about it. I expected him to hate me after. Who wants to be friends with a murderer anyway? But he just sat with me silently. His mere presence telling me he understands. We all have our past and our reasons for enlisting. He comprehended mine.

"It just feels wrong," I tell him. "Why should I get to be happy when she can't?"

I hear Dave sigh deeply before turning to me. "I know you know how much Alli means to me." I nod my head. Everyone and their mother can see that. "That doesn't mean I didn't screw up big time."

I turn to him curiously. "You?"

He nods his head. "Me. Believe it or not, I cheated on her."

My jaw drops in shock. "You cheated on Alli?" I ask in disbelief.

"Even better, that was my first time with anyone. You can imagine that did not bide well with Alli," he remarks.

I nod my head slowly still in shock at his revelation. "She packs a lot of intimidation in that small body of hers."

"Yeah, imagine being on her bad side. It was pure hell. She wouldn't even look at me after. I was an ass. A complete idiot. It took _months_, Eli. It took months before she spoke to me. I did everything I could think of to get her back. And she did, eventually. But not before the girl I, you know, started to message me." He looks off to the side, avoiding my gaze. "I ignored her. I made that girl feel like shit." He shakes his head. "I was just so damn happy to have Alli back that I didn't want anything to screw it up. But the girl, J-Jacinta, she showed up at Degrassi for this event we had." He stops talking and I remain silent waiting for him to continue. "Alli knew something was up and I could _feel_ myself losing her again. I didn't want that. So I tricked Jacinta to leave with me, but I was driving her to the train station. She wasn't too happy about it," Dave shakes his head silently. "She got out of the car and ran into the street while texting some crap to Alli with my phone. She didn't see the car…I didn't see the car until it was too late."

I turn away from Dave as I take all this in.

"She was hospitalized. They didn't know how serious her injuries were," his voice cracks. "She c-can't walk anymore, Eli. And that's on _me_. That is completely _my_ fault. If I hadn't ignored her, she would still be walking. So I know how it feels to be the reason someone's life is never the same."

I look over at him as he bends over and rubs his eyes with the palm of his hands.

"I felt so guilty. I still do. Had it not been for Alli, I don't know what I would have done." He looks over at me. "The things you said about Clare. About how she makes all the crap go away?"

I nod my head.

"Alli did that for me. She _still_ does that for me." He shrugs his shoulders. "I can't be without her. If I lost Alli, all the bad memories would take over."

I purse my lips together. "Isn't that bad though?" I ask him. "Letting one person have so much control over your happiness?"

He laughs under his breath. "You're acting like there's a choice. Eli, you don't _let_ Clare have that control. She just does."

I rub my hands together nervously. "I never knew about that Jacinta stuff."

"Yeah, well I'd rather not make it public knowledge. I think you understand," he replies.

I nod in response before looking over at him. I knew Dave and I were close for a reason. But I never knew we had so much in common. Such similar experiences that haunt us. It feels great to have someone to talk to that actually feels the same guilt I do. No one else really understands something unless they've gone through it themselves. Wait, I take that back.

Clare does.

She makes me feel like she realizes what I'm going through. And she makes it feel so inconsequential. She makes me feel like I can overcome it.

Like Alli did to Dave.

I smile to myself.

"It's crazy huh?" He asks me.

I turn to him. "What is?"

"How one person can change your whole perspective," he states.

I shake my head humorously. "You can say that again."

"Clare is a really good person, Eli. She's been there for Alli through thick and thin. She's one of the best people I've ever met."

I glance at him. "She _is_ the best person I've ever met," I confess.

Dave chuckles aloud before grabbing my shoulder. "Well then, now that that is settled, I'd like to sleep."

I laugh as I down the rest of my drink. "I'll get you some blankets."

I walk over to the bedroom and grab the spare pillows and blankets Cece and Bullfrog brought for me. I throw them on top of Dave. "Enjoy!" I tell him as I turn back down the hallway.

"You're such an ass!" He yells back jokingly.

I smirk to myself as I get ready to undress for bed. I look around for my shirt that I had let Clare borrow earlier. _Where the hell is it?_ I search the bathroom and my bedroom. I walk all over the house and it is nowhere to be found.

_That little devil_. I feel a smile creep onto my face as I realize Clare must have taken it. Probably put it in her purse before leaving.

"Yo, Eli?" I hear Dave ask aloud.

I walk out my bedroom and down the hallway towards the couch. "What's up?" I ask him.

He looks at me seriously. "How's the PTSD?"

I inhale deeply before glancing at the ceiling. "Like shit," I inform him. "Living like me, Dave." I pause. "It's hell."

"Fuck…" Dave trails off.

I laugh, but it comes out dry. "Yeah."

"What did the doctor say?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Nothing important."

"Well how the hell are you going to get better?"

I look up at him. "I think that question has already been answered."

He smiles at me knowingly. "My man has game."

I roll my eyes before turning back into my bedroom.

_Not that I'm actually going to sleep, but staring at the ceiling and reliving my day with Clare sounds like a fun way to spend my time._

A few hours later, I feel my phone vibrate from its spot next to me. I turn over to my side.

I open the message and I can't help the smile that makes its way onto my face.

_If you're impossibly charming self doesn't mind, I can't sleep and was wondering if you would keep me company?_

I immediately send her a reply. I never thought lack of sleep would be a good thing. I feel a sense of worry overcome my emotions.

_Of course. I don't get much sleep these days anyway. Why are you awake?_

I send the text and await her response.

_Too much on my mind._

I chuckle slightly. Clare spends too much time thinking.

_All the stuff with your dad?_

It takes her a few minutes before she responds.

_Mhmm. Alli and I watched a few movies and that took my mind off it for a while, but I can't help but think about it just laying here._

I purse my lips together as I wish I was there with her.

_Maybe you should write a letter to your dad? You don't have to give it to him if you don't want to, but if writing is your thing, that might help get all your pent up anger out._

Her quick reply makes me smile.

_That's a really smart idea Eli. _

I smirk as I write back my response.

_I'm a genius. I know. Now go sleep. You need your rest after such a long day._

Although I'd much rather spend the whole night talking to Clare, I wouldn't want her walking around as exhausted as I feel.

_But I'm not tired._

I can just about see her pouting.

_Sure you're not_.

_I'm not. I can stay up all night. Talking to you makes me happy._

And you, Clare Edwards, make me happy.

_Sweet talking won't get you anywhere. You're not fooling anybody. _

I have to suppress my laughter as she continues to argue with me.

_Why won't you believe me? I'm not sleepy._

I shake my head as I type back my response.

_I believe that you think you're not sleepy. But it's three in the morning. And since you don't seem like the "rebellious, stay up past your bedtime" type, I doubt you're used to being awake right now._

The innocence of our banter makes me smirk to myself.

_Oh I am plenty rebellious. _

I laugh out loud at her attempt. She is so damn cute.

_I'm sure you are._

And her lack of response for the next hour proves my point. She probably fell asleep right after sending her last message. I decide to send her one more message for her to wake up to.

_I figure I'm right and you've fallen asleep. But Ms. Rebellious, in case it wasn't obvious, talking to you makes me happy too._

Hours afterwards, my eyes snap open as I pant heavily from the images flying through my mind.

I quickly jump into the shower and ignore the stinging sensation of the hot water on my cut lip.

After dressing in my usual black attire, I walk into the living room and chuckle at Dave's sleeping form. I grab a pillow from that dropped off the couch in his slumber and toss it at his face.

He jerks awake. "What? What? I'm up."

I laugh as I walk into the kitchen and survey the minimal food in the fridge. I settle for some orange juice.

"We're going for a run," I tell him.

"Not in your life," he responds.

"My route just happens to pass by Clare's apartment where Alli is…" I trail off.

Dave jumps off the couch. "Give me five minutes," he yells back at me as he goes to the bathroom.

About half an hour later, Dave and I finish our run at Clare's apartment. I walk up and knock on the door.

I smirk at the shocked face that answers the door.

"What are you doing here?" she asks me as she looks Dave and I over. _Well, shit. I didn't think about how unattractively sweaty running can make a person_.

"Hi Eli, how are you? Fine Clare. Thanks for asking." I respond sarcastically.

She crosses her arms. "Hi."

I smirk at her. "I happen to be missing a shirt." I inform her. "I've been searching for it. You haven't seen it by any chance, have you?" I ask her.

She giggles before opening the doorway for us to come inside. "I think I have what you're looking for."

_Oh how right you are, Clare._

"But you're not getting it back until I get my dance," she continues.

I nod at her. "Fair enough."

"Dance?" Dave asks from behind me.

"I asked Clare to join us at Guest Day," I tell him.

"Good morning everyone!" Alli's ever cheerful voice sounds through the apartment.

She walks over to Dave to embrace him, but stops in her tracks at his appearance. "Why are you panting?"

"I dragged him on a run with me," I respond to her question.

She scrunches up her nose. "Clare, kick them out before your apartment begins to smell," she jokes.

"You wouldn't do that to me, would you?" I ask her in a childlike voice.

She bites her lip as a smile makes its way across her face. "I would."

I gasp at her. "Ouch!" I respond sarcastically. "Dave, let's go. We're not welcome here."

"Eli, it's about time you learn how to deal with women." Dave responds before running over and wrapping his arms around Alli.

"Ew! Dave you are so gross! Get off me!" She shrieks as he continues to hold her.

Clare and I laugh at their interaction as Dave takes her further into the apartment. I turn to Clare.

"Feeling any better?" I ask as I make a mental note to thank Dave later for giving me some alone time with Clare.

She nods her head. "I wrote the letter as soon as I woke up. You were right. It felt nice to just let it all out."

"I'm glad," I tell her.

Our conversation pauses as she just stares back at me.

I will never tire of her eyes. They beckon me, just like the rest of Clare.

Her expression shifts to one of worry as she reaches up and brushes her thumb against my bottom lip. "What happened?" She asks in a soft voice.

I curse inwardly. I thought it wasn't noticeable. I take a step back from her. "Nothing," I respond.

She sighs. "Eli, I thought we were past this. You can tell me."

I look out the doorway; the outside air suddenly seeming much more appealing than it did just seconds ago. "I actually have a bit of my run left. I want to get done before I have to head to the hospital."

"You have an appointment today?"

I nod silently in response before turning to walk out.

"Eli, wait." She says as she takes a few steps towards me. I look over at her and she glances down shyly. "W-Will I see you later?"

I purse my lips as I take in a deep breath. "I'll see you tomorrow," I say in a rush before running out the door and into the fresh air.

Never have I felt uncomfortable in Clare's presence as I did just then.

Because she asked about my cut lip.

And my only answer would be that I bit down on it so hard that it cut open.

Holding Julia in my arms and kissing her before a round of bullets attack her body has the capability of making that happen.

I didn't want to fall asleep last night. But my body was so tired, I had no choice. And out of all the nightmares I've had, this one hurt the most.

Because this was the first time I communicated with Julia. I felt her arms, her lips. It felt so real. And to wake up after literally having her blood on my hands…It was the worse feeling I've ever experienced.

Even worse than the pain of the bullets when I got hit.

I block out my thoughts as I speed up my pace and feel my mind and body become numb from the physical exertion.

Later that day, I find myself sitting on the couch back at my place.

_Who knew alcohol could be so rewarding?_

I bring the bottle back up to my lips and down the remaining liquid before resting it next to the other bottles on the table.

I stand up and grab onto the couch to regain my balance. I blink my eyes as the dizziness rushes over my senses. As I make my way to the kitchen, I find myself swerving slightly. I hear myself laugh.

Opening the fridge door, I squint my eyes as I search for the remaining bottles. _Fuck. Only two more left_. I grab at them and walk back to the couch. I flop down onto the cushions and pop open another beer.

I hadn't planned on drinking so much, but rehashing the night your ex-girlfriend died tends to weigh down on you. Talking about the fight before she took off on her bike and the dread that seeped into my veins at the phone call from her parents just about felt like I was burning in hell. And last time I recall, alcohol numbs in the best way.

I smile to myself before taking another sip of my drink.

I haven't talked to anyone all day. Not Dave. Not my parents. Not Adam.

Not Clare.

After my run, I went over to the hospital and the doctor thought it would be a good idea to discuss Julia seeing as how she keeps coming in my nightmares.

_Good one, Doc. _

After about twenty minutes, I couldn't take it anymore and she let me go early. My anxiety was piling up and I needed an immediate relief.

And that's why I'm sitting on my couch downing my…I look at the bottles on the table and I squint my eyes trying to count them all. I'm assuming I'm on my tenth bottle, but I can't see anything clearly at the moment. Coupled with the shots I took as soon as I got home, I feel _good_.

A knock sounds at the door.

"Oh," I hear myself sound out before I trip over to the door.

I open it and a blurry image comes into my senses.

"Eli?" A soft voice calls out to me.

I blink a few times. "Clare?"

"Yeah," she walks closer to me. She coughs as I'm assuming I reek of alcohol. "You're drunk." She states.

I laugh humorously. "A little bit."

"More like a lot," she corrects me.

Another figure walks in through the door. "Eli, what the hell?"

_Dave._

I feel my mind leaving the current conversation as Dave and Clare continue to talk.

"How much has he had to drink?" She asks aloud.

"I'll get him to his room," Dave responds as I feel his arm around my shoulder. "Come on, tough guy."

I chuckle. "Sleep sounds good."

"I'm sure it does," Alli's voice sounds into my senses as the blackness comes over me.

I feel a cold pressure against my forehead. It moves to my cheeks before it rests on my forehead again. I scrunch up my face before fluttering my eyes open.

_Why the fuck is it so bright in here?_

"Someone turn off the light," I mutter as I close my eyes again.

A few moments later, I hear the blinds of the window being drawn. I hesitatingly open my eyes. _Much better_.

"How are you feeling?" Clare asks as she takes a seat on the side of the bed.

She reaches over and moves the cold cloth over my face some more. "That feels nice," I tell her as the pounding in my head decreases at the coolness of the pressure.

She sighs as she continues. "Why were you drinking?"

I purse my lips as I remain silent.

"Eli, I want to know why I'm spending my day in your room taking care of you after you drowned your sorrows in alcohol," she states bluntly.

"No need to beat around the bush, Clare." I chuckle.

She stops her movement as she takes the cloth over to the bathroom where I'm assuming she is wetting it again. When she returns, the fresh cold on my face feels simply amazing.

"You owe me an explanation," she informs me.

I take in a deep breath. I hate how disappointed she sounds. I surprise myself by wanting to explain and open up to her about _everything_. From day one, Clare has believed in me while I haven't. I don't want to lose that. "I had the worst nightmare last night."

She rests the moist material atop my forehead before brushing her fingertips against my cut lip.

"I bit my lip as it was happening," I explain to her. "I cut through the skin."

"That bad?" She asks me in a soft whisper.

I nod my head.

"That doesn't mean you drink, Eli." She says in a harsh voice. "Don't fall into what is expected of you. I know the rates of alcohol dependence are high among those with PTSD, but you have so many people supporting you. You don't need it," she tells me as she shakes her head. "I could have been here to help you," she says in a soft voice.

Feeling like complete crap, I bring my hand over and grab hers knowing full well that the contact will calm Clare down a bit.

"This is what I meant when I said I didn't want to take you down this road," I tell her gently. "I don't know what the hell is going on with me. I don't know how to deal with it."

She gives my hand a squeeze. "I'm still mad at you," she says with a smile.

I nod my head. "I deserve that. I didn't mean to run out like that this morning."

"I've been worried all day. We all have," she remarks. "Dave and Alli are in the living room."

I look away from her ashamed at my actions. "Shit, I'm sorry. I can't seem to do anything right."

A few moments pass by before she laces her fingers between mine.

She glances up at me. "This is right," she says as her gaze wanders to our hands.

I spare a look at our joined hands, but my eyes return to her face.

And I realize I could get used to the image of Clare on my bed holding my hand.

**And that concludes chapter 14! I hope all of you liked it! I just want to thank you all again for staying with the story. I know the build up is long, but it has to be. I hope you all see that too. But I do believe that what we're waiting for is just around the corner. ;) So review and tell me your thoughts! I will update as soon as I can! Thanks again for all the motivation. You guys rock! Love you my dears! **


	15. Chapter 15

**Hi there you beautiful, wonderful readers! Wow, you guys never cease to amaze me with your generous response and reviews to this story. A special thanks to all you reviewers! Honestly, you guys are the best and words cannot describe how much each and every review you write means to me. I am so so so happy and glad that you all are loving Love is Revival! Sorry this update took a little while, but the chapter is long and I wanted it to be perfect! This one is very important. ;) Have I sparked your interest yet? I'll let you get on with reading. I love you all and thanks again! Enjoy! :)**

I sigh while I take off my shirt and throw it onto the ever growing pile on my bed. My eyes land on the healing wound on my arm. It's been a while since the bullets first penetrated my skin and I owe a thank you to modern medicine for making my arm as good as new. There is still some bruising, but I've been able to work out and move it with ease. Although my shoulders ache everyday from having to carry the weight of my pack around, even when I'm on runs. I sigh to myself as I realize my anxiety isn't getting any better.

Dave on the other hand felt enormous pain after our run. Turns out his wounds hadn't healed as fast as mine and the physical exertion wasn't the best idea. I felt terrible for dragging him out with me, but a few prescribed pain killers and some rest has made him his same old self. Or well, as good as someone with wounds as tough as his can be.

I hear chuckling from next to me. I glance to the doorway of my bedroom.

"What?" I ask Dave.

He nods towards my pile of clothes. "Nothing to wear?"

I groan. "Nothing seems to look good."

"Bro, nothing _ever_ looked good on you. You're just starting to realize it." He laughs as he teases me.

I glare at him before shaking my head and bringing my attention back to my closet. "Is that what you're wearing?" I ask in reference to his dark washed jeans and navy blue button up dress shirt.

"Alli picked it out. I guess she's wearing a matching colored dress," Dave replies.

I freeze and turn to him. "Shit, am I supposed to match Clare?" I walk over to the pile I've made over the past hour and rummage through it. "Fuck," I mutter. "I didn't even think of that."

"Eli, calm down. It's not a big deal," Dave says. "Why are you freaking out?"

I stop my movements and look up at him. "I just want everything to be perfect. Clare deserves that." I hold up one of my dark grey dress shirts. "I really like her Dave. When I'm around her, all I can think about is getting her to kiss me," I mumble the last part.

"Took you long enough," Dave states in a matter of fact tone. "I swear I'd have to gauge my eyes out if I had to hear more "Eli needs to make a move" talk from Alli."

"What are you talking about?" I ask him.

"Man, it's been a few weeks now. You've been going snail pace."

I purse my lips together."I just haven't been ready."

"And you are now?"

I breathe heavily before taking a seat on my bed. "No," I shake my head. "I'm a mess. I don't sleep so I walk around like a fucking zombie. I can't go anywhere without that stupid backpack. Julia shows up in my nightmares all the time." I run a hand over my face. "But I can't push Clare away anymore. She's too damn important now."

Dave takes a seat next to me and places his hand on my shoulder. "If you want Clare, go get her. This is about you and her. It's not about the crap we saw in Iraq. It's not about Julia. It's not about what anyone else wants. What do you want?"

I turn to him. "Isn't it obvious?"

"See I would think so, but you still haven't said it."

I look at my reflection in the mirrored door of the closet. I picture Clare sitting next to me with a smile on her face and her bright blue eyes gazing into my green ones. The image seems complete with her. "I want Clare," I tell Dave.

He stands up and rubs his hands together. "Well then, let's get you dressed and let's go get her."

I chuckle before turning to the pile of clothing. "Thanks," I say out loud.

"I'll always watch your back bro," Dave tells me before reaching over and drawing my hand to his for our handshake.

"Like it's my own," I complete. "So what should I wear?"

"Lucky for you, I've caught a glimpse of Clare's dress already."

I turn to him with widened eyes. "And you've been keeping this from me because?"

"It's fun to watch you squirm," Dave replies nonchalantly with a shrug of his shoulders.

I scoff and shove him playfully with a shake of my head.

He laughs before grabbing a black dress shirt and a green tie from the pile. He hands the attire to me.

"Green?" I ask him slightly intrigued.

He nods his head with a knowing look. "Just try to make sure your jaw doesn't drop to the floor, alright?"

"Kind of hard to do," I confess.

Dave laughs aloud. "I'm just glad I have shit on you now. It's about time you've had a taste of your own medicine."

I smirk to myself as I remember all the times I teased him about how much of a softie he is with Alli. I guess I turned into a sap myself.

Fifteen minutes later, I walk out of my bedroom while tightening my tie. I opted for my black jeans and some black dress shoes that I rarely ever wear. I'm much more dressed up than I'm comfortable with. _Clare better appreciate this_.

"How do I look?" I ask Dave.

He looks me over. "Horrible," he replies with a smirk. I glare at him. "Well what do you want me to say? 'Eli, if I was Clare, I'd do you?'"

"Gross." I reply to his comment before grabbing a bouquet of flowers from the kitchen that I bought earlier that day.

"What the hell man?" Dave asks. "Why didn't you tell me we were doing flowers? Alli is going to be pissed."

I chuckle. "Not my fault you're not sentimental or thoughtful," I state in an Alli-like voice.

He stares at me. "Shit, she's going to say that isn't she?"

I grab my jacket and wrap the damned pack around my shoulders before ushering him towards the door. "Come on. Wouldn't want to be late."

Together, we walk down the block to Clare's apartment and we arrive a few minutes earlier than planned. "Think they're ready?" I ask Dave.

"Knowing Alli and her need for perfection with makeup, I'd say no."

"How badly do you think she's torturing Clare right now?"

We come to a stop in front of the apartment door as he nods his head. "Worse than if you or I were caught by some bastards back in Iraq."

"That bad?" I ask him.

"Well, maybe I'm exaggerating a little."

I chuckle before knocking on the door. A few moments later, I hear the clinking of heels before the door opens to reveal Alli in a short and tight long-sleeved navy blue dress. I sneak a glance at Dave's face and it says it all. I won't lie; Alli looks good.

"Damn, baby." Dave tells her as she spins to give him a full view.

"You like?" Alli asks him.

He nods his head. "I love. You look beautiful as always."

I roll my eyes as he walks in and connects his lips with hers. I turn to the side to give them a moment.

"Clare will be ready in just a second," Alli tells me with a smile once she and Dave pull away.

I nod my head before Alli grabs Dave's arm and takes him further into the residence. I walk in hesitantly and close the door before dropping my pack off my shoulders.

I chuckle when I hear Alli's voice sound from the kitchen at the back of the apartment.

"Where are my flowers? How come Eli is sentimental and thoughtful enough to bring Clare flowers and they're not even officially dating?"

I hear a sound from the top of the steps taking me away from the interaction between Dave and Alli. I turn just in time to see Clare come into my sight at the top of the stairway.

It feels difficult to breathe. So this is what all those cheesy songs and movies refer to when they say that the sight of someone literally takes your breath away.

She looks absolutely stunning. I've always thought Clare was gorgeous, but seeing her like this is a whole other story.

She walks down the steps with her eyes looking down at her tall silver heels that I'm sure Alli forced her into. She still hasn't registered my presence which I'm grateful for. It gives me a moment to admire her effortless beauty.

The dark green knee-length dress wraps tightly around the top of her body, but flows out from the waist down. The satin halter straps around her neck are tied in a bow that seems as innocent and delicate as Clare herself.

And then she finally looks up and her eyes find mine.

I continue to gaze at her while just trying to talk myself out of grabbing her and taking her back up the stairs to her room. _It's a pretty dress. It'll be a shame to tear it apart._

"What? What's wrong?" Clare's worried voice sounds out to me. She runs her hands down her dress trying to smooth nonexistent wrinkles. She fidgets for a few more moments as I get my shit together. "Do I look okay? Is it too much? I told Alli not to –"

"You're mesmerizing," I hear the words come out of my mouth before I realize exactly what I'm saying. I reach out for her hand and help her down the last couple of steps. I smirk at her bright red cheeks when she comes to a stop in front of me.

"Really?" She asks in a whisper.

I nod my head. "You look stunning," I state for emphasis.

She smiles up at me. "Thank you. Are those for me?" She gestures to my flowers.

"Oh, I forgot." I smile shyly before handing the bouquet of purple and blue tulips to her.

"These are lovely," she tells me as she fingers one of the petals.

"You could say I was inspired," I respond with a smirk and a lift of my eyebrows.

I didn't think it was possible, but her cheeks redden just a shade brighter.

"How did you know tulips were my favorite?" she asks as I follow her into the kitchen.

"You can thank Alli for that," I inform her as we come in sight of Alli and Dave's connected lips. _Guess she wasn't that upset about the flowers._

Clare smiles before reaching over and giving my hand a squeeze. The familiar warmth makes its way through my body.

She clears her throat as Alli and Dave reluctantly move apart. "I need that vase," she points to a vase on the kitchen counter behind them. She fills it up with water as we all engage in small talk.

Just a couple of minutes later, we make our way out the door. I wait as Clare places the vase now full of flowers onto the table by the door where all the notorious picture frames make home. She smiles at me before we walk out the door and catch up with Alli and Dave. I'll admit I'm walking pretty far away from her. What can I say? I'm nervous.

"I like your tie," she remarks as she warps her fingers around it and pulls me closer to her. _Damn, that was sexy._

I chuckle as I glance down at it while she releases it. "And you can thank Dave for that one."

She shakes her head humorously before grabbing my hand in hers. The subtle and natural movement has become familiar to me. I no longer tense at her contact. It seems complete when I'm holding her hand and incomplete when I'm not. It's hard to explain, but in the short time I've come to know Clare, she has made her presence necessary.

I don't just want Clare. I need Clare.

"So what exactly should I expect?" She asks me.

"Well, earlier they probably had a bunch of games and things like that. That's mostly for families. The dinner we're going to is a lot fancier. It's more for…" I trail off as I realize the word that was about to come out of my mouth. _Couples._

She giggles. "I'm excited."

"It's not that great," I tell her with a chuckle. "Wouldn't want you to be disappointed."

"I disagree. I'm with good company," she gestures to me and the couple walking in front of us. "That sounds like a great time to me."

And the enormous urge I have to just stop walking and kiss her out of complete disbelief at who she is overwhelms me. I settle for squeezing her hand instead. _Much less satisfying_.

When we arrive at the outdoor makeshift dining area set up by all the volunteers, I realize they did a pretty nice job with it. Multiple strings of lights shine down on the tables and small dance floor. The musicians are beginning to warm up and tune their instruments on the stage.

"This is pretty," Clare remarks.

I smirk at her before leading her over to the table Alli and Dave decided to sit at. I pull out her chair for her and she gives me a thankful smile in response. I take a seat next to her after taking off my pack and putting it under the table. _Out of sight, out of mind_.

"Clare looks amazing tonight, doesn't she Eli?" My head snaps up towards Alli's voice.

"Alli!" Clare exclaims.

"What?" She asks in a confused tone.

I laugh. "She does," I respond in agreement before shifting my gaze back to admire Clare.

"I know. I'm a magician with makeup," Alli giggles before turning her attention back to Dave.

Clare shakes her head. "I'm sorry about that."

I bring my head down and whisper in a voice only she can hear. "You do look amazing, Clare. But it's not because of the makeup."

I smirk smugly as a shiver runs through her body and her cheeks brighten. "You don't look too bad yourself." She gestures to my matching tie.

"I rarely wear things like this so you should appreciate it." I tease her.

"I feel special," she responds with a giggle.

"You should." I laugh before another couple comes and joins us.

"Would you mind if we sat here?" The young man speaks up to us.

"Not at all," Dave responds on our behalf.

He gives us a thankful grin before pulling the chair out for his date.

"I'm Austen by the way," he states before shaking hands with Dave.

"I'm Dave. And this is Eli."

I nod my head towards him and shake his hand.

"Nice to meet you. And this is my girlfriend Jenna."

She smiles shyly at us and I can tell she's not too comfortable with a group of strangers. Julia was the same way.

Clare seems to pick up on it as well. "Well then we're already predisposed to like you. You share names with a close friend of ours." Clare stands up and reaches over to her to shake her hand. "I'm Clare and that's my best friend, Alli."

Jenna eagerly shakes Clare's hand as she warms up to us a little. That's the gift of Clare's warmth. You can't help but be comfortable around her.

After the initial small talk, all three couples go back to their own conversations.

"How have you been?" Clare's soft voice sounds out to me.

I shrug one shoulder. "More of the same."

I hear her sigh. "But you haven't…?" She trails off and it takes a moment to understand what she is referring to.

I shake my head. "I haven't touch alcohol if that's what you're asking."

She gives me an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. I just want to be sure you're staying healthy."

I ignore her as her reminder of my illness takes my mind away from the enjoyment of the evening.

I feel her set her hand on my thigh. "I'm intruding and I'm being nosy. I'm sorry. I'm the worst date," she laughs out embarrassedly.

I snap my head over to her in confusion. "Clare, at least five guys with wandering eyes have been watching you. I'm pretty sure there are worse dates to have than you," I smirk at her in reply. And it's true. Clare has turned some heads since our arrival and I can't help but be smug that she chose to be here with _me_.

"I highly doubt that," she responds looking down at the table in front of her.

I glance around and glare when I find one of said guys. "Red tie to your right," I tell her and she looks up at me curiously before hesitantly turning to look at him.

She furrows her brows in thought before turning back to me. "He seems very familiar."

I immediately stiffen and sit up straighter. A foreign feeling begins to rise up in me. It seems to start in the confines of my chest and slowly disperses throughout my body; firing up at the nerves it comes in contact with. _Jealousy._

She shrugs her shoulders before turning her attention back to me. "Doesn't matter. I'm here with you."

As soon as she says it, my jealousy is replaced with pure happiness at her statement. I bring my hand over to hold hers on my thigh. "And I do owe you a dance, don't I?"

Clare giggles. "If you want your shirt back."

I smirk in preparation for Clare's shy blush to make its presence known once again. "You can keep it. It looked much better on you anyway."

I have to suppress myself from laughing out loud at her innocent response.

"Does that mean I don't get a dance?" She asks as she pouts exaggeratedly. _Damn it, Clare. You don't know how badly I want to kiss you when you do that_.

I nod my head in confirmation and I watch as her shoulders slump.

I chuckle to myself before leaning towards her again. "It means you get two," I whisper into her ear.

She turns her head to the side and glances up at me from behind her eyelashes. We're so close I can feel her breathing fan my face. I could kiss her. Right here, right now. It would take the slightest bending of my head and I'd claim her lips as my own.

She seems to have the same thought as her fingers intertwine with mine and she brings her face slightly more forward.

I could kiss her.

I shouldn't kiss her.

I don't kiss her.

I feel myself pull away slightly as I drop Clare's hand from mine. She immediately retracts it in embarrassment and returns it to her lap.

_Well, shit._ I was so close. So damn close to just sealing the deal. And I couldn't do it. This would mean the first time I've kissed someone, like really kissed a girl because I wanted to be with her, since Julia. I can't bring myself to do it. It's very strange.

It feels like my body is split in half.

One half is controlled by Clare.

The other half is controlled by all the memories of Julia and war. The haunting images and flashbacks that keep me away from sleep and rest.

And I feel like the two halves are pulling at me in separate directions. I feel myself being stretched thin. I would just have to tug myself towards one side and it would be over.

A tug towards the past would mean pulling myself out of and away from the hole instead of falling to Clare. I would be stranded in the abyss somewhere. Lost. Confused. And alone.

But a tug towards Clare. That would mean letting go of my restraints, my defenses, and my walls. They'd all come crashing down and I'd just freefall into Clare's waiting embrace. I wouldn't be alone. I'd have a warmth with me.

Even though it is plain as day which option would make more sense for me, I can't bring myself to make a decision.

Instead, I turn my attention towards the band that is beginning its first song. A few couples, including Austen and Jenna, have made their way towards the dance floor as they sway softly to the music. I feel a smile creep onto my face as I watch Austen play with Jenna's headband. Such an innocent, intimate gesture. Something I wish I was capable of, but I'm too fucked up. I can't be that delicate with Clare. I'm not a good person. It's like lying to myself. I can give Clare what she wants, but it might not be _me_ giving it to her.

I sigh and shake my head to myself. Screw my conscience for grasping at each and every opportunity to talk me out of pursuing things with Clare.

"I'll be right back," Clare's whispers to me. I look over at her as she bites her lip insecurely.

_Crap, can I get anything right?_

I nod my head once in response. She gets up and begins walking towards the restrooms in a nearby building. Once she is out of sight, I look away from her and back over at the couples on the dance floor.

In a sick and twisted way, I'm trying to protect Clare. I hurt Julia in the end. Who says I won't hurt Clare?

A few minutes later, I hear a voice speaking behind me.

"We have got to stop meeting like this," a man's voice states with a laugh.

And then I hear her. She giggles. "I'm so sorry. I was lost in my thoughts and wasn't paying attention."

"There must be a lot going on in that pretty little head of yours."

I fist my hands together at his evident flirting. A part of me just wants to stand up and punch him square in the jaw. But Clare isn't mine. I don't have a right to do that.

_But damn it, I have a right to be jealous._

"Kind of," she responds and I watch as she pulls out her chair and takes her seat next to me. Mystery man comes in sight as he grabs a chair from a neighboring table and sets it next to Clare. Well if it isn't red tie guy from earlier.

"I'm Mark Fitzgerald, but they call me Fitz."

_Who the fuck is 'they'? This ass is trying way too hard. _

I shoot him a glare, but he isn't paying me any attention. His eyes stay on Clare.

"Nice to officially meet you. I'm Clare."

"Nice name," he smirks at her.

_Oh hell no. Someone tell this idiot only I get to smirk at Clare_.

Damn, I need to calm down.

"And this is Eli," she speaks up as she looks over at me for the first time since returning from the washroom.

I nod my head at him reluctantly and he does the same to me. We're obviously very fond of each other.

"How long have you been in the service?" Clare asks.

"Three years," he responds proudly.

"Wow," Clare remarks in interest. _It's not that_ _impressive_. "You must have seen so much."

"Yeah, well…" He trails off while shrugging his shoulders. "I think war separates the men from the boys. You can either handle it or you can't."

I look down at my lap as my mind wanders to the ever present backpack hidden under the table.

"Excuse me?" Clare's voice sounds through my self-deprecating thoughts.

"I've seen a lot of shit in my time, but I'm not weak enough to let it bother me. Some guys come in thinking they're tough enough to do the job, but they claim to get all messed up in the head when they get back."

I watch as Clare's hand enters my field of vision and rests on my thigh.

"Let me see if I get this straight. So what you're saying Mark –"

"Fitz," he reminds her.

Clare pauses for a moment. "Mark," she continues. "You're saying that PTSD isn't real?"

"All I'm saying is that real men are tough enough to handle it. Fighting is a part of our nature. You're either strong enough to deal with it or you're not."

Clare rubs her thumb across my thigh. "I pray that you get a chance to visit the hospital here on base. I'm sure what you'll see will change your mind." She turns over to me. "Eli, will you get me a drink please? Iced tea sounds really great right about now."

I nod my head absentmindedly as I get up in a daze.

_Not strong enough._

_Not tough enough._

_Not a real man._

_Weak._

I walk over to the makeshift bar set up at the end of a group of tables. I ask the bartender to prepare Clare's drink for me.

"It took all my restraint not to pound on that jerk's face," Dave says from next to me.

I shrug my shoulders lamely in response.

"Eli, he has no idea what he's talking about."

I shake my head. "He's right."

"Man, are you seriously going to stand here and let that ass bad mouth guys like you and sweet talk Clare?"

I look up at Dave. "She's not falling for it. She's smarter than that."

"Doesn't mean he won't keep trying. He's still at it even after she told him off."

We both turn our attention back to the table where Mark is continuing to pay attention to Clare. I feel myself literally start _seething_ when he tucks a stray curl behind her ear. Clare immediately turns her head away from him.

"Fucker," I mumble under my breath. _Deep breaths, Eli. Deep breaths._

"If I were you, I'd let that guy know she came here with someone and she sure as hell isn't leaving with him."

I nod my head silently as I grab the drink and walk back over to the table with Dave on my heels. I set the drink in front of Clare and she turns over and offers me a smile in thanks.

I take a seat and sending a glare Mark's way, I wrap my arm around Clare's shoulders possessively. I'm sure he's getting my message loud and clear.

_Fuck off. She's taken._

I can't find it in myself to fight the battle waging in my mind at my thoughts. All I can think is to let this guy know that he can't just swoop in and think Clare will fall for his act. She's not just some girl he can have to use for a night before tossing her away. She's not that kind of girl.

_She's my kind of girl_.

Clare immediately tenses beneath my arm. I brush my fingers against her shoulder in reassurance and I feel a smirk make its way onto my face when she finally lifts her hands and interlaces our fingers together.

Mark's gaze goes from me to Clare to our hands and back to me again. I lift my eyebrows at him smugly.

"I think that's your cue to go," Dave tells him.

With one last parting glare, he stands up, returns the chair to its original table, and walks over to the bar.

"Can't say I'm sad to see him leave," Alli says.

I look over at Dave with a thankful expression. I lift up my hand and he bumps his fist with mine.

Clare looks up at me. "I'm sorry. I don't even know him. I didn't know he would –"

"It's not your fault," I cut off her rambling.

She looks down before releasing my hand. As she turns her body towards mine, my arm slips from her shoulders.

"I know you've been mulling over his words. Don't listen to anything he said."

"You know me too well," I mutter under my breath refusing to directly answer her.

"Eli, please don't tell me you actually believe him. He's probably dealing with something, but is too much of a coward to stop being in denial about it. So he attacks those who are strong enough to be open with their emotions."

I look over at her. "You don't have to say that."

"I don't say things I don't mean." She pauses. "Now I believe a dance is in order…?" She trails off questioningly.

I purse my lips still reeling with the labels Mark's words branded me with. I glance at her in my peripheral vision.

_She's so damn beautiful_.

Her kind smile engraves itself deeper into my memory as I nod my head at her.

I stand up and offer my hand before leading her over to the dance floor. We take a spot next to Austin and Jenna who both smile at us before returning to their own conversation.

I reach over and grab Clare's waist with my right hand as I clasp her soft hand gently in my other large, rough one. Her left hand comes up to rest on my shoulder. I pull her close to me and rest my cheek against the top of her head. I feel her softly bring her chin atop my shoulder near my neck. Much like the other day in my kitchen where I hid from all my demons in her embrace; I escape the negative thoughts swimming around in my mind and trying to lay anchor in my memory by hiding in her warmth.

I inhale her scent while closing my eyes as we move to the soft music.

I've been lying to myself and I've been lying to Clare.

I keep trying to act like my feelings for her are completely platonic, but she and I both know they're not. She's been nothing but patient as I try and figure out how to balance my guilty, undeserving thoughts with my powerful feelings for her.

And that's exactly what they are.

What I feel for her is so strong. I've never experienced anything like it. It's strong enough to make me want to be happy. It's strong enough to make me want to move on from all the haunting memories. It's strong enough to make me believe I might not be as horrible a person as I think I am.

Clare deserves so much better than me.

And I can't give her much.

But I still want her. I want her so damn bad. And I cannot fathom exactly why she chose me. I don't get what she sees in me.

"_She saw the good in him even if he couldn't see it himself."_

Clare's words about _Beauty and the Beast_ echo in my mind.

I pull away slightly as I look down at her.

"Are you okay?" She asks me in a soft, vulnerable voice.

I nod my head. "I wasn't before. What he said really got to me. And I still think he's right, but it doesn't seem important anymore."

She smiles softly before pulling me closer to her again. I wrap my arm around her more as I bring her body flush against mine.

I nod my head at Dave as he and Alli join us on the dance floor.

One thing I love the most about being around Clare is she seems to understand what I'm thinking without me saying it. Just a glance at me and we have this ability to communicate silently with each other. She knows when I'm upset. She knows when I want to be left alone. And she also knows when I want her to stay even if I am pushing her away.

I don't deserve this kind of connection with anyone, let alone someone as wonderful as Clare. I'm slowly beginning to realize that even if I don't deserve it, I can still have it.

The choice is entirely up to me. Clare has already given her wordless consent.

For the next few hours, the four of us fill our time eating, drinking, and dancing. Clare managed to squeeze not one, not two, but _four_ dances out of me. A large feat if I may say so myself.

"So Alli and I booked a hotel room tonight."

I look over at Dave while Alli and Clare are in the washroom.

"Have fun," I laugh.

"Man, I did this for you. We didn't want to intrude if you and Clare wanted some alone time."

I look at him doubtfully. "And you having sex with your girlfriend has absolutely nothing to do with it?"

Dave glances up as if thinking about it. He nods his head multiple times. "Alright, alright. It has a lot to do with that."

I chuckle at his humorous behavior as Clare and Alli return. "I'll see you in the morning then?"

He nods his head before we complete our handshake. Clare and Alli embrace goodbye before Dave takes Alli's hand and walks away.

I watch as Clare tries to suppress a yawn. "Ready to call it a night?" I ask her.

She nods reluctantly while I shrug off my jacket.

I chuckle before grabbing my pack from beneath the table and wrapping it around my shoulders. "I thought you were plenty rebellious?" I ask her.

"Oh I am," she counters.

I raise an eyebrow at her before holding my jacket up to her. She smiles at me as she turns around and gently weaves her arms through the sleeves.

I will _never_ tire of seeing Clare in my clothes. It's so damn attractive.

"Thank you," she says.

"No problem," I respond as I offer her my arm.

She eagerly grabs it with her hand while we walk close together to her apartment.

"Did you have fun?" I ask her.

"I did. Thank you for inviting me. Did you enjoy yourself?"

"I had an unbelievably beautiful dance partner. I'd call it a successful night," I smirk at her.

She giggles before hiding her face in my arm. I chuckle as I continue walking.

When we reach her doorstep, Clare releases her hold on my arm and unlocks the door. Before opening it, she turns to me.

We stare at each other for a few moments until she finally speaks up. "Would you like to come inside?"

I don't know what comes over me, but I freeze.

"Or not…" She trails off as I continue to lamely look at her.

She purses her lips together as she crosses her arms. "So that's it?" She asks.

"What do you mean?" I hear myself asking her.

I feel like I'm watching the scene unfold from somewhere nearby. The part of me watching our conversation is yelling at me to just be a man and tell her. The part of me actually speaking with Clare doesn't feel like a real man. He's weak. He's the reason his ex is dead. He's the reason so many are dead.

Clare huffs out. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to hold my hand and get jealous when someone talks to me, but then just leave like this."

I watch as I turn away from her scrutinizing gaze.

"It's happening," she remarks. "There's something between us Eli and you know it."

"You're wrong," I snap at her. _What the hell are you doing, Eli?_

Clare scoffs from her place across from me. "I'm not stupid. Look, I know you're struggling with things, but –"

"You don't know the half of it." My voice sounds harsh to my ears.

I watch in helplessness as Clare takes a step back from me.

"But if you would just let me in –"

"You act like it's so damn easy to do that."

"I know it isn't, Eli. Believe me. I know."

I watch as I take a few steps back from her after a few moments of silence. "I'm sorry I led you on."

I feel half of me crumble at my words knowing full well I just directly hurt her. Something I vowed to at least try to avoid, I just purposely did.

Clare takes in a quick gasp of air. "You don't mean that."

"I do," I say roughly.

I watch in disbelief at the scene unfolding in front of my eyes. I watch as Clare's eye begin to water from frustration and pain. I watch as my body remains cold and emotionless; my familiar mask in place.

Clare swallows before looking up at me. "Damn it, Eli!"

I feel both parts of flinch at her uncharacteristically loud and angry tone.

"You're the one who told me there were different kinds of pain. So yes, I've never seen someone physically die. But I've seen my sister fade away right before my eyes after getting raped. I've dealt with my dad walking out on my family. I stood and watched as two people I trusted betrayed me. And…" Her bottom lip begins to quiver. "I told you, Eli. I was _weak_. I let myself be alone with a man who attacked me. He took away my feeling of purity, my dignity. He stole it all and left me with guilt and shame."

I watch in frustration as the physical part of me in front of Clare just remains a cold statue. I want to run over, pull her to me, and calm her down. I've become so protective over Clare. Seeing her in pain like this is wrong.

"But I refuse. I _refuse_ to be weak anymore." I hear her continue. "I choose to fight and stand up for myself. I won't let you lie to me like this. I c-can't be the only one feeling this."

Half of me walks over to the scene and tries to shake my frozen body awake.

I've been dark and dead for so long.

Clare Edwards is igniting life in me again.

_Fucking wake up, Eli._

Clare shakes her head in disbelief in front of me.

"Wow," she remarks as she turns and opens the door.

_Wake up!_ My thoughts scream and plead with me.

I feel my two parts become one as one half takes control. One of my two parts is stronger. One of my two parts overcomes the other.

_A gust of wind attacks my defensive walls. _

I run over to the closing door.

_Wall after wall shatters and crumbles. _

I rush into her apartment.

_I'm left at the top of the hole with weary arms growing tired of holding me up. _

I drop my bag as soon as I see her.

She stares at me with wide, moist eyes.

I grab her arm.

And in one smooth motion, I kick the door closed with my leg and turning her around, I push her up against the door.

_I let go and fall. _

With one last look in her eyes, I slam my lips hungrily and desperately onto hers.

**Oh my goodness! Don't hate me for leaving it there. There are a LOT of reasons why I want the kiss to be in Clare's point of view. All of which you will see in the next chapter. So please let me know your thoughts and how you felt with the actions of this chapter. Isn't jealous Eli attractive? I think so! haha Thanks so much for reading! :) I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU GUYS! Bye! :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello! You guys are the absolute best readers I could ever ask for! Honestly, I am still in amazement at how kind and motivating you all are. You guys are too sweet for words! I appreciate everything you guys tell me and I look forward to hearing from you all. So thank you again for keeping with the story and being the best inspiration to keep on writing it! :) So this chapter is short, and my apologies for that, but it ends where it needs to. So please do enjoy! :)**

I feel as if I'm on fire.

A scorching heat bursts into flames under my skin as his lips desperately collide with mine.

I freeze for just a moment in shock before eagerly grasping his cheeks in my palms. I bring his lips closer to mine. He grasps my waist and pushes me more against the closed door before pressing his body completely against mine.

I gasp at the contact.

Eli takes this opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth and I tangle my fingers in his hair as I let out a soft moan at his caresses.

I allow him to dominate our kiss while my body fails to support me. As Eli rubs his hands up and down my sides, I feel the embers ignite under his touch.

I feel like I'm _burning_.

And I can't get enough of it.

Eli brings his hands down under my thighs and lifts me up. I gasp softly into his mouth as he wraps my legs around his waist. I hold onto him tightly, fearing that any second he'll disappear.

I can feel every cell in my body combust into flames as a heat I'm unfamiliar with begins to build and build under my skin.

Eli grabs at his jacket and shimmies it down my arms as I hold myself to him with my legs.

It's as if he knows I'm burning.

It's as if he knows I could melt any moment.

It's as if his body is reacting the same way as mine.

After Eli discards his jacket to the side, he pushes me harder against the door. I wrap my arms further around his neck; trying everything in my power to bring our bursting flames together.

Two separate flames that when morphed together cannot be extinguished.

I lift my lips from his as I raggedly breathe for air that seems much less necessary than the touch of Eli's lips on mine. He begins to make a trail of chaste kisses down my neck to the hollow space between my neck and shoulder. I angle my head granting him more access.

As I feel his tongue caress my skin through his openmouthed kisses, I feel sounds escaping my throat that I've never encountered before. Eli brings his lips lower and gently bites my collarbone before lifting his lips back to mine.

His lips offer two chaste kisses before he pulls away for the first time.

I rest our foreheads together as my erratic breaths intermix with his. I lower my head and hide my face against his neck where I place a few gentle kisses as he wraps his arms around my waist. I lower my arms and rest them on his toned chest before lifting my head.

Green pierces blue as we look at each other for the first time since our lips familiarized themselves with each other; since our lips memorized the shape and feel of the other.

We remain like that for one quick moment before I feel Eli take a hesitant step backwards. I hear a soft whimper escape my lips at the prospect of losing this intimacy.

_No, I need more of you. _

I constrict my legs around him tighter and bring him closer to me by drawing his face to mine once again. He lets out a groan as our lips reconnect. Eli lifts one hand to hold onto the door frame while his other arm wraps tightly around my waist.

While our lips are preoccupied, I bring my hands to loosen his tie and open the first two buttons of his shirt. We disconnect our lips for a moment as I lift the tie off of him. He quickly brings his lips to my neck.

_It's as if he knows I hav – had a vampire fetish when I was younger. _

And the next thing happens so quickly, I can't even process it.

A car door slamming loudly sounds from the parking lot outside.

It sounded unconventionally loud.

Almost like a bullet being shot from the barrel of a gun.

And in one swift motion, Eli turns us around and drops our tangled bodies towards the ground.

I hiss in pain as our bodies collide with the small table by the door.

The vase of tulips drops to the ground and shatters right before my burning body comes into contact with the cold tile of the floor.

I close my eyes and wince when I feel a piece of glass pierce my upper arm.

The fabric of my dress absorbs the large amount of water that escaped the vase when it exploded into countless pieces.

I open my eyes and find Eli's panicked eyes staring back at me.

His dog tags slip out of the small opening at the top of his shirt. The cold metal falls and tickles my collarbone. I shiver at the touch.

He swallows and breathes heavily.

"Eli?" I ask aloud hesitantly.

He clamps his hand over my mouth. "You have to be silent. They'll hear you," he whispers in a barely audible voice above me.

I bring one hand to move his from my mouth.

"Eli, listen to –"

"Please Clare. Be quiet." His voice sounds worried.

I exhale deeply as I grasp his face in mine. "It's just you and me, Eli. No one else is here," I whisper in the same tone he did. He stares back at me with the same expression he's adopted since the noise first pierced through our clouded senses.

After a few moments, he closes his eyes and speaks up. "I feel like they're right there."

I feel my eyes burn at the vulnerability and shame in his statement. "I know."

I don't know how long we remained in that position with Eli hovering his body over mine protectively. But after some time, I decide to attempt to reach him again.

"Eli, look at me."

He opens his eyes slowly and I read them as they plead for me to bring him back from the horrors of his mind.

"It's okay," I state as I bring his head down and bury his face against my neck.

I feel his ragged breathing tickle my neck as I pet his hair softly with one hand.

"It's okay," I repeat again.

After some moments, he pulls away slightly to look at me.

As soon as I see his eyes, I realize my Eli is back.

"Did I hurt you?" His shaky voice asks me.

I bite my lip as the adrenaline begins to wear off and the flames underneath my skin have since cooled. The pain from the shattered glass stabbing at my skin begins to overwhelm my senses.

I shake my head quickly.

He eyes me skeptically as if he knows I'm lying. He pulls back from me and pulls me towards him as he kneels before me. I sit up and his eyes immediately dart to the ground behind me.

I furrow my brows before turning to look at what has him wearing a pained expression.

I gasp quietly when I see a small pool of red blood amidst small puddles of water and various stems of flowers. I turn quickly back to Eli who looks at me apologetically.

Silently, he reaches up and twists my arm towards him. He lets out a curse under his breath.

I try and tug my arm from his grasp. "It probably looks worse than it is." I reach up to cup his cheek. "I'm fine," I lie through my teeth as the stinging from my upper arm begins to spread.

He sighs before bringing one hand under my knees and resting the other under shoulders. He lifts me with ease and I bring my good arm to wrap around his neck.

I stare at him with eyes still wide with shock as he looks straight ahead. He leads us to the couch and gently brings me onto it. I sit up.

"I'll be right back," he states distantly before walking back towards the door.

I feel my heartbeat accelerate at the thought of him leaving me like this, but he quickly returns with his pack in one hand. He kneels in front of me before opening one pocket of the pack. He reaches in and pulls out various materials you would find in a first aid kit.

"Guess dragging this damn thing along finally served a purpose," he mumbles. "Can you turn to your side?"

I nod my head and turn slightly in compliance. I watch him through my peripheral vision as he attends to my cut. As he works, I hear him sigh and swear under his breath multiple times.

I feel my throat burn as I realize exactly what is going to happen.

Eli has been distancing himself from me this whole time.

He has been dealing with seeing himself as a man who could care for me as opposed to a man who would hurt me.

And this just tipped the balance back to before he finally let down his defenses and kissed me.

While Eli continues to clean some of the other cuts on my arm, I decide to try my best to deter his thoughts.

"Look on the bright side. We'll have matching injuries now," I state aloud with a smile in an attempt to break the tension.

He doesn't look up from my arm as he shakes his head. "This looks a lot deeper than expected."

_Mission not accomplished._

"What happened?" I ask him softly.

He stops his movements and shifts his gaze to me. "I don't know. It just – It sounded so much like a gun…" He trails off before rubbing a hand against his face. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

I shake my head. "You were protecting me."

He furrows his eyebrows together. "What do you mean?"

I turn my body towards him and gently rest one hand on his shoulder. "Your mind perceived an attack happening. And the first thing you do is get me down and cover me. You did what you could to ensure I would be safe. To make sure I was protected."

He scoffs lightly while shaking his head. "But I failed," he gestures to my now gauzed arm.

I shake my head quickly. "That's not what happened, Eli. A cut is nothing compared to a bullet."

"But it wasn't real!" He yells at me.

I flinch slightly at his tone.

"Don't you get that? It wasn't real! I'm so fucked up, Clare." He gestures to his head. "Nothing in here is right." He shakes his head furiously. "I let my guard down for one second and this happens." His voice is so quiet I can barely pick up his words.

A few silent moments later, he looks down and sighs. "I'm sorry."

I look at him worriedly.

He stands up and puts all the materials back into his backpack.

He walks back towards the doorway and grabs his tie and jacket. He returns and stuffs them in his bag before wrapping it around his shoulders.

He looks at me and I feel my eyes water at his pained expression.

"I have to go," he tells me adamantly before turning around and walking towards the door.

I stand up quickly. "Don't do that."

He stops walking and turns towards me questioningly.

"Don't act like what happened before didn't happen," I plead with him. _I just got him and I'm not willing to let him go without a fight._

He sighs as a distant expression appears on his face. I allow him some time to gather and confront his thoughts.

He begins to walk towards me. My eyes do not leave his as he comes to a stop in front of me. Eli lifts a hand and brushes the tips of his fingertips over the gauze on my arm.

He purses his lips tightly as I close my eyes in an attempt to immerse myself in his touch.

I understand that he needs time to digest what happened. So do I.

When he pulls away, I look up at him with searching eyes trying to find some sort of reassurance that he'll come back to me after he chooses to walk out the door.

"When will I see you again?" My voice comes out in a hoarse whisper.

He glances off to the side. His answer sends a response as cold as ice to every inch of my body. "Good night, Clare."

I suck in a breath in shock at his statement and my watering eyes watch his larger frame turn around and walk towards the door. He opens it and leaves without sparing me one last look.

As soon as the door shuts gently behind him, I take in a few ragged, short breaths as my body begins to respond to his distant behavior.

My heart accelerates at the memory of his desperate lips on mine.

I feel some of the nerves in my body fire at the memory of his rough hands running over my body; claiming me as his.

I feel my cheeks heat up at the memory of the noises he caused to escape from my mouth.

I've never felt anything like that before.

Eli is the first man to ever awaken something within me like that. He was not afraid of being rough with me, of showing his raw _need_ for me.

All of that thrown away because of one sound.

I wrap my arms around myself in an attempt to warm my body as it continues to slip into icy temperatures.

I wish he hadn't left.

I feel so cold without his touch.

**Poor Eclare. :( Taking a step forward and a bajillion steps back. But I promise you all, I love having them together just as much as you do so I won't torture us for long. As always, your reviews are much appreciated and they always have me grinning and smiling and just make my day better all around. Have a lovely day you wonderful readers! :) Bye!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello there everyone! I hope you all had a lovely Christmas! :) A tremendous thank you to everyone for responding to this story! It makes me so happy and is quite frankly an awesome Christmas present. I wish I could write it in the sky for all of you reviewers to see, but I will have to settle for typing it out. THANK YOU. You guys are the absolute best readers ever and I am so grateful for you all. So anyways, I'll stop now and let you guys get to this chapter. I kind of really love this one! :) Enjoy my dears!**

I grunt while slamming my fist against the living room wall.

I finally did it. I let down my defenses and I kissed her. And I'll be damned if I've ever experienced anything that felt better than Clare's lips against mine. Her body flush against mine as she held me tightly to her made every single inch of my body react in a way I've never experienced before. The warmth she's brought with her ever since I met her exploded into a consuming fire and took over all my senses.

I wasn't alert. I wasn't focused. I _hurt _her.

I turn around to walk into the kitchen and grab the first object in sight. I fling the unwashed plate against the wall and a high pitched noise sounds through the quiet room as the plate shatters. I pant while staring at all the remaining tiny pieces that once used to be a perfectly formed plate. My breathing sounds as if I had just ran a marathon – which is exactly how I feel.

I walk over to the plate and slide down the wall I threw it against. I pick up one of the pieces and examine it. One of many pieces that used to serve a purpose. Alone it isn't much. It has no use. But if it joined with all the other pieces, it would actually form something functional. I glance around at the multitude of plate parts around me.

But they can't be brought together. It would take so much damn effort to gather all the pieces and put them back in place like a puzzle. And saying that task was complete, they wouldn't be the same. Even if you fucking glued each piece back in place, it still wouldn't be the perfect plate it was before.

There would be cracks.

I chuckle to myself. _Never thought I would be comparing myself to a plate._ But it makes sense.

I'm not a whole person anymore.

Parts of me are scattered everywhere. Some are left back in my room that I haven't seen in years. Some are left with Julia. Some are left in Iraq. And some are left back in Clare's apartment in her tender care.

There's no way in hell each part can be brought back together. So even if I could stitch all the parts I have back up, there would be holes and cracks.

Parts of me would still be missing.

It's why I can't be good enough for Clare. I'm pretty much a bunch of fucking broken pieces wretchedly put together.

I fist my hands as the image of Clare's cut arm floods my mind. Rationally, I know it isn't as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be. But I can't help but be angry with myself for doing that to her.

As much as the idea of anyone else touching Clare makes me sick to my stomach and angry as hell, if it was any other man with her tonight, she wouldn't have had that injury. If it had been any other man, he would still be with her right now. He would have her sitting on his lap on her couch. He would be hearing her stream of giggles as he planted kisses all over her face playfully. He would be fortunate enough to see her innocent blush as he whispered into her ear all the things that make Clare Edwards so wonderful.

He would be doing exactly what I wish I was doing right now.

I relax my hands and my eyes catch the reddened piece land on the floor. I turn my palm up towards me and realize I cut myself. _Shit_. I get up and walk back over to the kitchen where I turn on the sink and let the water run over my stinging cut.

I shake my head to myself. A part of me, a _very_ small part, had held hope that I wasn't giving myself enough credit. This tiny part of me thought I actually was strong enough to control my messed up mind. It thought I was capable of caring for someone instead of hurting them. It thought I was tougher than this.

It was wrong.

I shut off the water and wrap a dish towel around my hand. My head snaps up as my phone sounds from the living room. I walk over as I try and tie the towel in place. Once finished, I open the text message notification. _Why am I not surprised?_ Clare is the absolute most persistent person I've ever come across. And I'd be lying if I said I'm anything but grateful for it.

_Eli, please don't read too much into what happened. I'm perfectly fine. You shouldn't have left. But I understand why you did. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'm here and waiting._

I sigh as I close my phone and set it back on the coffee table. I lie down on the couch and stare at the ceiling. She's so forgiving it's ridiculous. She didn't react with anger at me ruining her dress and her vase. She didn't get upset that I had physically hurt her. She didn't kick me out for being so fucked up. She should have, but she didn't.

Instead, she calmed me down. She helped me escape the confines of my mind. Her primary focus wasn't herself. It was _me_. I have no clue what I've done to deserve her putting me before her own health and safety. But she still chose to do that. She chose to stay with me. I feel my lips curve up slightly in complete bewilderment at her goodness.

One thing she mentioned continues to flood around my mind. She says I was protecting her, keeping her safe. And I guess in a twisted way that would be true. As soon as my mind thought we were being shot at, the number one thing that flashed through my mind was Clare. I had to get her safe. The thought of any of those bullets, intangible as they were, hitting Clare made my stomach drop. I had to make sure she wasn't hurt even if it meant I would be injured in the process. So I covered her body with mine. If there truly was a threat, she would be secure and protected under me. I would take the hit.

I take a moment to let what this means settle into my thoughts.

Clare Edwards has become more important to me than my own life. _Fuck…Fuck, I'm in deeper than I had ever thought possible_.

I cover my face with my hands. I just couldn't let well enough alone. I couldn't just answer her damn questions for the article and let her be. I just had to get involved. I just had to go and develop feelings for her. I just had to go and kiss her.

And now that I know what kissing Clare feels like, I want nothing but to do it again. Well that and _other_ things. But I'm not an idiot. I know Clare's beliefs so my raging hormones need to calm down. Well, what can I say? I am a guy after all.

But that's not important. Frankly, I could do without that. As much as it would be complete and utter torture, I could do without kissing Clare again. But I'd be a liar if I said I could do without Clare.

And what I don't completely know is if I broke more when I met Clare or if the complete opposite happened. Did more of my pieces shatter beyond repair? I know I can't go back to a life without her in it so it would make sense. Or did Clare in fact put some of the pieces together? Is it possible that she was able to replace my missing pieces with herself? So I wouldn't be able to go back to a life without Clare because, in fact, she herself is a part of me now.

I shoot up into an upright position on the couch at that realization. I turn towards the scattered plate pieces as the truth I've been running from seeps into my veins and runs through my body. I get up and walk over to collect all the shattered remains. Once I have them gathered, I set them on the coffee table and search the house for some glue. Luckily, Cece thinks about anything and everything so she left me some in a random drawer in the kitchen. I take a mental note to call her and thank her later.

For the rest of the night, I worked dutifully in piecing the parts back together. Granted, this is the most frustrating task I have ever worked on. Some pieces look like they fit when they fucking don't. A slur of curse words from my mouth cuts through the otherwise quiet residence. I get up in random intervals to grab some water and take a break. It doesn't take long for me to realize I'm missing some tiny parts. Between other relatively medium sized pieces are the smallest of spaces. _They have to be here somewhere. _

So I spend the span of one day contemplating exactly what I'll tell Clare when I see her and putting the messed up plate back together again. It's much harder than I expected. It's those damn specks of plate that are caught in the carpet that I can't find easily. Although the plate is relatively complete, I refuse to stop until each and every part is replaced.

I ignore my phone as Adam texts me. I ignore the door when Dave comes knocking. I only answer my phone when the psychiatrist calls to check on me.

"Hello?" I ask aloud into the receiver.

"Mr. Goldsworthy, this is Dr. Kalat. I'm just confirming our appointment for tomorrow at noon?" Her familiar voice asks me.

"I'll be there," I answer.

"Great. And how have you been? Any more nightmares?"

I take in a deep breath. "To be honest with you, I haven't gotten much sleep. Guess I can't really answer that question."

"Eli, it's important that you stay healthy. Your body needs rest."

"I know," I tell her. "And I promise I'll try. I just have something I need to do first."

It takes a few moments for her to respond. "Eli, whatever it is better be important. And it should be done before our appointment tomorrow. I want us to get started on your full therapy treatment. You need to be focused for that."

I nod my head absentmindedly to her words. "Don't worry, Doc. I got this." I smirk even though I know she can't see me.

"See you tomorrow, Mr. Goldsworthy." I can sense the hesitancy and worry in her voice. She hangs up the phone and I set it back down on the table.

I know I need to get all this straightened out before seeing her tomorrow. Only because I'd rather not be forced to stay in the hospital. I know Dr. Kalat is probably already making plans for that considering my responses to her. But I don't see why. I'm not _that_ crazy.

I finish the plate that night. I stare at it in its resting spot on the table in front of me. Each part is back in place. Although the glue does look messy. Hey, I was never good at arts and crafts when I was younger anyways. And the lines where the plate broke are evident. But it _is_ made whole again.

_It's not impossible_.

And upon proving that to myself, I know what I have to do.

I find myself in front of Clare's apartment early the next morning with the newly pieced together plate in my hand. The skies above me are a threatening grey. I take in a deep breath before knocking lightly on her door.

I hear quick footsteps approaching the door. The lock clicks and the barrier between Clare and I is flung open.

_Damn, I've missed her_. The memories in my mind just downright fail to compare to the real thing. I just stand there and take the image of her standing in front of me into my mind. She looks effortless as always in a purple button-up shirt tucked into her black skirt. And her eyes…damn, I've missed her eyes. They wander from mine to the plate in my hand and back up to my face.

"What are you doing here?" She whispers. _You're really going to have to get a new line, Clare._

I purse my lips together and hurry past her into her apartment. I only had a small ounce of courage and I needed it to get me in and talking. I walk over to the couch and drop that same damn pack that follows me everywhere before sitting down. I gently set the plate down next to me. Clare closes the door and walks over to me. She gracefully slides onto the coffee table in front of me. I clasp my hands together and look into her confused and worried eyes.

_This is it. Just fucking do it, Goldsworthy_.

"I met Julia my freshman year of high school," I start. "S-She was a lot like me. We hit it off. Everything was great. I was happy. She was happy. But we were too alike. Both too damn stubborn for our own good. We started to fight towards the end of the school year and the whole summer was full of arguing." I look down at my shaking hands and swallow the thick lump in my throat. "We weren't happy anymore. One night, she was really upset. I said some things I shouldn't have and J-Julia left. She took off on her bike into the night." I stop talking unsure if I can even relay this to Clare who surprisingly is still sitting in front of me.

"I'm listening, Eli."

My head snaps up at her soft voice. Her gentle expression is enough for me to continue. "She got hit by a car." Clare's mouth falls open in shock at this new information. "That's my secret I didn't know how to share with you the other day. I killed my girlfriend. It's _my_ fault, Clare. I have had to live with that every single day since the accident. If I had just let it go, she would still be here."

Clare immediately reaches over and clasps my shaking hands. "You had no idea that was going to happen, Eli. It was an accident."

I grasp onto her hands tightly as I shake my head at her. "That doesn't make me hate myself any less for it." I decide to answer a question I refused to before when she asked me. "I enlisted for a lot of reasons. It seemed fitting to put myself in danger like that. It wasn't fair to just live my life when Julia couldn't anymore. I guess you could say I was punishing myself. But Clare, losing her like that…I wanted my life to mean something. It should have been me and not her that was hit that day. And if I was spared, I wanted to do something – _anything_ with my life. I'm sorry I didn't know how to tell you all this before."

I look down at our joined hands awaiting her response through the evident tension in the room. And it feels like an eternity before she finally does.

"This is a lot to take in," she begins. "I had no idea…"

I nod my head as I anticipate her to push me away. Dealing with everything I'm dealing with isn't easy. I can't force anyone into that. Especially not Clare.

"But it doesn't change anything," she continues. "If you were scared that this would turn me away, it won't. We all have our own problems, Eli. And I know I wouldn't have been able to handle mine without someone supporting me. So if you need anything, just ask me okay?"

I glance up and stare straight into her eyes ready to tell her what I've been running from this whole time. "Here's what I want, Clare. I want you not to give up on me. You're the only thing that makes me feel like I could ever get better."

I hear her suck in a breath of relief at my words. Her eyes begin to moisture as I continue talking.

"But you have to know that this won't be easy. It'll be frustrating as hell. I don't even understand what's going on with me and I promise to tell you everything I know, but you'll have to be patient with me."

"I can be patient," she responds with a small smile.

I shake my head at her. "You can't fix me, Clare. Do you understand that?" Ever since I met Clare, she's wanted to help me. I'm afraid she thinks she can do more than she actually can. I wish she could. I honestly wish she could. "Whatever is going on with me is _my_ struggle. It's my responsibility. I have to overcome it myself. Like that pack for instance. If I'm ever without it, I feel like I'm going to die. O-Or someone else is going to. Someone I love. It's my job to beat my anxiety."

I watch as she swallows before nodding her head. "Then I'm here. As long as you need me. Whatever you need, I'm yours."

And with that, Clare gets up and jumps into my lap. I freeze as she wraps her arms around my neck tightly. Her words echo in my mind.

_Whatever you need, I'm yours._

_I'm yours. _

I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her to me. I hide my face against her neck as I've found custom to do so.

She knows everything. Clare Edwards knows everything there is to know about me. And she's still here.

I have no fucking idea how this is justified, but Clare must somehow think I'm worth it.

And after years of putting myself down and fighting against an army of giants on my own, an angel from above has come onto the battlefield. She's on my side. She chose me. And if that's not enough to make me feel like I can defeat the giants of my past, then I don't know what is.

After a few more moments, Clare pulls away from me.

"There's one thing I'm still confused about."

I raise my eyebrows in question.

She shifts in my arms and turns around. She reaches behind her and grabs the plate. "What's this?"

I laugh under my breath. "_That's_ why I've ignored everyone for the past day." I reach over and take it from her. "I broke it that night we…" I trail off shyly. "I guess I had to prove to myself that something broken could actually be fixed. Lame, huh?"

I hear her hum pensively before grabbing the plate and standing up. She walks over to the front door and I follow her. She sets the plate down on the table where the vase once stood.

"Just try not to break this one, okay?" She teases as she giggles.

_Oh how I've missed that sound_.

I chuckle as I nod at her. "I'll try my best, ma'am."

Another thing I love about Clare. She even manages to joke about the serious stuff. It makes me feel like things are not as bad as I tend to think.

She smiles before reaching over and grabbing my hand. She opens the door and I follow her outside.

The grey skies have followed through with their threat as a stream of pouring rain is falling down. I furrow my brows together in confusion as Clare pulls me onto the sidewalk.

"Do you mind telling me why we're standing here in the rain?" I ask her.

She looks up at me with her ever-present smile. "You know in literature rain – well water in general – symbolizes change and life. It's almost like a baptism. Before starting a new chapter in their life, a character may be walking in the rain or swimming in a lake." She lets go of my hand as she walks away from me.

Even with her hair flattened against her head and her clothes soaked, Clare still manages to look beautiful.

She turns towards me. "It's like the person is revived. They have a new life waiting for them."

I can't think of a response, but as Clare turns her palms up to the sky and looks up as the rain pelts down onto her face of one thing I am damn sure about.

In the future, when I look back at this moment, I'll know that right here and now is when I began falling in love with Clare Edwards.

**Yup, still fangirling over here. haha But I sincerely hope you all enjoyed this chapter and do please leave me your thoughts. I appreciate all your feedback and its just lovely to hear from all of you! It makes writing even more enjoyable for me! :) And since the New Year is upon us, Happy New Year everyone! See you in 2013! :)**


	18. Chapter 18

**Happy New Year my dear readers! I wish you all the best that joy and happiness can bring in 2013! :) An enormous thank you to all you who took the time to review. You guys are the absolute best. Thanks so much you lovely people! So I know this update took a bit longer than usual, but I hope it ends up to be worth the wait! I had to stop writing and fangirl multiple times. :P Enjoy!**

"When does your appointment end?" I ask Eli as we stand outside my door. The sound of the continuous rainfall peacefully surrounds us as a reminder of the new, hopeful chapter we're embarking on together. Both our clothes are wet with rain, but neither of us find it in ourselves to care.

"In a few hours," he responds as he rubs his thumb across my hand that he has grasped tightly in his. I smile at the action.

"Would it be alright if I stopped by afterwards?" I ask him hesitantly hoping I'm not pushing him too much. I've realized Eli has been taken things step by step and this morning was a huge step for him. I wouldn't want to cross the fragile line we're teetering on.

"It would be more than alright," he answers with a smirk plastered on his face.

I blush and look downwards at my shoes. "Perfect. So I'll see you then?" I glance up at him from behind my lashes.

He nods silently to me before lifting his free hand and lightly brushing the tips of his fingers against my cheek. I close my eyes trying everything in my power to engrave his touch into my memory. I lean into his palm as he cups my cheek fully in his hand. Not being able to help myself, I rest my lips against his inner wrist and place a chaste kiss on the skin there.

Eli responds to my gentle action with one of his own. He removes his hand from mine and places it softy on my waist and pulls me to him. I keep my eyes closed choosing to savor his touch above all else. After a few moments, I feel his lips wet with rain brush against my forehead. I shiver slightly at the contact. He presses them to my skin again with slightly more force than the first ghostlike touch. I feel myself smile as Eli kisses my forehead. When he pulls away, I decide to open my eyes and look up at him.

I'm finding it difficult to describe exactly how Eli is looking at me right now; which is both extremely frustrating and fascinatingly exciting all at once. Frustrating because I'm a journalist and therefore an expert at words. But exciting because I've never had anyone look at me the way Eli is. His eyes stay connected with mine and for once there isn't a cloudy mask over them. They are entirely open to me as mine have been to him since the first day we met. The way his Adam's apple bobs slightly as he swallows his overwhelming emotions makes my breath hitch.

I imagine the depth of his expression was the same one that dawned the faces of the heroes I've read about in novels when they finally unite with their respective heroines. I assume this is the way Darcy looked at Elizabeth in _Pride and Prejudice_, the way Gatsby admired Daisy, and the way the vampires in those Fortnight novels I used to obsess over yearned for the human they felt that at one point they couldn't love.

To put it simply, his expression makes me feel like I'm the absolute only person that matters to him at the moment.

I sigh when he releases his hold on me and takes a few steps backwards. He offers me a smile before turning around and walking down the sidewalk towards the base. I watch him as he goes, unashamedly not being able to take my eyes off him, and furrow my brows together in confusion when he stops all of a sudden. He turns towards me and stands there as if contemplating something.

One second goes by.

Another follows.

And on the fifth second counted quietly in my mind, Eli begins to walk back towards my doorstep. I look around thinking maybe he forgot something, but his ever-present pack is on his shoulders and he didn't bring anything else with him.

He comes to a stop in front of me and before I can even ask him why he's returned, he grasps my cheeks in both his palms and pulls my lips towards his.

Unlike our first kiss where we both hungrily yearned for the other, this one is much more understated. Eli gently covers my top lip by trapping it between both of his. We remain that way for a few seconds, our lips connecting us, before Eli pulls away slightly. He lingers his lips over mine and he lightly shakes his head as he brushes them against mine softly.

I gasp softly while still processing what just happened. Eli doesn't give me a chance to respond before he releases me and walks back the way he came. I stand there dumbfounded and bring up my fingers to touch where his lips were mere moments ago.

I giggle under my breath before turning to open the door and walk inside. As soon as I close the door, I lean against it and slowly slide down to the ground. I can't help it – a fit of giggles sounds throughout the empty apartment relaying how elated I am.

I don't know how long I remained on the floor basking in the memory of Eli's kiss, but the ringing of my phone soon brings me out of my thoughts. I hop up and walk over to the coffee table and answer it. "Hello?" I ask aloud into the receiver.

"Hi honey, how are you?" My mother's familiar voice responds.

"Hey, I'm doing fine – great, actually." I purse my lips to contain the grin from overcoming my features. "How is everything back home?"

"Same as always. I haven't spoken to you in a while and was just checking in. How is the article coming along?"

_The article. _My eyes widen as I have completely disregarded it for the past few days.

"Oh, it's – well, it's not," I answer truthfully in a whisper. I settle on the couch and bite my lip out of nervous habit.

"That doesn't sound like my daughter. Is something bothering you?" She asks me worriedly.

"No, no. I'm fine. I just – I've been distracted recently. But I promise, I'll continue writing it as soon as possible." I decide to leave out the part about my persistent writer's block. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I have writer's block. It's absolutely terrible. Nothing I write reaches the standards I've set for myself. It's all because my mind knows I'm in the wrong by using Eli's experience without him knowing of it. I keep trying to write this hard-hitting article and I'm struggling with it because I made the mistake a journalist should never make.

I got personally involved.

"Clare, you sound a little flustered. Are you sure everything is alright?"

My mom has always been the helicopter parent. It's impossible to keep things from her. "Everything is fantastic, Mom." I open my mouth and close it as I strain for the right words. "I actually met one of Dave's friends. His name is Eli and Mom, he's great. He's so great. But he's struggling with PTSD and I'm learning firsthand how difficult it is for the soldiers who deal with it. He has these nightmares that keep him from sleep and his –"

"Hold on a moment, sweetheart. Let me see if I understand this correctly. You like this boy?" She asks in a surprised tone.

I pause for a few moments as I smile at my next words. "I _really_ like this boy," I correct her.

I hear my mother sigh on the other end before speaking up, "Clare, we did not send you to university and to that base for you to throw away the only opportunity you've been given for a boy."

My jaw drops at her words. "Mom, you've got it all wrong."

"Not to mention one with a mental illness. That's dangerous, Clare."

"Don't talk about him like that," I tell her sternly. "You don't know his case. You don't know what's going on."

"But honey, I've read enough about soldiers attacking their partners during an episode. It's terrifying. I don't feel comfortable with you being around this boy."

I scoff at her. "Do you even hear yourself, Mom? This is ridiculous."

"Clare, please. I'm not trying to sound harsh." I laugh out sarcastically at her words. "I feel for this boy. I truly do. But it's not your place to try and help him. You're there to write an article, not play doctor. He needs professional help."

"And he's getting it," I counter. "He's at a psychiatric appointment right now." I purse my lips together as I try and contain my anger at her response to all this. "I know I can't do much to help him. I wish I could. I wish I could fix him, but I can't." I feel my bottom lip quiver as I continue. "It's so hard, Mom. It's so hard to just stand by and watch him struggle. But I refuse to let him go through all that alone. I know how it feels to go through hell on my own. You and Dad were so wrapped up in yourselves that no one dared to ask me how _I_ felt about the divorce!" I stop as I take a deep breath to contain my emotions. "You can't talk me out of this. I care about Eli and I know that if it was the other way around, he would be by my side every second. He wouldn't desert me. So I'm not going to abandon him."

She remains silent for a few moments as I assume she's processing all I'm telling her. "Let's be realistic for a minute," she speaks up. "How long have you known this Eli?"

I shake my head. "That doesn't matter. You and Dad were married for how many years, Mom? Clearly, time is not an accurate determinant of whether or not two people know each other."

"Will you stop bringing up the divorce, Clare? It's been years and we're sorry we put you through that. But we're all happier now," she tells me in a stern tone.

"And I agree with you. But that doesn't erase the time I spent confused about everything. Mom, Eli is the _first_ guy that I have finally feel comfortable trusting after Dad left us. Please just do me a favor and be happy for me."

I hear her take a deep breath on the other end. "I'm sorry, Clare, I didn't mean to be harsh with you. I'm just in shock that there's a guy in your life all of a sudden and with all the horror stories I've heard, I'm just worried if this is a good idea. He can be unintentionally dangerous, honey. You have to be alert for that."

"I know, Mom. But Eli won't hurt me. He's learning to try and control his mind. It'll take time, but I have faith in him."

"Just be careful, please."

I nod my head absentmindedly. "I will. Don't worry. I actually have to get to writing so would it be alright if I called you sometime tomorrow?"

"Sure. Good luck. I love you." She still sounds distant, but I guess it's the best I can expect for now.

I smile to myself. "I love you too, Mom." I hang up the phone and set it back on the coffee table.

I reach up and twist my purity ring around my finger out of nervous habit. Up until now, no one has expressed concern over my relationship with Eli except for Eli himself. I thought he would be our toughest critic. I never for one second thought of the things my mom brought up. She would probably drive here and drag me back to Toronto if she knew about how I got cut the other night.

I groan to myself. There's still a whole other issue I've been too happy to even confront.

Alas, life can never be perfect. And the voice of that insecure little girl that I've stowed away into the depths of my mind is slowly making its way back to the forefront.

_He's still shaken up about his ex-girlfriend. _

It's true. Anyone who heard Eli today knows that Julia is still a prominent figure in his life. However, as much as I care about Eli and I can tell he has deep, genuine feelings for me, of one thing I am certain.

I can't compete with a ghost.

I wasn't enough to keep my dad. I wasn't enough to keep K.C. I wasn't enough to keep any other man in my life.

They all wandered to other things. Another family. Another girl. Another career.

And what can possibly stop Eli from doing the same?

I couldn't compete with Jenna and she was right in front of me in the flesh.

This is different. This is tougher.

I have to compete with the memories in Eli's mind. And it's not fair for me to be thinking like this. It's not his fault it happened. But I can't help but feel strange about being with him. Almost as if I'm the other women. I'm on the other end of the situation for once. I have this sinking feeling that a part of him is still devoted to Julia and I'm taking him away from her.

It makes sense and then it doesn't all at the same time. Eli wants me. Of that I am sure. But a part of him is still haunted by everything he's been through.

And he said so himself. I can't fix him. I can't be the one to have him overcome the memories. He has to do that himself.

The small voice in my head echoes my worried thoughts.

_You're not enough to make him do that._

I _especially _won't be enough for him when he finds out about the article. Oh God, when Eli finds out..._if_ he finds out, he'll be so upset with me. I keep trying to ease it into conversation, but one look at him and I shy away from the truth. I just got Eli. I can't lose him any more times. And him knowing that I'm using him like this will push him further away from me than ever.

I take a few deep breaths and attempt to divert the doubts in my mind brought up by my mother's concerns. Needing to distract myself, I stand up from the couch and walk over to the kitchen and grab a few of the necessary ingredients to take over to Eli's house.

I find myself at his doorstep later in the afternoon. I adjust the bags in my hands and reach up to knock lightly on his door.

I hear his quick footsteps approach before he swings the door open.

_I will never get tired of seeing his face light up when he sees me. What girl would?_

"Hey," I say in greeting.

"Hey," he responds with a smile. "What's in the bags?" He opens the door wider for me and I walk into his residence.

"Just some ingredients we're going to need," I tell him mysteriously. I drop the bags off in the kitchen and walk back to the living room where he's standing with a confused expression on his face.

"Ingredients?" He asks me.

I nod my head enthusiastically. "I figure we both could use a distraction. Speaking of, how was your appointment?" I ask him worriedly.

He looks to the side. "They're trying to make me take some medication."

I purse my lips together. "Eli, it's to help you get better."

"Not like that," he shakes his head at me. "They'll make me feel worse."

"You don't know that," I counter gently. "Please just try. If you don't like them, we'll figure something else out."

"Clare," he states sternly as he makes eye contact with me. "That stuff will make it seem like I have no emotions. Do you honestly want that?"

My eyes widen slightly as my nerves fire at what he's relaying to me. He's considering _my_ needs in this. He doesn't want to take the medication because he feels like it won't allow him to keep his feelings for me. "Eli, how you feel about me won't change."

He shakes his head. "Don't be so sure. The psychiatrist said I'll feel almost numb at first. I can't risk that."

I walk over to him and reach for his hands. "We can deal with that if it happens."

"Clare…" Eli trails off as he stares at the ground. "Did you not hear what I said to you this morning?" He swallows deeply before continuing. "I can't lose my emotions about you. You're the only thing that makes me feel like I can overcome this. I refuse to let go of that."

My breath hitches at his words. He's being so open and vulnerable with me. This is new for him and I know it's uncomfortable for him. "You won't. I'll be here to remind you of that whenever you need me. Did _you_ not hear what I said to you this morning?" I repeat his question. "Whatever you need, I'm yours," I remind him of my words I spoke to him before.

We remain silent for a few moments and I realize that now would be the perfect time for a distraction. "Come on, let's do something fun."

His eyes wander to mine, a small smirk working its way onto his face. "The bedroom's that way," he wiggles his eyebrows jokingly.

I shove his shoulder playfully. "Not _that_ kind of fun." We both chuckle and I feel happy that we're able to move from tension to lightheartedness so quickly. "We're baking some cookies," I tell him in a matter of fact tone.

"Cookies?" He asks confused as he brings his eyebrows together.

I nod my head. "Yes, cookies."

"I don't do baking," he tells me with a shaking head.

"Please, Eli." I look up at him and pout my bottom lip slightly. "For me?"

The look on his face makes me laugh inwardly. _Home run_.

He looks up at the ceiling in defeat. "Fine," he grumbles.

I clasp my hands together with a smile. I stand up on my toes and reward him with a quick kiss to his cheek before turning back towards the kitchen.

I feel his hand grasp mine and spin me back toward him. He walks over to me and raises an eyebrow. "I think you owe me a little more than that," he teases.

"Oh, is that so?"

He nods his head seriously. "You have to make a deposit now. I'll collect on the rest afterwards."

I shake my head unbelievably at his antics. _He's so impossible._ I sigh dramatically as I reach up my free hand to rest lightly on the side of his neck. "Though it brings me no pleasure, I suppose if you're sacrificing to bake with me…" I trail off jokingly as I lower his head to my level. "I'm willing to compromise," I whisper just as I pause with his lips mere centimeters from mine. His eyes flutter open at my ceased movement. I just stare back at him as I remain in my spot, teasing him a little. _What can I say? It's kind of fun_. He laughs under his breath before initiating the contact of our lips. My eyes close on their own as I focus solely on the soft caresses of his lips on mine. It's crazy to me how easily our lips have learned how to move with each other. He gives me one last quick peck before pulling away.

I smile up at him and turn around as I pull him into the kitchen with me.

"Since I have absolutely no clue what to do, teach me your ways Chef Edwards."

I laugh at Eli as I begin to take the necessary ingredients out of the bags.

"First, we have to preheat the oven…" I trail off as I walk over and put it at the necessary temperature. "We're going to need a few bowls," I tell him.

He nods his head and walks over to a cabinet. "As you wish," he jokes while grabbing them and bringing the bowls over to me.

"Perfect," I say as I grab the flour. "We have to mix this with the salt and baking soda." I grab my measuring cup and obtain roughly the usual amount my grandma uses to make the chocolate chip cookies that I've loved since I was a little girl. Once finished with mixing those, I search for the remaining things I brought. "Then we mix these…" I trail off while grabbing the butter and sugar. I beat them together before adding in the vanilla and eggs. "I'm sorry if you're bored," I speak up shyly to Eli. "It's just – we used to do this at my grandma's a lot when I was a kid. Once I'm in the baking zone, I can't get out." I laugh at my choice of words. "It brings back good memories," I smile at the image of Darcy and I running around the kitchen throwing flour at each other.

As I'm mixing the ingredients together in the bowl on the counter, I notice Eli staring at me in my peripheral vision. "What?" I laugh out.

"Nothing," he responds as he walks over. I feel his arms wrap securely around my waist from behind. He pulls back my hair with his fingers as I try to focus on the task at hand. Extremely hard to do while his fingers brush my neck at his motions. I gasp slightly when he delivers a quick kiss to my neck.

I pull away from him slightly. He looks at me confused. "We have to focus," I explain to him with a chuckle at his perplexed expression.

"But –"

"None of that," I tease him as I return my attention to merging the ingredients together. He sighs as he slowly slips his hands from my waist. I drop the mixing spoon and grab his hands. I wrap them back around my waist. "I didn't say you could let go," I tell him with a smile.

He chuckles. "Okay," he nods his head before resting his chin on my shoulder. We stand in silence as I finish up with the mixing. I grab the dry ingredients I mixed together first and add them to the other bowl in a few batches.

"Why don't you add them all at once?" He asks me.

I shiver slightly as his breath tickled my skin. "This is the way my grandma always did it," I shrug my shoulders. "I don't question it."

We both laugh while I finish up. "Want to add the chocolate chips?" I ask him as I nod to the bag on the side.

"My hands are very content where they are actually," he retorts as he gives me a quick squeeze.

I giggle. "You are contributing to this whether you like it or not."

"Fine," he mumbles as he reluctantly lets go of me and stands to my side while opening the bag. He slowly adds the chocolate chips into the mixture as I continue to stir. "We have to mix it until it's slightly less thick," I explain to Eli as he finishes his task and returns to his previous position behind me.

I smile as he kisses my cheek gently. "Wow," I tell him. "And to think you wouldn't even hold my hand a few weeks ago." I tease him.

I feel him shrug his shoulders. "You'll find I improve upon better acquaintance ma'am," he responds.

I bite my lip at how downright _sexy_ that sounded in his low voice. "I'm beginning to realize that," I manage to respond against my now dry throat.

Once finished, I grab the tray I brought and line it with a baking sheet. "So the cookies don't stick to the pan," I explain to him as I drop spoonfuls of the cookie dough onto it.

"I could've probably guessed that," he jokes.

"We can only fit about twelve cookies at a time," I tell him with a slight pouting of my bottom lip as I finish the last step.

"That's plenty," he informs me with a chuckle.

"Can you open the oven for me?" I ask him as I grab the pan.

He quickly walks over and opens the now heated oven. "Here," he states as he grabs the pan from me. "Let me."

I smile at him in thanks as I turn back to the counter and begin to wipe down the little mess that was made. As Eli closes the oven door, I glance at the open bag of flower mischievously. _This is going to be a whole lot of fun._

I reach into the bag and grab a fistful of the flour.

"Clare?" Eli asks hesitantly as if he knows what I'm planning. I turn towards him and his eyes immediately dart to my hand. "You wouldn't."

I giggle slightly before tossing the flour at him. It splatters all across his chest and I fall into a fit of laughter at his perplexed and shocked expression. "I guess I would," I counter between laughs.

"Oh you are going to pay for that, Edwards."

I watch as Eli grabs the bag of flour and slowly walks over to me. I take a few steps backwards and squeal as my back comes in contact with the cold fridge. "No, Eli! Don't!" I yell just as he turns the bag over and dumps the remaining flour on my head. My jaw drops in shock as I wipe the flour from my eyes and cheeks. "I hate you!" I exclaim.

Eli just throws his head back and continues to laugh at me. "You look ridiculous," he chuckles.

"I look ridiculous?" I ask him. He nods his head as he tries to suppress his laughter. "Well, you're about to look much worse." I reach forward and wipe my hands across his face and leave streams of flour all over his forehead, cheeks, and nose. I dart around him back to the counter and grab one of the leftover eggs. I hide it behind my back as I turn towards him.

He eyes me skeptically. "What's your ammunition?"

I shrug my shoulders silently.

He walks over to me and I lean away from him as he tries to look behind me. He nods his head. "Alright," he states as he quickly grabs my waist in his hands. I twist around trying to get out of his grasp.

"Let go!" I laugh out.

"No can do, Edwards." He smirks at me.

I stop moving as a thought occurs to me. _I'm such a genius._ I rest my free hand on his chest and grab a fistful of his, as always, black shirt. He lifts an eyebrow at me and I pull him lower. As soon as our lips meet, I know I've won.

I smile against his lips as I reach up and smash the egg onto this head. His lips freeze against mine in shock before he pulls from me.

I look at him as innocently as I can while grinning. He takes a few steps back from me in silence. "Well played," he comments as he reaches for the baking soda. "I wasn't expecting that. But unfortunately, I believe you're stuck."

I bite my lip as I glance around and realize he's right. There is only one exit out of the kitchen and he's blocking it. I try running around him, but he immediately wraps his free arm around my waist. I squeal as I try and unclasp his hand from my waist.

Our laughter mixes together as Eli dumps some of the baking soda on me before resting whatever is remaining on the counter. "That's payback for the egg," he acknowledges as he wraps his other arm around my waist.

I lean into his chest. "I told you baking could be fun," I tease.

He turns me around to face him. "I won't lie to you, Clare. I haven't had that much fun…I haven't laughed like that in a _very_ long time."

I smile up at him as I wrap my arms around his neck. He reaches down under my thighs and lifts me up onto the clean counter next to us. "Now I do believe you owe me a certain something?" He asks with a smirk.

I nod my head before bringing my right hand to cup his cheek. I pull him to my eagerly awaiting lips. Unlike the other kisses we've shared today, this one is much like our first. Our lips crash and move together quickly. Somehow Eli manages to be both gentle and aggressive at the same time. He caresses my lips hungrily and I moan slightly into his mouth. His hands wrap my legs around his waist and pull me closer to him.

Suddenly, he pulls away from me. I look at him with glazed eyes. "What?" I ask.

"You taste like baking soda and flour," he teases me. "And you still look ridiculous."

I gasp at him playfully. "Oh and you're so much better Mr. Egghead?"

He chuckles before slamming his lips back onto mine. I constrict my legs around him as I feel the heat begin to build under my skin again. My cheeks flush as Eli traces my bottom lip with his tongue. Still a little uncomfortable with these strange movements, I open my mouth slightly and allow him to guide our joined lips. I gasp slightly as he pulls me flush against him and his tongue moves around mine. I think he can tell I'm a little wary since he slowly pulls away and gives me one chaste kiss.

I rest our foreheads against each other and smile at how _good_ he makes me feel.

The doorbell rings causing both of us to jump in place. We stare at each other and laugh at our reaction. _We're always in our own little world._

"That's probably Dave and Alli," I mention.

He nods his head before turning around in place. "Need a ride?" He asks me over his shoulder.

I giggle as I wrap my arms around his neck and hold him tightly to me with my legs. He begins walking towards the door with his hands under my thighs. I give him a quick kiss on the cheek just because I can.

"You want to know something?"

"Hmm?" I hum out in question.

"I would much rather carry you around than that stupid backpack."

I squeeze my arms around him tightly in response as he reaches the door.

"Will you do the honors?" He asks me.

I reach forward and unlock the door before twisting the doorknob open.

Eli and I both laugh out loud at the shocked expressions on Dave and Alli's faces.

"We were baking," I explain.

"I can see that," Alli remarks.

"Things got a little out of hand," I continue.

"She started a war," Eli adds.

"Which I won," I cut in.

"I beg to differ," Eli counters. "You're covered in flour and baking soda. And plus, I think I won considering what we did afterwa –"

"Eli!" I exclaim as I cut him off. My cheeks flush in embarrassment. _Thank goodness there is plenty of white on my face to cover them._

"Guys, do you smell that?" Dave asks as they walk in. "Something is burning."

My eyes widen in realization as the aroma begins to engulf my senses.

"The cookies!" Eli and I yell at the same time.

**And that concludes chapter 18! I hope you all were smiling as much as I was throughout. I figure we've had all these chapters of angst and these two deserved one of just fluff and fun! So please let me know if you liked and enjoyed this chapter. I will go off and write the next chapter very soon! Thanks again for keeping up with the story. I appreciate it so much! You guys are definitely encouraging me and building my confidence as a writer so thank you for that. See you soon! Bye my loves! :) **


	19. Chapter 19

**Hello wonderful readers! :) Oh boy, do you guys totally make my day or what? A huge and sincere thank you to all of you for your generous and kind responses and reviews to this story. I am just so humbled and thankful that you all are enjoying it. That last chapter was so fun to write, but this is Eclare - it isn't ever easy for them unfortunately. :( Bear with me as the next few chapters are just setting us up for what is to come. I have the whole story planned out all the way until the end. We just have to slowly get there. So please do enjoy Chapter 19! It is a bit of a filler chapter, but is nonetheless very necessary. :)**

I close the door slowly after Clare and Alli leave, trying my best to postpone what is to come.

I sigh as the door clicks shut. "Go ahead," I say out loud as I turn towards Dave with my arms crossed.

He chuckles through pursed lips. "Bro, I told you so."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah…" I trail off.

"Eli and Clare are definitely sitting in a tree now," he winks at me.

I groan as I walk over to join him on the couch. "Are you finished?"

"I haven't even started." Dave laughs out. "I mean _baking_? Eli Goldsworthy, the new Julia Child. Who would've known?"

"Fair enough," I mumble quietly in embarrassment. _Not that I regret the baking. It was surprisingly fun. _

"Hey, I'm just playing. I'm proud of you. You finally took that next step and I know it wasn't easy for you," Dave remarks in a serious tone.

"It still isn't," I exhale a deep breath. "I love being around Clare. I do. Today, I felt so _weightless_. But in the back of my mind I know there is still a lot I'm fighting. Dragging her into that isn't a smart idea."

"Eli, you're not dragging her here. She comes willingly."

"That's just the thing, Dave. It doesn't make sense to me. If I was her, I would've booked it out of here after the first day."

"Good thing you're not Clare then," Dave jokes.

I rest my head in my palm after lifting my elbow onto the arm of the couch.

"Can I ask you a question?"

I look over at Dave and nod silently.

"Why don't you just accept the fact that you're happy? What's so hard about that?"

I take in a deep breath as I ponder over his questions. "I don't know," I tell him honestly. "This is all just really unfamiliar to me. I'm not sure how to respond to it."

"You seemed to respond fine when Clare was here earlier."

I shrug my shoulders as a tiny smile forms onto my face. "Everything is a hell of a lot easier when she's here."

"As it should be," Dave confirms with a nod. "Now go shower. You smell like egg." He scrunches his face in emphasis.

I laugh under my breath before heading over to my bedroom and grabbing some spare clothes.

As I step into the shower and allow the water to wash over me, I take a moment to reflect back on my whirlwind of a day. The beginning could not have been better. I told Clare everything and she took it in stride, as should have been expected. I don't understand how I ever questioned her acceptance of who I am. She's proven time and time again that she's choosing to stay with me. I just need to fucking accept that. I think I slowly am. But after leaving her place and having to discuss treatment methods with the psychiatrist, my emotions spun around and became the opposite. I don't want to take _any_ fucking medication. I've seen how some other guys Dave and I knew seemed to just shut down while on them. I don't want that.

The only other option is continuing the therapy sessions.

And even Dr. Kalat mentioned that I've made some progress since I began my treatment. But she still spoke up and offered me the pharmaceutical alternative.

And I'll be damned if I take it. It took a while for me to come to terms with what is going on with me. But now that I'm focused on getting better – now that I see all the reasons to – I think my biggest motivator is the need to prove to myself that I'm stronger than this. I want control of my mind again. Medication will put my mind in the hand of tiny pills. I shake my head to myself. _Fuck that. Never going to let that happen. _

I need to heal on my own accord.

For myself.

For my parents.

For my brothers in arms.

For Clare.

If I'm allowing myself to be with someone as pure as Clare, then I must – I _must_ – do everything in my power to be worthy of that. Even if I never get to that point, I won't stop trying. If Clare is putting up with all my crap to be with me, then I owe it to her to be better.

And I owe it to myself. I never thought about the prospect that I was leaving myself in a ditch and walking away without a second glance. I never thought that _I _was the one that dug up the ditch in the first place.

I always thought it was all the shit that happened to me that threw me into my own personal prison in hell. But only recently have I realized I locked the doors to the cell myself.

Dave was right. _Exactly what is so hard about being happy?_ Dr. Kalat told me today that I have to get back in control of my emotions. She's right. I've been punishing myself for too damn long. And obviously everyone else sees something redeemable in me.

It's about time I see it too.

After finishing with my shower, I walk back to the living room where Dave is watching the latest sports news.

"You were right," I tell him as I join him on the couch.

He looks over at me quizzically.

"I've been pushing away every damn thing that could make me happy. Like I told you before, I didn't think I deserved to be." I tell him as I fidget with my hands in my lap.

"And now?" He prods me.

"Now," I purse my lips. "Now, I think differently. It took finding her to make me change my perspective."

"I know I told you that Alli helped me through all the Jacinta stuff, but there is only so much you can ask someone to do. It starts and ends with you. If you don't make the effort to get over it and move on, you never will. Clare can help, but it's on _you_."

I nod my head in agreement. "I know. And I think I'm prepared to handle that."

"So where exactly does that leave you?"

"I'm not taking any medication," I shake my head as I speak. "I have to do this on my own."

Dave gives me a worried glance. "Eli, its okay to take them. They can help."

"No." I state adamantly. "I want to get better on my own. If I can't fight this…" I trail off as I shrug my shoulders. "I was right about myself all along." I lower my tone quietly.

"Don't do that to yourself," Dave cuts in.

"But if I can fix this," I continue. "I'm not as bad of a person as I've thought myself to be." I finish.

"That's a hell of a lot of pressure, bro." He nods to the television screen where two men are analyzing a basketball. "And these guys think the NBA championships are 'intense'. I'd like to see what they would call one day of war."

I smirk at his comment. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

"Not taking the medication?" He asks in confirmation.

I nod my head. "And with Clare."

Dave takes in a deep breath and remains quiet for a few moments. "I'm not sure. I can tell you this though." He shifts towards me. "If I was in your place, I would fight like hell to get better. And I would do every fucking thing in my power to keep Alli. I wouldn't give up and I sure as hell wouldn't walk away from her. You may not have known Clare for a while, but the one advice I can give from my own personal experience is that the connection you have with her doesn't happen with just anyone. You'd be a dumbass to let that go."

I realize my decision may just damn me to hell, but I can't find it in myself to care. I exhale as I rub a hand across my face. "Okay," I say quietly as I nod my head. "Okay," I repeat. I fist my hand and rest it against my lips.

I made the choice to let down my defenses and kiss Clare the other night.

I made the choice to open myself up to her.

And now, I've made the choice to beat the insanity clogging up my mind.

I've made the choice to commit to Clare.

I can only hope I haven't made the wrong decision. Before, my choices would only affect me. If I screwed up, I'd get burned. But now, if I fuck up, someone else is going down with me. And I refuse to let that happen.

And in all honesty, our playful food fight earlier and the feeling of her lips on mine pretty much put me on cloud fucking nine.

Just as I open my mouth to relay this to Dave, his phone rings.

I ignore his conversation as I focus on the random images playing on the screen, but shift my attention to him when he begins to speak in a hurried voice.

"Alli, babe. Calm down." He looks over at me. "Yeah, he's right here. Let me talk to him." Dave covers the mouthpiece on his phone. "Alli's worried about Clare. I guess she's been working nonstop on her article, but she's struggling. And Clare can get a bit…neurotic at times. This is one of those times."

I feel my heartbeat accelerate at the mention of her name. My eyes widen slightly. "Well, is she okay?"

Dave puts up a hand to stop me as he listens to Alli speak on the other end. "This weekend? That's in four days. No wonder Clare is freaking out."

"Dave!" I exclaim worriedly in an attempt to get his attention.

"Look, I'll bring him. Give me five minutes." He hangs up the phone.

"Your girl is flipping out," he informs me as he puts the phone back in his pocket. "The editor at the newspaper called and Alli says Clare has been acting like she did when…" Dave trails off hesitantly.

"When what?" I ask him.

He lets out a sigh. "Has she told you about what happened with her internship in high school?"

"_He k-kissed me. I didn't want to. I-It felt so uncomfortable."_

Clare's words as she relayed her harassment echo through my mind.

"Let's go," I tell him in a flustered voice as I jump off the couch. I grab my pack and keys before walking out the door with Dave hot on my heels.

"What else did Alli say?" I ask as we walk hurriedly towards Clare's apartment.

"Look, Clare is one of those people that can't really handle pressure too well. But she hasn't been like since high school. There must be a hell of a lot adding up to make her so anxious."

I pick up my pace at his words. "She was fine earlier. I don't get it."

"She has to have a draft of the article done in four days and according to Alli, Clare has nothing."

I furrow my brows together. "But she's been working on it this whole time. How is it possible she doesn't have anything to show her boss?"

Dave shrugs his shoulders. "Sounds like something you should ask her."

I feel myself relax slightly when we make it to Clare's apartment. Just knowing she's on the other end of the door makes me feel slightly better.

I knock on the door and wait for a few moments for someone to answer.

And when the door opens, Alli's face meets us.

"Where is she?" I ask Alli, not bothering with a greeting.

"In her room. She's been in there for a while now. She refuses to come out." Alli looks over at Dave with a worried expression.

I drop my bag and rush up the stairs to the closed door. I vaguely register Alli and Dave's voices decrease as they walk further into the house to give Clare and I some privacy. _I owe those two like hell._

I take a breath of courage and knock softly on the door.

"Alli, I need to focus." Clare's monotone voice responds to me. I feel the acceleration rush through my body in fear at the sound. Clare _never_ sounds like that.

"It's Eli," I respond.

"E-Eli?" She asks with a slightly higher pitch.

"Open the door," I tell her.

She takes a few moments before responding. "I c-can't. I have so much work to do."

"Clare, open the door." I state in a much more forceful voice.

I hold my breath awaiting her response and let it out when I see the knob turn on the door. As soon as I catch sight of Clare, I realize something is off with her.

Her normally cheerful expression is replaced with one of exhaustion. Her normally bright eyes have adopted a dark shade. I feel parts of me break at the sight. _Her pain becomes mine once again_.

"What the hell is going on?" I ask her.

She shakes her head as she rubs her fingers across her forehead. "I'm fine. I don't get why you're all overreacting."

I walk past her into her room. She shuts the door before turning to me.

"Locking yourself up in your room. Refusing to talk to your best friend. That doesn't really sound like you does it?"

Clare sighs as she takes a seat on the edge of her bed. I walk a few strides and join her.

"Come on, Clare." I rest my hand atop hers. "Talk to me."

She bites her lower lip as she ponders what to say. "I can't do this," she whispers.

I feel my insides literally drop at her words. "Can't do what?" I ask for confirmation.

She shrugs her shoulders. "Write the article," she explains. Her hand shakes under mine. "I can't pretend anymore."

I clasp her hand in mine as I try to calm her down. "Clare, I don't understand."

She blinks rapidly in a failed attempt to prevent the salty tears threatening to stream down her face. One escapes out of her right eye.

"This is my one chance. I'm screwing it up." She removes her hand from mine and burrows her face in her palms.

I watch, frozen in shock, as she wipes both her cheeks. "What are you doing here?" She finally asks me after regaining her composure.

I furrow my brows at her seemingly out of place question. "I'm here because I'm worried about you," I tell her honestly.

"I don't deserve that," she whispers.

_This is the complete opposite of the confident, outgoing Clare I know_. "Where is this coming from?" I ask her in complete and utter confusion at who the girl sitting next to me is.

She shrugs her shoulders silently.

"Clare, you deserve every fucking thing I can possibly give you."

She shakes her head furiously. "No, please Eli. Stop saying things like that."

"Why? It's true. You've given me a whole new perspective on my life. It took you believing in me for me to believe in myself. Why is it wrong for me to want to be there for you as much as you have been for me?" I confess to her in hopes that my openness may constitute some of her own.

She looks away from me. "I have to get out of here," she states in a quiet tone after several silent moments.

"What the fuck, Clare?" I exclaim as she hops up from her place next to me. I immediately regret my tone.

She stops at my question. "I just – I need fresh air," she states vulnerably.

"Okay, let me go with you," I say in a much gentler voice as I stand up.

"No! You don't get it."

I stagger back slightly at her outburst.

She opens her mouth, but closes it quickly. She looks down at the ground before speaking up. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell."

"It's fine, Clare." I tell her in an attempt to get through to her.

She huffs in frustration. "You did it again," she acknowledges.

"Did what?" I ask. _I'm so fucking confused_.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "I just need a few minutes. Please don't follow me."

I just let my jaw drop in shock as she turns and walks out the bedroom towards the front door. When I hear the front door close, I sink onto the edge of her bed again.

I have no clue what the hell just happened. I hear the rush of footsteps as Alli comes into view.

"Where did Clare go?" She asks me.

I try and open my mouth to respond, but no sound comes out.

For the first time since meeting Clare, it seems the roles have been switched. Instead of me being difficult, she's refusing to talk to me. She's acting like I did when we were first getting to know each other.

I feel the adrenaline course through my veins and pound against my skin at the realization of what happened.

Clare rejected my help.

She pushed me away.

And after weeks of getting accustomed to having her joy and warmth around me, I feel absolutely numb without her.

**There you have it folks! Don't be mad at poor Clare. She has her reasons. I PROMISE the next update will come much quicker than this one did. I have a much better focus now. Those crazy promos threw me off and left me in such shock I wasn't able to focus. How crazy does 12C look? :( But please do leave me any thoughts and I hope you all have a lovely day! Stay awesome my loves! I'll talk to you all soon! Bye! :) **


	20. Chapter 20

**Hi there beautiful people! :) Oh goodness, you guys never cease to amaze me. Thank you so much for keeping up with this story and always taking the time to review. It means so much to me. Just know you all have my gratitude. :) Now after all these promos messing with our heads, I felt an update was in order. Hopefully this makes you smile regardless of the craziness of the promos. Enjoy!**

I gasp in a breath of cold air as I walk further and further away from my apartment, but I feel as if _nothing_ enters my lungs. It's as if oxygen isn't enough to sustain me at the moment.

It feels as if the weight of everything has come upon my shoulders and I can't support it.

Marianne called shortly after Alli and I arrived back at my place. She told me I had four days.

Four days to send her a draft of my nonexistent article.

Four days to write the words that will make or break my career.

Four days to prove my worth as a journalist.

And I have nothing. I have absolutely nothing. Not even one lousy word has been saved.

I feel my eyes burn once again as I think back on the countless hours I spent studying and pouring myself into my work so I could gain the skills I would need to land a position at a newspaper. I think about all the fears I had to overcome after the Asher incident; how I had to try everything in my power to disassociate my harassment from my passion for journalism. I've worked so hard and here I am now with nothing to offer for all my efforts.

I know I should just tell Eli the truth. With that weight elevated, I'm sure I'd be able to write. But I also know that Eli would walk right back out of my life as quickly as he came. _There is no way I would be able to focus on my article if that happened_.

Not to mention my mother breathing down my neck this morning. As if I need another critic telling me I'm letting my one chance slip away. My mind is already yelling at me about it enough.

I stop walking when I reach the end of the street. I close my eyes in an attempt to block the disparaging thoughts from entering into my mind and take in a few deep breaths to calm my raging senses down. I bring up a hand and wipe at the lurking tears that have yet to leave my face.

I've spent the past few hours on the inside; trapped within the confines of my own body. My thoughts echoed loudly through my mind and made it impossible to hear the people attempting to reach out to me. All I could focus on was the endless list in my mind reminding me of all the things I still have yet to do and haven't begun. Coupled with my stabbing guilt and my body couldn't take it anymore. It shut down with me on the inside.

The few words I spoke to Alli took more effort than they should have. I felt as if I was fighting against a wind threatening to pick up my words and take them away. What I heard myself yell in my mind, came out in a mere whisper to an outsider. The wind overtook my voice.

But then Eli came. Eli came and the wind dissipated. The walls around me were pulled away, no longer trapping me inside. His soothing voice thawed my frozen senses.

And I tried – I _tried_ to keep the walls from caving in again when he began to question me. But hearing him praise me – hearing how much he appreciates me – made it feel as if the abundant air around me vanished. And I was certain of one thing: I needed to get out of that room.

I just needed a minute to compose myself. A minute to breathe in freshness and exhale all the negative thoughts and emotions out of my body. I needed a moment to remind myself of where I stand.

I need to remind myself that I am a strong writer.

I need to remind myself that I am a good person.

I need to remind myself that the writer's block and the lying isn't who I am.

And I need to do whatever it takes to never forget that.

I turn around and walk back to my front door. I slowly open the door and am greeted with soft voices in the living room. I walk in and see Dave sitting on the couch with his arm around Alli as they talk to Eli who wears a worried expression on the opposite end of the couch. They all look up at my entrance.

I know who I need at that moment so I leave my eyes on Alli. As always, there is nothing but love and concern reflected in her expression.

"Hi," I say softly. I swallow in shame at the way I've been acting. "I'm so sorry about running out like that."

I can practically hear them all sigh in relief when they realize the normal Clare is back.

"There's no need to apologize. You've got a lot on your plate." Alli's familiar voice assures me.

I give her a small smile in response. "It's just – the article and –"

"You know the best thing about a best friend?" Alli cuts me off as she stands up from her place and walks towards me. "They don't need an explanation."

I shake my head in disbelief at how kind Alli is being. I don't deserve it. I eagerly reciprocate her hug when she wraps her arms around my neck.

"Dave's parents are visiting so we'll be going out to dinner with them. But I'll be back tonight so we can talk if you need to. Okay?" Alli whispers in my ear only for us to hear.

I nod my head silently in response before she pulls away.

"Dave?" Alli turns to him. His head jerks up at hearing his name. "Let's go," she gestures to the door.

He furrows his brows together in confusion before first glancing at me, then Eli. "Oh! Right," he chuckles before getting up. He pats Eli on the shoulder before joining Alli in the doorway.

I mouth a silent "thank you" to Alli before closing the door behind them. I take in a deep breath and slowly let it out before turning back towards the living room. I stand in the same spot away from the couch as I bite my lip in nervousness.

"I'm sorry about the way I acted and when I yelled at you," I tell him softly as I continue to avoid his eye contact.

"You've already been forgiven," Eli replies. "Tell me what happened," he says gently.

I'm in shock at his words. He's being so kind. I expected him to be angry. To yell at me for treating him like that. After all, when either of my parents walked out like that, the other would be nothing short of furious. And one of the many fights that I can still recall in my mind would then occur as a result. But as he has been doing since the first day I met him, Eli has surprised me. I _finally_ glance up at him and meet his eyes. I try and relay my message through my gaze.

_You don't know how much I appreciate you right now._

The response his eyes give me make a small smile carve onto my face.

_You don't know how worried I've been and how glad I am to see you back. _

He pats the spot next to him softly and I slowly make my way over to him. As soon as I sit down, I realize Eli is confused as to what he is technically allowed to do. I watch in slight humor as he lifts his hand slightly before bringing it back down. With the way I rejected his touch earlier, I don't blame him. I scoot closer to him before grabbing one of his hands in both of mine. I look up at him with a smile. He responds by wrapping his free arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him.

I look down at our joined hands as I speak up. "This article is really important. If the editor chooses to run it, I get a permanent position at the newspaper. If she doesn't like it, I screwed up the one opportunity I've gotten. I'm trying _so_ hard, but I just can't write it." I shrug my shoulders. "And my mom called this morning. She took it upon herself to put even more pressure on me. She scolded me for not being focused." I feel a smile make its way onto my face. "She says I think about you too much," I look up at him. _My mom isn't exactly wrong._

"Your mom thinks I'm the reason you're not writing?" He asks worriedly.

I chuckle to myself at how concerned he is about what my mom thinks of him. "What my mom refuses to see is that you make me happy. And the article is my responsibility, not yours."

"But is she right? Am I distracting you from being able to write it?"

_This is it. This could be the perfect moment to explain the truth to him. Spit it out, Clare._ My heart beats erratically against my chest and I'm sure he can hear it. Eli's expression further tightens as his worry is evident. I purse my lips together and shake my head, both to myself and to him. "No," I whisper as I decide against telling him.

He exhales a long breath in relief. "Good. I really like you; ergo, I want your parents to like me. I wouldn't want to be the reason you don't get this position."

I purse my lips together as I choose my next words carefully. "Eli, let's say hypothetically that was true." I look up at his curious gaze before continuing. "I want you to know that I would choose to have you over this job. You're more important," I confess to him. I realize my words are true. Even if this article doesn't work out, I don't regret it. If all I get out of all this is Eli by my side, then I'm a happy camper.

He smirks in reply as he squeezes me to him tighter. "I'm glad my Clare is back. You scared me with how you were acting. You were beginning to sound a lot like me; all guarded and distant." He chuckles.

"I like the way that sounds," I say softly as a blush makes its way to my cheeks.

"The way what sounds?" He asks.

"My Clare," I whisper in slight embarrassment as I look down at our hands.

I hear him take in a deep breath before pulling me into his lap. I turn my body towards him and lean against his chest as I drape my legs along the couch next to us. I sigh in content as Eli wraps his arm around me securely.

"Feeling better?" He asks in a quiet tone.

I nod my head. "Everything was just piling up and I still haven't exactly learned how to deal with that. I just needed a moment to clear my head."

"That's understandable," he replies. "And about the article, I think I have an idea."

I turn and look at him curiously. "Do tell," I respond with a smile.

"Just write about how awesome I am," he shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. "That'll be sure to get your writing published.

I laugh at his smug answer and smile as I feel his body rumble beneath me from his chuckling. It's great to see how much Eli has transformed. I'm glad to see him happy like this and I'm selfishly excited that I'm a reason why.

Just as my laughter dies down, an idea swims to the forefront of my mind. "_Just write about how awesome I am."_ My mouth drops slightly as I contemplate the connections my thoughts are making.

"Clare?" Eli's voice sounds through my working mind. "Clare, I was just joking."

I shake my head. "No, no. My journalism senses are tingling." I get up off from his lap and begin to walk towards my room in excitement at my new idea for the article. I pause and turn back to him. I walk towards the couch and bend down to give him a quick kiss on his lips. "Thank you," I whisper softly against them. I pull away as Eli smirks at me and I rush up the stairs to my room. I hop onto my bed and quickly awaken my snoozing laptop. As soon as it's on, I open a new document and cannot stop the smile from working its way onto my face as I write.

Four days.

It took me four long days.

But I managed to write an article. I managed to write a damn good article if I may say so myself.

I put my laptop into its bag as I turn towards the stairs.

"Clare, you're going to be late. Come on!" I hear Alli yell up at me.

"Coming!" I respond as I grab my suitcase and rush quickly down the stairs.

I'm headed back to Toronto for the weekend. I decided against just e-mailing Marianne my new draft. She would be too confused. I wanted to discuss it with her in person. I wanted to tell her exactly _why_ my article isn't the one we agreed on. I just hope she doesn't turn it away without giving it a chance.

I smile in gratitude as Eli grabs my suitcase and laptop bag from my hands. "Let me take those," he says.

"Thank you." I follow him and Alli outside the door where Dave is waiting by his parents' car. They were visiting him and Alli for the past few days and volunteered to drive me back to the city. Alli decided to tag along as well. She was starting to miss her family and her parents were starting to get anxious of her being away for so long. Dave chose to stay on base with Eli and I'm glad he did. I would have been worried if he was left here alone. Just in case.

I wait for Eli to close the trunk of the car as Alli and Dave embrace goodbye.

"I'll be back in two days," I tell him as I rest my hands against his chest.

He nods his head. "That's way too long," he responds.

I feel the heat rise in my cheeks while playing with one of the buttons on his shirt. "I'm going to miss you," I tell him honestly as this will be the longest Eli and I will be separated since meeting each other. I glance up at him from behind my lashes.

"You're telling me," he chuckles as he wraps his arms around my waist.

"I'll call you as soon as I end my meeting."

"I'll be waiting," he states before turning to Alli. "Hey, take care of my Clare here, will you?" He looks down and winks at me as he uses my favorite words. That's something I've come to notice about Eli. He may not be the grand gesture kind of person, but he finds subtle ways to remind me how much he truly does like me.

Alli rolls her eyes. "Right, because Toronto is _so_ dangerous," she responds sarcastically before getting into the car.

Eli laughs along with me before turning his attention back to me. "You're going to be late."

I sigh loudly as I nod my head. "I better go," I acknowledge.

He nods his head as he pulls me closer to him. "Even though I haven't read the article since you're too stubborn to let me see it," he states in an accusing tone. "I know she'll love it. And even though I know you won't need it, good luck beautiful."

I smile against his lips when he bends down and kisses me softly. I bring up my hands to grasp his face and just as I'm beginning to deepen our kiss, Eli pulls away.

I pout my lip as he rests his forehead against mine.

Eli laughs at my expression. "More of that and I won't be able to let you go."

I shake my head before giving him a quick hug. "See you in two days," I tell him.

He nods his head. "Have a safe trip."

I smile in response before turning away and walking to the door to the backseat of the car. I give Eli one last glance before easing into my seat and closing the door.

His smirking expression remains in my mind as we embark on the long drive back home.

Later that day I find myself staring up at the familiar building and I take in a deep breath. _Here goes nothing._

I push open the doors. "Hello," I tell the receptionist when I reach the front desk. "I have a meeting with Marianne Pollack. My name is Clare Edwards."

"Yes, Ms. Edwards," she smiles at me. "Marianne just got out of another meeting. You can make your way to her office. She's expecting you."

"Thank you," I say in response before making my way to Marianne's office. I knock on the open door to grab her attention.

She looks up at me from her place behind her desk. "Clare, it's great to see you. Please come in."

I smile at her warmly before taking the same seat I did the last time I was in this room. "How have you been?" I ask her.

She shrugs her shoulders. "More of the same. But I've been looking forward to reading your writing. How was the base? Did you have enough resources there?"

I nod my head. "It was the best experience," I relay to her. _Loaded words._ "But I do have some surprising news…" I trail off in a slightly worried tone. I bite my lip as I feel my heartbeat begin to increase in nervousness.

She leans forward and rests her forearms on her desk. "I'm all ears."

I begin twisting my purity ring out of nervous habit as I speak. "I chose _not_ to write about what we discussed," I tell her in a rush.

Marianne quickly lifts her eyebrows in shock. "I was not expecting to hear that."

"I know," I say as I reach into my bag and pull out my printed article. "But I was wondering if you wouldn't mind giving this one a try."

I hand her the papers and she immediately begins reading. I find myself glancing around the room and preoccupying myself in an attempt to focus and think about anything but the critique that is probably running through Marianne's mind. After a few minutes, she sets the article down as she takes in a deep breath.

"That was…" she trails off. I bite my lip in worry. "That was different."

I nod my head. "Yeah," I say in a soft tone as I realize she isn't too fond of my new topic.

"And you're sure this is the article you want to turn in to me for publishing?"

I swallow the nervous lump that has since formed in my throat. "Yes."

She glances back down at the article. "This is very risky, Clare."

I'm pretty sure my heart is about to beat right out of the confines of my chest. "I know, but I believe in what I wrote."

Marianne clasps her hands together upon the desk as she studies me. "Frankly, I may have been worried for you when you told me you changed the topic. I didn't understand why someone as bright as you would risk the one opportunity you've been given." I feel my insides literally drop at her words. I glance down in my lap. "But you told me. You explained it to me through your writing." I look up at her as a small hope is beginning to rise inside me. "You have a week to send me the final draft. Then check the newspaper to see if it's been published." She offers me a smile of support as my eyes remain wide in shock. "And if it is, I'll be looking forward to more of your surprises."

I think of something genius to reply back to her, but all my brain can come up with is, "Oh my God."

Marianne laughs at my response. "Were you worried I wouldn't approve the topic?"

"Worried would be an understatement," I tell her as I laugh under my breath.

"I think your piece has character and you believe very strongly in what you've written. That's your point of view. That's what being a journalist is all about. Now go edit and give me a final draft. I have a huge block of meetings to get to today."

I feel my legs stand up and my hand shake hers. "Thank you so much, Marianne. I promise you, you won't be disappointed."

"You haven't let me down yet so I'm not too worried."

I smile at her before grabbing my bag and turning out of her office. As soon as I am out the door, I dial the familiar numbers on my phone.

He picks up after two quick rings.

"Hello?"

I smile as soon as I hear his voice. "Hi."

"What's the verdict?" He asks me excitedly.

I pause for dramatic effect before speaking. "She loved it! She wants me to write her a final draft and then she'll decide whether or not to publish it. But I think she was leaning towards yes!"

"Clare, that's fantastic. I knew you had it in you."

"Thanks," I tell him sheepishly.

"I'm so proud of you."

"Really?" I ask him as I bite my lip.

"Of course. It's not every day my girlfriend may get published in a famous newspaper, you know." He chuckles.

I freeze in spot at his words. "Y-Your g-girlfriend?" I ask him in slight shock. Not that Eli and I wouldn't be an official couple. That was something that we both acknowledged and agreed upon without having said the words. But finally hearing it is a whole other story.

"Well…I wasn't…um…" Eli trails off and I smile to myself at his nervousness.

"Cat got your tongue there, boyfriend?" I tease him.

I hear him sigh in relief. "You little devil," he mumbles.

I laugh at his words. "How have you been?"

"Missing you like hell. Dave isn't exactly as easy on the eyes as you are."

I blush at his words and before I can respond, I hear Dave say something in the background. "What was that?"

"Ignore him," Eli answers. "But I've been good. I'm planning to join him at physical therapy today. We were just getting ready to go."

"Oh! Then go on. Have fun."

"Are you sure? I mean, I could always ditch Dave and spend hours on the phone with you instead."

I chuckle. "As appealing as that may sound, go with Dave. We can always talk later."

"Fine," he concedes. "I'll call you tonight."

"Sounds good. Goodbye."

"Bye Clare."

"Oh, Eli!" I exclaim before he hangs up the phone.

"Yes?"

"I…I really like you." I tell him shyly. "I just wanted you to know that."

"I could say the same, but I think you already know how I feel."

I smile as I remember all the times he's said he's indebted to me for how much I've been helping him through his PTSD.

"I know," I confirm. "Okay, now you can hang up," I laugh.

I hear him chuckle on the other end. "As you wish," and I hear the beeping noise indicating the call has been ended.

I decide to join Alli at The Dot where she said she would be waiting for me when my meeting ended. We spend the next few hours eating the familiar food for dinner and discussing anything and everything that has happened the past few weeks.

"Clare, this is hands down the best thing you've ever written." Alli acknowledges after reading over my article.

"You think so?"

"I know so," she nods her head. "It gave me goose bumps!"

I laugh at her response. "Thank you."

"So are you going to let Eli read it?" She inquires.

I shake my head. "I can't, Alli. You know that."

"But it's different from the old one."

"It's still not what I told him it was," I explain to her.

"So you just plan on confiscating all the copies so he never sees one?"

"If that's what it takes, then yes." I nod my head.

Alli looks at me worriedly. "Are you sure that's the best idea? Not telling him."

I shake my head quietly. "No, but it's my only option. I can't risk it. I can't lose him after just getting him. It's scary how deep my feelings for him go."

"Then let us focus on that and forget all this article stuff. Let's just be girls and order a chocolate cake while getting all giggly over boys, shall we?"

I have never appreciated Alli more than I do now. "That sounds like the perfect way to end the day," I tell her.

We spend our second day in Toronto catching up with Jenna in the morning. Both Alli and I go our separate ways in the afternoon visiting our respective families. And although my mom and I had that small fight over the phone, I think we missed each other enough to ignore it. She even cooked all my favorite dishes for dinner so I'm pretty sure we're calling it a truce.

I've really missed being close to my family, but I wouldn't trade my apartment back at the base for anything. Like I've said, there's this imaginary rope holding me to Eli and the further apart we are, the greater the tension on the rope.

And being all the way in Toronto while he's still at the base isn't the best scenario. But Alli and I are going to be taking her car back to the base in the morning so I'll get to see him then.

"So who's this Eli kid?" Jake asks me from his place next to me on the couch at our parents' place.

"E-Excuse me?" I ask him.

"Katie may have mentioned something and your mom _definitely_ talked about him."

I groan. "What did she say?"

"Helen?" He asks. I nod my head. "Just that you're dating someone in the service," he shrugs his shoulders. "She said you met him through Dave."

"He's Dave's right hand man at war," I inform him.

Jake nods his head. "Is he a good guy?"

I furrow my eyebrows at him humorously. "Because I would date a bad person?"

He throws me a knowing look. "Must I mention your previous boyfriends?"

I hold up my palms in surrender. "Fair enough," I laugh. As my chuckling dies down, I speak up. "Jake, this one is different." I bite my lip in an attempt to stop the smile that always adorns my face when I talk about Eli. "He's so sweet and gentle. You wouldn't expect it when you first meet him. I just – I love the way I feel around him. I just feel protected and cared for. He makes me happy," I whisper softly.

Jake nods his head slowly at my words. "So I shouldn't sharpen my knives then?"

I gasp at him. "No, of course not!"

He laughs at me. "Good. But I'll still sharpen a few. Just in case."

I roll my eyes at his over protectiveness. "You're ridiculous."

"A 'Thank you for being the best big brother ever' would suffice." He jokes.

I turn to him. "Thank you for being the best big brother ever." I repeat. He smiles at me. "Not," I mumble under my breath jokingly.

"I heard that," he acknowledges.

Alli and I wake up early the next morning and head back to the base in her car. After a few hours of dancing around to her playlist in our seats, we make it back to my apartment. As soon as we park the car, we notice Dave and Eli sitting on the step in front of the door.

"They seriously can't function without us," Alli says jokingly with a giggle.

I laugh absentmindedly at her comment, but am too focused on my dark haired _boyfriend_. I quickly open the door and rush out of the car. Once I close the door, I see Eli jogging towards me. Before I can even say "Hi", he wraps his arms around my waist and lifts me off the ground in a huge hug.

I wrap my arms around his neck and giggle loudly. I pull away and smile at him. He smirks in reply before glancing down at my lips. There is a desire in his eyes that I feel underneath my own skin from the past few days we've been separated.

As soon as his lips meet mine, I feel blissful again. No longer is there a strain on the intangible connection between us. We are joined together again. _And oh how I've missed his kisses._

I smile against his lips before pulling away slightly. He lowers me back to the ground, but doesn't let go of his tight hold on me.

"You want to know something?" I ask him.

He angles his head to the side in question.

"I was just thinking that if that's the way you'll be greeting me, then maybe I should take trips more often."

His soft, familiar lips suppress my laughter as he gives me a quick peck.

"That's," he kisses me again. "Not," his lips meet mine and I giggle at his actions. "Even," I smile at yet another peck of his lips. "Funny," he finishes with one final kiss.

**Fangirling at the end of this chapter! :) The plot will definitely pick up again in the next chapter and we'll return back to Eli and his mental illness. Please be so kind as to leave me your thoughts on the chapter! Let me know if you liked it or if it made you smile as much as it did to me. :) I love you all and hope you have a lovely day! Bye! :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**Hi there! :) Thank you for your sweet messages! You guys are the best readers ever and I appreciate you all so much for keeping up with this story. We're back to our main plot with Eli in this chapter. It's a bit of a roller-coaster, so prepare yourselves. Please do enjoy! :)**

"So we'll continue with the therapy sessions then?" Dr. Kalat asks me.

I nod my head in agreement.

She lets out a breath. "Eli, contrary to what you may believe, I don't want to see you on medication just as much as you. But we have had successful treatments with the aid of pharmaceutical drugs."

"I can do this on my own. I can feel myself getting better," I confess to her.

She purses her lips before continuing. "When was your last flashback?"

I close my eyes as the memory rushes to the forefront of my mind. "One week ago."

"Have you had nightmares?" Dr. Kalat inquires.

"I haven't had one in five nights."

"What was it about?"

I swallow the nervous lump in my throat. I've gotten better at being open with my therapist, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. I rub my hands together in a fidgeting motion from my seat on the couch. "It's weird," I begin as I shake my head. "I haven't had a nightmare where I myself die. It always ends before I get a chance or I just happen to survive." I pause as I think of how to word my thoughts. "But someone else _always_ does," I say in a soft voice. "Someone I care about gets hurt and I can't save them. It would be so much easier if it was me," I blink away the burning of my eyes. "It would be a hell of a lot easier."

"Who do you normally see?"

"D-Dave shows up a lot. He was in the most recent one."

"Considering he was physically by your side while in combat, that would be expected." She tells me in a patient tone.

I look up and meet her eyes. "Julia is there sometimes. Not as much recently, but she has been."

"Is that hardest for you?"

_No shit. _"It physically hurts more than if it's anyone else. I jolt awake, exhausted and panting. I physically hurt myself once too."

She nods her head. "The lip. I remember."

"Yeah," I confirm.

Dr. Kalat remains quiet for a few moments. "Over the course of our sessions, I've visibly seen you improve. You're not as tired or sad. You appear much more…well, alive for lack of a better word. You don't seem as angry. And you are determined to get better. Even though all this is still in your life and polluting your mind, you need to acknowledge how much you've improved."

I nod my head. "I finally understand that I have a right to be happy and healthy. For a while there, I thought I had all this coming because of what happened with Julia. But then I grew closer to…" I trail off as Clare's smiling face pushes all the negative thoughts and images out of my mind.

After some moments of silence, Dr. Kalat finishes for me, "Clare."

My head snaps up to meet her gaze. "Yes. How did you…?" I trail off.

She laughs lightheartedly. "Nurse Dawes took it upon herself to inform me a while ago."

"Oh," I respond as my jaw drops slightly. _That must mean Dr. Kalat thinks I'm engaged. _And for some strange reason, I can't find it in myself to tell her the truth. "Being around Clare has really helped. She's…" I clasp my hands together while my thoughts try to get themselves together. "I felt really dark for a long time. I mean, look at me," I gesture to my dark apparel. "And you know Clare. She's – she's the exact opposite of that. I didn't think I was deserving of her. I still don't. She can do so much better than me and all my shit. But she's still here. And if Clare can persist through the entire amount that I've pushed her away and treated her like crap, then I damn well can beat this."

"You know it's very strange," Dr. Kalat tells me in a soft voice. "Most of my patients pull away from their loved ones. A lot of the time they share your feelings of unworthiness and shame. They don't believe they are deserving of the care and patience of others. Some of the time their loved ones push them away. Mental illness is scary for most people and they struggle with understanding it." She pauses and I wonder exactly where she is going with this. "The mind is very malleable, Eli. It is easily altered by our experiences and our circumstances. Some minds react a certain way while others choose a different route. And I know you may not feel like it, but you are a strong man. A very lucky one as well."

I furrow my brows together at her statement.

"You have made the decision to get better and you have loved ones around you who have made the decision to stick with you while you do. Believe me when I tell you that is rare. That is very rare."

I purse my lips together. "Sometimes I feel like I'm making the wrong decision," I confess to her.

"About?"

"Being with Clare," I run a hand through my hair nervously. "Sometimes I feel like I'm burdening her more than anything. And sometimes…" I trail off as I don't have any desire to finish my thought.

"Continue, Eli."

I shake my head while I clear my throat.

"Sometimes you think you might hurt her," she finishes for me in a calm voice.

I feel my body visibly deplete at her words. I sag my shoulders in shame. "How did you know?" I ask her.

"You're not my first rodeo, Eli. I know what you're going through."

"Look, Doc. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me, but I don't see how you can understand what I'm going through. You haven't been at war. Hearing about isn't even near being in that hell."

She nods her head from her seat across from me. "You're right, but my husband has."

My ears perk at her words.

"And I chose to stick by him after he returned. He was a lot like you. He didn't talk to me. He wasn't the same man. But I made the decision to support him until he got better. My whole family was against it. They were afraid he would get physical with me one day." She purses her lips tightly. "And he did."

My jaw drops at her words. "I-I…" My voice ceases as I struggle to find any words to say.

"You of all people understand the loss of control during a flashback. He didn't know what he was doing. And it wasn't a big deal. But it was a wakeup call for both of us, him especially." She clears her throat. "I'm telling you this so that you know Clare's perspective. No one understood mine. Especially not my husband. She knows who you can be. She knows you're not your illness. And even if you don't, she knows you'll beat this. So she is choosing to stick by you. You're doing the right thing by _respecting_ that. Clare has the right to her own choices. And you know you have the right to be healthy."

I remain silent as I let her words sink in. I didn't even have one fucking clue about Dr. Kalat's past. And I feel like a complete ass for the way I've been acting. "I apologize if I've ever been rude to you."

She gives me a small smile. "Eli, you're an easy patient. And it's been a pleasure helping you."

I genuinely smile at her. "I'll keep trying. I promise you that," I state. "I'll keep exercising. I'll make an effort in my relationships. I'm going to get better."

She nods her head in agreement. "Yes, you will. But Eli, that brings about a whole other mountain to climb."

I look at her curiously. "What do you mean?"

"Once you're healthy, I sign you off. You'll pass your psychological evaluation. And you still have a few months of your contract left. I know this is still a while away, but you need to prepare yourself and your loved ones for that," she informs me in a regretful tone.

"I'll have to go back," I state in summary.

"I'm afraid so. But I promise, I won't sign those papers until we're both sure of it. We'll keep you here as much as we can."

I shake my head at her. "No," I counter. "I'll stay until I'm healthy and then I'll go."

My mind wanders to all those men I fought with. All my brothers in arms that are risking their lives at this very moment. They deserve to have me with them. It feels wrong being here in complete safety as they are in danger every moment while in combat.

"Look, we don't have to discuss this now. We still need you to stop being dependent on your pack," she gestures to it. "And we need to be sure that all the flashbacks and nightmares have ceased."

I nod. "I know. And that day will come." I swallow the lump in my throat. "I'll be ready to be deployed when it does."

"I think you should go home and rest. You don't have to make a decision right now. After all, you have other people to consider." She stands up and walks over to the doorway.

I feel every wall in the room cave on me as I realize I'll be leaving every damn part of me here when I go back. Clare has rightfully earned my affections and every ounce of me with it. When I go to war, I'll be leaving my whole heart in her caring hands. But most importantly, I'll be leaving her to worry about if I'll come back or not.

_How can I ask her to agree to that?_

I shake myself out of my thoughts as I grab my pack and make my way out the door. I thank the psychiatrist before walking out into the hallway.

So consumed am I by my thoughts that I walk right past the object of my affections who is sitting in the hallway waiting for me.

"Eli?"

I stop walking at her familiar voice. I turn towards her. "Clare, what are you doing here?"

She smiles as she gets up and walks to me. "I remembered you had an appointment and I wanted to be here for you when you finished." She looks down. "I hope I didn't intrude."

If it had been any other day, I'd be elated to see her right now. But after knowing my impending fate, I can't find it in myself to be content at the moment. "No, you didn't." I grab both straps of my pack as I feel my anxiety continue to develop.

_You made her work this hard to be with you and you're just going to walk away. Way to hurt her, Goldsworthy. _

"Is everything alright?" She looks up at me with worried eyes.

_I knew they would be my weakness from day one._ "I don't know," I tell her honestly as I try and fight against the chains threatening to hold me captive.

"Did the appointment not go well?"

"It was fine. I-I just…Can we go?" I ask her hurriedly.

"Of course," she responds while following me hasty steps towards the elevator.

I remain silent as we exit the building and I begin walking towards her apartment.

Clare plays along, but I know she can't for long. Soon enough, her soft voice sounds out vulnerably. "Eli, you're worrying me."

Not trusting my voice at the moment, I just reach out to her and grasp her hand in mine. I close my eyes as the warmth of her hand spreads throughout my body, counteracting all my negative thoughts. I give her hand a quick squeeze in reassurance.

"_They were afraid he would get physical with me one day."_

"_And you still have a few months of your contract left."_

"_After all, you have other people to consider."_

All of Dr. Kalat's words swarm my mind at once while Clare and I continue walking hand in hand. Against my will, all these random images of war flood my mind. I watch as I fire at the red car whose passenger murdered the children around me. I can smell the aroma of the desert mixed with the stench of human corpses after a particular attack. I hear Dave's screams as the medic tends to him.

I have to go back to that one day.

I have to leave the angel next to me to wander back into hell.

After a few minutes, Clare and I stop as we reach her front door.

She turns to me. "I-I don't know what to do. You're not talking to me. And I'm getting scared."

I look down at her and try to focus on her. I try to fight the visuals that have haunted me for so long and solely have Clare's image in my thoughts.

But I fail.

"Go inside," I tell her. "I'll come back later."

"I'm not leaving you like this," she exclaims.

I clench my eyes shut in a feeble attempt to close myself off from everything. "I promise. I'll be back in a few hours. I just need to rest."

I feel the softness of her fingertips as she caresses my cheek gently. As much as my worries and anxiety are attacking my senses, her touch calms me down slightly. "Okay," she whispers.

I open my eyes and try to ease her worries. "I'm fine," I tell her. "I just have a lot on my mind."

"I just feel like you're pushing me away," she tells me vulnerably.

I exhale deeply as I remember Dr. Kalat telling me precisely not to do that. I reach for Clare's waist and pull her to me. I lean down and touch my lips to hers in a soft kiss. I rest my forehead against hers for a few silent moments. I want to curse myself. _What the fuck is wrong with me? _I can't find it in myself to keep holding her, kissing her. It just doesn't seem right. I pull away from Clare. "I…I have to go."

She nods her head as she respects my space. "Just…Please, Eli. You're acting so strange."

I purse my lips together as I choose my words carefully. "You mean everything to me, do you know that?"

Before she even has a chance to respond, I turn away from her and walk back to my place.

I just need to escape. I need to get away from all these thoughts nagging at me. I need to sleep.

I can feel myself becoming numb on the outside while I feel like I'm waging a battle on the insides. I have all these thoughts each screaming for my attention. Thoughts of duty and responsibility. Thoughts of war. Thoughts of Julia. Thoughts of family and friends. Thoughts of Clare. Always, thoughts of Clare.

I open my door and walk into my residence as I yearn for some sort of rest from the aggressiveness of my mind.

"What's up, man?"

I turn to Dave who is sitting on the couch with Alli at his side.

"Hi, Eli." She welcomes me cheerfully.

I forcefully smile at her. "Hey, Dave?" He turns his attention from the television to me. "I'm going to go take a nap. If I'm not awake in a few hours, come get me. I promised Clare I'd see her tonight."

He nods his head. "Sure thing, bro."

"Have a nice nap!" Alli exclaims and I just nod at her before walking to the shelter of my own bedroom.

I close the door behind me and flop onto the mattress.

I know I practically gave Clare a heart attack earlier. I was being so distant.

But I couldn't help it. Just when I think I'm making progress, the doctor just has to go and remind me of what will happen at the end of all this.

And I feel guilty as hell.

I feel guilty for the prospect of leaving Clare.

I feel guilty for even considering not wanting to go back when so many are on the frontlines right now.

And so I close my eyes shut as I let myself succumb to being so worn.

The first thing I notice is she's here with me.

And her lively giggling sounds through my senses.

I feel myself smile at the sound.

The next thing I notice is we're in the middle of nowhere, but the surrounding areas look familiar.

I reach for her and pull her close to me as a stream of fear overtakes my emotions.

"We shouldn't be here, Clare." I tell her sternly.

"And why not?" She smiles up at me.

"It's not safe."

I feel her wrap her arms around my waist and look up at me. "I'm with you," she tells me. "I'm safe." I rest my arms on her back and she brings her hands up to my chest. "You wouldn't let anything happen to me, right Eli?"

I shake my head. "I protect the people I love."

And before Clare can even respond to my statement the loud, familiar noise of bullets sounds through my senses.

_No, not here. Not now. Not her._

I hug Clare to me tightly as I try and shelter her from the attack.

_No please. Don't take her too._

And then I see him. A random man runs over to me and I push Clare behind me.

I feel his hands on my shoulders and I quickly grab him.

"Eli!" A voice yells and I assume its Clare.

I knock him to the ground and out of my peripheral vision, I see Clare's form on the ground.

I've seen bodies like that before.

And with a new rage, I turn to the man under me.

Before I get a chance to let go of his neck and hit him, his hand comes up and punches my face.

I fall back not onto the hardness of the desert floor, but onto softness. Like a cloud. _A mattress. _

I snap my eyes open and my frantic senses take in my surroundings.

"What the fuck, Eli?" I hear Dave's voice exclaim.

I sit up and turn to him.

He's panting. His shirt is wrinkled. And he's looking at me alarmed.

_Oh fuck no._

I reach up and wince at even the slightest pressure on my cheek.

"What happened?" I ask him.

"I came to wake you up, and you went WWE on me." Dave sits up next to me. "What the hell was going on in your head?"

I turn to him and shake my head in confusion. "I attacked you, didn't I?"

Dave nods his head silently. I realize the man I was brawling with in my nightmare was in reality Dave's form. "Sorry I punched you. I just couldn't get you off me any other way." He looks at me apologetically.

"No," I shake my head as it falls into my hands. "Fuck, Dave I'm so sorry."

"Hey man, don't worry about it."

"It's just – I saw…" I trail off. _Clare._

I jump off the bed and grab my pack and keys.

A part of me knows I'm acting insane.

But another part of me needs to know she's okay. I need to know the disturbed images of my mind are unwarranted.

"Dave, I promise I'll explain everything later. But I need to see her. Now."

He nods his head. "Go. I'm fine."

I give him an appreciative glance before rushing out the door. I registered Alli sleeping on the couch and I'm grateful she wasn't awake for my interaction with Dave. I grab the hood of my jacket and lift it to cover my head.

I walk at a brisk pace and I'm sure I reach Clare's house in record time.

I knock on the door urgently.

_Please be okay. Please be okay._

The door swings open and I hear Clare sigh in relief as I look down at the ground. "I've been so worried. I was beginning to think you wouldn't show up."

I close my eyes and thank the God I don't believe in that Clare is standing in front of me in one piece. Much more alive than the Clare in my nightmare.

I look up at her for the first time and her breath hitches. "What happened?" She pulls me into the house and closes the door behind her.

She tugs my hood off and lightly brushes my bruising cheek. I wince at her touch.

I open my mouth to explain, but nothing comes out.

"Never mind," she states. "Go sit down. I'll get some ice."

I nod absentmindedly as I walk towards the couch. I shrug off my pack and sit on the ground next to it. I lean my back against the foot of the couch. I close my eyes and take in a few deep breaths to calm myself down. _She's okay. Clare isn't hurt._

I open my eyes when she appears in front of me. She sinks to the ground and sits on her knees to my side. Quietly, she reaches up and gently puts the towel holding the ice against my burning cheek. It immediately has a calming effect.

Clare and I remain silent as she focuses on my injury. I can't help but stare at her. I know how it feels to lose her now. And _nothing_, absolutely nothing has ever felt worse.

I want to pull her to me. I want to escape from the image that I know will forever anchor itself in my mind.

I reach up and brush my fingertips against her cheek. She glances up at me before looking back at my cheek. I cup her face as I lean towards her.

I brush my lips against hers softly and delight in the sensation it sends throughout my body. Much better than the anxiety I felt earlier when I kissed her. I look up and notice her eyes have shut as she relishes in my touch. But just as I close my own eyes and bring my lips back to hers, Clare pushes against my chest softly.

I open my eyes and look at her curiously.

"Eli…" She trails off at a loss for words.

I know. I owe her an explanation.

I lean back against the couch as I take in a deep breath.

"There's been a lot on my mind today," I start as she listens to me intently. "A-And I needed rest. Bad idea," I shake my head as I feel myself slowly lose hold of my control on my thoughts. "I-I saw things." I swallow the lump in my throat as the images of my nightmare rush into my mind. "I've never felt so in pain," I feel my eyes burn as I stare straight ahead of me. "I had asked Dave to wake me if I didn't on my own because I wanted to see you tonight. He was shaking me awake," I feel a small trail of moisture make its way down my cheek. "And I t-thought…my senses didn't know…I attacked him. I thought he was the asshole in my mind. But he's my best friend," I bring up a hand and rub my forehead. "I was relentless. He had no choice." I gesture to my cheek.

Realization dawns on Clare. "Dave was the one that hit you."

I nod my head in shame. "D-Do you remember the day I hate a cut lip?" I ask her.

She nods silently.

I swallow against the inconceivably large lump that has taken root in my throat. "I saw Julia that night," I confess to Clare. I know what I'm about to tell her is going to hurt to hear, but I _need_ Clare to know. "I was holding her. W-We were kissing." I purposefully keep my gaze off Clare not needing to watch her reaction to this. "And they shot her. I couldn't do anything. I-I just watched. And Clare, I-I thought nothing…It was so painful; I never thought I could feel worse. I literally had her blood on my hands."

I stop speaking as I suck in a breath and turn to Clare. I notice the pain in her expression. This can't be easy for her to listen to.

"I was wrong," I whisper to her as I shake my head at the memories in my mind. "It was you tonight." I feel myself lose my last control on my emotions as my lip quivers. "I was with you and…you're supposed to be safe with me. It happened so fast, Clare. I'm sorry. I couldn't…" I trail off.

"Eli, you're not making any sense." Clare tells me softly.

I know my thoughts are jumping back and forth as I snatch onto random ones floating through my mind. I know they're incomprehensible, but I can't seem to think straight. "Damn it, Clare!" I yell. "You got hurt. I watched you d-die. And I never thought anything could feel worse than losing Julia, but I was proved wrong tonight. I attacked my best friend! My fucking best friend, Clare!" My breath comes out in shallow gasps. I bring up a hand and clench at my hair. "I can't go through that. I can't lose you."

"You're not going to," Clare assures me.

I bury my face in my hands and let the sobs overtake my body.

"I'm so sorry," I repeat to her. "I'm so sorry."

"Shhh," Clare's soft voice sounds through my crazed senses as she wraps her arms around me. "It's okay, Eli."

"What the fuck is wrong with me, Clare?" I ask aloud as I grab onto her for support.

She doesn't respond to my question, only holds me tighter.

"And what if this happens when you're around?" I voice my greatest concern since hearing Dr. Kalat's story. "You can't fight me back like Dave can. What if I h-hurt you?"

A few moments later, I feel her soft lips leave a lingering kiss on my now swollen cheek.

She whispers into my ear similar words to the ones she said in my dream. Words I can't find in myself to believe.

"I'm safe, Eli. I'll always be safe with you."

**And there you have it my dears! Please do let me know your thoughts on poor Eli's breakdown. :( I definitely shed a few tears when writing this one. I hope you guys liked the chapter! Have a lovely day and I'll see you guys at the next update! Love you all! Bye! :)**


	22. Chapter 22

**Hello everyone! I hope you're all having a lovely day so far. In lieu of 12C coming up, I thought an update was in order. And with all those promos screwing with our minds, I needed some Eclare to get me through until Friday. A quick thank you for your continuous support of this story. It's been a great journey so far and it's a story that I absolutely love writing. So it makes me very glad to hear that you guys are enjoying it as well. So let's get back to these two lovebirds that we all adore so much! Enjoy! :)**

I don't know how long Clare and I remain in this same position. My arms cling to her tightly as I pull her as close to me as possible. Her arms wrap around my shoulders in a strong grip as if she also needs an anchor. She's holding me as if she's afraid I'll vanish any moment.

And I'm holding her to me in fear that I already have.

The Elijah Goldsworthy that Clare Edwards has revived the past month or so is not the same man who has her wrapped in his arms right now.

I want to be him. I want the hope and happiness that comes with being that person. I want to overcome.

But anytime I feel like I'm making progress, I take ten steps back. Whenever I feel myself getting better, I fail again. As soon as I begin to gain control of my feelings and emotions, I spiral back into the terror of my memories. A part of me feels like I've been lying to myself.

I've seen other men learn to keep themselves healthy after only six sessions with their therapist.

I've been to twelve.

And what do I have to show for it?

A cut on Clare's upper arm.

A best friend who I could have beat pretty damn harshly if I wasn't stopped.

A bruised and swollen cheek.

Nothing positive.

I'm so fucking tired of trying and failing. I thought if I applied myself and remained determined, things would take a turn for the better. But they haven't. In fact, if possible, they've gotten worse.

"You know when I first saw you," Clare's soft voice breaks through the silence. "I had no idea what you were going through. You put on such a front that no one could have guessed. And even when you let me get close to you, everything about you was a mystery to me." Reluctantly, I loosen my grip as she pulls slightly away from me. My gaze meets hers and there is nothing but warmth and love in her expression. "But look at you now. You're open about your emotions. You're not concealing your pain anymore. Do you realize how strong of a person you have to be to have the courage to confront what is happening inside of you? Not many people can."

I scoff at her words as I turn away from her. "Clare, please don't praise me for my actions today. I don't deserve that." I reach for her arms and pull them to break their hold on me. She retracts them back into her lap quietly. I bring up my knees and wrap my arms around them. I remain silent as I swallow against the still present lump in my throat. "Just thinking about what I could have done to Dave..." I trail off.

"But you didn't, Eli."

"That's only because he fought back. If he hadn't, I don't know what I would have done to him."

"You wouldn't have done what you're thinking, Eli. I know who you are. You wouldn't."

"Clare," I state sternly. "What part of this are you not understanding? Every damn thing in my mind isn't real! When I attacked Dave, I thought I was attacking the man who..." I trail off as I fist my hand and slam the ground next to me. "I saw him as the man who k-killed you. And I would never let _anyone_ lay a hand on you, Clare. This man that my mind made up did more than that. He took away the single, most important person in my life. That's all I saw. I didn't see Dave. I saw that bastard. But I grabbed and pushed Dave. Not the man in my mind. I was going to punish Dave for another man's actions. A man who doesn't even exist." I turn my face away from Clare. "Nothing that I see is real."

We remain quiet and still for a little while as my words hang in the air. That's the most terrifying part of my illness. I won't know if what I see is truly there or if it is an image my mind conjured up. And what if I physically attack Clare one day? I mean what I said. I would make anyone who dared lay a hand on my girl pay. I have to hold myself to those same standards. This protective feeling I have over Clare relates to me as well. If I'm going to keep her safe from others, I need to keep her safe from myself. Before I have chance to tell her my thoughts, she reaches over and turns my face to her.

"I'm real," she tells me gently as her eyes hold mine. She grabs one of my hands and grasps it tightly. "This is real."

It's unfathomable to me how patient Clare is. I can't believe that she truly is real. People like her don't exist.

"Sometimes I find that hard to believe," I whisper.

She furrows her brows together in confusion. "What do you mean?"

I squeeze her hand. "There are times when I can't believe that you're actually here. I can't believe that you're choosing to be with me. I can't believe the little I can offer you is enough to keep you here." I shake my head to myself. "I feel as if you're just something else my mind made up. But this time my mind made something to make my life better; something to counter all the dark images."

Clare lets go of the hand she's holding and moves to place her hand atop mine. I look up at her in question as to what she is doing. She brings our joined hands to rest on her free wrist. And at a slow pace, Clare begins to move our hands up her arm. I feel the goosebumps rise on her skin as our hands follow the trail she's planned. I feel the soft planes of her shoulder and dip into the small hollow next to her neck. She continues to move our hands until I've cupped her cheek before letting go. I keep my hand against her soft skin.

"Did that feel real?" She asks me.

I nod my head silently.

"That's because I am. And I won't disappear. Although sometimes, _I_ feel like _you_ will. Sometimes I feel like you're going to wake up one morning and decide this isn't for you. That I'm not for you." She shrugs her shoulders. "Sometimes I worry that you'll make the decision for me."

I furrow my brows together in confusion at her last statement.

"I feel like you're going to leave me because you don't think I'm safe with you," she clarifies. It doesn't surprise me that Clare already knows the thoughts swimming around in my mind.

I clear my throat as I hold her cheek a little tighter. "I meant what I said earlier. You mean everything to me. But if I feel like I'm compromising your safety -"

"That's not your choice to make," she whispers as she cuts me off. I want to counter her words, but I guess I'm just another selfish human being. Walking away from Clare would be the hardest thing I'd ever had to do and I'm not sure I could do that. My only choice is to work my fucking ass off to ensure that what happened tonight doesn't happen again. If I can prove to myself that Clare is safe around me, then I can talk myself into staying with her. Since leaving her isn't an option, I need to do everything in my power to not give myself a reason to. "I need you to do something for me, Eli." Her voice comes out vulnerably; much different from the calm, confident tone she's held so far.

"Anything, Clare. You know that."

She leans into my palm and closes her eyes. "I've had a list of men leave my life," she pauses for a moment. "Don't become one of them."

I feel parts of my own heart chisel away and break at her words. I've seen Clare cry, but the tone of her voice right now may just be worse. She sounds exhausted from the pain and memory of her dad leaving and there not being a stable relationship in her life. And I know I'd do anything to make sure she doesn't feel that again.

I bring up my other hand in order to cup her face. I rub my thumbs across her soft cheekbones. "Hey," I call to her softly, but she refuses to open her eyes and look at me. I can feel her shaking slightly. I know that the way I've acted today has scared her. I've been very distant and hell, just a few minutes ago I was convincing myself to walk out of her life for good. Her fears are warranted. But if I am going to be with Clare, then I not only have a duty to protect her, but I have a responsibility to make sure she's happy. And although I can't understand exactly how I fit into that category, I seem to have the ability to make Clare happy. Just as I watch Dave's back when we're on the battlefront, I need to watch Clare's here. I need to be there for Clare the same way I've been there for the men fighting alongside me. I need to be ready to lay it all down for her, to sacrifice whatever I need to so she is happy.

"Clare Edwards," I whisper softly as I scoot closer to her. I brush a single tear that has managed to escape her closed eyelids. "I'm not going anywhere," I tell her gently. She just nods her head slowly in response. I realize words won't cut it right now so I pull her head down and rest her forehead on my shoulder. I wrap my arms gently around her as her hands rest on my chest and I place a soft kiss atop her head.

"You know when I first saw you," I start the same way she did earlier. "I had never seen anything more beautiful in my life. After months and months of seeing nothing but war and devastation, you were a site for sore eyes." I chuckle a little at the memory. "But it wasn't just that. You had a warmth about you and no matter what I did, I couldn't stop myself from feeling for you. I tried, believe me I tried. I didn't think I deserved you, but ever since day one, you've believed in me." I reach down and lift her chin so she can look at me as I speak my next words. "Whenever I forget or lose sight of who I am, you remind me. Today, I came here very lost and confused. But Clare, I've been like that for a long time. You've helped me see who it is I want to be. From the moment we've met, you've given me a reason to become a better man. Do you understand how grateful I am for that?"

Clare stares back at me for a few moments before she lifts her arms and wraps them around my neck tightly. I feel the moisture of her tears against my cheek and as much as it kills me when she cries, I remain quiet and let her.

We remain in our embrace for a couple of silent minutes before she pulls away. I watch her intently as she reaches up and touches the swollen cheek that I've long forgotten. I turn my head and place a chaste kiss against her palm. "Don't worry about it," I whisper in an attempt to keep the soft tranquility around us. "It doesn't hurt anymore."

She doesn't seem to believe me, but is satisfied enough to turn her attention back to me. I take in a deep breath as I await her next move. Clare shifts in my arms and I immediately register what position she wants to be in. I stretch out my legs and she rests between them as I pull her back into my chest. My hands rest gently on her stomach as she brings hers to cover mine. My chin finds it place on her shoulder and I place a gentle kiss to her cheek in a comforting prod for her to tell me what is on her mind.

And after a few more minutes, that is exactly what she does. Her words not only surprise me, but wrap me in her warmth in a way I've never been before.

"When my parents split," she states in a low tone. "I thought it was the end of the world as I knew it. Everything I believed in was questioned. I was raised to believe marriage is a sacrament to be cherished, but my parents seemed to have thrown that all away. I was raised to believe sex before marriage is a sin, and yet my mom wouldn't return home until the early hours of the morning after a date. I was raised to believe that only good will come to those who love God. That's what the Bible teaches, but here I am with my life was falling apart. At that moment, I couldn't find it in myself to have faith in anything that I used to. It didn't seem to apply to my life anymore. I was lost and alone," she pauses as she gathers her thoughts. I wrap my arms tightly around her and give her a quick squeeze letting her know I'm here and listening. She rubs a thumb along my skin in response. "But I got through it. I grew from it. I felt like a completely different person, but I realized that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I was being cultivated into who I was meant to be. And after the...internship incident, I had to question a lot about who I was again just I was beginning to reconnect with my faith. At first, I couldn't believe that another curveball was thrown at me. I doubted God. I doubted myself. I didn't understand why I was chosen to go through everything I had. And it took me a long time to realize why. It took me a while, but I came to understand that everything I went through shaped the person I am today. Struggling through all those moments in my life made me stronger and it gave me the ability to be patient and caring with others. I can honestly say that I am proud of the person I've become."

When she stops speaking, I can't find any words to respond to her with simply because I'm in awe about everything she is. She is intellectual and kind. She is strong and inspiring. Dr. Kalat was right. I am a _very_ lucky man.

"What I'm trying to say with all this is that, although it wasn't easy, I got through it. I became an even better version of myself than I was before it. Ever since then, I've become a strong believer in the notion that everything happens for a reason. So, Eli, as selfish as this may sound, I'm going to say it. I'm grateful for what you're going through. I'm grateful for the day you and Dave were shot. I'm grateful that they held you on this particular base for therapy. Because Eli, if it wasn't for all that, I never would have met you. If you weren't shot and if you hadn't have had to stay here all these weeks for sessions while I was here writing my article, I don't think we would be together right now." She turns slightly and leans her body against my chest in a sideways position as she holds my arm to her tightly. "And I don't _ever_ want to picture a life without you."

_And how exactly am I supposed to respond to that? _Words don't seem adequate enough so I do all I really can. I wrap her tighter in my arms and hold her to me in a close embrace.

"And about what happened today," Clare continues. "I want you to know that you may slip sometimes. No one is holding that against you, but yourself. I know you'll get through this. I'm sure of it because Eli, you can do anything. Even if you don't know it yet, I do."

Not being able to abstain from it any longer, I turn Clare to face me and connect my lips with hers. I try to keep our kisses soft and slow, but after our openness and vulnerability with each other, I can't hold myself back. I grab Clare's waist and after pulling away, I slowly push her backwards until her back softly makes contact with the ground. Bringing my body atop hers, I reconnect our lips by crushing mine onto hers. I try and relay all the emotions running through my body to her through our moving lips. She tightly grips my cheeks in response and, if possible, brings my face even closer to hers. I rest my weight onto my left forearm as I grab her right leg and lift it. Clare immediately bends her knee and rests her bottom leg against my thigh and tangles our legs together. I bring my hand under her thigh and caress the skin through her thin black leggings.

She opens her mouth slightly and I take this opportunity to massage my tongue against hers. Before, I would feel a little hesitancy from Clare when we would get more intimate like this, but today it seems as if she wants me just as much as I want her. As our lips are moving together with a familiarity that I wouldn't expect from only meeting her a little while ago, I let my right hand wander up her leg to her midsection. Taking a risk, I play with the hem of the shirt she is wearing and smile against her lips when I can't believe it took me this long to recognize something. When she doesn't seem to protest against my wandering fingers, I slip my hand under the familiar Dead Hand t-shirt and caress the soft skin there. I don't try and roam where my hand would probably not be accepted. Instead, I just rub my thumb lovingly against the skin of her stomach as I bring my lips to her neck. She moans softly in response as I kiss the skin there before sucking on it gently.

Knowing I won't be able to stop myself if we continue, I release her skin and bring my lips back up to hers. I give her a soft peck before pulling away. Her eyes flutter open and she gives me a shy smile through her rapid breathing. I retract my hand from under the shirt before lifting it to her face. I push her bangs away from the eyes that mesmerized me from the first moment I saw her and place a gentle kiss to her forehead. I sit back up and return to my previous position leaning against the couch. She joins me and instead of turning her back to me, she crawls up into my lap and leans her cheek against my chest. I reach up and tuck a strand of her curls that escaped her hair tie behind her ear.

"You know that's my shirt," I tease her.

She giggles. "It's mine now."

I reach under her chin and bring her gaze up to me. "Just like I am," I tell her in as genuine of a tone as I can.

She responds by giving me a soft, quick kiss before cuddling into my chest again. We remain silent and I realize it's getting late. But knowing Alli was asleep back at my place before I left, I figure I'd stay with Clare so she won't have to stay alone for the night.

"Would it be alright if I spent the night?" I ask her.

She nods her head. "I'm very comfortable in this position," her voice is laced with sleep. I chuckle a little at the sound. "Don't go."

I kiss the top of her head in response. "Thank you for calming me down from my anxiety earlier," I say as I grab a blanket from the couch behind us and wrap it around her. "I know it wasn't easy."

She turns her head and places a kiss against the fabric on my chest. "I'm just glad I could help."

I smile to myself. "Get some rest. Goodnight, Clare."

I feel her hand reach out from under the blanket and grab mine. "Goodnight, Eli."

A little while later, Clare's soft breathing relays to me that she is in fact asleep. I reach for my pack next me and quietly grab my phone from an open pocket. I send a quick text to Dave telling him that I'll be staying with Clare tonight and that I'm doing better.

Not risking something happening if I do in fact fall asleep, I occupy myself by playing with the curls hanging from the tie in her hair with my free hand and let my thoughts wander.

I had the worst nightmare I've had since returning from war. I lost the girl sleeping soundlessly in my arms. And it felt like pure hell.

But that same girl was able to fight away all the self-deprecating thoughts that threatened to consume me afterwards. In reality, she's right here with me. She listened to me as I relayed everything to her and no matter how hard it must have been to hear about my nightmares with Julia, Clare didn't hold it against me.

I never thought I was capable of the feelings that I've been developing for Clare from the beginning. I saw myself as a murderer. Not only of Julia, but of all those I had to fight at war so I could live. But every step I've taken has led me to her. And she's changed everything. Clare's given me a whole new identity. One that I can see myself being proud of.

As I glance down at Clare fast asleep in my arms, of one thing I am damn sure of.

I, Elijah Goldsworthy, am in love with Clare Edwards.

**The ending had me smiling. :) I hope you all liked this chapter and that it was worth the wait! Thanks for reading and please do be so kind as to leave me your thoughts in that lovely looking box below. I appreciate all your feedback more than you know! But just, um, prepare yourselves for the next few chapters, okay? Okay, cool. Anyways, enjoy the premiere of 12C on Friday! I can't wait to see how everything pans out. I love you all! Bye! :)**


	23. Chapter 23

**Hello my wonderful readers! :) I know this update took longer than most and my apologies for that. I was planning to update, but not only did school decide to get a little crazy, but Bittersweet Symphony definitely had me on a mini writing hiatus. And now that my shock has blown over (but seriously, how beautifully tragic was that episode?), I have a new chapter for you all. Again, I'd really like to take this moment to thank you all for taking the time to leave me such kind, sweet words that truly motivate me when I sit down to write. This story is dedicated to all of you because without you, I'm not sure how far I could have gone with this one. You truly are the best readers a girl could ever ask for! I just hope you all enjoy this chapter! :)**

I remember once reading something that puzzled me greatly.

The words were written by a woman I have admired for quite some time now. A woman who wrote novels that I've read countless times.

_The very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably gone._

I've never doubted or questioned Jane Austen. But after reading those words, I remember stepping away for a moment from the books that have proven to be my escape on more than one occasion. Despite what some may believe, how is it possible to lose yourself to someone you don't know? It's unrealistic, isn't it? It must be another one of those moments that can only happen in books and movies. Something that takes place in the fairy tales that I felt myself give up on after my parents gave up on theirs.

But now I'm thinking maybe Jane knew a thing or two about a thing or two. After all, she was pretty badass for publishing in a time and place where women weren't admired for the power and imagination of their minds. And she knew that. So every word she cultivated into a plot must hold significance.

She meant what she wrote.

And I may not have understood it at the time, but looking back at it now, I realize she was right.

Jane wasn't discussing what is commonly known today as "love at first sight". She was referring to that one crucial moment when you first see a person and a part of you just _knows _they will one day become someone to you. It's inevitable. Whether you choose to or not, your heart will one day be theirs. It may not, in fact it _will_ not, be at that precise moment. But down the line, sometime in the future, you'll be involved with that person in a way you haven't been before.

I know this to be true because I've experienced it.

As soon as I laid eyes on Eli, something took root inside me. I'm not sure what it was, but it has drawn me to him and has made me want to be with him since that first day we met. No matter what doubts I've had about our relationship, fate has unyieldingly taken its course.

So yes. From the first moment I beheld Eli, I began walking down a one-way path straight to him.

A part of me always knew this would happen.

And now, after that night he broke down in front of me, all of me does.

It's been one week since Eli came over with a bruised cheek and finally laid it all for me to see. He finally opened up to me about his true emotions. I not only heard about his feelings, but I saw them escape from inside him through his expression and in the form of the salty tears falling from his eyes.

I've tried to show Eli that although a loss of innocence isn't retractable, he still has admirable qualities. I think, when it comes down to it, Eli feels unworthy of what he has: parents who undoubtedly love him, loyal friends, a supportive girlfriend. What he refuses to see is how much of him reciprocates the love, loyalty, and support he gets from everyone else.

Fortunately, since that night, it seems Eli has been more accepting of this. It's almost as if he needed to break down, _really_ break down, before he'd be able to build himself back up. Over the past few days, I've seen an openness to him. A confidence that I haven't seen with him before. And it makes me feel two things.

For one, I am nothing but proud of him for it. If I was to use one word to describe the man I've come to care so much for, it would be inspiring. He's had his struggles and he's still here. He pushes himself everyday to get healthier. He hasn't given up.

But the other thing I feel is guilt. I feel completely guilty for keeping my secret from him for so long. If I was being honest with myself, there have been countless opportunities when I could have just told him. Times when I should have turned to him and told him that I wrote an article based on this whole experience. An article that perhaps relays more about him than he would like. An article that I have kept up a lie about this whole time.

An article that got published.

I haven't told Eli about that yet. It got published in Friday's edition yesterday. My mom called to congratulate me. Alli embraced me a million times in excitement. Jake texted me telling me, and I quote, "Rock on, sis! Your article is mind-blowing!" I assume he was skating around on his roller blades under the influence as he sent it to me. I let Dave read it and he was pretty indifferent about the situation. And I don't blame him. I've been asking him to lie to his friend. Nevertheless, he was happy for me as well. Marianne called later that day with details about my new position at the newspaper starting as part-time and reaching full-time as soon as I officially graduate. I've been taking two online courses this semester to complete the final requirements. I've worked my butt of at university so I can graduate early. It's paid off.

And yet, it's not as exciting as I thought it would be.

I know exactly why.

Eli's been nothing but honest with me. He's almost been _too_ honest with me.

After all, what current girlfriend wants to sit and listen to her boyfriend talk about how he's kissed his ex in his nightmares. If you haven't been in that situation, consider yourself lucky. _Because it sucks._

The only reason Eli bringing up the pain he felt when Julia died in his nightmares hasn't brought me down as much as it would have, is the fact that he followed it with how he saw me that night. And he explicitly told me that losing me hurt deeper than it did when it was _her_.

I know its wrong to be jealous of someone who has been robbed of a life, but I can't help myself. With all my past experiences - they only fuel my paranoia and trust issues. I know neither Eli nor Julia has done anything to deserve me feeling this way, but I can't stop.

And it just makes all this that much more wrong. Here's Eli - an open book to me. Here's me - a devout keeper of secrets.

So I know what I have to do. I have to be honest with him just as he has with me. I owe him that.

"Can I ask you a question?" I look up and meet his green eyes as we stand in front of my door.

"Depends. What's the question?" He smirks in reply.

I roll my eyes jokingly before lifting the hand he isn't holding and touch the guitar pick necklace he always wears. "What's the story behind this?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "I've had it for as long as I can remember. My parents got it for me."

I nod my head as I eye the necklace. "It feels weird if you don't have it on, right?" I think back to all the times I've walked out the door without my ever-present necklace and ring. I've always returned to get them. Something always felt off without them.

He chuckles lightly. "I wouldn't know. I've never taken it off."

My eyes widen. "Wow," I whisper. "It's always with you." I look up at him with a smile. "Should I be jealous?"

He laughs humorously as he shakes his head. "Jealous is one thing you should never be," he reassures me before lifting my chin and touching his lips to mine. I smile against them as his words fight away all my nagging thoughts from earlier. I let go of his hand and wrap my arms around his neck as he grips my waist and pulls me closer to him. I pull away much too quickly for either of our liking, but sometimes all I want is to hug him. Sometimes, I just want to relish in the peace and safety of being in his arms. I don't want to ever take it for granted.

"This is nice," I whisper softly. I smile as his arms give me a quick squeeze in response. After a few more moments, I pull back and look up at him. I remember the expression he's wearing. He wore it when we were standing in this same spot all those days ago after he opened up to me about Julia and his reasons for enlisting. The rain was coming down around us and created a natural musical background as it hit the hard cement. The depth in his expression relays how much he really does care about me. There is nothing but naked love in his eyes. I feel a shiver run down my spine at the sight.

Not knowing what to say, I lift myself up on my toes and reconnect our lips again. I let Eli lead me back a few steps as he gently pushes me against the door. I bring one hand to cup his cheek as I rub my thumb against the skin there. Just as Eli angles his head to deepen our kiss, a voice I was not expecting to hear sounds through our embrace.

"Well that's a sight I never wanted to see."

I pull back from Eli as my eyes widen in shock. I turn to the row of cars in the parking lot. "Jake!" I exclaim, slightly out of breath from kissing Eli. I smile as another figure exits his car.

"It's not as bad as what we put her through. Don't be too hard on her," Katie laughs as she grabs Jake's hand and they walk towards us.

Eli moves beside me and places his arm around my waist automatically. We've gotten to the point where small touches of affection are natural between us.

"What are you guys doing here?" I ask them once they start getting closer to us.

I hear Eli chuckle beside me. "Clare, do you ever greet people?"

I playfully glare at him as I grab his hand and remove his arm from my waist. He gasps before grabbing me with both arms and pulling me to his chest tightly.

"Hey, I was just kidding," he whispers in my ear from behind me for only us to hear.

I scoff at him and shake my head playfully. I grab his hands on my stomach and give them a quick squeeze before walking away from him and embracing Jake and Katie.

"We promised we would visit and since we both had two free days, we decided to come and surprise you," Katie explains. "Although, I think we're the ones that were surprised." She teases.

I blush at her words before turning to Eli. "Jake, Katie. This is Eli."

Eli walks forward and shakes hands with Jake. "So you're the one my sister is head over heels for."

"Jake!" I exclaim in embarrassment and slight nervousness because Jake isn't aware that I'm withholding the article from Eli. I pray Katie's already told him so he doesn't give anything away.

They all laugh at my response. Eli glances over at me. "I hope so," he states.

I sneak a look at him and give him a small smile. _Have I mentioned how much I adore this guy?_

"You know how much I love the outdoors, Clare. But aren't you going to let us in?" Jake teases.

I shake my head to bring myself back to the scene. "Right, come on in." I turn towards the door and grab my keys to unlock it. We all usher inside and Jake immediately makes his way to the kitchen. I register Eli dropping his pack off at the foot of the stairs.

"Got anything to eat?" I hear my brother ask me.

I furrow my brows in humor. "Jake, are you ever not hungry?"

He walks back into the living room with a sandwich from the fridge. He looks up as if thinking really hard about the answer. "Nope," he responds as he shakes his head. He takes a seat next to Katie on the couch. I eye the couch skeptically for a quick second.

"Go ahead and sit," I hear Eli speak up from behind me. "I'll grab a chair from the table."

I ponder over this rapidly before shaking my head. I grab his hand and gesture to him to sit on the couch. He does so as he wears a look of confusion. I smile as I move and take my normal, familiar place on his lap.

I hear Jake groan beside us. "You guys are one of _those_ couples, aren't you?"

"Yeah, shut up," I respond as I push against his shoulder causing him to drop his sandwich.

He throws both his hands up. "Oh, come on. I was just kidding. No need for that."

I chuckle as I lean against Eli while he wraps his arm around my waist securely.

"So Eli," Katie speaks up. "We've heard about you, but Clare's been pretty mysterious about it all. Care to enlighten us on your whirlwind romance?" She jokes.

Jake turns to look at her. "Really?" He whispers loudly. "What makes you think I want to hear more about my little sister's love life?"

I scoff at his words and try to play his comment it off. "First of all, we're sitting right here. We can hear you. And second of all, I've had to hear plenty about yours. So deal with it," I fire back.

He glances at Katie for support, but she only glares at him with a look that makes him turn to me and Eli and say in a high-pitched girly voice, "Like, tell us everything!"

I close my eyes in embarrassment, but it seems as if Eli is enjoying himself because I can hear his low chuckle against me. So for the next couple of hours, the four of us catch up and I can't help but take certain moments to smile at the scene. It all seems so _complete_. Jake and his girlfriend sitting around and joking with me and my boyfriend. _Just as it should be_.

And for a couple of hours, I'm able to forget about how I was determined to tell Eli about the article today. But when Alli and Dave come knocking on the door, the look Alli gives me reminds me.

"Did you tell him yet?" She whispers to me in the doorway as she takes off her jacket.

I shake my head. "I was planning on it, but Jake and Katie showed up."

"Well, you better tell him soon, alright? I can't stay quiet anymore. He's my best friend, Clare." Dave states. "It's not right."

I turn to him with a pleading expression. "I know. And I'm sorry I'm asking you to do that. I promise I will soon."

He just nods his head silently before walking into the living room where everyone else is.

"Don't be mad at Dave," Alli tells me quietly. "He's just really worried about Eli."

"He has every right to be," I respond. "Eli's been doing so well this week. He's been so healthy. I'm so scared that telling him will tip the balance in the wrong direction."

She touches my arm softly. "The Clare I know does the right thing. Don't worry."

I nod before we join the others.

And as much fun as this whole day has been, I can't find it in myself to fully enjoy it. What Dave and Alli said was a huge wake-up call. I excuse myself as I make my way upstairs and walk into my bedroom. I grab a copy of the published newspaper from my bed. I scan over it and before I can stop it, a rush of pride comes over me. Regardless of the circumstances this article was written in and the negativity I've been feeling, I just got published in a newspaper.

And it wasn't because my boss was sick and wanted more than just words on a page from me.

It was because of my own merit. It's my own accomplishment.

I owe it to the frightened girl who ran out of the offices at The Interpreter that night so long ago to take a moment and be proud of where I've made it.

I hear a knock on my bedroom door and I quickly stuff the newspaper into my purse. "Come in!" I call out nervously.

The door opens and Eli smiles at me before closing it behind him. "What are you doing up here alone?" He asks.

I shrug my shoulders and respond as nonchalantly as I can with the nerves running through my body. "I may or may not be packing some clothes to spend the night at your place..." I trail off as I bite my lip. I know neither of us expects certain _things_ to happen, but we've only spent the night together once and that was after he had a break down. _  
_

His eyes widen. "And where is this coming from?" He asks me.

"It's just - Katie and Jake will need a place to stay. So will Alli and Dave. And I want alone time with you. I figure the four of them can take my place and I can come over?" I ask hesitantly in a soft whisper.

He nods his head silently. "Of course. You're always welcome to stay at Hotel Eli. You'll find we have superb customer service."

I cross my arms. "Is that so?" I ask him as I play along.

His hands make there way to their home on my waist as he pulls me closer to him. "We cater to each individual," he pauses as he leans down and kisses the side of my neck. "In a way that makes them feel," his lips trail up against my skin to my cheek where he delivers another kiss. "Like they're the only customer we care about." He places a soft kiss against my lips. "Because they _are_ the only customer we care about," he whispers as he brushes his lips against mine.

My breath hitches at his actions. I close my eyes and swallow to regain my composure. "H-How much per night?" I ask him.

He smirks at me when I open my eyes. _Clearly pleased with the effect he has on me_. "It's a four star hotel," he glances up as he thinks. "So I'm thinking it's going to cost you one _very_ steamy make out session," I blush at his words. "And a night of your time, preferably in my arms. What do you say, Edwards?"

I clear my throat. "W-Where can I place a reservation?"

About an hour later, Eli and I walk hand-in-hand back to his residence on the base. Luckily, all day, none of our friends spoke up about the article currently in my purse. And equally good, Jake didn't oppose to me spending the night over at Eli's as I expected him to. He just gave me a certain look that relayed to me to be careful, which I always am. Plus, I trust Eli - with _everything_. Including my body, when the time comes for that.

"So I was thinking," I speak up and break the silence we've been enjoying.

"Should I be worried?" He teases.

I scoff at him before pushing him away. "Well, if you're going to be mean, I guess I can walk right back the way I came." I turn around as I glare at him playfully and begin walking back to my apartment. As I expected, he quickly grabs my hand and pulls me back to him.

"You'll miss your reservation," he tells me. "There is a cancellation fee."

"And exactly how much is that going to cost me?" I ask him as I feign frustration.

He smirks at me as he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. He bends down and whispers in my ear, "A striptease."

My cheeks immediately flare at his comment. I pull back from him, but refuse to meet his gaze. I simply turn towards the base and keep walking.

I hear him laugh behind me as he jogs a couple of steps to catch up to me. "Damn. Wasted opportunity," he comments before wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

I just ignore him and continue to stare at the ground in front of me. I feel him squeeze my shoulder.

"Clare? I was just kidding," he tells me worriedly.

My head snaps up to him. "No, no, no," I respond quickly. "I'm not upset. Just a little embarrassed," I confess to him.

He rubs his hand up and down my arm. "It's just me. There's no need to be embarrassed."

I offer him a small smile before snuggling closer to his side as we walk. "I know," I tell him. "It just caught me off guard is all."

He decides to divert the conversation. "So you were thinking," he reminds me.

"Right," I acknowledge. "I was thinking maybe we could try something."

"And what exactly are you proposing?"

We stop walking when we reach his door. Eli fishes his keys from his pocket and opens the door for me. I walk inside and turn to him as he puts both his pack and my small duffel bag down. "You don't have to, but I was thinking we could try to lessen your dependence on your backpack," I say softly as I nod to its place by his feet.

His face immediately tightens. I watch his Adam's apple bob as he swallows nervously. "Clare, I don't -"

"Just give it one try," I cut him off. I put my purse down on the coffee table in front of the couch before walking over to him. I grab both his hands in mine. "You deserve to be healthy, Eli. So let's face your fear together. Let's just try."

He closes his eyes and looks down. I feel him grab my hands a little tighter as he contemplates my words. I rest my head against his shoulder and place a chaste kiss on his neck. "You can do this," I whisper to him. "I believe in you."

He lifts his head up at my words and looks straight at me. He purses his lips before nodding his head silently. I take in a deep breath and turn back towards the doorway. I let go of one of his hands and turn the knob. The cold air of the oncoming night covers us. I shiver slightly before pulling Eli with me as I take a few steps out the door.

I pause when we reach the end of the porch steps and turn to him. He's looking straight in front of him, but he doesn't say a word. I take that as compliance so I continue to move a few steps at a time as we slowly make our way further from the pack. Eli's hand grips mine in a tight hold relentlessly as I'm sure he's fighting all the anxiety building up around him.

We make our way to the sidewalk - the furthest Eli has ever been from his pack. I tug his arm and slowly, we start walking down the street in the same direction we came. Just when I want to smile at the progress we've made, Eli stops dead in his tracks.

He looks frightened.

I reach up and turn his face to me. "Eli?" I ask quietly.

He shakes his head as he releases my hand. "I-I'm sorry, Clare. I c-can't," he frantically responds before turning around and running back towards his place.

I feel my shoulders slump and my eyes sting as I watch his retreating figure. I myself can't fully comprehend it. To anyone, it's just a pack. But in a sense, I understand where his mind is coming from. When at war, a soldier's pack holds everything they'll need to survive, including food and emergency aid. So in a way, it makes sense that Eli feels this way when he isn't with his pack. He feels if something goes wrong, he won't have the necessary tools to protect himself, or those with him.

I sigh before making my way back to his place. I walk inside and close the door behind me. My eyes immediately find him sitting on the couch; his elbows resting on his knees as he hides his face in his hands. I make my way over to him and kneel on the floor next to his legs.

"I failed," his rough voice sounds out to me.

"This was our first time trying," I tell him softly. After a few moments of silence, I speak up again. "What can I do?"

I watch as he rubs his face with his hands while shrugging his shoulders. He turns to me and drops his hands before leaning back against the couch. I place my hands on his knee and rest my chin on them as I look up at him expectantly. He reaches over and grabs my arm to pull me up towards him. I take a seat next to his place on the couch and wrap my arms around his torso. I feel an arm rest against my back as his free hand cups my cheek.

"This," he whispers into my hair as he places a quick kiss atop my head.

I hug him to me tighter as I rest my head against his chest.

I'm not sure how long we remained in that position as I hold Eli to me as close as I possibly can. But neither of us speak for fear of breaking the moment.

After a little while, I feel Eli drop his arm from my back down to my waist. I pull away from him and look up to meet his gaze.

He forces a small smile onto his face for my benefit. And I _hate_ how he feels the need to cover up to make it easier on me.

I grab his face and slam his lips on mine. I feel him tense slightly before reciprocating my embrace. I move my lips against his frantically - trying everything in my power to relay to him that I choose to love all of him. Not just the parts he feels comfortable with showing. I sit up and not parting my lips from his, I shift my body and straddle his lap. I pull him closer to me and as he grips my waist tightly, he brings his tongue invitingly against my lips. Not needing any other hint, I part my lips and allow him to move our tongues together. I moan against his mouth as my tangle my fingers in his hair.

I feel Eli's hands wander under my shirt and caress my skin. Goosebumps rise over every inch of skin his rough hands come in contact with. I remove my lips from his and gasp as his lips move to my neck. While his lips are preoccupied with the skin that feels on fire on my neck, his hands gradually wander higher up my body. I tense slightly and want to curse my body for that response when Eli lowers his hands to my waist once again. I reach down and rest my hands against his chest and Eli brings his lips back up to mine.

As I feel the flames erupt underneath my skin, the heat slowly becomes unbearable. In a feeble attempt, I shrug off my cardigan and toss it to the side before grabbing Eli's face once again. He releases my lips and rests his forehead against mine. I breathe heavily at a rapid rate as I stare straight into his eyes, _pleading_ with him to do anything to relinquish the flames he's ignited.

He leans forward and captures my lips once again. As he preoccupies my thoughts with his caressing lips, I barely register one of his hands make its way higher. I pause my lips when I feel his fingers brush against the bottom wire of my bra. His hand immediately stops its movements in response. For one moment, we're both frozen as our lips remain connected. Slowly, I push aside all doubts in my mind and kiss him once again. Taking this as encouragement and consent, I gasp into his mouth when he reaches up and fully cups my breast. I shiver as he rubs his thumb against the soft flesh not covered by the cotton fabric.

I thought this would cool the flames.

It only made them stronger.

I moan at his movements and whimper when he lowers his hand back to my waist after a few more moments. I immediately miss his hand caressing my flesh. He removes his hands from under my shirt and lifts them to my face. He pulls back slightly before giving me a quick peck. I swallow in an attempt to regain my composure from the firing urges Eli ignited within me.

"Wow," I breathe out against his face.

He smirks in reply. "I know. I didn't know you were going to pay up for your stay so early."

I giggle at his comment. "I guess I just couldn't help myself," I bite my lip nervously.

He kisses me softly in response and the sincerity in his expression following the movement of his lips on mine is enough for me to admit to myself what I've been in denial about for a while now.

I knew I was falling in love with Eli from a while ago. Like I said, I was his the moment I saw him. My actions since meeting him have proven to me that this one is different. I trust him. I trust him enough to tell him about my parents, to let him touch me in ways I haven't allowed other men to. And unlike others, Eli has not only told me he's not leaving me, he's proven it to me. Whether it be the way he glances at me when we're in a group to remind me I'm on his mind or the way he _never_ pushes me when things get more intimate between us. That respect and affection he has shown me is enough for me to acknowledge this.

The path we've been on has led me to an undeniable truth.

I, Clare Edwards, am in love with Elijah Goldsworthy.

**:) Thanks for reading everyone! If you get the chance, I would love to hear from you about your thoughts on this chapter. Thank you in advance! I wanted to show us Clare's perspective before returning back to Eli's mind. But like I said in my last author's note, be prepared for what's to come. I have it all planned out. It just has to be written. Anyways, I love love love you all so much! Can't wait to hear from you! See you at the next update! :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**Oh boy, it's been way too long my dear readers! Hello to all of you! If you've seen my Tumblr, I mentioned that I was pretty sick for a while there so I had to put an update on hold only because I really wanted to give this chapter the attention it deserved. Hard to do when you're sick, believe me. But now that I'm better, I've devoted time to updating this story with the chapter we've been dreading, but all knew was inevitable. My sincerest apologies that it took this long, but I do hope it was worth the wait. Thank you so much for all your kind messages in your reviews or on Tumblr. You guys are the best and give me the greatest motivation. Writing this story has been a breeze thanks to you guys! But I'll stop talking now and let you all get to it. Enjoy the next chapter of Love is Revival! :)**

It's crazy how even the smallest decisions we make can change the path we've been walking down.

The child desperately reaching up for the cookie jar on the counter instead accidentally tips it over and is left with a guilt stricken expression when the jar shatters around them.

The wife choosing to come home early to surprise her husband finds him in bed with the next door neighbor.

The patrolling soldier who takes a moment to let his thoughts wander to his loved ones back home unconsciously takes a step and plants his foot on a land mine.

The most natural of actions – the decisions we make without even really thinking about it – surprisingly seem to be the ones that have the largest consequence.

And I didn't know it yet, but I was to experience this first hand.

I grab Clare's hands and weave my fingers between hers to pull her even closer to me. I rest her forehead against mine still reeling from the fact that she let me touch her like she did. In moments like these, it is abundantly clear how much Clare has revived inside of me. Whenever I'm around her, but especially when I bask in her presence like this, my body reacts in a way I've never felt before.

"I'm so happy," she whispers softly to me.

I pull back slightly and lift my head to plant a kiss against her forehead. She removes her hands from mine and draws me to her in an embrace. I wrap my arms around her waist and deliver the faintest of kisses against her neck.

It's become so damn obvious to me that the words I relayed to Clare recently hold more truth than anything I've ever said. Clare really is everything. When I have a good therapy session, she's the first person I want to tell. When my parents call, I spend almost all my time gushing about Clare. When I feel my anxiety kicking in on the bad days, I focus on her and I keep myself grounded.

I told Dave once how fucking scary it is to put everything into one person, but I realize that it's more than worth it. Holding Clare on my lap like this feels like holding every aspect of my life in my arms. My emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, my pain, my happiness – everything finds its way back to Clare.

I pull away from her and she smiles quietly at me. I lean forward and softly touch my lips to hers. "You're everything," I say as I relay my thoughts to her.

Her lips curl into a smile at my words. "Thank you," she responds in a low voice. I know exactly what she means. _Thank you for reassuring me._ I've caught onto the fact that Clare needs me to provide her with that support. I know she's still fighting with trying to deal with everything that has haunted her. She's done so much for me that I want to do whatever I can to help her heal.

I smirk at her before trailing one hand up her arm towards her shoulder. I stop when I feel a familiar mark make contact with my fingers. I frown slightly at the memory when I threw Clare onto the floor and the glass of a shattered vase cut through the barrier of her skin. Her eyebrows furrow together in confusion. I glance up at her eyes and give her an apologetic glance before lowering my head and turning her arm towards me.

I give a lingering kiss to the evidence of the cut I induced before lifting my gaze back up to her. Her expression is one of sincere gratitude. She grabs my face in both her hands and brings my eyes back up to her level.

"You're so gentle with me," she states. "Don't for a moment think anything else."

I nod my head at her words not fully believing them, but choosing to work my ass off until I do.

Clare shifts off my lap and sits on the couch next to me. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and tuck her into my side. I kiss the top of her head as she wraps her small hands around my large one and pulls them into her lap.

We remain in the quiet like this as I brush my fingers through her hair silently. I feel Clare slowly grow more relaxed next to me and I realize she's gradually falling asleep. Just as I'm about to carry her to the bedroom, the tone of her phone loudly breaks through the tranquility around us. Both of us jump at the disturbance.

Clare glances around confused before it registers to her that the noise is coming from her phone. I watch her as she gets off the couch and lingers her hands in mine as long as possible before she opens her purse.

"Hello?" She groggily asks into the receiver as she rubs her eyes. "Really, Jake? You're ridiculous sometimes." She laughs as she gestures that she'll take the call to the kitchen. I nod at her and I shamelessly let my gaze remain on her until she rounds the corner out of my sight.

I smile as her laughter travels into the room before my eyes land on her open purse. I squint curiously when I spot a newspaper sticking out of the opening. Glancing back to the kitchen and hearing Clare's voice on the phone, I look back at the table.

And this is that moment I was referring to. The moment when we make a decision that leads us down a path we were not expecting.

I reach over and pull the newspaper out of her purse. I immediately am hit with familiarity when I read the title. _The Toronto Herald. Clare's newspaper. _I scan the articles on the page just trying to get a feel for the paper. After all, I'm planning on reading each and every piece Clare writes. _Might as well start practicing_.

I browse through articles on food labeling and politics before my whole body freezes.

_Shock_.

It feels like everything around me has paused as I take in what my eyes are staring at.

_Love is Revival. By Clare Edwards._

The first thought shooting through my mind wonders why Clare wouldn't tell me that her article was published.

_Confusion_.

The second thought yells at me to put it back. _Maybe she's planning to tell me tonight?_ But then again, she was well on her way to falling asleep in my arms for the second time. If she had planned on telling me, she would have done it earlier. Right?

_Doubt._

I sneak a look behind me and with Clare still in the kitchen, I can't stop my curiosity from dictating my actions and I begin reading the article that she has been so secretive about for so long.

_Love is Revival_

_By: Clare Edwards_

_This article set out to do one thing; it had one sole purpose. This article set out to relay the harsh, terrifying reality of our service members who return from battle with haunted minds that have lost the ability to forget. They replay the devastating images that we are all spared from because of the sacrifice of these brave citizens. And this article found itself cultivated from the experience of one courageous soldier. _

_Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is categorized as an anxiety disorder resulting from exposure to traumatic experience. Currently, 1 in every 5 military personnel returns home with a form of PTSD. Out of these, 10-30% will have a lifetime of suffering from their mental illness. These men and women have to fight with feelings of guilt, fear, and paranoia among other emotions. Some resort to substance abuse and alcohol addiction –_

"Jake wanted to know where I kept the barbeque sau – What are you doing?" She exclaims loudly through my hazy mind.

_Betrayal._

I hear her rapidly approaching footsteps, but keep my gaze locked on the slowly blurring words in front of me. She rushes over to me and reaches to pull the paper away from my hands.

I reflexively hold it away from her grasp. "You have ten seconds to tell me that this is not what it sure as hell looks like," I tell her in a hoarse voice as I refuse to even glance at her.

"Eli…" She trails off before resorting to a guilty silence.

"Five," I manage to get out against my suddenly dry throat.

I close my eyes and swallow deeply when I count the last second in my mind.

_Anger_.

"Damn it, Clare!" I slam the newspaper onto the table before getting off the couch and turning my back to her.

"Please, Eli. Give me a chance to explain," she pleads with me.

I shake my head in disbelief. "So this is what all this has been about."

"E-Excuse me?"

I scoff at her confusion. "I was just a means to an end."

"Eli, I don't understand. I know you're upset – "

I snap my body towards her. "I'm not upset, Clare. I'm fucking _pissed_."

She looks at me with a hurt expression on her face. "B-But…you're even mad about the ending?"

I cross my arms in defense. "I didn't get that far. Don't need to. I've read enough."

"No, Eli." She takes a few steps towards me. I stagger backwards in an attempt to keep myself at a distance. She gasps in a breath at my actions. "Just – Just read the whole thing. _Please_."

My jaw drops in disbelief at her words. "Hell no. I'm not reading another word."

I watch as her eyes water and her lip quivers. "I can't believe this is happening," she whispers as if to herself.

I purse my lips and shake my head. "This whole time – all of our interaction – has been for your damn article?" I snap at her.

She shakes her head furiously. "No, that's not – "

"I feel so stupid."

"W-What?" She breathes out.

"You were using me this whole time," I state harshly. "You exploited everything I've been going through."

"That isn't true!" She yells in defense. "You're jumping to conclusions."

I scoff at her in utter disbelief. "You know, Clare, I find it ironic that the _one_ thing you said you wanted in a man was honesty. Trying to find something in someone else since you don't have any of it yourself?" I ask coldly.

Her jaw drops at my words and she remains silent as she blinks back her tears.

Her response only adds fuel to the growing fire around me.

"Clare, I am a lot of things and I have been a lot of things – things I'm not exactly proud of – to you since we met. But I have _never_ lied to you. What the fuck makes you think you have the right to use me like this?"

"You won't listen to me if I tried to explain," she whispers.

I bring up a hand and rub my face in frustration. "So none of this was real." I spit out as a statement. Not a question. "You were just getting information out of my experience. And I'm the damn fool who actually developed feelings for you. That must have been fun for you to laugh at, wasn't it?"

Her eyes widen at my thoughts. "I can't even believe you would think that. You know that's _not_ who I am."

"Actually Clare, I don't have the luxury of knowing who you are. I thought I did," I whisper.

Her face pales at my words.

"I mean, didn't you say someone left you to pursue his career? So because some asshole decides to do that to you, you think you can do that to someone else? You think that gives you a right to screw someone over to further _your_ career?"

"That's unfair, Eli." Her tone shifts from one of vulnerability and shock to one with a lining of anger to it.

I laugh sarcastically at her words. "You want to talk about unfair? You think it's fair for me to find out the girl I spent this whole time falling in love with didn't give a shit about me at all?"

"Eli, everything I felt for you was real. You have to believe me." She claps her hands together and pulls them into her chest, almost in a prayer-like stance.

I shake my head. "I can't trust a word you say anymore, Clare."

She sucks in a breath before crossing her arms in defiance. "Well you know what Eli? Being with you isn't a fucking walk in the park either!"

I gasp and feel myself flinch at her cursing. _Clare never swears that extremely._

"You think you're the easiest person to be around? It's the most terrifying rollercoaster." She sobs loudly and I hate to admit that parts of me break at the sight. Because even if I'm incredibly angry right now, what Clare is saying is the truth. "I have to watch what I say. I have to be careful about your mental health. I-I have to walk on eggshells around you. I have to compete with a ghost!"

_Hurt._

"Don't." I spit out. "Don't drag Julia into this. She has _nothing_ to do with this!" I fist my hands at my sides in an attempt to suppress my growing rage.

Clare closes her eyes as a few tears manage to escape her shut eyelids. "After everything I've done for you – you're choosing to throw all the support I've given you out the window over one thing?" She whispers in confusion and disbelief. "You're disregarding all my hard work to bring us together, all my persistence and patience because of one mistake? Yes, Eli. I lied to you about what I was writing about. But I only did that because I _knew_ you wouldn't have let me in if you knew the truth."

"You don't know that." I counter in my own defense although I know she's right. If I had known a complete stranger was writing an article like the one Clare did, I would not have made the mistake I did by drawing close to her, by having my entire happiness become dependent on her.

"I do," she states forcefully. "And you're being completely unfair and difficult right now."

I swallow against the lump in my throat and feel my eyes sting with moisture. _How the hell does she want me to respond? I feel like everything I knew about the girl I love turns out to be a fake facade. I'm just supposed to be okay with that?_ "I am not the problem," I say slowly. "You are," I let out as one tear manages to fall from my right eye.

She staggers back as if my words have physically pushed her away.

I breathe deeply before continuing. "I never could understand how anyone could leave you. I thought you were the best thing to ever happen to me." I swallow deeply, trying to control the tone of my voice. "I knew it was too good to be true. There's a reason no one has stuck around." I know my words are harsh and unwarranted, but I can't seem to stop myself. _If she made me hurt, then I can do the same._ "And you know that list of people who left your life?" I pause to make sure she gets my message loud and clear. "Go ahead and add me to it."

That seemed to have been the last straw because I simply stand and watch as the person I once regarded as the strongest, most beautiful presence in my life crumbles right before my eyes.

Clare brings her hands up to cover her face as the overflowing eyes that captivated me since day one release their seemingly endless flow of moisture. Every few seconds a sob escapes her throat and shatters the silence around us. I cross my arms against my chest and wait for her to pull it together enough to leave.

But I realize something is happening inside of me as I stand and watch like an idiot as a woman cries helplessly in front of me. Before I allowed myself to be with Clare, I always felt torn. I felt like there was two of me and each half was fighting for dominance and control. Clare suppressed both halves and replaced them with a better me. Now that I've indefinitely cut her out with my words, I feel those different parts of me begin trailing back towards me.

_Nice job, Goldsworthy. Cece would be so proud you disrespected Clare and broke the girl's heart like that. What the hell is wrong with you?_

Welcome back self-deprecation.

_I tried to warn you this would happen. She was too good for you from the start. After all she's proven to you, you still manage to manipulate everything to make yourself be the victim. How many times has she broken down in front of you? How many times has she helped you battle your anxiety? How about that night you spent at her place? Are you telling me she faked all of that? Are you telling me she put herself in danger being around you and allowed you to see her crying just to write an article? You're dumber than I thought. Congratulations, Eli. You just proved to everyone how much of an ass you really are. _

It's been too long conscience. How have you been?

_Just walk over there and embrace her. Yes, she was wrong, but you made the poor girl feel like complete shit. That was uncalled for. Be a man and go protect her from your own damage. _

Fancy running into you here, rationality. You were always one of the smallest parts of the old me anyways.

_Forget about protecting her. You need to protect yourself. She used you, Eli. _

I've missed you selfishness. I put Clare before you for a while now. Sorry for the neglect.

Movement in front of me pulls me out of the war waging on in my mind as Clare wipes at her eyes and lowers her hands from her face.

"C-Clare…" I trail off as I realize the full extent of my actions. What I did to her probably hurt worse than the bullets penetrating my skin. I attacked her and she wasn't prepared for battle. It was unfair.

But damn it, I had a right to be pissed.

_Fuck, I'm confused. _

I hate this uncertainty and multitude of thoughts. I had been so sure of everything since my relationship with Clare that I've forgotten how to control the chaos in my mind.

I close my eyes in an attempt to regain some peace before opening them. "Just go. G-Go away."

"Excuse me?" Her voice breaks as she speaks.

I turn around and face the wall away from her. "Clare, you need to leave right now before I say or do something more that I'll end up regretting." I bring up a fisted hand to rest against my lips. _Control, Eli. That's the key. You need to try and gain control of your emotions when the anxiety wants to take over._ Dr. Kalat's words echo in my mind.

I take a few slow, deep breaths but they do nothing to come down the battle threatening to escape the confines of my body. _Clare does not need to see that right now_.

"But we need to talk about this," she states in a tone much more firm than the one she's been using.

I walk forward and rest my head against my forearm on the wall.

_And the winner for World's Most Hateful Words goes to…well, there's no surprise here. Elijah Goldsworthy!_

_Just let her go, Eli. She deserves better and you know it. You've known it for a while now. _

_Just breathe. Relax. Talk it out. _

_Fuck what anybody else says. She lied to you. Why is that all of a sudden okay just because you may have hurt her a little? She's too sensitive in my opinion. _

"E-Eli? Are you okay?" Her voice softly enters the conflict in my mind.

I swallow as I let a few tears fall down my face.

_You couldn't protect Julia from a car._

_You couldn't protect Dave at war. _

_And you sure as hell can't protect Clare from yourself._

"Clare, you need to leave. Now."

"I'm not just going to leave. I know you're mad, but I know you don't mean what you said. You're just hurting and you're lashing out at me since I'm the cause of it. I get – "

"Clare!" I cut her off as I whip around to look at her.

_Damn, Goldsworthy. I think my work here is done. You really must hate yourself. _

_Eli, you're making things worse by prolonging the inevitable. Clare should be happy. Does she look happy to you?_

_Why the hell are you yelling at her? Have you not been listening to a word I've been saying? Fix this._

_There you go, Eli. Why should she have a "Get out of Jail Free" card? _

I inwardly groan as all my thoughts and emotions slowly begin to reach a boiling point. And rationality takes over for a moment.

_Fine. If you won't fix this, then get her out of here. Whatever you have to say, get her out. She doesn't need to witness you break down. Again._

"I meant _every_ damn word I said. So get the hell out." I let the harsh, cold words escape my lips and hope they're believable.

Her gasp and shaking hands tell me they were. Clare slowly grabs her purse and her cardigan before walking towards the door.

She stops before opening it and turns to me.

My eyes lock with hers for a moment and she must have seen something redeemable there to say what she does next. And I'm not surprised. Clare always has.

"You said some mean things to me, but when you've calmed down you know where to find me. And if you can find it in yourself, please read the whole thing. But just know, I may have been in the wrong going into tonight, but you were out of line."

With that, Clare turns the knob and walks outside into the dark, cold night.

When the door slams shut behind me, I let go of any restraint on my emotions and collapse onto the couch beneath me. I fist my hands in my hair as I try to regain control and push out my anxiety out.

_I have nothing to say. You make my job way too easy._

_At least she's better off now. _

_I still think you should have tried to fix it, but I'll have to agree with the previous guy._

_Ignore them. She didn't deserve to be let in. This is why you're better off alone, Eli. Screw everyone else. _

But as the image of Clare's retreating form walking out the door enters my mind, I only feel one emotion.

An emotion I wasn't expecting to feel in the midst of all this chaos.

_Regret._

**I let out a long breath when this was finished. That was a rollercoaster, huh? I hope you all aren't too angry with me, but this is the path these two are on. Please do let me know what you thought of their conflict. I worked pretty hard on it so I hope I did it justice. Thanks so much for reading! Have a wonderful day you beautiful, wonderful people! Bye! :)**


	25. Chapter 25

**Hello you beautiful people! :) Wow! I just can't believe how amazing the response to this story has been. You guys are phenomenal! I must thank you for never ceasing to provide me with support and motivation. Each and every one of you helps contribute to this story so I must thank you for that. Now, the reason this chapter took a long time, considering it is a tad on the short side, is that I wrestled with how to write it. It tackles a cliche and I wanted it to do the story justice. There is a reason why things have to go the way they will in this chapter so stick with me my loves! Anyways, I'll let you get to our Clare in the aftermath of the fight. Thanks again! Enjoy! :)**

You know what hurts? Making a mistake.

You know what hurts more? Making the same mistake over and over again.

You think I would learn by now. You think I would realize reality will _never_ meet my expectations.

The way I expected KC to be loyal.

The way I expected my father to be a dad.

The way I expected to rejoice when I finally began my career.

The way I expected all these things is the same way I expected Eli to listen.

But KC wasn't loyal.

My father failed to be my dad.

Publishing my article didn't lift my spirits.

And Eli didn't hear me out.

Walking down the sidewalk further and further away from his place causes the nagging feeling in my stomach to sink without any hope of making its way back to the surface.

As much as I want to feel angry and hurt about the way Eli responded, there is only one feeling overwhelming my emotions.

_Guilt_.

After all, the only reason we're in this situation is because of me.

The only reason I'm walking alone in the cold night without any sense of direction is because I chose to lie.

The only reason Eli is on the verge of another breakdown after being healthy for so long is because I betrayed him.

Eli was right.

I am the problem.

And maybe he was right about everything else. Maybe I was the problem then too.

I gasp in a few rapid, erratic breaths in an attempt to calm my body down, but I realize the only thing that has any possibility of stopping my eyes from overflowing with water and erasing all the self-deprecating thoughts in my mind is left behind me as I continue to walk away from Eli.

If only I hadn't fallen asleep.

If only Jake hadn't called.

If only Eli hadn't seen the newspaper in my purse.

If only he had read the whole thing.

If only. If only. If only.

But that's the problem here, isn't it? Expectations are full of "if's". Reality disregards them.

Reality is the truth. And the truth is that I am the sole reason why I may have lost the person I love more than anything. And the truth is that he doesn't know. And the truth is he may never know.

I bring up my hands to wipe at the moisture leaking out of my eyes before reaching for my phone in my purse. I dial the familiar number and know she' probably asleep, but I need my best friend right now.

"Clare?" I hear Alli's groggy voice after a few rings.

"He didn't listen," I tell her as my bottom lip begins to quiver. "You said he would listen. Why didn't he?" My free hand involuntarily moves to cup my mouth in an attempt to suppress the emotion threatening to escape.

"Calm down, honey. Who didn't listen? What – "

"Eli," I cut her off. "He found out about the article. And he refused…he didn't want me around anymore," I inform her as I shake my head in disbelief of the truth.

"Oh no," I hear Alli breathe out. "It's going to be okay, Clare. He's just in shock. He needs some time."

I bite my bottom lip out of nervous habit. "But you didn't see – you didn't hear what he said to me."

"Whatever he said, you and I both know he didn't mean it," Alli states in an attempt to reassure me.

"I want to believe that, but…" I trail off as I gasp in a long breath.

"Dave," I hear Alli's voice sound softly through the phone. "Wake up."

"Alli?" I ask in curiosity.

"Give me a second," she responds. "I need you to call Eli," I hear her tell Dave. "Clare?"

"Y-Yes?"

"Are you at Eli's right now?"

I furrow my eyebrows together. "No, I told you. He didn't want me – "

"Then where the hell are you?" She asks worriedly.

"I-I don't…" I trail off as I glance around my surroundings for the first time. Immediately, I recognize a familiar diner a little down the street from me. "I'm near a diner where…I had dinner with Eli here once."

"Did he pick up?" I realize Alli is conversing with Dave again. "Then try again."

"There are a couple of restaurants around," I continue as I spot the various eating spots and bars in the area.

"I don't know this area very well, but I'm sending Dave to come find you."

"No!" I respond forcefully. "That's – That's not necessary. I'm fine."

"I don't care. I'm not letting my best friend and future maid of honor walk around a place she doesn't know in the middle of the night."

I roll my eyes at her as I walk past one of the bars on the street. "You're worrying over nothing."

You know that phrase about speaking too soon? _It just happened to me_.

"Hey Sweetheart!" I hear a voice call out to me. A voice I've heard before. I turn towards the source. "Why don't you come join us?"

I shake my head. "No thank you," I reply before taking a few steps forward. "Alli, that guy Mark is here."

_Don't follow me. Don't follow me. Don't follo –_

"Oh come on," I hear Mark say as he walks in step beside me. "Let me buy you a drink?"

"Clare? Are you still there?" Alli asks me frantically.

"Yes," I respond to her.

"Perfect!" I hear Mark say before wrapping an arm around my shoulder and turning me back towards the bar. _Crap, that's not what I meant._

I wiggle around trying to get out of his grasp when I smell the stench of alcohol on his breath. "Excuse me," I try and say politely.

"Let me introduce you to a buddy of mine," he slurs as he pulls me closer to him. I wince as my phone crushes my ear at the motion. "Milligan!" I hear him call out. "This is my friend…" He brings a hand to rub against his forehead in thought. "Um…Oh who the fuck cares anyways?" He laughs out.

I vaguely hear Alli's muffled voice, but am in no position to respond. "I'm asking you to let go of me," I tell him in a stern tone. I researched enough about rape after what happened with Darcy to know that being alone with men who not only could easily overpower me, but are also under the influence, isn't the safest idea.

"One drink. You look like you could use it."

I huff out in frustration. I've dealt with enough drunk guys at the parties in university, but this is starting to worry me.

"We don't like to see pretty girls like you cry, do we Milligan?"

His friend finally looks up from his glass on the outdoor table. "No, that we don't." He smirks at me.

_Smirk. Eli. I wish he was here right now_. _He wouldn't let anyone touch me like this._

"Let go." I say through gritted teeth. "Now." I shove against him, but it's no use. He's much stronger than I am.

"Come on," he prods me. "Tell Fitzy what's wrong."

I shut my eyes as I plead with anyone, anything to help me.

"Wait," he slurs. "Where's your other half?"

My eyes burn against my closed lids at the mention of Eli. "Not here, obviously," I respond in a hurt tone.

"I believe we have a broken heart on our hands, Milligan. You know how to fix that?" He asks me.

I look up at him and regret it as soon as I realize our close proximity. I shake my head in answer to his question.

"Lots of booze and great sex," he laughs.

My eyes widen at his words.

_Clare, I need you to promise me to never get yourself stuck in a situation like I did. Never let your guard down. I need you to promise to stay alert. Only you can keep yourself safe. _

Darcy's words from what seems like an eternity ago echo through my mind.

My breathing quickens as I pull away from him. "Let go of me," I plead with him.

Mark continues to laugh as if he's said the joke of the century, but his friend eyes me warily. "Hey, Fitz. Let her go," he states as he nods at me.

Mark's laughter ceases at the words. "Now why would I want to do that?"

His companion shrugs his shoulders. "She just doesn't look like she's in the mood."

"We can always _put_ her in the mood," Mark counters before looking down and winking at me.

I feel my heart pounding against my chest and can easily hear its loud beats.

"Okay, buddy, I think we should call it a night," Milligan steps up before tossing some bills on the table. "You've had enough to drink." He walks over to us.

"But I still haven't bought our pretty little friend here a drink," he states in a matter of fact tone as he absently rubs his fingers along my upper arm. I shiver at his touch. _Not in a good way. Not in the way I do when Eli touches me. _

His friend breathes deeply before responding. It's clear he's annoyed. "Come on."

I realize I've long neglected my phone that is still clenched tightly in my hand as if it's my lifeline. But when I focus in on it, I realize I can't hear anything on the other end. Just silence.

I stiffen when I feel something against the top of my head.

"You smell nice," Mark mumbles.

Against my will, my mind is drawn to an all too familiar memory.

"_What are you doing?" I laugh out as I curl closer to Eli's chest from my position on his lap. We're sitting on my couch following one of his successful therapy sessions. There's always a lightheartedness in Eli when he realizes he's slowly getting healthier. I feel his arm tighten around me as his free hand plays with my fingers in my lap. _

"_I've spent too long away from home," he whispers against my hair before planting a quick kiss against my temple. I turn to look at him. "When you're over there," Eli begins. "All your senses are engulfed with your surroundings. That's why I told you we lose the images of home quickly. Your senses get polluted with everything around you that you slowly forget about your life back at home. The life that is the only thing you're still holding onto." _

_I shift in his lap so I can face him better. I move my hands away from his and place one against his chest comfortingly as the other soothingly plays with the hair at the nape of his neck. I smile as Eli rubs his thumb against my thigh in response. _

_He looks down and swallows before continuing. "All you can smell is the desert sand. On occasion, the stench of…" He trails off._

"_Tell me," I whisper softly to him._

_Eli glances up at me. "Sometimes, you could smell the corpses. It's almost worse than the image of them. Almost." He sucks in a breath. "In the really rural areas, it was like the stench of a farm that needed a makeover." He shakes his head at the memory. "We adapt quickly to that. We almost become numb to it."_

_He closes his eyes before nuzzling his face in my hair as he did earlier which brought us onto this topic in the first place. "Nothing like how you smell," he mumbles. "I forgot what this smelled like."_

_I squeeze him to me. "What does it smell like?" I ask him. _

_He pulls away before looking straight into my eyes. "Home."_

I gasp as I'm drawn out of my memory and back into reality.

Back into that horrible reality where Eli wants nothing to do with me, where my best friend has no clue where I am, and where I'm stuck. Stuck in a relentless grip of a man that feels the complete opposite of when Eli holds me.

And all I can do in that moment is wish that it was Eli's body next to mine.

Eli's arm around my shoulders.

Eli's face in my hair.

I wish that it wasn't Mark.

I wish that it was Eli.

But remember what I said about the hope that comes with expectations? It's never reality.

**And that concludes Chapter 25! In the next chapter, you'll realize why Clare's path brought her here and yes, the full article will be revealed. I'm SO excited for you all to see it! As always, reviews are appreciated more than words can probably relay! But I just want to thank you guys for reading. It means so much to me that something I've created has generated such a response! It's beyond what I ever hoped for this story. But hey, reality is actually better this time! :P I love you all and hope you enjoy the new Degrassi episode this week! See you soon! :) **


	26. Chapter 26

**Hello there my dears! :) I hope you've all had a lovely beginning of Spring. I'm sorry that this update took a little long, but many things happen in this chapter so hopefully that makes up for it! Is it monotonous for me to thank you all once again? Regardless, I must take a moment to express my appreciation for the amazing feedback and response to this story. It's so much more than I could've imagined. So thank you for being such awesome readers! I feel lucky. :) Enjoy this chapter my loves! **

I don't know how long it's been since Clare left.

It could be a few minutes or a few hours. I won't be able to tell the difference.

Because I've become numb. I've only felt this way two times in my life.

Once when I heard about Julia.

Once when Dave and I were hit.

And now I feel it again. My heartbeat thumping resonates in my ears as it engulfs my sense of hearing.

Everything else around me seems to drift away as I draw back into myself.

I feel the walls that Clare worked so hard to break down – the walls that have been years in the making – slowly build themselves back up.

There was a freedom I felt around Clare. The freedom to be happy. The freedom to feel. The freedom to be healthy.

The freedom to be the person I never thought I could be.

I was beginning to believe in myself in the way that my parents, my friends, and Clare believe in me.

And the sole reason why I was able to have that opportunity was because Clare gave me a reason to let those damn walls crumble. I was allowed to explore the foreign territory away from the darkness I had become. I didn't have to hold back anymore.

But now that I've forced my reason to leave, I can feel myself suffocating from the enclosing walls. Now that I know what it feels to be truly happy, my old life that I'm drifting back into feels like my own personal prison. It feels like hell.

I rest my forearms on my thighs and clasp my hands together. My reason – the girl I have fallen in love with – wasn't real. This whole time I've been working my ass off to try and get a fraction closer to deserving Clare. I thought she was too good for me. I thought she was the best thing to have ever happened to me. I thought I was the luckiest guy on this godforsaken planet.

I was wrong.

Because Clare Edwards gave me a glimpse at light and then snatched it away soon after. It's unfair.

She was using me.

I sigh aloud into the quiet room.

There is only one thing I am certain of. My feelings for the Clare I knew were completely genuine. I'm only ashamed at this point for letting myself go down this road.

But can I really blame Clare? I practically wrote the article for her by letting her in and giving her the knowledge about my illness. Anyone could have taken that information and written what she did.

So from that perspective, I see why she did what she did. She's worked hard to get to where she is. She needed the position. _At whatever cost I guess._

But she was wrong in leading me on the way she did.

That was unfair. And I cannot defend her in her decision to exploit my experience.

She took something I am very vulnerable about, something I confided in her with, and she broadcasted it to the general public. If all she wanted was the information, she could have found another way to acquire it. Having me develop the strong feelings I did for her wasn't necessary.

_Do you really believe she was impartial to you this whole time?_

I allow my mind to take over and flash certain memories my way.

When Clare initially lied to me about the article.

_"How was your appointment earlier?"_

_My face jerks up and my eyes turn a dark, stern tone at her intrusion into my privacy._

_"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I-I just, um…" She trails off._

_"I'm going to go. Tell Alli that I went over to my new apartment to move some more stuff in. Maybe I'll see you soon. I'm actually writing an article."_

_"About?" I ask although I don't know why. _

_Her eyes widen as she did not suspect me to respond. "J-Just an appreciation article for our soldiers."_

If I wasn't so hurt right now, I would be able to acknowledge that I was in no position to know the true purpose of her article at that time. I had just been diagnosed with my disorder. I wouldn't have spoken to her afterwards if I knew the truth. Clare was right. There was no way I would have let her in if I knew what she was writing about.

When she broke down after struggling with her writing.

_"Come on, Clare." I rest my hand atop hers. "Talk to me."_

_She bites her lower lip as she ponders what to say. "I can't do this," she whispers._

_I feel my insides literally drop at her words. "Can't do what?" I ask for confirmation._

_She shrugs her shoulders. "Write the article," she explains. Her hand shakes under mine. "I can't pretend anymore."_

_I clasp her hand in mine as I try to calm her down. "Clare, I don't understand."_

_She blinks rapidly in a failed attempt to prevent the salty tears threatening to stream down her face. One escapes out of her right eye._

_"This is my one chance. I'm screwing it up." She removes her hand from mine and burrows her face in her palms._

_I watch, frozen in shock, as she wipes both her cheeks. "What are you doing here?" She finally asks me after regaining her composure._

_I furrow my brows at her seemingly out of place question. "I'm here because I'm worried about you," I tell her honestly._

_"I don't deserve that," she whispers._

Well, shit. I feel a sense of dread slowly creep into my emotions.

When she semi-confessed the truth to me.

_"This article is really important. If the editor chooses to run it, I get a permanent position at the newspaper. If she doesn't like it, I screwed up the one opportunity I've gotten. I'm trying so hard, but I just can't write it." She shrugs her shoulders. "And my mom called this morning. She took it upon herself to put even more pressure on me. She scolded me for not being focused. She says I think about you too much," she looks up at me._

_"Your mom thinks I'm the reason you're not writing?" I ask worriedly._

_"What my mom refuses to see is that you make me happy. And the article is my responsibility, not yours."_

_"But is she right? Am I distracting you from being able to write it?"_

_She purses her lips together and shakes her head. "No," she whispers. _

_I exhale a long breath in relief. "Good. I really like you; ergo, I want your parents to like me. I wouldn't want to be the reason you don't get this position."_

_ "Eli, let's say hypothetically that was true. I want you to know that I would choose to have you over this job. You're more important."_

Damn it. I came into her life after the article. And she was struggling as she felt herself torn in two.

When she reassured me of her feelings for me.

_"I'm real," she tells me gently as her eyes hold mine. She grabs one of my hands and grasps it tightly. "This is real."_

_It's unfathomable to me how patient Clare is. I can't believe that she truly is real. People like her don't exist._

_"Sometimes I find that hard to believe," I whisper._

_She furrows her brows together in confusion. "What do you mean?"_

_I squeeze her hand. "There are times when I can't believe that you're actually here. I can't believe that you're choosing to be with me. I can't believe the little I can offer you is enough to keep you here." I shake my head to myself. "I feel as if you're just something else my mind made up. But this time my mind made something to make my life better; something to counter all the dark images."_

_Clare lets go of the hand she's holding and moves to place her hand atop mine. I look up at her in question as to what she is doing. She brings our joined hands to rest on her free wrist. And at a slow pace, Clare begins to move our hands up her arm. I feel the goosebumps rise on her skin as our hands follow the trail she's planned. I feel the soft planes of her shoulder and dip into the small hollow next to her neck. She continues to move our hands until I've cupped her cheek before letting go. I keep my hand against her soft skin._

_"Did that feel real?" She asks me._

_I nod my head silently._

_"That's because I am. And I won't disappear."_

I fucked up.

I severely fucked up.

I hop off the couch and begin pacing around the room as more and more memories of my relationship with Clare flash through my mind.

Every piece of the puzzle is slowly fitting into place.

She never let me see the article.

She never told me it was published.

She wanted to tell me gently. She didn't want me to be blindsided.

Why? _Because she cares about you, Eli. And you were too damn stubborn and selfish to realize it._

She knew she would lose me the moment I knew the truth. She was waiting until she could see me at least hearing her out. Instead, I blew up in her face about it.

I slide down the wall and wrap my arms around my knees.

She tried to explain and I shut her down. I rub my forehead in frustration at the situation and with my actions. I was so disrespectful to her. I said some horrible things to her.

_Damn it. _

So the Clare I love – the Clare I've been with this whole time –is the real Clare? I glance up at the newspaper still on the table.

_"And if you can find it in yourself, please read the whole thing."_

I purse my lips in thought. _Oh what the hell…_

I get up and walk over to the couch. I grab the newspaper and take a seat. Taking in a deep breath, I start the article over again.

_Love is Revival _

_By: Clare Edwards_

_This article set out to do one thing; it had one sole purpose. This article set out to relay the harsh, terrifying reality of our service members who return from battle with haunted minds that have lost the ability to forget. They replay the devastating images that we are all spared from because of the sacrifice of these brave citizens. And this article found itself cultivated from the experience of one courageous soldier. _

_Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is categorized as an anxiety disorder resulting from exposure to traumatic experience. Currently, 1 in every 5 military personnel returns home with a form of PTSD. Out of these, 10-30% will have a lifetime of suffering from their mental illness. These men and women have to fight with feelings of guilt, fear, and paranoia among other emotions. Some resort to substance abuse and alcohol addiction as their escape from the terrors of their minds._

_I had expected to obtain answers to a list of questions I had prepared; questions focused on understanding the critical mental consequences of war. Contrary to what I was anticipating, after weeks of researching, I answered a question that had been flooding my thoughts for a long time now._

_When someone's body physically fails, as in the case of a heart attack, Emergency Medical Services immediately begin appropriate care. Cardiopulmonary resuscitation, or CPR, involves artificially pumping the heart of the patient to continually regulate blood throughout the body. This is done in the hopes that the body will be revived – it will heal and function once again. _

_This makes sense when discussing an oncoming physical death. But what about in the case of an emotional struggle? How does one resuscitate an inward collapse of the mind? In this case, pumping the heart won't heal the ailments. _

_I've learned through my interaction with one of these soldiers that there is a simple answer to my question. What I spent years of my life trying to answer – what we all spend hours contemplating – is in fact answered with one of the most commonly used words in language. _

_One word._

_Four letters._

_Love._

_Some may be cynical about this. After all, how naïve must we be to believe that the simplicity of caring for others could actually make a difference? _

_I may not have believed it myself had I not experienced what I did through this journey._

_I set out to do one thing. Instead, I found myself walking down a path far different from the one I had planned. A path that proved to me how powerful love really is. An emotion that some scoff at, a feeling that some strive to find, does in fact have the strength to revive. _

_I saw before my own eyes a haunted, lost soldier search through the haze of his thoughts and emotions and find himself once again. I saw him want to give up; I saw him slip. But soon afterwards, I saw him get back up and fight against the oncoming assault just as if he was battling for his life while at war. _

_But instead of striving to protect his physical life, he was involved in a conflict to regain control of his own thoughts and actions. _

_The man he is today is vastly different from the man I first met over a month ago. And maybe I am naïve to believe that what we have experienced together helped fuel his recovery, but I still choose to firmly hold that perspective. _

_What I realized through the process of writing this article is that I myself was failing to see how far a little support and a little love can truly go. I was guilty of going through the motions of life; failing to see those in need of care around me. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the clutter and rush of our own lives that we are blind to the suffering going on around us. _

_I learned that each and every one of us is need of some sort of renewal; some of us more than others. But I also learned that there is an easy treatment, an accessible cure. Even the smallest display of love, smiling at a stranger who may be fighting their own inner demons or donating some of our time to write a letter to a soldier on the frontlines of battle, can go a long way. _

_Regarded as one of the most widely read books in the world, The Bible assures us that love is not only kind and patient, but is always supportive and hopeful. It never fails. _

_Love is revival. _

_It has the unique, tremendous power to save lives. _

_I would know._

_He saved mine. _

The paper before me begins to shake as my hands reflect the slow loss of control of my emotions. A large lump forms in my throat as I begin to become overwhelmed.

I notice my phone buzz as a call is coming through. I ignore it.

I read over the article again.

And again.

And again.

Each time I read it, my eyes sting even more to the point that I begin to feel one single trail of moisture down my right cheek.

I suck in a breath and close my eyes as I release it.

Clare's hurt expression from earlier overtakes me senses.

This whole time I thought Clare was in the wrong. I thought she was at fault here.

Only now do I realize I was wrong.

I blocked her out at the first sign of an oncoming threat. That's what war has trained me to do. As soon as I perceive a threat, I have to protect myself against it.

If only I knew what I do now.

Clare changed her article. She didn't betray me in the way I thought she did.

She praised me. She made me out to be this strong man who has been nothing but good to her.

That is farthest from the truth as my actions tonight relay.

Before I get a chance to really process what has happened, I grab my phone quickly.

I know the chances of Clare answering are slim, but I _need_ her to at least give me a chance to explain, to apologize. I need her to come back.

As I'm dialing her number, my phone buzzes in my hand and Dave's picture shows up on the screen.

I sigh in frustration as I answer the call.

"Dave, I can't really talk right – "

"The diner where you and Clare went," he says frantically. "Do you remember it?"

I furrow my eyebrows together in confusion. "What the hell are you – "

"Do you remember it?" He asks me again in a stern tone.

The image of the diner comes into my thoughts. "W-Well, yeah, but – "

"Jake and I are about to leave, but you'll probably get to her first since you know where she is."

"Dave, what the fuck is going on?" I practically yell into the phone.

"Clare was really upset. She called Alli and said something about that Mark guy. I-I don't – "

I drop my phone as my eyes widen in panic. Not even bothering to continue my conversation with Dave, I run out the door without a second thought.

As I sprint down the street towards the diner, I feel my breathing become erratic not from the strenuous pace I've set for my legs, but from the familiarity of the situation.

I yelled at Julia too.

I told her to get out.

And she did.

She left.

She was hit.

She never came back.

I yelled at Clare.

I told her to get out.

And she did.

She left.

What if something happens? What if she doesn't come back?

And it'll be my fault.

_Again_.

I turn towards my right at the end of the street and keep moving one foot in front of the other in an attempt to reach her.

Clare gave me a second chance at life.

She opened my eyes to the fact that I didn't have to punish myself. She forced me to see that I could be happy if I chose to be.

And how do I repay her?

I push her away from the first day. No matter what changes she made in me, I still resorted to my old habits.

I'm pretty damn good at hurting people.

And now the girl I love could potentially be in danger all because of me.

_Is this how you show your love Eli? You yell at her. You play off her insecurities and say the worst possible things you could say to her. You force her to leave. And she walks right into a situation that she should never have been in. That's how you express your love?_

_Its ironic how she wrote a fucking article about how much you mean to her; about how much you inspire her._

I pump my arms as I force my burning muscles to move even faster.

_Please. Don't let anything happen to her. I'll walk away. I'll leave her alone. I'll do whatever the fuck it takes. Just let her be safe. _

I let my thoughts wander off to anyone, anything. I may not believe in a higher power after all the shit I've been through, but if there really is one, I hope it hears me at this point. I'm desperate.

As I round the last corner, my eyes fall on her.

She's standing by two other men in front of a bar. One I recognize as the asshole from the Guest Day dinner.

I notice he's much too close to her for my comfort.

"Clare!" I yell out as I get closer to her in an attempt to relay to her that she is not alone.

Her head snaps up at my voice and she doesn't even think twice. She takes a few steps towards me, but I watch in disgust as Mark grabs her arm and pulls her back to his side.

She glances at him as he says something to her before her eyes land on me again.

Finally, I reach the group and before I can stop myself, I shove harshly against his chest.

"Get away from her." I say sternly.

He laughs at my futile attempt to defend Clare. _Dumb drunk_.

"Back off. I'm serious." I reach for Clare and pull her to me. Luckily, his senses aren't at their best since he's under the influence and I manage to bring her against me. I hear her suck in a breath in relief before I push her behind me.

"Hey, we don't mean any trouble." The other man there speaks up.

"Yeah, we just wanted to have some fun. She looked like she could use it," Mark slurs his words together.

I swallow in an attempt to suppress my raging emotions. I glance over at his friend. "Get him out of here."

He nods at me. "Come on, Fitz." He pushes Mark away from us before glancing over at me almost apologetically. "Why don't you take better care of your girl next time? He's not the worst drunk out here on late nights."

I give him the smallest nod as he forces Mark to walk further down the street despite his protests and vulgar remarks at Clare and I. Once I feel they are a safe distance away, I quickly turn around toward Clare.

She looks petrified. Her face is pale and her eyes are frozen in a wide position.

_I am so damn sorry, Clare._

Instead of saying those words, I ask, "Did he hurt you?"

Her head snaps up to gaze at me as if my words brought her out of her own mind. She shakes her head.

I sigh before reaching for her hand. "May I?" I ask since I lost the right to touch her after my actions earlier.

She furrows her eyebrows together in confusion before nodding her head silently.

I grab her hand and slowly pull up the fabric of her cardigan sweater as I examine the skin he must have bruised with his harsh grip when he pulled her strongly to him. Not able to tell much under the dark night sky, and honestly needing to touch her as much as possible to reassure myself that nothing drastic happened, I ghost the tips of my fingertips over the part of her arm Mark had grabbed.

I feel the goosebumps rise on her skin and hear her soft gasp at the contact. I glance up at her and notice she is staring straight at me.

"Clare…" I trail off in a whisper. She doesn't respond, but the softness of my tone seems to have gotten to her as her eyes begin to fill with moisture.

Before I have a chance to say anything, both of us turn towards the sound of a speeding car coming down the road. _Jake's truck_.

Clare takes a small step closer to me when Jake skids the car to a harsh stop next to us. He's the first to exit the car.

"Clare, get in." He states in a stern tone as he rushes over to us.

Dave exits the passenger side. "Jake, bro. She's fine."

"She's fine?" Jake asks. "Are you kidding me?"

"Jake, Dave's right. I'm fine." My gaze lands on Clare since this is the first time she has spoken.

Jake lets out a sarcastic laugh. "Like hell. Get in the truck. I'm taking you back to your place."

I feel Clare's hand slip from mine as she walks towards the passenger side and opens the door. Dave helps her into the truck before he closes the door.

My eyes stay on her even though I feel Jake's glare on me. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He practically yells at me.

"Jake – "

"He's right," I tell Dave as he tries to stop Clare's stepbrother from giving it to me the way I deserve.

"I don't care if you found Clare making out with Dave – "

"Wait, what?" Dave asks with a confused expression. I almost laugh. Almost.

"Just go with it," Jake brushes him off. "You do not kick my sister out in the middle of the night. No matter what."

"Jake, can we please go?"

We all turn towards Clare's soft voice coming from the passenger seat.

Jake glances at me once again. I'm sure he has more he wants to say to me.

"Please."

He sighs before shaking his head and turning towards his truck. Jake walks over to the driver side and starts up the vehicle.

I silently will Clare to look at me and as if we're still on the same wavelength, she does. Her eyes lock with mine and the shock has since worn off. Her expression is one of exhaustion. And I feel absolutely guilty.

_"I'm sorry." _I mouth to her silently.

She doesn't get the chance to respond since Jake quickly accelerates out of our view.

I watch as his truck continues further away from where Dave and I are.

"Come on," Dave says to me as he wraps his arm around my shoulder. "Let's take a walk."

We start walking towards Clare's apartment and Dave remains silent as he waits for me to talk.

And after a few minutes, I finally find the words.

"I found the article," I tell him.

Dave nods his head next to me. "I know."

"She wrote about me."

"I know," he repeats.

I stop in my tracks. "You knew?" I ask in disbelief.

"I wanted to tell you, but this was something that was between you and Clare. The best I could do was ask her to tell you."

I force myself to keep walking. "You did the right thing," I tell him. "It would have been worse hearing it from someone else."

"Would it have been?" He asks me in an insecure tone. "I feel like a lot of this could have been avoided if I had just told you."

I shake my head. "It wasn't your responsibility."

We walk in silence for a few steps. "What she wrote about you…" Dave trails off as he gathers his thoughts. "Even if I didn't know you two, I would know she cares after reading the article."

I nod my head.

"So why didn't _you_?"

I look down at the ground as I walk. "I only read the beginning before she walked in. I didn't get to the part where the article shifted in focus. She asked me to, but I…" I trail off and shake my head at the memory. "I said some things to her that I had no right to."

"We all say things we don't mean when we're fired up. She knows that."

I shake my head. "You don't get it, Dave. I practically said her dad had a right to leave her. What kind of jerk says shit like that?"

I hear Dave sigh from next to me. "You thought she used you and it hurt. You wanted her to hurt too."

I feel ashamed at his words because they're true. I _wanted_ to hurt Clare. I'm a complete ass.

"But I can assure you that what Clare and you went through – all her feelings for you – they were real." He turns to me. "If I had any doubt of her feelings…If I thought she was just using her for her article, I would never have let you two develop a relationship. Like I always say, I'll watch your back like it's my own. I wouldn't want to be lied to either. But I stepped aside because I saw you feel things for Clare that she felt for you. Bro, you were changing for the better. It wouldn't make sense if I, or anyone else, stopped it."

I nod my head at his words. "I trust you," I tell him. "And I don't trust a lot of people. So I know when you say that Clare's feelings were real that they were. But Dave, all I did today was prove to every single person that I don't deserve her." I swallow as I feel my emotions overtake me. "She tried to explain and I pushed her away. I forced her into a situation where she could have been hurt." I shake my head at tonight's events. "You'd think I would learn after what happened with Julia _not_ to force an emotional girl out alone at night."

"But you did something tonight that you didn't before," Dave says gently. "You went out looking for her."

"Clare should never have been alone," I counter. "I shouldn't have had to go out looking for her. She should've been safe back at my place with me."

I hear Dave let out a breath next to me. "But she wasn't and you can't keep living in the past. Damn, Eli. If you want to learn something, then learn from this. You've spent so long replaying your past in your mind. It's not healthy. Don't go back to that."

I don't think Dave has ever said anything as critical to me as he is now. The whole premise of my PTSD is that I'm reliving what has happened to me over and over again. I'm regretting how I acted and the decisions I made. I'm solely focused on the past.

I know I can't live like that anymore.

I have to live in the present, not the past. I have to look forward to what will happen, not look back at what already has.

"You're right," I tell him just as we reach the front of Clare's apartment.

I groan inwardly as Jake walks out the door towards us. I don't blame him for being angry with me. Hell, I'm angry with me, but all I really want at the moment is to make sure Clare is safe and secure.

"You have every right to be upset with me," I start.

"Damn straight," Jake replies. "Man, I actually – I actually liked you. The way Clare talks about you – you would think you'd cured cancer or something. What the hell makes you think you have the right to treat her the way you did?"

"I made a mistake. I'm sorry," I emphasize my words.

Jake lets out a deep breath as Dave eyes both of us warily. "Clare's sensitive about certain things. People leaving her is one of those."

I nod my head. "I know."

"I don't like seeing her like this."

I purse my lips together as I feel Clare's obvious pain becomes mine. "Neither do I."

"Make sure it doesn't happen again."

I glance up at him.

He notices my shock at his words. "I told you, Eli. You mean a lot to Clare. Anyone who read her article knows that. Clare should be happy and if you make her happy, then it works for me. But one more mistake and I swear to you, Eli, you'll regret it."

I nod my head at his words. _Fair enough. _"It won't happen again," I assure him. "Can I please see her?"

Jake glances at Dave who nods his head in confirmation. He steps aside and I quickly rush past him into her apartment. I hear voices from her bedroom and quickly take the steps two at a time before reaching the door to her room.

I stop when I hear Alli's voice come through the door.

"It's okay if you were scared," Alli says softly.

"I'm fine," Clare states. It is so obvious to me when Clare is lying. You would think I would have known to believe her back at my place earlier.

"You should've come straight here," Katie offers.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't thinking straight," Clare responds in a harsh tone.

I hear both Alli and Katie sigh. "We're sorry. It's just – we were worried about you," Katie says.

"You can't scare us like that," Alli continues.

"You guys act like something happened. Nothing happened. I'm fine," Clare repeats through gritted teeth.

Deciding to save her from the conversation she does not seem to want to be a part of at the moment, I knock on the door before opening it slightly.

"Come in," Clare says and I open the door wider.

I hear Clare gasp when she sees me, but I can feel Katie's glare on me as soon as I walk in. I can't find it in myself to care. I only have eyes for one person and my gaze remains on Clare.

She is sitting on her bed as Alli sits next to her and Katie stands at the foot of the bed. After a few quiet moments, Alli whispers something to Clare and Clare nods in response. Alli stands up off the bed and Katie follows her. As they walk past me out the door, Katie continues to glare at me, but Alli rests a hand softly on my arm before closing the door behind her. My eyes remain locked with Clare's while I wait for either of us to speak up. I stuff my hands in my pockets nervously.

Finally, Clare's bottom lip quivers before she speaks. "I was so s-scared," she confesses to me.

I feel parts of me break at the sight and not knowing what else to do, I open my arms as an invitation if she chooses to take it. I feel relief wash over me when she jumps off the bed and runs towards me. Her arms lock around my neck and I wrap my arms tightly around her waist. I feel her clump parts of my jacket in her first as she clings tightly to me.

I curse inwardly when I feel moisture transfer from her cheek to mine. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to hurt her.

We remain in our embrace for a few minutes as Clare sobs into my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," she repeats over and over in between her sobs.

I just hold her tightly to me not trusting myself to be able to hold it together if I speak. It's unfathomable to me that _she_ is the one apologizing right now.

I dip down and nuzzle my head against her neck in an attempt to calm her down. Her arms loosen at my action and her hands slip to my shoulders. All of a sudden, Clare stiffens against me. I pull away in worry before gazing down at her.

"A-Are you okay?" She asks me hesitantly.

I glance at her curiously since I don't know what brought on her sudden shift in focus.

"Eli," she states softly before bringing her hands to cup my face. "Where is your pack?"

I freeze at her words as the image of my neglected pack enters my vision. I rushed out of the house so quickly that I didn't even think – I forgot to – I didn't bring it. There were other, more critical things on my mind. My breathing begins to quicken as the realization hits me. I can feel my anxiety taking over and pulling me away from the present.

"No," Clare's voice sounds out to me in the haze while she brings my forehead down to rest against hers. "Don't leave."

I close my eyes as I attempt to push my anxiety away. I can feel the darkness threaten to overtake me again.

"Fight it," Clare says sternly as she remains a speck of light amidst everything else around me.

As if pressing fast-forward through a movie, I watch as many memories of my life flash past my conscious thoughts. Every pain I've ever felt. All the anxiety I've encountered. It all overwhelms me at once.

"I need you here," Clare's soft voice pleads with me not to let the anxiety take over.

I watch as images from my time overseas flood my mind.

"You can do this, Eli."

Finally, the recent memories with Clare take over. All the previous things that happened led me to her. The movie in my mind ends with Clare.

It always comes back to her.

My eyes shoot open and I stare straight into her familiar blue eyes that compelled me from the first day I met her.

"Eli?" She asks hesitantly after a few quiet moments.

Her vulnerability and worry along with all I've put her through makes me understand that she needs to come first. She means more to me than a pack that I'm unwillingly dependent on. I pull her tightly to me as my breath fans her face. "It's not important anymore," I whisper to her.

Her eyes moisten in relief as she lets out the breath she was holding in. I reach up and grab her wrists before pulling her hands from my face. I lead her over to her bed and set her down on the side of it before taking a seat next to her.

Although I can feel the terrifying emotions of my anxiety on the outskirts of my conscience mind, I choose instead to focus on the one thing that was strong enough to make me ignore my pack. I try to tuck my hands from her grasp since it honestly hurts too much holding someone I treated like crap, but she holds them to her tightly in her lap.

"Clare," I speak up and have to clear my throat when my voice breaks.

She turns to look at me and the traces of moisture have since left her eyes. She takes a deep breath before speaking. "I was supposed to write an article on PTSD. I was planning to interview different doctors and soldiers, but I happened upon you." I watch as she swallows before continuing. She opens her mouth and closes it as she thinks of what to say. "I knew – I had a hunch – that I was going to develop certain feelings for you. I couldn't stop that. I-I tried because it was wrong to use you, and I didn't – I wasn't going to…" She trails off as she bites her lip. _Still my same Clare._ "After we started to build a relationship, I knew I couldn't give you up. If I had to give up my position, I would." She shrugs one shoulder in defeat. "You told me to write about how awesome you are. Remember that?" She laughs under her breath. "So I found a way to have both, or at least I thought I did."

When she doesn't speak for a few moments, I ask, "Why didn't you tell me?" I don't speak in a harsh tone. Instead, I try and be as gentle as possible.

"I didn't know how, but Dave and Alli were pushing me too because it would have been the right thing to do. I was planning on telling you tonight."

I purse my lips together. "I feel like everyone knew but me. That sucks."

"Don't be mad at anyone else. This is my fault." Her lip quivers once again as she speaks. "You were right. Everything has been my fault. People had a r-right to leave me. I-I must've done something…I don't deserve," one of her hands releases mine and flies up to cup her mouth in an attempt to hold in the emotion.

I shake my head at her words. "No, Clare – "

"Stop. Please." Her muffled words are laced with pain. She lets go of my other hand and turns slightly away from me. After a few moments, she speaks up again. "I was just trying to protect our relationship. I didn't want to cause you pain. But hey, I should be used to it by now, right? I should have known there's something wrong with me."

"There's _nothing _wrong with you." I say with emphasis on my words.

She shakes her head as she stares up at the ceiling. "But you said – Eli, you said I was the reason. I was at fault."

"I was upset. I didn't mean that – "

"I want to believe you. It would be easier that way, but no one ever said life was easy."

I clasp my hands together. "You have to trust me," I tell her softly. "I'm not lying right now. If I meant those things…If I didn't want anything to do with you, do you think I would've come to find you tonight? Do you think I would've dropped everything and ran out the door without my pack if you weren't the single most important thing on my mind?"

She turns her body fully to me. "But I don't deserve to be that."

"And I don't deserve what you wrote about me," I counter.

Her eyes snap up to mine at my words. "You – "

I nod my head before getting off the bed and kneeling before her. I reach for her hands and hold them in mine tightly. I stare at the bedspread as I speak, not being able to look her directly in the eyes. "For a very long time," I swallow against the ever-present lump in my throat. "I have felt like a prisoner in my own mind. Even before a doctor told me, I knew. This all just made it official." I blink rapidly as I feel my emotions overwhelm me. What can I say? _I love her._ "I had given up on getting better. I didn't see a reason to. I had more things holding me back than pushing me forward. And then I met you and you," I laugh under my breath. "You wouldn't leave me alone no matter how hard I pushed you away. From the moment you walked into that hospital room, I knew I was a goner. I had no say in the matter. I tried to. I'm stubborn as hell. But it got to a point where not being with you hurt more than the nagging guilt that kept reminding me every damn day that I didn't deserve you. I _still_ don't deserve you. You said in your article that I saved you," I shake my head to myself. "I think you've got it mixed up."

I glance up at her and am surprised to find her eyes are closed as her head is angled towards her lap. I reach up and grasp her chin, forcing her to look at me. Her eyes flutter open and she hesitantly matches my gaze.

"Maybe you were wrong in not telling me, but the way I treated you is unpardonable. I regret what I did more than you'll ever know. But Clare, you have to see – you have to realize that I'm no good for you," I shrug my shoulders at my words. "The man you praised in your article doesn't exist. I've tried to become that person, but I always fail."

"No," Clare's whisper stops my rambling thoughts. She squeezes my hand tighter before speaking. "You are an honorable, strong man. Tonight, it didn't matter that I hurt you. You still came back for me. You protected me. You've been protecting me since day one."

"A lot of the situations I ended up protecting you from were my fault in the first place."

"It doesn't matter."

"It matters to me!" I say sternly. I gasp in a breath as I try and control my increasing emotion. "I am trying to protect the one person I _cannot_ lose. But you know what fucking sucks? Realizing that the thing I have to protect her from the most is myself."

"You can't be serious right now," Clare responds. "After all we went through tonight, after all we've been through, you're going to walk away?"

I shake my head. "I don't have a choice."

"Yes, you do." She states in a much stronger tone than she's used recently. "That's the problem here, Eli. You always act like everything is out of your grasp. You forget that you have a say in this."

"I have to stop hurting you, Clare."

"Then stop hurting me. Don't abandon me. Please."

I release my hold on her hand and push the heel of my hand against my eyes. I take in a few deep breaths.

It remains silent around us. All I can hear is Clare's gentle breathing and my fluctuating one.

I don't know exactly what causes me to say it.

After all, they always say to wait for the perfect moment. There is no way this can be that moment.

But I know that I can't go another second without her knowing.

"I love you," I whisper aloud before releasing my eyes and looking up at her.

Her eyes are wide with shock and she gasps softly.

I swallow before speaking. "I love you so much I can't think straight sometimes. I love you so much that you mean more to me than anything. So just tell me, Clare, tell me what it is you want me to do because I can't – I don't know what – I…" I trail off at a loss for words.

She reaches forward and places both her hands gently against the side of my neck. "I want you," she whispers after a few silent moments and her words seem to float in the air around us.

_"I'm telling you this so that you know Clare's perspective. No one understood mine. Especially not my husband. She knows who you can be. She knows you're not your illness. And even if you don't, she knows you'll beat this. So she is choosing to stick by you. You're doing the right thing by respecting that. Clare has the right to her own choices."_

I let Dr. Kalat's words from a therapy session that seems ages ago sink in. If Clare wants me, even if I don't understand that, I have to accept it. After all, Clare doesn't understand everything I choose to do. Hell, I don't understand some of the things I've chosen in the past. But she still accepts that as part of me and she chooses to embrace it. I owe her the same.

"I promise you that you will _never_ be left alone again, okay?" I tell her gently. She nods her head in response. I reach forward and grasp her waist. "I'm not going anywhere."

A small smile tugs on the corners of her lips. I glance at her curiously. "You love me," she says in disbelief.

I take in a deep breath before pushing my forehead against hers. "So I guess the Beast ends up with the Beauty in the end," I whisper against her lips.

"Turns out the Beast wasn't such a Beast after all," she responds softly.

And for the first time in a long time, I'm beginning to believe it too.

**Life is just better when Eclare is together isn't it? :P I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. We have a few more left and I'm VERY excited for what is to come. So I shall go off and continue writing and I cannot wait to hear from you all about your thoughts on this chapter. Until the next update, goodbye lovely people! :)**


	27. Chapter 27

**Hello there you wonderful readers! :) I hope you all are having a day as amazing as you are! So I know, I'm absolutely terrible. This update took much longer than I had anticipated it would. I got a little overwhelmed with school and work. And on top of that, I'm going to be having surgery in a few months so I've had a few doctor's appointments about that. So all in all, I've been busy. But I finally got a chance to finish this chapter. It touches on a sensitive topic and I hope I did it justice! I love you all so much and am ovewhelmed on a daily basis with all your support and motivation. Thank you to all my reviewers. You guys make my day. And SilverHeartt, hopefully this chapter makes you smile regardless of what may be going on around you! :) Enjoy this chapter my dears. It's dedicated to all of you because without you guys, this story wouldn't be here.**

I can't help but smile as Clare's ever-present giggling sounds in the air around us.

"And then Marianne said there's been a good amount of response to my article considering it is my first one after all," Clare says enthusiastically as she continues to talk about her new position at the newspaper. "Of course, there are critics. Not _everyone _is going to love what I wrote."

"I love what you wrote," I tell her before squeezing her hand as we continue walking towards the hospital on base.

She glances up at me and laughs. "Well it is about you so I would hope so."

I smirk at her. "Want me to beat them up?"

She lifts her eyebrows in response. "What? No!" Clare laughs. "I can take care of myself. And besides, how easily you forget that the pen is mightier than the sword."

I furrow my brows together in confusion. "Okay, so how about you bring a pen and I bring a sword. We'll see who wins then." I smirk at her, smug with my retort.

Clare shrugs her shoulders as she looks in front of her. "Well, that's easy. I'll win."

I stop walking and turn towards her. She looks up at me curiously. "Care to explain?" I ask her humorously.

"You'd never hurt me," she answers with firm belief.

The confident way she says it and the fact that I actually believe in that statement cause me to bend down and place a kiss against her forehead. "I love you," I whisper to her as I rest my forehead against hers.

She closes her eyes and smiles softly in response. Before she can say anything, I pull back and tug on her hand. "Come on," I state gently. "I wouldn't want to be late to my potentially last session."

Clare sighs before falling in step next to me. "You always do that," she whispers almost as if she's expressing an inner thought she doesn't want me to hear.

I let go of her hand and wrap my arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to me. She lifts her right hand and laces her fingers between mine. She's right. Anytime, I feel like Clare is going to return those same sentiments to me, I manage to steer us away from it. It's not because I don't want to hear that Clare loves me. I would be on cloud fucking nine if I heard that. But what I don't want is for her to feel obligated to say it. After the incident a few weeks ago where I practically ripped her apart, I've been working my ass off to patch things up and put her together again. I wouldn't be able to say I loved someone after they treated me the way I treated Clare. So I'm giving her time. I just don't want her to feel pressured to say it until she's ready. And truthfully, she probably is ready and she probably does want to say it, but I'm just unsure if _I'm_ ready to hear it.

Because as ecstatic as I would be to know Clare is in love with me, I want to deserve her love before I know I have it.

Today could make or break all that.

I drop my arm from Clare as I reach forward and open the door to the hospital for her. She thanks me with a smile before walking in. We make our way towards Dr. Kalat's office in silence.

"I'll be here when you're done," Clare tells me in a warm tone before taking a seat in the waiting area across from the office.

"Thanks for being here," I tell her genuinely before placing a hand on her cheek. She leans into my palm and lifts her hand to grab mine. She gives it a gentle squeeze before releasing me and I turn around to enter the familiar room.

"Mr. Goldsworthy," Dr. Kalat welcomes me after I enter. "It's so great to see you. Come on in."

I smile at her and make my way to my usual seat on the couch.

"How is everything?" She asks me with a grin on her face as she gathers her paper and clipboard and takes a seat across from me.

"It's great," I tell her honestly. "I feel like…" I trail off as I lift my hands animatedly. "I feel like I'm not imprisoned anymore."

"We've been hoping to hear that since day one," she responds. "Before I get to the news which I'm sure you're anticipating hearing, any new situations I should know about?"

I shake my head at her. "Not really. I haven't felt the need to take my pack with me in a few weeks. Well, sometimes it feels like I'm forgetting it and I have to remind myself it's not a necessity."

She nods her head knowingly. "That's understandable. It's been a part of your routine for a long time now. Habits are hard to break."

I laugh under my breath. "Tell me about it," I mumble. "But besides for that nagging at me sometimes, I've been good."

"No nightmares?" She asks.

I shake my head in response.

"Flashbacks?"

I shake my head once again.

Dr. Kalat takes a deep breath before glancing at her papers. "So it's been three weeks since your last flashback and two since your last nightmare. According to the PTSD criteria, you're doing very well. There has not been any recollection of the trauma recently. And the lovely lady sitting outside shows you are healthily expressing emotions," Dr. Kalat says knowingly before looking up at me with a smile.

I glance down and feel an uncharacteristic warming in my cheeks at her words.

"How is your sleeping routine?"

I lean forward and rest my forearms on my thighs as I clasp my hands together. "I'm getting a decent amount of sleep each night. I sleep through the whole night. No interruptions," I inform her.

"I don't want to be overly excited about this. I want you to be healthy, but I need to be realistic for your sake."

I nod my head knowingly.

"I've seen how much you've improved. You haven't been experiencing PTSD symptoms for a while now and I am hopeful that this progress will continue. But there is still a chance it can return. You're in the grey area."

"So what's my next step?" I ask her.

She purses her lips together. "That's what I want to discuss with you. I can sign you off right now. You can pass your psychological evaluation with flying colors. But we both know what the consequences of that will entail."

I take in a deep breath and release it before speaking up. "If I'm healthy to go, I will."

I watch as Dr. Kalat's expression relays her battling thoughts. "Are you sure? We can push this back."

I shake my head. "Dave is getting ready to go," I inform her. "He just passed his physical evaluation. He's planning to be shipped out in a few weeks." I pause for a moment before continuing. "I want to go with him."

Dr. Kalat puts her materials on the table in front of us. "Eli, I'm saying this as your friend and not as your doctor. I know the passion you men have and I know the camaraderie you share. My husband's closest friends are those he's fought with in battle. So believe me when I say that I know that the last thing you want is your best friend fighting out there without you."

"Damn straight," I tell her in a confident tone. "Dave's done a lot to help me since we've been back. I mean, I attacked the guy and he didn't even hold it against me once. It's not right to let him go alone."

"Does Clare know about your decision?" She asks.

I glance down and shake my head. "She will soon though."

A few moments of silence pass between us. "Okay," she tells me while nodding her head. "Then it is with great pleasure – "

"Wait," I cut her off. "Do you mind if I bring Clare in for this?"

Her eyes widen at my comment. "That's a first."

I shrug my shoulders. "She deserves most of the credit. I want her here."

"Go ahead," Dr. Kalat responds.

I smile at her in thanks before getting up and opening the door.

Clare immediately looks up from the book in her hands. "That was quick," she says.

"Actually," I start walking towards her. "I was wondering if you wanted to join us for the rest of it."

Clare's jaw drops and I swear I can see her eyes watering. "Really?" She asks in a soft tone.

I nod my head. "I want you in there with me." I reach out a hand to her and she eagerly takes it. I lead her into the office and we both sit on the couch. Clare scoots as close to me as possible while holding my hand tightly in her right one and wrapping her left one around my upper arm.

"Clare, it's good to see you again."

"Thank you. Same to you." There is no denying the liveliness in Clare's voice. This is the first time I've brought her into a session. Until reading her article and fully letting her in, I did not see myself as Clare did. I saw my illness – and my therapy sessions – as a weakness. Clare saw strength in it.

"I have good news for you two," Dr. Kalat begins. "Eli has been doing extremely well. His PTSD seems to have ended in less than three months. Most of the time, those who suffer for three months or more are diagnosed with the chronic version of the illness. They do not respond well to treatment. But Eli has been working hard and I've seen him transform."

Clare squeezes my hand and I can practically feel the pride radiating off of her.

"Therefore, I am more than happy to tell you that Mr. Goldsworthy has passed his psychological evaluation."

I can't help the massive grin from overwhelming my features. Clare lets go of her hold on me and claps her hands together in excitement.

"Eli!" She squeals aloud. "This is fantastic!"

I smile down at her and laugh at her childlike response. Not wanting to make Dr. Kalat feel uncomfortable, I settle for giving a chaste kiss to Clare's temple. "Thank you," I whisper into her ear before turning towards Dr. Kalat. "And thank you to you as well."

She holds her hands up in front of her. "I'm just doing my job."

I shake my head. "No, you did more than that. Both of you guys know I'm not always the easiest guy to get along with. And I know I've said and done a lot to you two that I'm not exactly proud of. But it's thanks to you two that I'm here right now."

"It was our pleasure, Eli." Dr. Kalat smiles at me before grabbing her papers and standing up. "I believe it is time for you two to celebrate. Go ahead. I will file the paperwork and you can stop by a little later for a copy of it."

"Thank you," I tell her again.

She smiles at me as the three of us walk towards the doorway.

"It's been an honor, Eli. Good luck with everything." Dr. Kalat reaches her hand forward.

Not being able to help myself, I pull her into a hug instead. I know she wasn't expecting it, but she laughs into the embrace. "I wish there were better words than 'thank you' – "

She pulls away. "Those are enough," she tells me with a smile.

I let go of her and take a step back towards Clare. "Shall we?" I ask her offering her my arm.

Clare giggles as she wraps her arm around mine. "We shall," she responds as I lead her out of the hospital and away from the dark struggle I've dealt with recently. I walk outside and immediately feel the sun on my face.

Light versus dark.

I glance down at a grinning Clare looking up at me.

Joy versus pain.

I laugh before bending down and wrapping my arms around her waist. Clare squeals as I lift her up and spin her around. After a few circles, I stop and look up at her.

"I'm so proud of you," she tells me.

"I'm pretty damn proud of me too," I laugh against her face. She grins in response knowing that just that statement relays exactly how much I've progressed past the Eli who would berate himself to an Eli who is more confident in his ability to be a good person.

"I think this is where you kiss me," Clare teases as she wraps her arms tighter around my neck, bringing us closer together with the action.

"I think you are right," I smirk at her and lift my eyebrows before connecting my lips with hers. The familiarity of the touch overwhelms me. I feel so attuned to Clare when we're embracing like this. It feels like the nerves under the skin connecting with her blaze at a rate significantly higher than normal. The nerves at the back of my neck fire when she brings her hand to rest there. The skin on my cheek heats into a flame as she cups her free hand against it. My heart beats erratically as her chest is held flush against mine. And the sensitive skin of my lips – I'll be damned if I ever tire of the feeling of her lips on mine.

I pull away slightly as I slowly bring her back down to the ground. I rest my forehead against hers, not entirely ready to pull apart yet.

"Clare," I clear my throat when my voice breaks. _Thank you for believing me. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for being with me. I love you._

"Yes?" She whispers with her eyes closed.

I notice a very familiar tree in my peripheral vision and smile at the memory that comes with it.

_"Tell me you're okay," she pleads with me._

_"I can't say that," I tell her gruffly._

_Her breathing begins to increase. "What can I do?"_

_My Adam's apple bobs lightly as I swallow. "Nothing," I whisper._

_She bites her lip. "Do you want me to stay?"_

_I open my eyes and she stares back at me, pleading with me to just let her in for a moment so she can help me. It almost seems like she needs me to let her stay. Almost as if walking away would mean leaving more than one person's broken pieces at the foot of the tree._

_"Eli?" She asks aloud vulnerably in a whisper as I remain silent._

_I pull away from her slightly so I can fully look at her as she keeps her hands placed against my cheek and shoulder as she is frozen with uncertainty. She glances down at my fisted hands for a moment before meeting my rarely exposed gaze again. My eyes shake slightly with emotion as they fiercely capture hers and they tell her my answer before it has the chance to escape my lips in a hoarse whisper._

_"__Stay."_

Clare's eyes flutter open at my silence. "What is it?" She asks.

I nod towards the tree to our side. "Look familiar?"

She glances to the side and a smile makes its way onto her features.

I reach up and cup her cheek, turning her gaze back towards me. I look directly into her blue eyes that still captivate me. "Thank you for staying," I whisper against her lips.

About a week later, I find myself fidgeting nervously in front of the home that belongs to none other than Clare's parents.

Dave laughs from his position next to me. "Bro, calm down."

"I can't," I tell him frantically. "This is the first time I'm meeting them and I'm still worried Jake's going to come at me with a knife at some point."

Dave erupts into laughter again before resting his hand on my shoulder. "I won't let that happen. And plus, it's not like it's a sit down dinner. It's a party. Much less intimidating," he reassures me.

I nod my head as I take in a deep breath. "You're right," I say. "But don't forget, I'm telling Clare today."

At this, Dave stiffens next to me. "I don't envy your position. Telling Alli was one of the hardest things I've done. Leaving her will top it."

I clasp the bouquet of flowers tighter in my hand. "Did she cry?"

Dave nods.

"Yell?"

He nods once again.

"Push you away?"

"Let's just say I slept alone that night," he says.

"Fuck," I mutter under my breath. I'm not exactly thrilled at the prospect of hurting Clare. _Again._

"Look, Eli. This is just another part of what we do. This is what we signed up for." Dave sighs before continuing. "The earlier you tell her, the better. Clare is new to this. I remember the first time I was deployed…As painful as Alli's response was this time around, it was easier than that first time."

I rub my forehead absentmindedly. I signed all the papers earlier this week. With Dr. Kalat's clearance and the rest of my contract looming over me, I managed to get the opportunity to be deployed with Dave. I don't regret my decision, but it sure as hell would be a lot easier if I didn't have to hurt Clare in the process.

"Ready?" Dave asks from next to me.

I shake my head.

"Too bad," he teases before ringing the doorbell.

I stiffen as we wait for the door to open. When it finally does, for a moment I forget about all my nagging, guilty thoughts and take in the beauty of my girlfriend.

"Before you even ask," I begin. "We're here to join the party." I teasingly smirk at her.

She glares at me. "That wasn't funny."

Dave chuckles from next to me. "Actually, it kind of was." He nods at me before walking past Clare undoubtedly on his way to find Alli.

"It wasn't funny," Clare repeats.

"Not at all," I joke sarcastically.

She bites her lip in an attempt to suppress the smile from growing on her face. I step closer to her and wrap an arm around her waist. "Hey, you know I love you right?"

She rests her hands against my chest and pushes against me slightly. "Sure," she responds nonchalantly.

_Well, that won't do._ "These are for you," I tell her softly handing her the flowers.

"Thanks," she says in a monotone. If it wasn't for the glimmer in her eyes and her failing attempt to stop smiling, I would think she was serious.

I cup her cheek with my now free hand playing along with her. "I, Elijah Goldsworthy, am in love with you, Clare Edwards," I whisper before pressing my lips against hers. After a few quick moments, Clare pulls away.

I raise an eyebrow at her curiously. She finally breaks into that smile of hers I've come to love. "Much better," I state.

"Thank you for the flowers," she says in a much more Clare-like tone. "They're beautiful."

I shrug my shoulders smugly. "Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady. Makes sense."

The familiar bluish brightens Clare's cheeks. "Come in," she says as she grabs my hand and leads me into the house. I immediately notice there are a lot more people here than I expected.

"What exactly is the occasion again?" I ask Clare.

She laughs. "It's a combination between a belated party for my article being published and Jake's dad finishing a major construction project. Most of these are his workers and their families."

I nod my head in understanding. Clare pulls me towards the kitchen. "It's about time you met my mom," she says enthusiastically.

I groan inwardly as my nerves get the better of me.

"Mom?" Clare calls to her as we walk into the kitchen. A woman with brown hair turns towards us a tray of cookies in her hand. My thoughts immediately wander to when Clare and I baked what seems like ages ago. I smile at the memory. "This is Eli."

I immediately walk forward and reach out a hand to her. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Martin." Clare previously drilled me on not referring to her as Ms. Edwards. It's a sensitive topic I guess.

She smiles at me before resting the tray on the counter and covering my hand with both of hers. "So this is the famous Eli."

"Famous I'm not sure," I respond lightheartedly. "But Eli, yes."

She chuckles at my words. "Welcome to our home." She releases my hand.

"Thank you for having me," I tell her.

Both of our attention turns towards Clare when Alli rushes in. "Clare!" She exclaims. "You have to come see this."

I want to literally dig a hole under the ground and bury myself in it when Clare glances at me apologetically and allows Alli to drag her out of the kitchen.

"Would you mind grabbing that plate over there for me please?" Mrs. Martin asks me.

"Not at all," I respond as I walk over and bring it to her.

"So, Eli. How is everything? Clare tells me you've been healthy for about a month now."

I close my eyes in shame. It sucks when people bring up my previous illness. _It's not like that defines me. _I stop my thoughts when I realize that I used to believe it did. I can't expect immediate understanding from others that took months for me to learn myself. "Yes, I've actually been doing very well."

She smiles up at me. "You're living here in Toronto for the time being, correct?"

I nod my head. "I moved out of my residence on the base earlier this week once everything was finalized there. I actually rent a room at my friend's apartment for now."

"Dave?" She asks as she gently rests the cookies on the plate.

I shake my head. "No, um, I live with my friend Adam. I've known him for a long time now. But Adam's planning to move in with his girlfriend soon so Dave and I have talked about getting a place together."

Mrs. Martin nods her head hesitantly. "You don't expect that of Clare do you?"

My eyes shoot open. "Um – excuse me?"

"Moving in together," she clarifies.

I clear my throat awkwardly. _Anyone have a shove? I'm in a room full of construction workers and not one shovel in sight. Fuck, there goes the "burying myself in a hole idea"._ "I have no expectations, Mrs. Martin."

She glances up at me with a small smile relaying that I most likely said the correct answer. "Good."

Deciding this is probably the best time to deliver the whole "I love your daughter" speech, I speak up. "Mrs. Martin, your daughter is my best friend. She's the kindest, most patient person I've ever met. I honestly don't know if I'd be healthy right now if it wasn't for her." I purse my lips together before continuing. "I love her."

She stops transferring the cookies to the plate and turns to me. "I know you do," she tells me gently. "It's hard not to love a girl like Clare."

I shake my head at her. "There are no girls like Clare. It's only her." I correct Mrs. Martin as I glance up and watch Clare laugh animatedly at something Dave said.

She pats my hand gently with her own. "Here," she says giving me the plate now full of cookies. "Go ahead and add this to the table."

I look down at her and she simply smiles in response. Nodding at her with a smile of my own, I grab the plate and place it among the other various food items on the table.

"I didn't know you could be so domestic," Clare teases from next to me.

I chuckle at her words. "Don't tell anyone. It'll ruin my reputation."

She giggles. "So what were you and my mom talking about?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Just about how awesome I am, how good-looking I am, how funny I am – you know, the usual." I smirk at her.

"I know the answer, but still I must ask. Could you be more smug?"

"Absolutely!" I exclaim in response.

She shakes her head at me humorously. "Come on," she says as she reaches for my hand and drags me towards the party.

For the next few hours, I get introduced to a good amount of people whose names I don't remember, eat a good amount of Mrs. Martin's cooking, and enjoy my time with my friends. Underlying the entire festive atmosphere around me is the fact that I won't have this in a few weeks.

In a few weeks, I won't be sitting on the soft cushion of the couch.

I'll be lying on a cot in the middle of the Iraqi desert.

In a few weeks, I won't have my comfortable, black attire on.

I'll be covered in the camouflage uniform I know so well.

In a few weeks, I won't be eating home cooking.

I'll be forcing food much less appetizing down my throat.

In a few weeks, there won't be this laughter and joy around me.

I'll be surrounding by tension, fighting, and pain.

And most importantly, in a few weeks, I won't be holding the gentle, small hand that rests in mine.

I'll be holding a gun tightly to me.

The owner of the small, gentle hand doesn't even have a clue. I groan inwardly as my gaze rests on her.

She's smiling at one of Alli's antics and doesn't notice me staring. I take in the sight of her like this and try my best to engrave it into my memory. Like I've mentioned before, the images of war easily take over your senses when you're out there. Sometimes, it is so prominent that you slowly lose the images you're desperately holding onto.

I don't want to lose this one.

Clare's blue eyes shine and match the joy of her smile. Her curls fall onto her shoulders in that perfect way they always manage to. Her brightly colored dress fits snugly to the curves I can't find myself able to release when they're in my grasp. Her small hands relay the warmth that resonates through her whenever they caress mine.

As if realizing I'm looking at her, Clare turns to me knowingly. She squeezes my hand in response.

I glance down before looking up at her. "Can I talk to you outside?"

Her eyes widen quickly for a moment before returning to normal. "Yeah, sure."

We both get off the couch and she leads me to the back porch behind the house. Clare closes the door behind us and we are welcomed by the peace and quiet of the outside environment. She walks forward and rests her hands on the wooden railing of the small porch. I make my over to her and wrap my arms around her waist tightly. She leans back into me while I rest my chin on her shoulder.

After a few moments like this, she speaks up. "Tell me what's wrong."

I stiffen for a moment before releasing my breath shakily. I swallow nervously against the lump forming in my throat.

Clare and I have been doing so well for the past few weeks. It's just been me and her. No illness. No drama. Just pure happiness.

I'm about to crush all that.

_I think I do this way too often._

I squeeze her tighter to me and nuzzle my face against her neck.

I hear her let out a gasp as if anticipating that what I'm about to tell her will not make her happy. I glance forward and notice her hands beginning to shake on the railing.

With a sigh, I release her and reach for her hands. I turn her to me and lead her over to a bench set against the wall. I take a seat and she slowly follows suit.

Not exactly sure how to begin this, I open my mouth and close it several times.

"Eli, you're scaring me." Clare speaks up in a nervous tone.

I purse my lips together as I let go of one of her hands. I reach up and rest my hand lightly against her cheek. She grabs my wrist and turns her head to deliver a chaste kiss to my palm.

_Shit, I'm going to miss that._

I let out a deep breath before beginning. "You mean more to me than anything else in my life."

Her blue eyes pierce mine as they begin to shake with emotion.

"I never thought I was capable of loving someone the way I love you. You're always in my thoughts, Clare. It's like you consume me, but I don't – I don't mind it. I need you to know that." I tell her slowly.

My hands slip down from her face as I lean forward and rest my arms on my thighs. My eyes look towards the small backyard as I purposefully avoid her gaze.

"You know how Dave is being shipped out in a few weeks?" I ask softly.

I see her nod in my peripheral vision. "Alli's been pretty shaken up about it. I've been trying to help her, but she's been through it before. I think she's handling it better than expected."

"That's good," I tell her. I release a shaky breath when I realize there are no more words attempting to leave my mouth.

Clare scoots closer to me. She rests a hand on my back and leans her forehead against the side of my head. Her free hand comes to rest on my clasped ones.

_Shit, I'm going to miss that too._

"Why are you bringing that up, Eli?" Clare asks in a whisper and just from her tone, I realize she may already have an idea where this is going.

I close my eyes and silently ask for forgiveness for doing what I'm about to. "Because I'm going with him."

Clare's body slumps forward against mine and I feel her shake her head into my neck. "No, Eli."

I shift my body towards her and she looks straight at me with watering blue eyes. I reach forward and grab her hands in mine. Needing a few moments of silence, I play with her fingers, randomly twisting her ring around her finger.

_Shit, I'm going to miss everything about her._

When I notice a tear fall onto our joined hands, I look up. "I have to go," I tell her as gently as I can.

She shakes her head frantically. "You don't have to do anything. Y-You just got better. They can't take you yet."

"Hey," I say in a quiet tone as I rub my thumbs against her hands. "This is my decision. I'm choosing to go."

Clare sucks in a breath. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"Of course you do," I respond.

"Really? Because it seems like you've already made your decision." She harshly tugs her hands from mine and stands up. I watch her back as she walks towards the railing once again. I rub my hands along my face before holding them together tightly in my lap.

"Clare," I say softly so as not to anger her any further. "I'm a soldier. This – This is who I am. You knew that going into this."

She shakes her head. "No," I hear her say. "No, you are…you are a son. You're a friend. You're _my_ boyfriend! That's who you are."

I stand up and make my way over to her. I stand next to her and look out into the backyard. "Yes, I am all those things. But all those things you said come together to make one soldier."

I hear a sob rip out of Clare's chest and stab me straight in mine.

I move my hand to rest atop hers. I feel her try and move her hand, but I hold it tightly in mine. "You do have a say in this, Clare." I purse my lips together as the words I'm about to say pain me more than the news I just told her. I told Mrs. Martin. _I have no expectations_. "I don't – I don't expect you to wait for me. I can't ask you to do that. But – "

"Excuse me?" Clare exclaims. I'm taken aback by her tone. "You don't _expect _me to wait? So what, Eli? You think when you leave, I'm going to be perfectly fine and move on to the first guy who walks past me? You have got to be freaking kidding me!"

My jaw drops in confusion. "I – I didn't mean – "

"If you don't want to be with me Eli, you don't have to go halfway across the damn world! You don't have to throw yourself into danger."

Her words shock me since being without her is the _last_ thing I want. "Clare, that's not at all what this is about. This is about me fulfilling my duty. And I can't let Dave go out there alone. It isn't right."

"So you'll leave me alone?" It's as if those few words knock the wind out of me. "You promised! You promised you wouldn't leave." Her shoulders slump forward as another sob escapes her.

I reach forward and wrap an arm around her. I pull her to me tightly and am relieved when she succumbs to my embrace.

"I'm not leaving you, Clare."

"It sure looks like it," she mumbles against my chest.

I shake my head. "I'm going away for a little while, but I'll be back. And if you'll have me, I'll be back with you."

Clare's hand fist tightly into the fabric of my shirt. "You don't know that," she mumbles against my chest.

"I'll fight like hell, Clare. I promise you that. And hey," I whisper softly as I pull away and force her to look up at me. "I have what no other person out there has. I have you to come back to."

"That's not enough," she says as her lip quivers.

"You're enough," I reassure her in as strong a tone as I can considering it feels as if everything around me has stopped and is slowly, agonizingly slowly, falling apart.

She shakes her head before pulling away from me. She reaches up and wipes the moisture away from her cheeks. "I can't believe this," she says after a few moments.

"Fuck, Clare – I can't stand this. I can deal with whatever the hell life throws at me, but I can't see you like this."

She shrugs her shoulders. "This is a consequence of your decision, Eli. I don't know what you want from me. I've been by your side since day one and I feel like no matter how hard I try, I _always _lose you."

I swallow harshly against the lump in my throat. "I. Love. You." I tell her with emphasis as my own eyes begin to burn with the building moisture.

And the one time I'm ready to hear her say it back to me, she doesn't.

"You have a really strange way of showing it," she manages to get out before covering her mouth in an attempt to suppress the sob escaping her throat.

I walk forward towards her. "Clare, please – "

"Don't." She cuts me off and lifts her hands up to stop me. "I – I need some time alone. I need to process this."

I nod my head at her words. "I know."

"I'll be back in a little while, okay?" She asks me in a soft tone.

"I don't know how you expect me to just let you leave right now."

She laughs under her breath before smiling up at me. "Now you know how I feel."

My gaze shoots up towards hers at her words. She walks forward and lifts herself up on her toes before delivering a chaste kiss to the side of my mouth.

She pulls away and I search her gaze, but for once, Clare's emotions are hidden from me. I feel a shiver run through me at the sight.

Her hand lingers on my cheek before she drops it and turns back towards the house. I watch through the doorway as Clare heads straight for the front door and exists the residence.

As soon as the door closes behind her, I realize I'm not here anymore.

Clare's taken every damn part of me with her.

**Don't hate me. I dislike Eclare apart as much as you guys, but it's important to relay this. There are a few more chapters left folks! And strangely enough, I'm probably most excited about them than most of the other chapters of this story. I've been imagining what's coming since I sat down and began Love is Revival so I'm over the moon to finally be here writing them! Please do leave me your reviews since they make me giggle just about as much as Clare does when she's around Eli. :) See you soon! **


	28. Chapter 28

**Hi my dears! I hope this update finds you all happy and enjoying life! :) Goodness, this chapter took a lot more out of me than I had expected. I've had it written in my mind for so long now that sitting down to write it was much harder than I expected. But I was able to write it and hopefully do it justice! May I just take a moment to say thank you to the reviews for that last chapter. Honestly, some of the things you guys say are just so sweet and motivational. I never anticipated anything I write creating such a response and the fact that I managed to get the best readers ever is just the cherry on the top! Just as a side note, I noticed some of us were upset with Clare's reaction to Eli's news. I am in no way supporting her words and actions, but am merely relaying what I believe best fits the character she has. I was ECSTATIC to see the amount of response there was to her. I know some of you might be confused as to why I would be excited about someone disliking my character, but just the fact that something I wrote managed to get us thinking and to create a response has me over the moon! That's something I want my writing to do - evoke emotion. And when it does, I can't help but be happy! Thank you so much for your continuous support everyone! You guys are the best and deserve all the awards! Enjoy! :)**

My chest heaves with every breath I take as I open the doors to the familiar building. Running from my house in my attire was not a smart idea seeing as how my heel clad feet are begging for me to sit down, but it sure helped clear my mind.

I swallow deeply in an attempt to slow down my rapid gasps of air. I let out a long breath before walking forward down the aisle of the church I've attended since I was a little girl; the church that I neglected for so long when my parents divorced and when Asher attacked me.

Alone in the sacred building, the soft sound of my footsteps echoes around me. I slide into the pew next to me and take a seat, my eyes drinking in my surroundings. The church is illuminated by a multitude of candles lining the walls and a small smile makes its way onto my face when I realize my legs instinctually led me to the pew that my parents, Darcy, and I always used to occupy on Sundays before everything changed. I lift my purse strap off my shoulders and settle the small accessory next to me.

I glance towards the front of the church where a simple cross hangs from the wall. I think about what that symbol stands for. Jesus dying for the people He loved. The sacrifice made for our sins.

_Sacrifice_.

I bite my lip as my thoughts wander to the dark haired man I left back at the party. In the same way, Eli is sacrificing everything to fight out at war. He's sacrificing his relationships. He's sacrificing a chance to stay safe and sound at home.

There is no guarantee he will come back.

He's sacrificing his life.

And in turn, he's sacrificing mine. Because in the minute amount of time of our courtship, Eli has easily become the single most important presence in my life. And losing him would mean losing a significant part of me – if not all of me.

For the first time in a long time, I clasp my hands together and bow my head. My eyes flutter closed as I close off my senses and focus on my silent prayer.

_Um…Hi God._

I bite my lip awkwardly. I've been away from my faith for so long, what makes me thing God will hear my prayers? I let out a long breath before continuing.

_In case You weren't aware – which I guess You are, but um…I've been seeing this guy Eli. I think – I know why You chose him for me. He's my complement. Opposites attract, huh?_

I laugh under my breath.

_The thing is, he's being deployed in a little over a week. And I don't know if he's coming back._

I feel my eyes burn against my closed lids.

_I remember sitting in this same exact spot and asking You for so many things. I particularly remember requesting a baby blue tricycle when I was younger. I think I asked for a book set and I cried when I never got it. I'm sure You're bored of how much I used to ask for good grades to please my parents. I remember begging You to keep my parents together and I remember yelling at You after what happened at _The Interpreter_. _

I purse my lips together as I feel my restraint on my emotions failing me.

_I can't believe I wasted so many prayers like that. All of that stuff…It doesn't even matter. God, please, if You're going to hear any of my prayers, pick this one. _

The salty moisture slips from the edges of my shut eyes.

_Keep him safe. Bring him back to me. I-I don't know how to be without him anymore. And I don't want to learn how. I just want him._

_I want him home safe. _

_I want to see him roll his eyes at his parents' antics._

_I want to hear Dave teasing him and Eli returning the favor._

_I want to walk down the aisle at Dave and Alli's wedding with him as the Best Man and myself as the Maid of Honor._

_I want to be able to look over and see him smirking at me._

_I want to feel his touch, his lips. Maybe that's not necessary, but…I'd like that too._

_But as I said, above anything, I want to wrap my arms around his neck and whisper in his ear how much I love him the moment he steps off the plane back from battle._

_I can't have these things unless he stays safe. I can't have these things if the images from his previous nightmares come true. _

_So please, I'll never ask for anything from You again. I promise. Just do this one thing. Please don't make me say goodbye to Eli._

_I've fallen in love with him._

I stop my thoughts when I notice a presence next to me. Someone has come and taken a seat next to me in the pew. Knowing who it is, I allow my eyes to flutter open and I gaze at the front of the church once again.

_Please._ I repeat for what seems like the hundredth time that night. _Protect Eli. Bring him home to me. And grant me strength and patience somehow. I don't know if I can handle this on my own. _

I lean back against my seat. "How did you know I'd be here?" I ask aloud without turning to the person.

"You're my little sister. It's my job to know you inside and out."

I suck in a breath before turning to face Jake. I offer him a small smile before glancing back down at my lap.

He clears his throat. "I talked to Eli."

I shift my gaze upwards and blink back the moisture pooling my eyes. "You did?"

I notice him nod his head in my peripheral vision. After thinking over his thoughts, he speaks up, "Clare, don't get mad, but you should have seen this coming."

"I know."

"So why the dramatic behavior?" Jake asks bluntly.

I turn and glare at him. "You're not helping."

He sighs. "Eli is a soldier. When it's his turn to go, he has to go. And he _wants_ to. This is his passion. What if he told you he didn't want you doing writing anymore?"

I shake my head adamantly. "It's not the same Jake."

"Yes, it is. The military is Eli's career just like journalism is yours."

"But I'm not risking my _life_ when I go to work!" I hiss at him.

"You have to accept it, Clare. There's nothing you can do. Stop being your controlling self for one minute and realize that there is a guy who cares a hell of a lot about you. A guy who is probably scared shitless about being deployed and on top of that not having the support of the one person he needs."

His words pierce through me. I'd been so busy focusing on my perspective that I didn't even try to acknowledge Eli's. _Thanks a lot, Jake_. The guilt overwhelms me and I stop trying to fight back my tears. "I'm scared too," I whisper to him after a few silent moments.

I feel Jake wrap an arm around my shoulders and pull me into his side. "It may not be the same, but I was scared when Katie went off to Stanford and I stayed here."

I look up at him. "Really?" I ask softly.

He nods his head. "Scared out of my mind," he laughs. "But it gets to a point where you just have to trust in the other person." Jake shrugs his shoulder against me. "And put yourself in their shoes. I wouldn't want to be without her support if I was off in a place I didn't know pursuing what I wanted. So I chose to be there for her. I don't mean to get all sappy on you," he laughs under his breath.

I shake my head. "No, no. You're right. With my article…Eli was so supportive when I was writing it even though he had no clue what it was about. I owe him, huh?"

"It's not about a debt, Clare. It's about what _you_ want."

I think back to all the things I listed that I wanted to God. It all comes back to one thing – well, one person. "I want Eli, but –"

"No," Jake cuts me off. "Make a choice. What do you want?"

"I want to be with him. Isn't that obvious?" I ask him with a slight hint of anger lining my tone.

"Not with the way you're acting."

"I'm acting this way because I care!" I snap at him. "Why can't you see that? Why am I in the wrong? I'm sorry that I'm not bouncing off the freaking walls with excitement about this. I'm sorry that I don't want my boyfriend in harm's way. I'm sorry that the idea that the man I love is leaving me and might never return scares the crap out of me. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so –" I stop yelling as a sob breaks through my chest. Jake tightens his hold on me and not knowing what else to do, I lean against him and cry into my hands. "I'm sorry," I mumble into my hands.

I'm not sure how long Jake held me as I wept next to him, but soon enough, my eyes tire of creating tears and my body is exhausted with emotion. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand and pull back from Jake. "Sorry," I whisper. "I needed to get that out."

He smiles at me before jokingly saying, "Is it a sin to swear in a church? Because if it is, then we're shit out of luck."

Against my own will, I manage to laugh at his words. "Hush," I tell him.

He throws his head back and laughs at my response. "Nice to have normal Clare back."

I glare at him playfully before glancing at the front of the church pensively. "Jake?"

His gaze shifts over to me curiously.

"Can you take me somewhere?"

"Back home?" He asks knowingly. "Eli's waiting for you."

I shake my head. "No," I purse my lips. I glance down before meeting his gaze. "C-Can you take me to my dad's?"

His eyes widen at my question. "Um, I don't think that's the best idea."

"Please?" I ask him. "I need to talk to him."

"I just don't think you're thinking straight right now," he argues.

"My thinking right now is much better than yours on a goody day," I tease him. "Take me to my dad's."

"Why?"

"I need to talk to him," I repeat.

He studies my expression and I try my best to put a strong front. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I say and hope my voice is convincing and not wavering.

He sighs before giving in. "Fine."

I grab his hand and squeeze it thankfully before getting up. We exit the church and hop into Jake's truck. The ride to my dad's apartment with his new family is quiet. The soft melody coming from the radio is the one thing breaking through the silence around us.

I know Jake is confused. I'm a little confused too. But it's about time I address the elephant in the room – well, the elephant in my life for that matter. I've ignored my dad since that day he didn't show up to our lunch at the diner. He's tried to get into contact with me, even going to such great lengths as to calling my mom. And believe me when I say my parents avoid each other at _all_ costs. So for him to be desperate enough to talk to my mom about me, well that says something in and of itself.

I swallow against the dryness forming in my throat and wince at the slight pain that caused. My heart begins to beat at a faster rate as the adrenaline pumps through my body at the sight of the apartment complex I've only been to once since the divorce. Jake pulls into an empty spot and parks his truck before turning to me.

"Clare, I'm going to ask you one more time. Are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to conquer all your demons in one night."

I chuckle nervously at his comment. "I know. That would be impossible."

He glares at me in response. "I'm serious. I think I've seen enough of crying Clare for a while now."

I offer him an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry about that. I'm fine," I tell him softly. "I'll – um – I'll be back in about ten minutes. I just need to talk to him."

Jake nods his head before pushing the button to unlock the doors. I step outside into the cold night air and make my way over to my dad's apartment. I stop in front of the doorway and take a few deep breaths.

_Breathe, Clare._

I lift up my hand and knock on the wooden door before taking a tiny step backwards.

For a brief moment before the door opens, I allow myself to divulge in one moment of pure peace. I let my thoughts wander back to a day I felt so lightheartedly happy that I can't quite remember a time where I felt so carefree. At least not since the innocence of childhood.

_"No, Eli! Don't!" I yell just as he turns the bag over and dumps the remaining flour on my head. My jaw drops in shock as I wipe the flour from my eyes and cheeks. "I hate you!" I exclaim._

_Eli just throws his head back and continues to laugh at me. "You look ridiculous," he chuckles._

_"I look ridiculous?" I ask him. He nods his head as he tries to suppress his laughter. "Well, you're about to look much worse." I reach forward and wipe my hands across his face and leave streams of flour all over his forehead, cheeks, and nose. I dart around him back to the counter and grab one of the leftover eggs. I hide it behind my back as I turn towards him._

_He eyes me skeptically. "What's your ammunition?"_

_I shrug my shoulders silently._

_He walks over to me and I lean away from him as he tries to look behind me. He nods his head. "Alright," he states as he quickly grabs my waist in his hands. I twist around trying to get out of his grasp._

_"Let go!" I laugh out._

_"No can do, Edwards." He smirks at me._

_I stop moving as a thought occurs to me. __I'm such a genius.__ I rest my free hand on his chest and grab a fistful of his, as always, black shirt. He lifts an eyebrow at me and I pull him lower. As soon as our lips meet, I know I've won._

_I smile against his lips as I reach up and smash the egg onto this head. His lips freeze against mine in shock before he pulls from me._

_I look at him as innocently as I can while grinning. He takes a few steps back from me in silence. "Well played," he comments as he reaches for the baking soda. "I wasn't expecting that. But unfortunately, I believe you're stuck."_

_I bite my lip as I glance around and realize he's right. There is only one exit out of the kitchen and he's blocking it. I try running around him, but he immediately wraps his free arm around my waist. I squeal as I try and unclasp his hand from my waist._

_Our laughter mixes together as Eli dumps some of the baking soda on me before resting whatever is remaining on the counter. "That's payback for the egg," he acknowledges as he wraps his other arm around my waist._

_I lean into his chest. "I told you baking could be fun," I tease._

_He turns me around to face him. "I won't lie to you, Clare. I haven't had that much fun…I haven't laughed like that in a __very__ long time."_

I open my eyes to the sound of the door opening in front of me.

The first thing I notice is that he looks the same. Appearance wise he still resembles the man who used to tuck me in every night before giving me a goodnight kiss on the forehead. But that's just the thing. Never judge a book by its cover.

The second thing I notice is that he looks absolutely shocked to find me on the other side of the open doorway. And who can really blame the man? I've made it perfectly clear that I want nothing to do with him and his new life. So I'm sure seeing me is the last thing he had expected to happen that evening.

And the third thing I notice is that he is gazing at me in the way he used to. His expression is the same one that he would use whenever I needed consolation and comfort. It's the warmest expression he has. It doesn't extract the same response from within me as Eli's loving gaze never fails to do. But the fact that my shocked father looks grateful to see me does give me some sort of courage.

I clear my throat before speaking. "Sorry to just – um – come here without any notice."

He adamantly shakes his head. "No, no. Clare-bear, it's good to see you. Come in, please."

"It's alright. I'm fine out here." I swallow nervously and open my mouth to speak, but no words come.

"Is everything okay? Your mom – did something –"

I shake my head. "No, s-she's great." I bite my lip as I take in a deep breath. "Dad, why didn't you…" I trail off before glancing down at the ground. "I waited for you and you never showed up."

"Clare –"

"I just don't get it. You asked to meet me and then you never came. Why am I never enough for you?" I look up at him with watering eyes.

"You are, honey. You're more than enough. I-I was wrong." He sighs through his nose. "I was there," he shrugs his shoulders.

My eyes widen at his words. "I'm pretty sure you weren't."

"You were wearing jeans and a blue top. I was in the parking lot sitting in my car."

I glance around as I avoid his gaze. "That – What? Why didn't you come inside? You knew I was there!"

"Clare-bear, I-I wasn't ready. I couldn't find it in myself to go inside."

My jaw drops in shock. "That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. And believe me, I've heard the strangest things from Jake." I take in a deep breath before unleashing my pent up emotions. "_You_ are supposed to be the adult! Not me. You're supposed to take charge and be a part of my life. Not the other way around! How is it justified that _I_ have been making all this effort for you and you ran away because you were scared? You're acting childish!" I yell at him. Albeit a lot of my frustration and anger that I'm relaying is simply my mixture of emotions with Eli's situation being projecting onto my father, but I can't help it.

"You're right. And I realized that. I just – you wouldn't talk to me afterwards so I never had a chance to explain."

"Can you blame me? Dad, I can't even fathom your excuses!" I exclaim as I relay my emotion with my hands.

"I'm sorry. I know I was wrong. I'm admitting that. Can you just please lower your voice? The kids are sleeping." He glances back into his apartment.

I scoff at his impertinence before shaking my head. "I didn't come here to yell at you. I-I honestly don't know why I came. Well, I do, but…" I trail off as I bite my lip out of nervous habit. "I need to know that I'm important to you. I don't know why I need that validation, but my boyfriend is going off to God knows where fighting God knows who in a war I don't understand. And I need someone to tell me that I'm enough of a reason for him to come back."

My dad takes a few steps towards me at my words. "Clare-bear, I didn't know you were seeing someone. Let alone someone in the service."

I nod my head as my lower lip trembles. "His name is Eli," I smile shakily at the thought of the man I've come to care so strongly for. "And he is wonderful. But he's leaving soon and I don't know how to handle it." I gesture to the man standing in front of me. A man who is familiar and a stranger at the same time. "Because my own father left and never came back. How can I be sure Eli will?"

My dad sighs before reaching out and hesitantly wrapping his arms around me. I succumb to the familiarity of his embrace and cry quietly into his chest.

I cry over the fact that this is the first time I'm hugging my dad in ages.

I cry because I'm scared.

I cry not only for Eli, but because of the tremendous pride I feel in the man he has willingly become; an honorable, courageous person.

"He will come back. Because if he has been so lucky as to secure your affections, then he must be one hell of a guy. He must be a better man than I am. Just because I failed, doesn't mean he will."

I think my dad was trying to reassure me, but his words make me cry even more. Because even though I have treated him like crap, he still believes in my goodness.

"How can you be so sure?" I mumble into the fabric of his shirt.

My dad pulls away from our embrace and gently wipes away my tear stained cheeks. "Because if any man is going to return from war, it's going to be the guy who has _my_ daughter to return to. If that's not enough to bring him back, then no one else over there stands a chance."

I smile gratefully up at him before squeezing him to me once again. "I'm sorry, Dad," I whisper.

I hear him take in a shaky breath as he becomes overwhelmed with his own emotions. "I'm sorry too."

I pull away from him and take a few steps back. I swallow in an attempt to suppress the lump that has grown in my throat. "I-I'm not sure how I feel about having you in my life, but now I know how it feels to have no control over my relationships. I can't control what is happening between Eli and I, but I _can_ decide what I want to happen with our relationship. And let's just say I have a new found appreciation for that freedom. I want to use it."

He smiles down at me gratefully. "Whatever you decide, you know how to find me. And I promise you, it will be better this time. I will be better this time."

I nod my head in confirmation. "Thank you," I whisper to him before pulling him in for another quick hug. "I have to go. Eli's waiting for me. We're kind of in the middle of an argument right now." I laugh under my breath.

"Go," he says as he nods his head. "Good luck, Clare-bear."

I smile softly at him before turning around and rushing back to Jake's truck.

"Are you alright?" Jake asks me as soon as I enter the car.

I nod my head. "Surprisingly yes," I inform him. "It went well. I heard what I needed to hear."

Jake looks over at me curiously. "That's not cryptic at all."

I chuckle at his words. "Just drive," I respond.

"As you wish, your majesty," he jokes before turning on the truck.

It takes us approximately twenty minutes to arrive back at my parent's place. My eyes wander to the front door and a smile makes its way onto my features.

I notice him before he notices me.

Eli is sitting on the porch step, head bent down, and one leg bouncing up and down nervously. He glances up at the sound of Jake's truck and immediately shoots up off the step. Eli begins to rush over to where Jake is parking the car parallel to the side of the street before he abruptly stops. I feel my heart literally drop in my chest as he glances down at the ground shamefully.

_He doesn't think I want to be with him right now._

I exit the car and close the door quietly. Standing next to the truck, I wait for Jake to leave before making any sort of conversation with Eli.

Jake glances over at me and I nod in confirmation. He gives me a smile in support before walking towards the front of the house. He lays a hand on Eli's shoulder and they whisper something to each other. I just see Eli nod once before Jake leaves and grants us some much needed privacy.

I shuffle my feet before glancing up at the man I have come to love more dearly than I ever honestly thought our human emotions were capable of. His green eyes meet my blue ones and they pierce straight into me. My insides do this vicious twisting thing they always seem to do when I'm around Eli. It's such a strong reaction that I feel a little sick. Although, I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing.

He reaches up and rubs the back of his neck nervously. "Hey," he offers.

"Hi," I respond softly. I bite my lip nervously before lifting my right hand up for him as a silent gesture for him to come.

His gaze travels from my face to my hand and back to my face once again as if asking for permission. I nod my head and have to refrain from giggling at the fast pace that he makes his way over to me with. Before I can even get a chance to appreciate him from up close, he wrap his arms around my waist and pulls me flush against him. I reach up and fist one of my hands in his hair. I smile at the comfort that comes with the familiarity of Eli's ragged breathing on my neck.

"I don't think you know how fucking worried I've been," he mumbles against the skin on my neck causing me to shiver against him.

I pull slightly away and look up at him. "I went to see my dad."

Eli's eyes widen at my words. "You did? How was it?" He glances up and down my body protectively as if looking for anything to be off with me.

"It actually went really well," I respond. "I – um – I needed to know if…" I trail off a little embarrassed at my explanation.

"What is it, Clare?" Eli asks me before reaching up and cupping my cheek with his hand.

I glance forward at his chest and play with one of the buttons on his shirt. "I needed him to reassure me that I'm significant enough."

Eli's hold on me tightens at my words. "Clare…" He trails off as he shakes his head. "That's something you should never doubt."

I shrug my shoulders. "It might not make sense, but it's what I needed."

He nods his head understandingly. A small silence falls between us and for some odd reason, I appear to be very much engrossed in the pattern of Eli's shirt.

"Clare," Eli starts as he clears his throat. "I don't know if this will sound selfish and I frankly don't give a shit if it does."

I look up at him and nod my head for him to continue.

"I've been to war before, but that was before I had you. I've fought in battle without having you to fight for. I've let my thoughts wander to things I should not be focused on because I didn't have you to think about. And I came back completely consumed by what happened to me. That's when I met you. Now that I know what it is like to have you in my life, I can't – I'm not sure if I will be able to go back and fight without your support." His eyes shake with emotion as they hold my gaze. "If I don't have you to fight for, if I don't have you to think about, if I don't have you to return to…" He shakes his head as he trails off. "I'm not sure I'm going to be able to come back as strong as I am now."

I fist my hands against his chest and clump his shirt in my fingers. "Eli, I am so sorry about earlier."

He shakes his head. "You have nothing to apologize for. I shouldn't have just dropped it on you like that. I didn't even – I haven't been in this situation before. I mean, I've left my family and friends, but it's just…this is different. I'm leaving the person I love more than anyone." He lifts up his hand and tucks my hair behind my ear.

"No, you were right. You _are_ a soldier. And that's why I'm with you. You are strong and courageous. You make me feel safe and protected. All these facets I love about you are because you are a soldier. And you never have to apologize to me for who you are."

I watch his Adam's apple as he swallows nervously.

"And if it's my support you're worried about," I lift up my hands and cup his face. "Then you should know that I will be the first person you see when you walk off that plane and come home. I will be waiting for you until you come back." My eyes sting at the moisture beginning to build in them. "I told you, whatever you need, I'm yours."

Eli lets out a sigh of relief at my words before pulling my closer to him. "You amaze me, you know that? I can't wrap my mind around the fact that you're putting your happiness in my hands. But damn it, Clare, I will fight like hell. I promise you that. I'm not accustomed to the way I feel about you, but I can't imagine anyone else feeling as strongly for anyone like I do for you. And no one will battle harder than me to come home."

I smile softly at his words as I taste the salty moisture that has been streaming down my face. I bring his face down and rest my forehead against his. "Eli, I'm scared," I confess to him.

"Me too," he admits in a whisper against my lips.

"But I'm not scared of the things I used to be. I was so insecure and weary of trusting people. It's completely different now," I shrug my shoulders against him. "I'm terrified of losing someone I trust with every part of me."

Impossibly, Eli squeezes me to him even tighter.

"I guess that's good, right?" I laugh under my breath. "That's progress."

Eli chuckles against me before remaining silent for a few moments. "You're talking to the guy who wouldn't let anyone in. I love you, Clare Edwards. I think that's progress too."

I feel my body involuntarily shudder at the huskiness in his voice. My eyes flutter closed when I feel his lips brush in a ghost like touch against mine.

"And I will continue to love you no matter where the hell I am," he states before returning his lips to mine in a soft caress.

I lift myself up on my toes and wrap my arms tightly around his neck. I fail in suppressing a soft moan from escaping my lips as he moves his against mine in a slow, sensual way. Every part of me becomes much more aware whenever I'm in Eli's strong embrace. I can feel every inch of his body connecting with mine. I notice the contraction of his fingers as they dig a little deeper into my waist. My heart beats even quicker when I feel his own pump forcefully against my chest. And I completely surrender to the response his lips entice from me. Before he has the opportunity to deepen the kiss, I pull away from him.

He glances down at me curiously and lifts his eyebrows as if asking me why I stopped.

I whisper the words so softly that if the wind had not blown between us at that exact moment and carried my voice to him, I'm unsure if he would have heard them. "I love you," I tell him in a hushed tone.

A blissful silence overcomes us after my words. Eli grabs my chin with his fingers and lifts my gaze up to his. He looks at me intently, as if studying my expression. As much as I shiver under the intensity of his eyes, I continue to look into them. I'm not sure exactly what Eli is looking for, but when he lifts his hands to cover mine on the back of his neck affectionately, I'm sure he found it. I feel his fingers rest between my own and smile at the sensation it causes. Eli tugs at my hands and brings them down to his chest. I notice my insides do that twisting thing I was talking about earlier when he bends down and brushes his lips against the back of my hand.

"That's all I need," he whispers.

I lean forward and kiss the side of his neck before nuzzling my face against his skin. Eli tenses slightly against me and I begin to pull back, but a gasp escapes my lips when he pushes me back against the side of Jake's truck. His hands leave mine and reach under my thighs. I jump up and wrap my legs around his waist just as he lifts his head and crushes his lips against mine. Not expecting his sudden expression of passion, our lips move sloppily against each other as if they too are so overcome with emotion that they can't function properly.

I constrict my legs tightly around him when his tongue makes contact with mine. I try to keep up with the fast pace of Eli's movements, but pretty soon I surrender and let him take control. The fire that always seems to inflame my insides when Eli and I are together soars to new heights when his fingers begin to caress the bare skin of my thighs underneath the fabric of my dress. And when his hips barely, almost as if accidentally, rock against mine I feel like my whole body has erupted into inextinguishable flames.

"Eli," I moan against his lips as if that alone relays that I _need_ him to save me from the burning sensations running through my veins.

He pulls away from me and pushes his forehead against mine. Our ragged breathing mixes between us as his eyes darkened with their lust look straight into mine.

"Sorry, I got carried away," he manages to get out.

I shake my head. "More," I whimper and am surprised to realize how needy I sound. Eli seems taken aback by my response so I take matters into my own hands and pull him to me once again. The moment my lips meet his, a voice sounds through the haze of our embrace.

"Seriously guys? Not on my truck!" Jake yells out to us in a grossed out tone.

I pull away from Eli and we both chuckle before turning to Jake who has retreated back into the house.

Eli's gaze returns to mine and I rub my thumb along his cheek affectionately.

"I love you," he says as he delivers a kiss to my inner wrist.

"I love you more," I counter.

He shakes his head. "That's not possible."

I open my mouth to retort, but Eli silences me with the touch of his lips against mine. "I believe you requested more?" He asks in a husky tone.

I smile at him, but pull away when he tries to kiss me again. He looks at me with a confused expression. "When do you leave?" I ask him in a melancholy whisper.

It takes him a few seconds to respond since I know he wasn't expecting me to bring that up at this moment. "In fifteen days."

I bite my lip at his response before lowering my legs from his waist. Eli holds me until I've stabilized my feet on the ground. I take a small step away from him before reaching forward and grabbing his hands in mine.

He looks over at me worriedly. "I know it's soon, but –"

I shake my head as I cut him off. "That's alright," I say confidently with a smile. "It's plenty of time."

**I just couldn't stand our dear Eclare not being together for long. They are just too cute for words! Anyhow, I'm totally going to be late for class if I don't leave now, but please my loves, write to me your thoughts on this chapter. I sincerely hope you all enjoyed it! Take care you wonderful people! I'll be speaking with you all soon! Bye now! :)**


	29. Chapter 29

**Hello there you beautiful people! :) I'm hoping you are all having a day as lovely as you are! Goodness gracious, do you guys rock my socks off or what? Those reviews were just amazing. Everything you guys write is so dear to me and I hope you know that I'm not just saying that. We're now 29 chapters into this story. I never in my life thought I would write one this long, but you guys have been motivating me each and every step of the way that it made writing this story that much easier. So a huge thank you to all of you! I wish I could reply to each message you guys send me, but just know I appreciate it more than I can say! Seeing as how our lovely Eli and Clare have been through a lot, I figured a chapter of fluff was called for. What do you think? :P Enjoy!**

This is going to end up being one of those moments that I replay in my mind over and over once Eli is shipped out.

I purse my lips to suppress my chuckles from sounding out into the peacefully quiet room in order to maintain my presence a surprise. I tiptoe towards Eli's bed and can't help but smile at his sleepy expression. It's good to see him in a serene slumber after weeks of being haunted by nightmares.

I brace myself as I count down quietly in my mind. Finally ready, I jump up onto the bed near his sleeping form. "Wake up!" I giggle out.

Eli jerks awake beneath me. "What the hell?" He mumbles out.

I jump on the bed once again for emphasis.

"Seriously, Clare?" He asks in an amused tone before turning over onto his back to look up at me.

I smile at him. "You have morning voice," I tease him.

He gasps playfully before reaching for my legs and pulling me down to straddle his waist. "Take it back."

I shake my head. "Nope."

He lifts his eyebrows mischievously before moving his hands from my legs to my waist. Before I have a chance to escape, he begins tickling my sides.

"Eli! Stop!" I manage to get out between my laughter.

"Not until you take it back," he responds.

"I can't breathe!" I laugh out as I squirm atop his form.

"You know how to make me stop," he chuckles.

"Alright! Alright! I take it back," I concede and slump forward onto his chest when he ceases his ridiculous antics. I tilt my head up and place a gentle kiss against the side of his neck.

"Now this is definitely a way I'd like to be woken up _every_ morning," he states as I pull away from him.

I smile in response. "I wanted to surprise you."

"I'm glad you did," he tells me in a soft tone. He furrows his eyebrows together. "Did you break into my apartment?"

I push against his shoulder playfully as I shake my head. "Adam let me in. He went to work by the way," I inform him. Reaching for one of his hands that still rests on my waist, I lace our fingers together and bring them up to my lips. I deliver a quick kiss to the back of his hand before saying, "I have a proposal."

"I'm not sure if we're ready to take that step yet," he jokes in a serious tone.

I gasp at him before gently slapping my free hand against his arm.

"What?" He laughs out. "I said we're not ready _yet_."

I smile when he squeezes the hand intertwined with mine. "Maybe someday," I whisper softly.

He takes in a deep breath through his nose before sitting up and drawing me close to him. "_Definitely_ someday," he corrects me as he rests his forehead against mine.

And there go my insides doing that twisting thing that makes me want to throw up. _In the best way possible._

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull us flush against each other. "I feel like there are a million butterflies fluttering everywhere in my stomach," I confess to him.

His body rumbles against mine as he laughs at my words. "Can I take this as a good sign?"

I nod my head in response before Eli pulls me down onto his bed. I roll off him and settle against his side while he wraps an arm around me.

"So you had a proposal?" Eli asks me as he plays with my free hand resting on his chest.

"Yes," I start. "I was thinking we hang out all day."

"I'm already liking the sound of this," he says.

I tilt my head up and smile at him. "And if possible, let's just for one day try and ignore the fact that you're leaving soon." I've noticed Eli tends to get uncomfortable when we talk about it. I want to give him a carefree day. He's seemed a little tense lately.

I feel him stiffen slightly against me. Eli quickly recovers and runs his free hand through my hair. "So a whole day spent with my beautiful and brilliant girlfriend and no talk of war?" He pulls my arm so I partially cover him. "Count me in," he whispers against my lips.

A little while later, Eli and I are walking hand in hand down the street, wandering aimlessly through the city of Toronto.

"Alli is determined to have a lot of pink at the wedding," I inform Eli when he asks about how the wedding planning went yesterday. "And I tried explaining to her that pink just isn't my color," I laugh out. "But it's her day and I'll wear whatever she wants me to."

"Easy for you to say. You look beautiful in whatever you wear. I, on the other hand, am _not_ wearing any pink. I don't care what Dave wants," Eli chuckles next to me.

I purse my lips, but fail in suppressing my laughter.

"What?" Eli asks.

"You – You would look ridiculous in pink," I giggle at the image conjured up in my mind.

Eli drops my hand dramatically. "Well then," he retorts as he walks in front of me.

"Wait!" I yell out as I speed up to catch up to him. I manage to cut him off and come to a stop in front of him. I lift my hands and grab the collar of his grey button up shirt. "I just happen to prefer you in darker colors." I lift myself up on my toes and whisper in his ear, "After all, black is sexy."

I pull back and giggle at his shocked and amused expression. _What can I say? He brings out the confident side of me_.

"Well then," Eli repeats his words from earlier and wraps an arm around my shoulders. Eli leads us down the street as we continue our conversation. "You're full of surprises today," he observes.

I look up at him with a smile. "Anyways, they're planning to have the wedding when you guys get back." I scrunch up my face. "Sorry, it's harder to avoid the topic than I thought."

He shrugs his shoulders silently. I bite my lip at his actions. As open as Eli has grown to be with me, I notice he tends to shy away from the discussion of his upcoming departure as much as possible. If anything, I thought I would be the one avoiding it, but recently I've been talking about it much more than Eli has.

Deciding to divert the conversation from that topic, I continue talking about the upcoming nuptials. "Alli is really excited," I tell Eli as a smile forms its way onto my face. "It's great to see her like this. And I'll be honest, I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid so this is exciting for me too."

Eli holds me tighter to his side. "I like seeing you smile," he tells me.

Just for emphasis, I flash him a giant, over exaggerated grin.

He throws his head back and laughs loudly. "If me in pink is ridiculous, I don't even know what to call that," he teases me.

"I was thinking of calling it 'really, really happy Clare.'" I look up at him. "It seems fitting, right?" I ask Eli.

He nods his head. "So when I see that, I'm free to assume you're happy?"

"You're free to assume that I'm really, _really_ happy," I correct him.

He smirks down at me. "Then I have to pull all my resources together and make sure you always look like that."

I rest my hand against his chest lovingly. He looks down at the gesture. For a moment, it's simply Eli and I as my blue eyes stare back at his green ones. For a moment, I forget about the new article I'm writing. I forget about the fact that the handsome man in front of me won't be here in a week. I forget about how he's been a little closed off lately. All I can focus on is the warmth and love that seems to radiate off me and towards him only to be reciprocated back to me with his own.

I duck my head down after a few moments and cuddle closer to his side. He tightens his arm around my shoulders as we continue walking towards no destination whatsoever. After a few minutes of blissful silence, I notice Eli has stopped walking. I glance up at him before taking in my surroundings. We've made it to a neighborhood park that is relatively empty this morning. Eli drops his arm and grabs my hand as he leads me over to sit on a bench. I slide into my seat next to him before resting my hands in my lap. I smile when one of Eli's much larger hands covers both of mine clasped together.

"You know, maybe I shouldn't always look like that," I tell him in a playful tone. "I'd probably scare people off with my ridiculously large grin."

I manage to get a chuckle out of Eli. "Probably," he confirms my thoughts. "But it would take a lot more than that to scare me off. So I guess you're stuck with me, Edwards."

I look up at him when he smirks at me. "I think I can deal with that," I tell him.

He shakes his head lovingly at me before scooting closer to me. I spend the next few moments silently running my fingers along his hand. I try my best to memorize every inch of the hand that I've only ever known to be gentle in its caresses. I can't imagine this same hand that has been my comfort and source of affection for seemingly so long pulling a trigger and ending a life. That fact does not scare or terrify me as Eli once thought it should. It simply amazes me that Eli and every other soldier fighting in battle has the ability to be this gentle, loving person one moment and a strong, determined warrior the next.

"What are you doing?" Eli asks me in an amused tone.

Keeping my eyesight on my fingers tracing the unique ridges and lines of his hand, I respond, "Do you remember the first time you held my hand?" I ask him softly before turning my gaze to him.

Eli swallows before nodding his head. "It was after the first flashback I had around you," he remembers.

"Yes," I confirm. "I don't think you know how happy it made me. If I wasn't so shocked at the fact that you were actually returning my touch for the first time, I would've had the 'really, really happy Clare' face on." I giggle at my words.

"I fought you for so long, didn't I?" He asks in an ashamed tone. "If I could go back, I wouldn't have made you wait as long as I did."

I shake my head at where his thoughts have led him. "No, no." I lean forward towards him. "I know why you did and I wouldn't change one thing about how you came to me. It made me appreciate you that much more." I shrug my shoulders before continuing. "You were more than worth the wait, Eli."

Not being able to hold myself back any longer, I lift up my hand and cup his cheek before connecting my lips with his. As if expecting it, Eli quickly returns my kiss and angles his head to move his lips more forcefully against mine. I pull away and rub my thumb against his cheek affectionately. "I love you," I whisper to him.

He shakes his head against my forehead. "I still can't believe it," he tells me softly.

"Well, you better believe it." I tease him. My eyes flutter open and meet his gaze. "I'm yours," I tell him willingly.

Eli's expression morphs into my favorite one. The same expression that has made me felt loved on countless occasions. The same expression that makes it obvious that when he tells me I mean more to him than anything or anyone else, he is being the honest man I know him to be. _Welcome back, butterflies._

Eli rests his hand against my knee and rubs his thumb against my skin through my tights. "I love you," he returns my words back to me.

"I know," I smile up at him. "Let's keep walking," I offer. "It's a pretty day."

He nods his head silently and falls into step next to me when we begin traveling down one of the paths through the park.

"Eli?"

He turns to look at me, a content expression on his face. I'd rather not erase that, but with everything going on, I realize it's much harder to avoid the topic of his departure than expected.

I bite my lip nervously. "I know our deal was not to discuss it, but I just…" I trail off nervously.

Eli stops walking and turns me to face him. "Wasn't it your idea to go one day without bringing this up?" He asks in a slightly frustrated tone. "Can we not talk about this? It's not good for me to be talking nonstop. I feel like that's all anyone is talking to me about. My parents, Adam, Dave…" He trails off for a few moments before continuing. "I just want to be normal for one second. I want to be with you. No distractions."

I rest my hands against his chest gently. "I know this is hard on you and I know I haven't exactly made it easy, but_ I_ need to talk about it. I feel like you're closing me off again. Every time I bring it up, you divert the conversation. We have to talk about this."

Eli drops his hands from my waist and glances to the side. "I know we haven't talked much about it since that day I first told you I was being deployed," he starts. "But I saw how hurt it made you to talk about it and I don't want to see you like that again."

I bring my hands up to cup his cheek and force his wandering gaze down to fix on mine. "That first day wasn't easy," I confess to him. "But I'm learning to deal with it and accept it. The thing is, Eli, I can't do that if we're not communicating about it. I've had to be on the outside of your thoughts for so long. Don't put me back there."

"I'm not trying to push you away," he tells me. "That's the last thing I want to do, but I just feel like we've always had to deal with something. My PTSD, your article, my deployment…" he purses his lips together. "You deserve to be happy, Clare. It's my job to make sure you are."

"Thank you," I say softly in gratitude for his thoughtfulness. "I really do appreciate that. But this isn't a one way street. I want you to be happy too. It can't be easy keeping everything bottled up inside. I'm supposed to be someone you can confide in. I don't want you to worry about upsetting me. That's not going to happen."

It remains silent between us for a few moments before Eli speaks up. "Okay," he says. "Let's go back to my place. We can talk about it."

I sigh in relief before lifting myself up on my toes and wrapping my arms around his neck. I close my eyes and smile when he delivers a kiss to the top of my head.

A little while later, Eli and I are sharing the couch in his living room. Eli is sprawled across the furniture with his head in my lap as I remain in a sitting position. I run my free hand through his hair occasionally while he grasps my other one tightly between his hands.

"I'm going to miss this," I say to him in a soft tone.

"You're telling me?" He responds before opening his eyes to look up at me.

"What?" I ask him after he stares up at me for a few moments. My cheeks begin to turn a bright shade of red as he looks at me.

"You're really beautiful, Clare."

I turn to the side and avoid his gaze. Eli lifts up one of his hands and brings my face back towards him. His eyes pierce mine and I noticed they're beginning to adopt a slightly darker shade than normal. Eli sits up and as if confirming my predictions, he pulls my face towards his.

Eli's lips cover my own in a slow, gently caress. Knowing this angle cannot be comfortable for Eli seeing as how he can fall off the small couch any moment now, I pull away from him. He looks at me confused as I push against his chest to move him further back. Having enough room, I shift my body to lie down on the couch before reaching up for him once again.

Eli happily obliges and brings his body down atop mine, careful not to put his full weight against me. His left hand trails down my right arm leaving a trail of goose bumps wherever it goes and finding my hand, he laces his fingers into the spaces between mine. His other hand reaches up to cup the burning skin of my cheek before he returns his lips to mine. I lift our laced hands above my head to rest atop the arm of the couch and am rewarded when his hand squeezes mine tightly.

Distracted by the sensations his kisses cause, I barely notice when my legs instinctually part and grant him space. Eli slowly brings his lower body to rest between my legs before removing his lips from mine. My chest rises and falls against his own as my labored breathing tries to maintain control once again. Eli begins to ever so gently kiss the soft skin on the side of my neck. When he opens his mouth and his tongue makes contact with my burning skin, my eyes drift closed and I tilt my head to the side granting him more access.

My free hand rests against his dark hair as Eli continues his attentions on my neck. Amidst my rapid breathing, a moan manages to escape my lips and I could swear I heard a low growl erupt from his chest.

_His chest_.

I bring down my hand from his head and reach under his shirt to explore the new territory I haven't had the confidence to do yet. His lips come back up and attack mine when my fingers begin to move against the contracting muscles in his midsection. I bring my hand down and tug against the hem of his shirt, wordlessly asking him to eliminate the fabric.

Eli pulls away slightly and rests his forehead against mine. His rapid breathing fans against my face and mixes with my own.

"I thought you wanted to talk?" Eli teases me in between his breaths.

I whimper. "Eli…" I trail off as my body's reaction to Eli's loving movements has clouded any possibility of formulating coherent thoughts.

He chuckles softly before returning his lips to mine, much less forceful than before. He unlaces our fingers, moves them down to my wrist, and back up to their original position before intertwining them once again. I shiver at the sensation it causes.

Neither of us wanting to break apart our joined hands just yet, I mange to bring his shirt up to his neck with my free hand before he releases my lips and lifts it off his head with his own. He releases our connected hands for a quick moment to get rid of his shirt before holding my hand once again.

I lift my hand hesitantly and let my fingers wander along Eli's toned chest for the first time. He swallows as my hand trails down to the waistband of his pants and back up to a scar just below his collarbone. Just like earlier with his hands, I try everything in my power to memorize the unique planes of his chest and store it in my memory. I bring my hand down his arm and gently finger the wound that two bullets left him with. The same wound that brought him to me in the first place.

I caress the healed skin gently before leaning forward and delivering a chaste kiss to it. As I'm falling back against the couch, Eli traps my top lip between his. As wonderful of a sensation as this is causing me, I can't help but need more. It feels like I can't get enough of Eli. And as is always the case, flames erupt beneath my skin wherever Eli touches me.

_I feel like I'm burning._

When his lips release mine and his forehead rests against my own, I manage to speak through my breaths. "I love you," I tell him as my eyes flutter open.

He swallows as his fingertips gently touch the brightly lit skin on my cheek. "I love you too," he responds. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

My chest rises against his bare one with every breath I take, causing a whole other sensation to ripple through my body. As much as both of us want to continue what we started, we remain in silence for a little while. Because soon enough, I won't have Eli around me like this. I won't have his lips on my own. I won't have his hand holding mine. I'll only have this memory of him until he comes back to me. So I leave my eyes wide open as I drink in the image of his loving gaze on me.

"I'm not scared about being out there," Eli begins once his breathing becomes more under control. "I trust my instincts. I'm a good soldier. And I have faith in every man standing beside me. But I'm scared as hell about leaving you."

Happy that he is finally opening up to me, I respond, "And I'm not worried about me. You've taught me what it means to be strong. I-I can be on my own. But I'm scared as hell about you fighting over there."

He chuckles lightly at my words. "Well that's funny," he begins. "You're worried about the same things that I'm not worried about."

I giggle at his realization. "And _you're_ worried about the same things that _I'm_ not worried about."

"I need you to do something for me," he states.

"What is it?"

"Trust me to do my job."

After a few moments, I nod my head. "I know. It's not easy because everything is so uncertain…"

"Not everything," he objects. He sits back and pulls me up with him. I curl my legs underneath me and sit on my knees as I face him silently. "You can be certain that I will be alert and focused, using all my training to my benefit. You can be certain that I will be thinking about you every moment I'm out there. And you can be damn well certain that I will be loving you from wherever the hell I am."

I smile shyly at him before glancing down. "You really do love me, don't you?"

"Like I said, I've never been more sure of anything before."

Knowing my next move, I giggle under my breath before looking up at him with my ridiculously large grin.

He grasps my waist softly as he laughs at my expression. "I believe someone is really, really happy at the moment."

I nod my head silently in confirmation.

"Good," he says as he delivers a light kiss to my forehead. "Mission accomplished."

**I'm not even going to lie, I was smiling and fangirling the whole time writing this. I just love happy Eclare, don't you? :) Anyways, I'm off to work now, but please do leave me your thoughts! Our plot will pick back up in the next chapter. I just figured we all deserved a break from the drama. I hope this chapter made you smile your really, really happy grin! If it did, then as Eli put it, mission accomplished! :) Bye my loves!**


	30. Chapter 30

**Hi there my dears! Oh my goodness, it has been a while, but hopefully you don't mind when you read this chapter. I worked really hard on it because this chapter signifies a lot and it does mean a lot to me. It's also the longest chapter to date which I hope makes up for the longer waiting period. Thank you again for your constant support. It brightens my day so much to read your lovely responses to this story! I'll let you get back to our Eli and Clare. Enjoy! :) **

"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" I ask Clare as we walk hand in hand to her car.

"Yes, I'm sure," she rolls her eyes at me. "It isn't practical for you to drive with me home and then walk all the way back."

"Still," I say as we come to a stop by the driver's side. "Last time I let you out alone this late at night, Jake wanted to behead me."

She laughs under her breath. "That was under completely different circumstances." Her eyes appear downcast as the memory takes over.

I take in a deep breath through my nose before reaching for her waist. "Circumstances that will _never_ happen again."

She nods her head silently. "Remember when I told you I was scared?"

I stiffen before nodding my head once.

"I think I was less scared of being alone with that Mark guy and more terrified of having completely lost you," she whispers softly before taking a small step forward to diminish the distance between us. "For those few moments, I realized exactly how much better my life was with you in it." She tilts her head up to look at me as she rests her hands against my chest. "I don't want to be without you."

I pull her flush against me. "That's never going to happen," I reassure her.

She traps her bottom lip between her teeth before glancing down and leaning against me. Her hands travel up my chest and find their familiar place at the back of my neck. "One more day," she whispers almost as if to herself.

I realize I've tightened my hold on her at her words. Almost as if the more firmly I grasp her, the more of a chance I have to stay here with her. "One more day," I repeat to her against her hair.

She tilts her head up and with closed eyes, her lips beckon mine. Bending down slightly, I touch my lips to hers in a soft caress. I slowly move my lips against hers because I know if I was to release all my emotions – all my passion, fear, anxiety, _love_ – I wouldn't be able to stop kissing her. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from loving all of her, not just her lips.

Clare lifts herself up on her toes and returns my kiss with more force than I've ever felt from her. Most of the time, she lets me lead, but it seems as if something has shifted inside her. Her tongue daringly makes contact with my lips and I eagerly open my mouth against hers, welcoming her newfound boldness. Not taking a moment to think, my instinctual actions take over and I roughly push her up against the side of her car. She gasps at the action and her lips cease their movement against mine.

My eyes shoot open in panic. I unconsciously take a step away from her. "Did I hurt you?" I breathe out in worry that I may have forced her body a little too harshly against the vehicle.

Her chest heaves with her rapid breaths. She shakes her head at me. "Q-Quite the opposite actually," Clare responds as her cheeks flush a deeper shade.

I glance at her curiously and I have to admit, a bit smugly. "Is that so?" I tease her.

She glares at me playfully. "Goodnight, Eli." She turns to unlock the car and steps inside.

_Well that won't do._ Before she can close the door, I take a few quick steps towards her. I grab the closing door and hold it in place. She glances at me with one eyebrow raised. I smirk at her before bending down ever so slowly. Her chin naturally tilts up towards me while her eyes begin to close. I brush my lips in a featherlike touch against hers in a teasing manner. "Goodnight, Clare," I whisper against her lips before quickly pulling away. I close the door for her and chuckle at her confused expression as her eyes flutter open.

Her fingers reach up and touch the lips I had just claimed as my own. She glances at me and shakes her head lovingly. I offer a genuine smile, a smile I had forgotten I even had until Clare reminded me. She starts up the car and with a wave of her hand takes off back to her apartment. I watch her go and wait for her car to take a turn at the end of the block before walking back up to my place.

Walking into my apartment, I close the door behind me and make my way over to the kitchen.

"Did Clare leave?" Adam asks me from his place where he is devouring the cake she brought over.

I nod my head silently before opening the fridge. I grab a water and let the cold liquid wash down the anxiety threatening to implode inside me. He eyes me warily before setting down his fork.

"Worried about tomorrow?" He asks me nonchalantly.

That's something I love about having Adam around. Even when discussing something serious, he speaks in a relaxed tone. It definitely helps make me less anxious.

I nod my head.

"Dude, your parents already love Clare and they haven't even spent that much time with her. Its one lunch. It'll be fine."

I chuckle. "It's not that." I walk over and take a seat at the table across from him. "It's my last day home, Adam."

He purses his lips together. "I wasn't going to have this conversation unless you needed it."

"Well, I need it," I tell him honestly. Last time I was shipped out, I spent the day with my parents and Adam. He knew exactly what to say to make the leave easier.

"It's different this time," he begins. "Last time, you didn't know what to expect. This time around, you do."

I let out a breath. "I'm trying to figure out if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"I think it's a good thing," he offers. I glance up at him and prod him to explain with a nod. "Knowing what you're up against means you know better how to defend yourself. Your last deployment was a learning opportunity."

"But it also means I know the hell I'm about to walk into," I remind him. "And I know exactly how fucking dreadful it is compared to being at home."

"And you're leaving someone behind that you didn't last time," he adds in. "That's what is really bothering you, isn't it?"

I remain silent as Adam's keen ability to know me inside and out makes itself known. "It's not that leaving you guys behind last time was easy," I inform him in fear that he thinks that it didn't mean much to be shipped out while he was still here.

"I'm not implying that at all," he reassures me. "But this is different. I get it."

I offer him a small smile in thanks. "I can't really explain it," I begin. "But it's as if being with Clare has let me actually live. I adopted a new perspective. I feel like I'm leaving a hell of a lot more behind this time. And it's because before her, I was closed off and cynical. She makes me feel things and that makes the world less dark than before. Damn, I sound like a sap," I laugh under my breath.

Adam chuckles. "Yeah, you do."

I glare at him before shaking my head.

"But," he continues. "You're talking to the guy dating a girl from the Sunshine State. I know all about how loving a certain girl makes the sun shine brighter. Before Becky, everything felt…unpromising. Now, it just makes sense."

I smile up at him. With Adam's…situation, for lack of a better word, dating has not come easy for him. But ever since finding someone who accepts him, I've noticed the changes with him. He appears happier. Much like the changes I went through when I met Clare. I swallow before speaking up. "Clare gave me hope when I felt like the memories were going to haunt me forever. I just don't want to come back screwed up like this last time. I can't put her through that again."

"You won't," Adam assures me.

"How do you know that?" I challenge him. "You don't know how much I pushed her away when we first met. I wouldn't let anyone in. I didn't feel like burdening anyone with my problems. And I have never deserved Clare. She let herself put up with a hell of a lot to be with me. I can't come back with PTSD again. If I do…I'd have to let her go."

"What the hell are you talking about?" He shoots back at me.

"I'm not going to hurt her like I did. I promised I would never treat her like that again," I tell him sternly.

"I feel like this conversation took a turn somewhere and I still went straight," he mumbles. "I thought we were talking about how amazing Clare made you feel."

"We were, but I have to get this off my chest." I take a deep breath as I gather my hands into fists. "The nightmares, the flashbacks, the mood swings…it's like you're no longer in control. Your own mind fails you. It succumbs to the trauma. The experience takes over." I glance to the side, not able to meet his gaze. "You feel so _weak_," I spit out. "You feel like you've let yourself get to that place and it's your own fault. Who would want to be with that?" I ask aloud. "Who'd want to deal with someone who could snap at any moment?" I swallow against my suddenly dry throat. "Who'd want to risk their own safety like that? Anything can trigger it, Adam. One time…the first time I kissed her, I heard a noise and it's like I was transported back to the war zone. All I could think was to get her safe and I _hurt _her in the process. She was cut by a vase I had shattered. I'm not going to do that to her again. I _can't_. It's not fair to her." I rub a hand against my face. "I'm scared shitless of coming back fucked up again."

"Dude…" Adam trails off at a loss of words for once.

I look over at him with watering eyes. "I'm so in love with her," I admit to him as I laugh under my breath.

"What would you do for her?" He asks me after a few moments.

"Anything I could to make her happy," I respond honestly.

"Then toughen up," he tells me sternly. "Fight like you're fighting for her. That's what you're doing this time around that you didn't before, Eli. _That's_ what is different. You're fighting to stay strong for _her_. You're fighting to return to _her_. She needs that from you."

I look down at the tabletop as I let his words sink in.

"You might think that makes leaving harder, and it probably does, but it makes what you go through over there a hell of a lot easier," Adam tells me gently. "You've found a _real_ reason to battle. And if you ask me, that's why you're not only going to make it back home, but you're going to come back stronger than before."

Damn, I'm a lucky guy. Not only do I get blessed with Clare, but I've had Adam's words of wisdom help guide me since back in high school.

"Thanks man," I say.

He laughs. "Anytime. And hey, I expect you to be back at the end of the four months because if you don't, who else will I get to make fun of?"

"Oh yeah?" I prod him before splashing some of the water from my bottle at him. "Who's laughing now?"

The next afternoon, I smile down at Clare's fidgeting form next to me. I wrap an arm around her waist securely. "Will you stop?" I ask her teasingly. "You look beautiful."

Her hands stop smoothing out nonexistent wrinkles in her dress. "I'm just nervous," she tells me softly.

"It's not like this is the first time you're meeting them," I remind her.

"I know," she responds as she leans into me and rests a hand against my chest. "But it's the first official one."

I furrow my brows in confusion.

She glares at me. "Eli, a five minute introduction, two Skype sessions, and passing by them on my way out your apartment do not count."

"Fair enough," I concede. "But you have nothing to worry about. They're going to love you. I know I do," I comfort her as I deliver a quick kiss to her temple. "And frankly, I'm more worried about them saying something embarrassing."

She smiles up at me. "Oh, I'm counting on that."

I shake my head at her before ringing the doorbell to the house I used to call home. My mom immediately opens the door. _Almost as if she was waiting right behind the door, which she probably was._ "Baby boy!"

I groan inwardly at the nickname. "Hi Mom," I respond before ushering Clare through the door in front of me. "This is Clare," I tell her as I proudly smile down at the girl tucked under my arm.

"Of course!" Cece responds. "It's great to finally have you over. Eli's been keeping you all to himself," she remarks before pulling Clare into a hug.

"Thank you for having me," Clare responds politely when they pull away.

"Where's Dad?" I ask her as we walk into the kitchen.

"He's bringing in the last of the barbeque," she informs me before grabbing some trays of food and setting them on the table. "Well don't just stand there frozen as ice. Have a seat!"

Clare looks over at me and I shrug my shoulders before pulling her chair out for her.

"Fuck, it's hot! Babe, where the hell can I put this?" I rub my hand against my forehead in embarrassment as Bullfrog comes running into the kitchen with a seemingly hot plate in his hand.

Cece immediately grabs at it with her mitted hands. "I have no sympathy for you," she chides him. "How many times have I told you to wear gloves?"

"More than I can count," he replies.

Cece throws up her hands exasperatedly. "Clare, let me tell you something about Goldsworthy men," she begins. "No matter how much they put up this front of the rebellious, misunderstood bad boy, they are no different from the average man on the street. Stubborn as a mule."

Clare giggles from her seat next to me. "I think I may already know that," she jokes along.

I gasp playfully at her. "No, please Clare. Tell me how you really feel," I tease her sarcastically.

She slaps my forearm softly before sliding her hand down and grabbing mine under the table.

An hour or so later, I add another tally to the count in my mind. Five times I've wanted to bury myself under the ground in humiliation. Three times I've wanted to slam my head against the table. And one time I've wanted to seriously grab Clare and walk right back out the door. She's been a trooper though. No matter what antics my parents pull, she remains unfazed by their comments.

However, one comment did get her leg bouncing nervously against mine and her cheeks flushing a bright shade of pink. That's the tally that made me want to get up and escape the embarrassment.

"So Clare, Eli's double bed is comfortable isn't it?" My mom asks at random.

_Fuck my life._

"E-Excuse me?" Clare asks.

"His bed," Bullfrog repeats for her with a wink.

Clare's jaw drops next to me as I rub my forehead in frustration. "Dad," I say sternly to cut him off.

"Nothing to be embarrassed about, Baby Boy," my mom starts. "We're cool parents."

I close my eyes and purse my lips together to stop the profanity from slipping out. That's when Clare's leg bounces against mine and I realize she's uncomfortable.

"Just stop," I say.

"Elijah Goldsworthy," Cece begins. "What's with the attitude?" _Just seriously bury me underground forever. _

"Another topic. Please." I look up at her with pleading eyes.

"Geez," she mumbles under her breath before turning to Bullfrog. "You'd think they'd never had s –"

"Mom!" I yell out to stop her. "I think we're done here. I'll help you clean up," I push my chair back, but Clare's hand rests on my knee.

"It's alright, Eli." She begins. "I don't mind grabbing the dishes. You and your dad go spend some time together. I'll help your mom in here."

_No way in hell am I leaving Clare in a room alone with my mom. _"You don't have to do that," I tell her.

"I want to," she tells me with a reassuring smile. "Go on."

My parents get up awkwardly from the table and begin clearing it. I lean down towards Clare. "I am so sorry. I knew they would pull some shit like this."

"You have nothing to apologize for," she tells me softly.

I reach forward and rest my hand atop hers. "Are you sure you want to be alone with her? She'll ask more questions."

"And I'll have answers," she reassures me. When I don't budge, she speaks up. "Please, Eli. This is the last time you'll see them in four months. I want you to spend this time happy with them. Not angry and upset with them."

I groan in concession. "Fine, but if you need me – "

"I'll come find you," she finishes for me before getting up from her chair and grabbing our plates.

I watch her walk towards the sink and make my way out of the room.

"You guys are unbelievable," I tell my dad before sinking onto the couch next to him. I rest one foot atop the coffee table.

"That was bad, huh?"

I scoff at him. "Bad is an understatement."

"Sorry, kid. We're an open family in this house. Always have been."

"I know that," I tell him. "But Clare is new to the family. That was overkill."

When he doesn't respond, I turn to catch him staring at me with an uncharacteristically emotional expression. "What?" I ask.

"You called her family," he states. "I never thought I'd see the day," he teases me.

I roll my eyes. "Whatever," I shrug my shoulders.

"Somebody is in l-o-v-e," he unnecessarily spells out.

"Grow up."

"Never!" He exclaims and I can't help, but smile.

A little while later, I walk back over to the kitchen, but stop right outside the entryway when I catch the conversation taking place inside. _A little eavesdropping never hurt anyone, right?_

"I've never seen him like this. He's different with you," I hear my mom's voice state.

"Different how?" Clare's melodic voice asks.

"He's always aware," she responds. "I swear he has at least one eye on you at every moment. Talk about overprotective. I don't know where he gets it," she jokes.

Clare laughs softly. "I didn't realize…" She trails off.

Cece chuckles. "Don't be embarrassed, honey. It's a good thing. I've never seen him so passionate about something – well, someone – before."

"I don't understand why," Clare comments. The fact that she'll never realize how amazing she actually is just downright kills me.

"I do," she says in an uncharacteristically motherlike tone. "Eli was closed off, but he always talked to us. It was hard on him. Losing Julia, finishing high school with the same people who judged him for it, going to war, coming back the way he did…" She trails off. "We've always let Eli do his own thing. That may have been our fault in the matter. But from what I understand, you didn't. And for that, we are grateful."

I rest my back against the wall and close my eyes as I continue to listen in.

"An angel appeared just when he needed it," Cece finishes.

"I'm no angel, Cece."

"You are to him," my mom responds simply. It may just have been the truest statement ever said.

Clare remains silent for a few moments and just when I'm about to turn into the kitchen, she speaks up. "I don't know if Eli gave you a copy of my article – "

"He did. It was lovely," Cece informs her.

"Thank you," Clare states softly. "But I wrote that because _he_ changed _me_. Sometimes, I get this feeling that he thinks he hasn't done anything for me. It's the exact opposite. I was so insecure and lost when I met him. My parents divorced a while back and my relationship with my dad has been rocky since. I may have been an outgoing person, but I was always closed off about my true emotions. I put up a front," she stops speaking for a moment. "He's the first guy I've trusted since my dad left. He's done so much for me that he doesn't realize. Just being with him has taught me so much. If anything, I need to step it up and do more for him."

I hear footsteps as Cece walks over and takes a seat at the table I'm assuming Clare is already sitting at.

"I'm running out of time," she comments in a shaky voice and I immediately recognize the tone. _She's crying_. "He's going to be gone in less than twenty-four hours. How am I supposed to repay him for everything he's done for me? How else is he going to know how thankful I am?"

"He knows, honey." Cece assures her in a soft tone. "He knows."

I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my stinging eyes. It's always painful when Clare cries, but even more so when I seem to be the reason.

"Look at me. I'm a mess. I'm so sor – "

"None of that. You look beautiful. Go to the bathroom and wash up. I'm sure Eli would like to take you out for the rest of the day."

"Thank you," Clare replies softly. "Eli's lucky to have parents like you. He may not know it, but I do."

Cece whispers a response, but my ears don't quite catch it. I open my eyes when I realize Clare is walking towards me. For a moment, I fall on my training and devise a strategy of escape. But the closer she gets, the more I realize I don't want to hide the fact that I heard her. She'll be embarrassed, maybe angry, but no way in hell am I not going to comfort her when she needs it.

I take a few steps backwards so as not to startle her, but she still jumps when she turns and sees me standing there. I hold up a finger to my lips to silence her, not wanting my mom to know I eavesdropped. I reach forward and grab her hand before pulling her towards the bathroom. Only after I close the door, does she finally speak up.

"Eli!" She whisper yells. "It's wrong to listen in on other people's conversations!" She chides me. "I can't bel – "

I crush my lips onto hers to silence her. I wrap one arm tightly around her waist and tangle the other in her hair. Pulling away, I rest my forehead against hers. "I love you," I say into the minimal space between us.

"Okay," she whispers after a moment. "I'm a little less angry now."

I chuckle at her words before taking a small step away from her. I reach behind her and grabbing a tissue from the container on the counter, I wipe away the few streaks of makeup that have made their way down her cheeks. She closes her eyes at my touch and doesn't resist as I clean away the evidence of her tears. Once finished, I linger my lips against her forehead. Her eyes flutter open when I pull away and toss the tissue in the trash can.

"I'm not sorry I overhead what I did," I start. She shakes her head at my words. "Only because I know you would not have told me that." I reach up and touch her cheek with my fingertips. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

She leans into my touch before nodding her head. "I know, but I don't want to burden you right now. You leave tomorrow morning. You don't have to worry about me."

"See that's where you're wrong," I retort. "I do. As your boyfriend, my job is to protect you. It doesn't matter from what, even your own fears. And it doesn't matter when, even right before I step on a plane to leave."

Her arms snake around my middle as she takes a step towards me and closes the distance between us. "I love you, Eli."

"That means that there is no 'debt'," I tell her as I remember her words from earlier. "You don't have to repay me for _anything_. Anyone with eyes can see everything you've done for me. The things you've done for me, Clare…" I trail off as I try and find the right words. "There are no words," I say when I realize there is truly no way to express my gratitude at her patience with me when I was dealing with my illness. "I love you in such a way that I want to give you everything. You don't owe me for doing that."

"The same goes for you," she replies.

"Then I guess you can say we're even," I joke before cupping her face and forcing her to look up at me. I drink in the image of her wide, blue eyes that have seen everything inside me and still see something worth loving. I bend forward and brush my lips against hers. "Damn, I'm going to miss you."

Before she gets a chance to reply, a loud voice rings out from outside the door. "Eli! You better not be doing certain things in there that you should not be doing in the guest bathroom!"

I groan before dropping my head to rest on her shoulder. "This is their way of being subtle."

Clare laughs against me. "You love them anyway."

I pull away from her. "Ready to go?"

She nods her head. "I'll go wait outside for you to say goodbye."

I lick my lips before pursing them together. "I'm not looking forward to that."

She reaches forward and grabs my hands in support. Clare smiles up at me and for a quick moment, everything seems better.

"Mom, please don't cry." I squeeze her to me tighter as I hug her goodbye after spending some time alone with them. "It doesn't suit you," I joke as she sniffs against my shoulder. Cece pulls away from me and wipes at her eyes.

"I'm sorry we can't be there at the airport tomorrow," Bullfrog says as he wraps an arm around her. "I'll quit my job if you need us there. I had half a mind to do it last week when they told me I couldn't take the day off at the station. Ungrateful bastards."

I shake my head. "Not necessary," I tell him with a smirk. "Honestly, it'll probably be easier." I don't mean any offense by it, but it's true. Seeing them at the airport upset will only make it harder to step on that wretched plane. I walk forward and embrace him, feeling both his arm and my mom's come around me. We remain like that for a few moments – a rare event in the Goldsworthy household.

I pull away from them. "I love you guys," I tell them honestly. "I'm going to miss you like hell."

"Stay safe, Baby Boy." Cece responds through her tears. "We can't tell you how proud we are for taking on this responsibility." She reaches forward and cups my cheek in her hand. "I love you."

"We both do," Bullfrog adds in before opening the door for me.

"I'll write to you when I can," I say as I walk outside.

"And call!" Cece interjects.

I laugh softly. "Whenever I get a chance to, I will."

We say our goodbyes and Cece hugs me one last time with a sob before they turn back into the house.

I stand there for a moment longer and have to forcefully blink back the tears as I stare at the closed door of the house I used to reside in for so long. I feel two arms snake around my waist from behind. Clare delivers a kiss to my back through the fabric of my dark toned shirt.

"As crazy as they are, they're the best parents on Earth," I tell her in a shaky voice as my lower lip quivers.

She squeezes her arms around me in response. I hold her hands for a moment before stepping out of her embrace and walking towards the sidewalk. I taste the salty moisture that has made its way down my face before I even realize I'm crying. The prospect of leaving my parents has hit me much harder than I thought it would. _Much harder than it did last time_. I take a seat on the curb and rest my face against my clasped hands.

There's an appreciation I have now that I wasted so many years of my life not having. It makes my life seem that much more fulfilling. I feel more whole. But it also makes me care a hell of a lot more than I did before. And with caring comes hurt.

She gives me a few minutes alone which I'm grateful for before she makes her way over to me. I look up at her when she comes to a stop at my side. I wipe away any stray tears and smile at her when she offers her hand. I willingly take it and stand up next to her. Clare lifts herself up on her toes and delivers a lingering kiss to my cheek. I wrap one arm around her shoulders silently and lead her down the street. Turning my head towards her, I whisper against her temple in a scratchy voice, "Thank you."

About an hour later, we make our way back to my place and I quickly unlock the door before leading her inside.

"Where's Adam?" She asks when the familiar noise of video games is nonexistent in the quiet apartment.

"He knew this was my last time to spend with you," I tell her as I grab her hand and spin her around. I pull her to me. "He agreed to be elsewhere." I begin to sway with her slowly.

She giggles. "There's no music, Eli."

I shrug my shoulders. "Doesn't mean we can't dance." _And if I'm being honest, I'm not sure if I'll ever get the chance to dance with her again._

She rests her forehead against my shoulder and I hold her closer to me. We move silently in sync. My senses are on heightened alert as Clare's heartbeat unsteadily meets with my chest. I nuzzle my face against her curls and breathe in her scent. The same scent I once told her smells like home. I deliver a quick kiss to that identical spot before pulling away and looking down at her.

"You know after the last time we danced," Clare begins with a hint of nerves in her voice. "You kissed me for the first time." I swallow at the peaceful happiness that overtakes her expression at the memory. She glances down before meeting my gaze once again with flushed cheeks. I furrow my eyebrows together in curiosity and she opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out. I continue to move her along to the music in my head and after a moment, her faint whisper cuts into the silence around us. "Since we're dancing again today, there _is_ something else we could do for the first time."

I freeze our movement at her words. _Well I'll be damned if I was expecting her to say that. _I bend down to match her eyelevel, but she seems adamant to avoid my gaze. "C-Clare?" I clear my throat when it comes out much deeper than I thought it would.

Her hands slip from my body and she takes a step backwards. Brushing away her bangs with the back of her hand, she turns around and says to her herself, "I cannot believe I just said that."

"You and me both," I tell her gently as I walk closer to her. Putting my hands on her shoulders, I deliver a kiss to her cheek from behind. She lets out a shaky breath at the action and I lower my arm, ushering her to sit on the couch. She follows robotically and I take a seat next to her. "What brought that on?" I ask her softly after a few moments.

She stares in front of her and shrugs her shoulders in silent response.

"This doesn't have anything to do with what my parents said earlier, does it?" I question her knowingly.

Finally, she turns her head towards me and gives me a weak smile. "I-I know you and your parents are open with each other," she begins. "I'm assuming J-Julia was _with_ you, with you."

I purse my lips together and nod my head once. "I didn't even know you existed yet," I reassure her.

She shakes her head at me. "You don't have to justify your actions to me, Eli. She meant – _means_ – a lot to you. It makes sense." Clare looks down at her lap and barely whispers the next words that I'm sure if I wasn't so attuned to her, I doubt I would have heard them. "Was she the only one?"

I close my eyes and inwardly groan at the shame that bottles up within me at her vulnerable tone. I've been doing everything in my power to avoid this conversation with Clare, but I owe her honesty and if she wants the answer, I'll give it to her. "No," I answer in a monotone voice.

She sucks in a breath at my response and slowly lets it out. This is what I wanted to avoid. I knew that when Clare and I got to this stage, she'd ask me these questions. And rightfully so. But damn, I'd do anything to take it back and not make Clare think she's just another girl I'd sleep with.

I wrap my arm around her and use my free hand to turn her face to me. I cradle her chin in my fingertips and force her to look at me as I offer an explanation. "After I lost Julia…" I trial off as I search for the best words to relay this to her. "I felt like a zombie, numb and empty. I was young and foolish in thinking that sex was the way to feel something again. But it seemed like the best idea at the time."

"How many?" Clare manages to get out.

I close my eyes, not feeling any bit deserving of looking at her. "How horrible is it if I said I'm not sure? And not because there were a lot," I assure her. "Only because that whole period of my life is kind of a haze in my memory. It didn't take long for me to realize that the hollow feeling in my gut wasn't going to be filled by a random girl one night." I hesitantly open my eyes and Clare's wide ones latch onto my gaze. "It took me a lot of years to find the one thing that could," I tell her genuinely as I tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear. "You," I whisper softly into the space between us.

Keeping my gaze on her to gauge her reaction, I have never felt so unhappy with myself. If I could take it back, I would. But if I've learned anything in the recent months, it's that I can't live in the past. It's a recipe for disaster if I do so.

Clare finally makes a movement and scoots closer to my side. Wordlessly, she rests her head on my shoulder and fidgets her hands in her lap. I cover them with my own and she stops her nervous movements at the contact. She grasps my hand tightly between bother of hers. "I'm not mad," she tells me. "I am a little surprised, but I have never held your past against you and I certainly won't start now."

I squeeze her hands in response, not trusting myself to formulate any coherent language at this point.

She tilts her head up before asking, "Do you love me, Eli?"

"Of course," I respond. "It's the one thing I'm certain of."

"That's all I need," Clare says softly as she repeats the words I used in response to her telling me for the first time that I have her love.

I swallow against the lump in my throat. "You're the one person who has never given up on me," I manage to get out. "No matter how many reasons I give you to leave, you stay. I can't – it doesn't make sense."

She smiles up at me. "You said you didn't want me to give up on you," she reminds me. "And I'd do just about anything for you, Eli. You know that." When her hand comes out to cup my cheek, I turn and kiss her palm.

"Come on," she says. "We have one day left and I don't intend on letting you be your brooding self for one second of it," Clare teases.

She manages to get a laugh out of me and I nod my head in response. Clare stands up from the couch and begins walking backwards towards the kitchen. "Let's make some dinner," she offers before turning into the kitchen.

Not wanting to be away from her for a moment, I quickly follow her and am appreciative that she is going through the day as normally as possible. She reaches for some ingredients in the fridge as if she's making dinner on just any other day. "So how is Alli?" I ask her as I take a seat atop the table.

"I think – scratch that – I _know_ she's handling it all much better than I am. I'm a mess about one-hundred percent of the time," she laughs at herself. "But she and Dave have the apartment to themselves because I was intending on spending every possible moment with you."

I feel a smile make its way onto my face. "Have I told you I love you today?" I ask her.

She giggles at my question. "Yes, but I don't mind hearing it again."

I hope off the table and make my way over to her. Clare turns her back to the countertop and looks at me with an awaiting expression. I grab her waist and lean towards her. "I love you," I tell her confidently before softly kissing her lips.

I make my way back over to my seat and watch as Clare does her usual magic in the kitchen from my perch on top of the wooden table. She acts as if she doesn't notice me staring, but with the small smile on her face and the pink her cheeks, I know she does.

I take in the image in front of me. My eyes gaze over her body, from the top of her head all the way down to her feet. She is absolutely breathtaking, but oxygen seems much less of a necessity when Clare's around anyways.

I've been trying to avoid the fact that I won't be looking at her this time tomorrow, but I can't ignore the truth staring me right in the face. I'm going to miss her in such a way that I'm sure every part of me will ache with need for her. Need for her touch, her warmth, her laughter. Everything that makes her who she is. Everything that makes her the first woman I've come to truly love.

Unlike my last deployment when I was restless with excitement and a hint of apprehension, this time around I'm restless with the fear of being without the one person who can anchor me.

I was drowning before I met Clare. My lungs were filled with water, my body was failing me. I couldn't catch a breath of air for the life of me. I was only sinking deeper and deeper. I was reaching the point where I wouldn't be able to fight my way back to the surface.

Then Clare arrived on the scene. No matter how difficult it was, she swam down and pulled me up. The first breath I took as soon as I was free from the power of the sinking waters around me was filled with nothing but Clare.

And I've been breathing her in ever since.

We keep up conversation as she continues to make a small portion of pasta for us considering the large lunch we ate at my parents' place. When the food is finished, she turns towards me and from the one look she gives me, I realize that eating is the absolute last thing on both our minds.

I watch her intently as she walks over to me and fits herself between my dangling legs. She brings one hand up to run through my hair and I close my eyes at her touch. Silently, her hands begin to cover every inch of my face as if she is trying everything in her power to engrave the contours of my structure into her memory. I focus on her warmth as it travels down my neck, over my shoulders, and leaves a burning trail when her hands run down the length of my arms to grab mine.

I open my eyes and don't protest when she tugs on the hem of my shirt. I help her pull it over my head and I reach for her waist as her hands continue their journey. She fingers the guitar pick necklace I always wear before leaving her mark on my chest and mid-section. She reaches for my dog tags and after intently gazing at them, she lifts them up to her lips and delivers a kiss to the material. As she continues her movements, my muscles involuntarily contract under her warmth and not being able to control myself any longer, I bring one hand to rest behind her neck before pulling her lips down to mine.

I move my lips slowly against hers and groan when she fingers the waistband of my pants. Her hands travel back up to my face as I continue my attention to her lips. Her tongue eagerly meets mine as soon as she parts her lips for me and I move off the table in an attempt to get closer to her.

I walk her backwards until she makes contact with the wall and release her lips before leaving a trail of kisses down to her neck. She tilts her head to the side, willingly granting me access to the soft skin residing there. I just about lose it when Clare lets out a breathy moan at the movement of my lips against her neck.

I pull away from her and rest my forehead against hers. She looks into my eyes trustingly before walking past me towards my bedroom. Connected to her by an invisible force, I can't stop my legs as they follow her. I walk in and Clare turns around to look at me.

"Will you help me with this?" She asks in a soft tone before turning back around.

I swallow nervously as I walk closer to her. She glances back at me when I reach her before turning her gaze forwards. I touch my fingertips against the top of her dress before brushing her hair to the side. Without giving myself a chance to think, I begin to slowly, agonizingly slowly, move the zipper down her dress. The fingertips of my free hand trail down and touch the newly revealed skin as the zipper exposes more of Clare to me. She shivers beneath my touch as the fabric become loose around her.

Once finished, I take a step back from her and hold my breath as she lowers the dress from her body. It falls to a pile beneath her feet and she steps over it softly, her footsteps making no noise on the hardwood floor. I watch her shoulders lift as she takes in a breath of courage before turning around towards me.

I've seen the most horrific images known to man while in battle. If I was to fixate on this image of Clare, those sights would surely be vaporized from my memory. Every thought in my mind has focused in on her. I swallow as the heat begins to build and I realize I'm getting awfully close to the point of no return.

She eyes me wearily, as if she's unsure of whether or not I like what she is offering to me. _Which is just about the craziest thing I've ever heard._ I take two small steps to get closer to her. I reach for the bare skin on her waist and rub my thumbs along the smooth surface I encounter. I bring up one hand and run the back of it down her arm, leaving an emergence of goosebumps wherever I touch. I trail a finger along her collarbone and let it graze the skin leading to her breasts.

Her breath hitches as I trace the outline of her innocent white bra over the curve of one breast and up the other. I look up and meet her gaze before delivering a quick kiss to her forehead. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," I whisper into the space between us.

It seems the validation was all she needed as Clare pushes her lips against mine. I try and control my emotions as our lips move together in a familiar way. She pulls away abruptly and raises herself on her toes to match my eye level. "Don't hold back," she says softly in a way that almost sounds like a whimper.

_Oh, fuck it._

I wrap my arms tightly around her before pushing her up against the wall. Clare spins us around just as I find her lips once again and my back slams against the refreshingly cold wall. I roll us once again and dominate the kiss as she is trapped between myself and the building structure.

Somewhere within the haze of my mind, I register Clare's tiny hands making progress with my belt buckle. Alarms go off in my thoughts, but her taste, her touch, her scent are all too invigorating for me to care. After a moment, she pulls the belt away from the loops and tosses it to the side. She reaches for the waistband of my pants and tugs on it, causing me to groan at the frictional contact.

I release her lips and take the tiniest of steps back. I breathe deeply to try and maintain some sort of control on myself before grabbing her hand and leading her over to the bed. She lies down and looks at me expectantly. I ease myself onto the mattress above her and kiss her gratefully when she parts her legs for me.

I trail my lips down her jaw, traveling past her neck, and make my way to the curves of flesh that have escaped the cotton material. Clare gasps as my lips attend to the foreign territory and she lets out a loud moan when she moves her legs around my waist, causing our hips to come into contact. She arches her back into me when my left hand comes up to cover the mound on her heaving chest. I bring my lips back up to hers and kiss her softly, slowly, wanting to savor every moment with her.

She arches her back into me and I feel her hands travel from their position on my upper arms to the strap held together on her back. My eyes shoot open and I pull away from her slightly. "Stop," I manage to breathe out.

"What? Did you want to do that part?" She teases me through her swollen lips.

I laugh under my breath before reaching behind her and bringing her hands back to me.

Her eyes widen in confusion. "D-Did I do something wrong?" Clare asks me in a vulnerable, soft whisper.

"No," I assure her, completely shocked that she would say such a thing. "God no, Clare. Y-You're perfect."

I watch her as she swallows nervously and looks up at me with a perplexed expression. I drop my forehead to hers before reluctantly pulling away. I reach for her and sit back as she straddles my waist. I bring a hand up to caress her chin and Clare's gaze snaps to me. "Y-You don't want to…" She trails off as her jaw drops in seeming realization.

"Clare – " I start, but she cuts me off.

"I can't believe this," she states before lifting her hands to cover her exposed body in embarrassment. _Well that won't do._

I grab her hands and force them down from her form. "Don't hide from me," I tell her gently.

She turns her head to the side, avoiding my gaze.

"I want to," I tell her in a husky tone and lift my hips up against her to prove it. She gasps as she feels me against her. "But I won't let you do this just because I'm leaving tomorrow."

She looks at me with a nervous expression.

I clear my throat before continuing as I try to simmer down my body's response to Clare's warmth. "Clare, if I wasn't leaving tomorrow, would we still be doing this tonight?"

"Yes!" She exclaims quickly. I eye her skeptically. She gazes down and whispers, "Maybe. I don't know…" Her voice trails off.

I sigh before sitting up straighter. I pull her flush against me, not helping myself at all by doing so. "You don't have to do this."

"But I do!" She fires back. "I do, because this isn't some alternate universe where you are staying here with me. You're leaving tomorrow morning." She stops to catch her breath as she caresses my cheek with her hand. "You're the only person I want to be joined with in this way. I trust you, and only you, with my body."

I breathe in deeply as her words begin to unwind me. "Clare, there's something I need you to do for me."

"Anything," she responds in a quiet tone.

I hold her midsection tightly in my hands before speaking up, "If I don't – If something happens –"

"Eli – "

"If something happens and I can't come back to you," I cut her off quickly. "Y-You need to keep going."

"What are you talking about?" She asks me in a harsh tone. "You're the only one I am going to be with."

The thought of Clare with anyone else infuriates me more than I can say, but I also don't want to see her end up like I did after Julia's passing. I don't want her to cut herself off from everyone. I don't want her going through the motions and living without any drive or passion. I want her as she is now. Alive and vibrant. Full of warmth and happiness. This is the Clare I want to see, regardless of what happens to me in battle.

"Don't say things like that!" She exclaims into the quiet around us. "You said you would come back to me."

"Hey," I say softly to calm her down. I take her face in my hands and deliver a quick peck to her lips. "I will do everything in my power to make it right back here with you. I fully intend to pick up where we leave off. Just like this."

She shakes her head at me. "Either we make love tonight because we'll never get the chance to again or we save it for when you come back because you _will_. It's one or the other, Eli." Her lower lip trembles as she continues talking. "What else can I do?" She asks aloud. "I need to have this connection with you so you come back to me. I want you to have this part of me." She reaches for her left hand and slips the ring off her finger. She grabs my hand and drops it into my palm before closing my hand. "This is yours," she tells me. "You can decide if you want it now or when you get back, but just be honest with me, Eli."

I close my hand tightly around the cool metal that signifies that Clare has saved herself for me. I look up at her and feel my insides flip at the sight of her frazzled hair, moistened eyes, and flushed cheeks. She's gorgeous in every setting. "I can't promise you that I'll come back," I confess to her in a whisper. "As much as I want to, I _can't_. But I can promise you that it will take a hell of a lot to stop me from making it back to you, okay?" She nods her head silently. "Us doing this tonight won't make me coming back anymore possible than it is now. Frankly, it'll make it so much harder to be away from you because I'm sure it will be amazing," I chuckle softly as she fidgets in embarrassment. "If this is something that you want, if this will make you happy, I have no objections. But I respect you too much to do this if you're only doing it because I'm leaving."

"I'm not _only_ doing it because you're leaving," she mumbles. "I'm doing it because I love you enough to trust you with my virginity, Eli. Yes, the timing is affected by your deployment, but the motivation is not."

I purse my lips together before shifting our positions and lying down next to her. She rests her head on my chest as I reach behind my neck and undo the chain around me. I slide her ring onto the chain that holds my dog tags before putting it back in place.

"We're not going to do this tonight, are we?" Clare asks into the silence around us.

I reach down and pull her chin up to look at me. "I want to love you in this way, but not tonight." I tell her honestly. "We will do this when you're really ready."

She nods her head at my words. "Maybe someday," she says softly as she fingers the ring that now finds its place against my chest.

I roll us over so I'm on top of her. I lean down and capture her lips with my own. Kissing her slowly, I run a hand over her breast causing a moan to erupt from within her. I release her lips and she glares at me.

"You can't do that," Clare breathes out.

"Does it make you feel hot and bothered?" I smirk at her.

She slaps my arm. "You're impossible. And yes, as a matter of fact, it does."

I chuckle before kissing her once more. "I love you," I tell her again. "I don't think you understand how much I'm going to miss you. You're the one good thing fate brought me in my shit of an excuse for a life." She runs her fingers along my jawline. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," I finish.

"Right back at you, soldier."

**There you have it folks! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I can't wait to hear your thoughts! Leave me a message in that box below and I will be sure to smile when I read it! :) Thanks again for being the best readers a girl could ask for! I love you all dearly and can't wait to hear from you. Bye now! :)**


	31. Chapter 31

**Hello my dearest readers! :) Did you all catch The Time of My Life? Oh my goodness, I felt like the world's most fangirly fangirl (if that description makes any sense). Wasn't it just lovely? I am drowning in a puddle of Eclare feels. Anyways, here is the next installment of our story. Just to let you know, this is not the end. I do believe we have two more chapters ahead of us. But I would like to take a moment to thank you all for following this story. It's been a long journey and I am so appreciative that you have kept at it with me through it all. Words cannot express how thankful I am for that. You are all truly the BEST readers I could ever ask for. To thank you for that, I have a chapter that will (hopefully) induce a good amount of Eclare "feels". Enjoy! :) **

_I feel a shiver run down my spine at the chill that hits me with a gust of wind._

_I blink a few times to take in my surroundings._

_A slow snowfall has begun to cover the ground in a sheet of white. In the distance, a group of black clad individuals harshly counter the softness of the white. I begin walking towards them and notice for the first time where I am._

_A cemetery. _

_I wrap my arms around myself to fight back against the cold as I slowly reach the group. I hear soft sobs of women accompanied by the stoic, statuesque expressions of the men in attendance. _

_A funeral. _

_The closer I get, the more I'm able to distinguish some of those in attendance. I notice Jake and Katie off to the side, huddled close together. I spot Alli with one hand covering her mouth in an attempt to suppress her sobs. _

_I stop my steps when I realize where I am._

_Not just any funeral. Dave's funeral. _

_I gasp in a cold breath as I realize I'm late to my best friend's burial._

_And I stagger backwards when it dawns on me that it's my fault._

_I didn't protect the brother standing next to me. _

_He was killed in combat. _

_There must be something wrong with me._

_First Julia._

_Now Dave._

_I must attract death._

_Best for everyone in attendance that I leave. Staying will only put them in more danger than necessary. _

_I put up my hood and turn around from the scene. As I begin walking away, I hear sobs off to my right. Curiosity getting the best of me, I take a few steps towards the source. _

_What I see freezes me in place._

_There sits Dave, perched at the bottom of a tree. His head is in his hands and he looks like hell._

_If Dave is here, then whose funeral is it?_

_I swallow against the lump in my throat before turning back to where the group originally was. Except the scene has shifted and instead of a group of mourners, there is one, single person remaining. _

_I walk back and make my way over to the person. A lace veil falls across her face and her muffled sobs sound through the otherwise peacefully quiet area. I continue walking until I'm standing behind the tombstone and staring straight at her figure._

_Her gaze remains lowered as she fingers the top of the tombstone. I wait for her to make the first movement and it's not long before she does. She slowly lifts her head and meets my eyes, but does not seem to notice I am here. I gasp when I feel the weight of a ton of bricks slamming straight into my chest. There stands Clare, looking like she hasn't slept in days; looking as if the bright warmth that always lights up her eyes has since gone out. _

_And that's when I realize whose funeral this is._

_It's mine._

_Adrenaline pumps through my veins as the terror overtakes me and Clare looks back down at my grave. I glance around frantically, wondering what in the hell is going on when Clare lifts her head once again. _

_This time, she doesn't look the same._

_She still appears exhausted and grieving._

_But there is one very significant difference in her appearance._

_An aged Clare stands in front of me with her grey hair and wrinkled skin._

_I feel my insides drop at the sight._

_All throughout her life, she has mourned._

_And she will continue to mourn._

I jerk awake and my eyes fly open.

The first thing I notice is the space on the bed next to me is empty. This must have been the source of the cold in my nightmare: the lack of Clare's warmth.

I roll over onto my back and wipe away the beads of sweat that have formed atop my forehead. I attempt to control my ragged breathing as I blink to adjust to the darkness of the room. Finally, I notice her.

She's not old. She's still the young, alive Clare I know. I close my eyes for a moment and swallow down the anxiety that was threatening to build up within me. Clare is sitting at my desk, staring out the sole window I have in my room.

"Clare?" I ask aloud.

"You were having a nightmare," she responds gently before turning towards me.

I sit up and rest against the headboard behind me. She stands up and walks towards me. Taking a seat on the edge of the bed next to me, Clare rests one hand on my shoulder. She rubs her thumb back and forth in a calming motion.

"Talk to me," she whispers into the room. "Tell me what it was about."

I shake my head frantically. "No."

Her expression turns to one of hurt, but she quickly covers it up. "Okay," she responds as she lowers her hand from my shoulder and retracts it to her lap.

After a few moments of tension building in the space around us, I speak up. "You know I love it when you wear my clothes," I start as I gesture to the shirt she's currently wearing. "But I much prefer you without them," I tease her as I lean forward and reach for the hem of the dark fabric.

Clare swats my hands away. "Don't even think about it." She stands up and takes a few steps away from the bed.

I let out an exasperated sigh as I run a hand through my hair. "I'm fine," I assure her. "It's just deployment jitters."

"Deployment jitters?" She scoffs in disbelief.

"Yes, deployment jitters."

She bites her lip and glances to the side. "Is it coming back?" She asks in the quietest of whispers, almost as if she's afraid of the answer.

I let out a breath through my nose and pat the empty space next to me. She glances at it wearily, but eventually returns to her spot. She draws up her knees and wraps her arms around them hesitantly. I scoot closer to her and rest one hand on her back.

"No, Clare," I answer. "It's not coming back."

She turns her head to look at me behind her. "Are you sure?"

I nod my head silently. _That nightmare was vastly different from the ones I used to have with my PTSD._

"I was so scared…" She trails off before glancing in front of her again. "I feel so powerless because there is nothing I can do to help."

"If you take that shirt off, I think you'd be helping me a good amount," I tease her with a smirk.

She scoffs at my words, but I notice a small smile make its way onto her face when she turns towards me again. _Much better. _She nuzzles her face against my neck as I draw her closer to me. One of her hands finds mine and laces our fingers together.

"I'm sorry I woke you," I say.

She shakes her head against me. "You didn't. I was having trouble sleeping anyways."

"That's understandable," I offer as I deliver a lingering kiss to the curls in her hair. "But we still have a few hours left, might as well try and get some sleep."

She chuckles against me sleepily before nodding her head. I fall back against the mattress and can't help but laugh when Clare pauses for a moment in contemplation before lifting my shirt off her head.

_Damn, I'm never going to get used to the sight of her like this._

She situates herself beneath the covers and I turn onto my side to look at her. She giggles softly as she turns her head to me. "Did that help?"

I smirk at her as I rest one hand on her bare stomach. I lean forward and capture her lips in a soft kiss. "You bet it did," I tease against her lips.

A few hours later, I sneak up behind Clare and wrap my arms around her waist. She jumps in shock before laughing aloud into the bathroom. I rest my chin on her shoulder and watch our reflection as she puts the finishing touches on her makeup. Still wearing my shirt, if I may add.

"There," she says after a few moments. "How do I look?"

I smirk at her and deliver a kiss to her neck. "Beautiful as always," I whisper against her ear. She shivers slightly at the brushing of my lips against the sensitive skin.

She turns around in my arms and leans back against the counter. "You look very attractive in your uniform," Clare says as she runs her hands up my chest. "You should wear it more often," she whispers as she brushes her lips against mine.

A low growl manages to escape my throat when she slips out of my grasp and walks back into the bedroom.

_Well that won't do._

Just as Clare takes off my shirt and reaches to grab her dress, I pull her to me and slam my lips onto hers. She gasps into my mouth and staggers backwards at the contact before falling onto the bed behind her, taking me with her. As I continue to move my lips against hers, I reach for her leg and hitch it over my waist.

Clare moves her lips away from mine. "Eli," she breathes out. I hum in response as I begin delivering a trail of kisses to her neck. "We're going to be late to your flight."

"Remind me again why that would be a bad thing," I mumble against her skin before pulling away and resting my forehead against hers.

"I can't come up with anything right now, but I'm sure if you let me get dressed and stop kissing me like that, I'll be able to think of something," she giggles out.

I kiss her quickly. "Fair enough," I say as I stand up off the bed. I reach for her hand and help her up.

She lingers her hand in mine before turning around to grab her dress off the bed. I watch her intently as she slips into it, covering the bare skin that I was just being introduced to. She glances over her shoulder at me. "Will you help me with this?"

I nod my head silently as I walk over and pull up the same zipper that I opened the night before. I deliver a quick kiss to the back of her neck when I'm finished. She turns towards me and rests her hands on my chest.

"Do you regret last night?" She asks me in a low whisper.

I furrow my brows together in confusion. "Usually someone asks that question after something actually happened," I respond playfully.

"I-I know," Clare says. "But do you regret that nothing happened?"

"Do you?" I ask her nervously.

She shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know."

I purse my lips together as I try and find the right words. "I don't," I state firmly. "I don't because I know how important this is to you. We will have sex someday," I laugh under my breath. "But only when I know I can follow through with the commitment that comes with it." I rub my thumb across the fabric dressing her waist in a comforting motion. "It takes a hell of a lot of willpower for me not to, but you're more important to me than anything, especially myself. We will do this the right way when I get back, I promise."

My words hang in the air for a few silent moments before Clare speaks up. "Eli, would you mind…" She trails off as she stares at my uniform. "Can you, um…"

"Spit it out, Edwards." I laugh out.

She looks up at me nervously, a flush forming on her cheeks. "Will you hold me for a little while?"

I swallow vulnerably at the simplicity of her request. "Come here," I whisper softly as I pull her tighter to me. Her hands travel up my chest and she wraps her arms tightly around my shoulders. I nuzzle my face into her hair and breathe in her now familiar scent. She rubs her cheek against mine in response. I close my eyes and focus solely on her touch as she turns her head and kisses my cheek. I relish in the movement of her lips against my skin as they travel down my face, brushing over my lips, and leaving a trail of kiss down to my neck. She nestles her face into the place where my shoulder and neck meet before delivering a kiss to the skin there.

She pulls away from me slightly and looks up to meet my gaze. I notice the moisture beginning to build in her eyes and I cup her face in my hands at the sight. I rub my thumbs soothingly across her cheekbones, brushing away the tears as soon as they slip from the captivity of her eyes.

"I don't even know what to say," she starts in a quivering voice. "I swear I've played this conversation over and over in my mind, but I just can't seem to find the words now when I need them the most."

I bring my forehead down to rest against hers.

"I already miss you," she continues. "I don't know how to just let you walk onto that plane today." She bites her bottom lip. "I'd do anything for you, you know that. But this seems out of my power. I-I thought I could handle this, but…" She trails off as she hides her face in her palms.

I clear my throat before saying, "Clare, you are the strongest person I've ever known. If anyone can handle this, it's you." I gently pry her hands away from her reddening face. I hold her hands tightly against my chest and swallow harshly against the lump that has made a home in my throat. "Waiting for me is going to require a lot of patience, but the good thing is you've had plenty of practice with that," I laugh out and feel much better when I manage to get a chuckle out of her. "We'll write to each other, and I'll call you when I can. I'm sure I can manage a Skype session at some point. I _will_ manage a Skype session at one point," I correct when I realize that there is no way in hell I am going to go four months without seeing Clare. "And I'll be back. I'll be back so soon that you'll have wished you had more of a break from me," I joke.

She frantically shakes her head. "You can't come back quickly enough," she counters.

I grab her chin in my hand and lift up her gaze to meet mine. "I love you, Clare Edwards. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you and I never will. It's you. It'll always be you," I tell her sincerely before kissing her in a soft caress.

She pulls away. "And I love you, Eli Goldsworthy. I love you so much that it literally hurts, but in a good way."

I furrow my brows at her. "You know for a journalist, you really have a way with words," I tease sarcastically.

She rolls her eyes at me before slapping my arm playfully. "I'm trying to be serious right now, Eli."

"Right, right," I nod my head. "Sorry."

She gives me a small smile before wrapping her arms around my shoulders once more. "I love you," She repeats as she rests her chin on my shoulder. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I lo – "

"Clare," I cut her off gently. "What are you…?"

"I'm trying to make up for all the days you won't hear me say it."

_She's so damn adorable._

"Don't worry about that," I tell her softly. "I'm going to miss hearing your voice, but believe me when I say that I will never forget that you love me. It's the best thing that has happened to me. No way in hell am I going to let that go."

Clare opens her mouth to respond, but her phone goes off in her purse nearby. She steps out of my embrace and walks over to answer it.

I take this opportunity to close my eyes and take in a deep breath.

"_It hasn't even been a minute and you two are as gross as ever."_ The first words I ever heard come out of Clare's mouth take me back to the first time I set eyes on her. At the time, she directed those words to a newly reunited Alli and Dave. I can't help but think that maybe we give them a run for their money. I'm pretty much the world's largest sap around Clare, but surprisingly, I don't give a damn. I was captivated by her from the first time I saw her and nothing has changed since.

"Alli says they're here," Clare's sad voice brings me out of my thoughts.

I nod my head silently and grab my bag from its place at the end of my bed. I reach out for Clare's hand which she willingly slips into mine. Quietly, we walk out the door of the apartment and I make sure not to look back. She squeezes my hand in support and I rub my thumb along her skin in response.

"_Need some help?" "No. I've got it." _The first time I ever pushed Clare away, and it certainly wasn't the last. She's fought like hell for me and I am determined to return the favor.

I walk a few steps in front of her and open the door to the backseat of Alli's car.

"Good morning, lovebirds!" Alli's bubbly voice greets us.

"Hi, Alli," Clare responds as she rolls her eyes jokingly before entering. I walk to the back of the car and stuff my bag in the trunk before joining Clare.

I notice Dave is deathly silent and realize I'm the same. I catch Alli and Clare eyeing each other wearily through the rear view mirror before Alli sets the car in drive and begins the journey to the airport. I fix my eyes on the back of Dave's head in front of me, wishing there was something I could do to make it easier for him. But I know how he feels and nothing in the world can make this easier.

I reach up my hand and rest it on his shoulder for a moment. He turns his head back in response before gazing straight ahead again. _Silent communication. _It's something we've learned through years of battling next to each other. I bring my hand back and rest it on the seat next to me.

I notice Clare's soft gaze on me, but can't seem to meet it.

"_You feel like there is a plan for all of us. That we're all worthy of redemption and shit. Not me." _I remember relaying these words to Clare soon after we first met. It's insane how undoubtedly I believed them. Clare never did, however. Let me say that I've never been more glad to be proven wrong.

I turn my head and catch her eyes. She looks at me worriedly before glancing down at her hand resting in the space between us. Her gaze travels back up to me, wordlessly asking me. I offer her a small smirk before grabbing her hand and slowly lacing our fingers together. I watch in silence at the sensation of her fingers locking with mine while another memory takes over.

_"You need sleep," she tells me in a matter of fact tone. "I promise I'll be right here. If anything happens, I'll be right next to you when you wake up. You don't have to go through it alone." I feel my fingertips brush hers slightly and the familiar jolt of warmth and care that I've only ever experienced through Clare's touch invades my body. I inch my hand closer to hers before completely covering her hand under mine. I feel Clare turn her hand, bringing our palms in contact. For the first time, I lift my fingers and intertwine them with hers. _That was the first time I ever felt Clare's hand so tightly wound in mine. It began a need to always be connected with her. And I haven't forgotten that day. It was the first time in a long time that I had a sleep free from nightmares. Undoubtedly, it was the feeling of her hand in mine that made it possible. She's provided me shelter ever since.

I feel relief surge through me when I see Dave reach over to grab Alli's hand. He was being uncharacteristically statuesque and I'm so fucking glad he has the same kind of support I do. I feel a small smile make its way onto my face when Alli glances over at him for a quick moment and smiles at him. He draws their joined hands onto his lap while Alli turns back to the road.

"_So I'm sorry. I'm sorry for trying to help you. I just don't want you to ever feel the way I do. Like you're not good enough. Like there's something wrong with you."_ I curse myself at the memory of how I handled the situation after Clare came over distraught over her dad. All she wanted was for me to open up to her, just a little bit. I had to be a stubborn ass and refuse her, even when she was an open book to me. I'm so damn lucky that she made the choice to be patient with me. Whatever opinion I had of myself before I met Clare, however I defined myself, was thrown out the window when I finally let Clare in. I owe her so fucking much for giving me a new perspective.

Clare's small squeeze of my hand takes me out of my thoughts and I look over at her. She mouths silently that she loves me and I lift up her hand to kiss the back of it in response.

"We're here," Alli's voice breaks the silence around us. _That can't be right._

"Already?" Clare asks in disbelief, echoing my thoughts.

Alli shrugs her shoulders in response.

_"She makes me feel like everything will be okay. Like I can actually make it through all this shit." _I remember telling this to Dave soon after coming to terms with my feelings for Clare. If those words are true, and I know they are, then I'm going to need her like hell right now. With the large structure of the airport looming over us, I can't help but feel apprehensive about everything.

We get out of the car after Alli finds a parking spot and Dave and I walk to the back to grab our bags.

Hidden thanks to the trunk door, Dave finally speaks up. "This fucking sucks."

I nod my head at his words. "I know, but like you said, we signed up for this."

"I don't regret that, but it sure as hell would be easier if we didn't have to put them through it."

I reach forward and grab the handles of my bag. "They signed up for it too," I tell him gently. "They knew who we were going into this. They have a choice and they made it."

He shakes his head at me. "We're not like you and Clare. She met you when you were already a part of the military. I joined after Alli and I got together."

"And she still chose to be with you," I counter. "Now stop brooding. That's my job," I tease him. "Yours is to calm me down. Don't reverse the roles now."

He laughs at my words and nods to assure me he's alright. Taking my bag with me, I turn back around towards where Clare and Alli are waiting. She looks up at me as Alli talks to her animatedly and when she returns her attention to her friend, there is a smile on her face. I'm pretty sure it's not from what Alli is saying.

"_I __refuse__ to be weak anymore. I choose to fight and stand up for myself. I won't let you lie to me like this. I c-can't be the only one feeling this."_ Damn. As the memories continue to flood my mind, I realize exactly to what extent I had pushed her away. I'm just glad I finally confessed my feelings to her. If I hadn't, there is no way in hell I'd be where I am right now. I'd still be cooped up in my room, wondering how in the hell I'm going to climb out of the hole I've found myself in.

I grab Clare's hand when I make my way over to her and we begin walking towards the airport. When we find ourselves a little way in front of Alli and Dave, she speaks up. "How are you feeling?"

"Surprisingly alright," I tell her honestly. "A lot better than I thought I would be."

She nods her head. "Good, I'm glad."

_"Here's what I want, Clare. I want you not to give up on me. You're the only thing that makes me feel like I could ever get better."_ And she has remained true to her words. Not once has Clare Edwards given up on me.

"How about you?" I ask her.

She takes in a breath as she glances around us. "Same," she turns to me with a smile. "For some reason, I feel – I feel like it'll be okay. Now I could just be in denial – "

"No," I cut her off. "It will be," I assure her. She leans into me and wraps her free hand around my upper arm.

_"I'm safe, Eli. I'll always be safe with you." _Just another testament to Clare's unyielding faith in me.

"I trust you," she responds as she looks up at me. I know she doesn't just mean about my assurance that things will work out. She means it like she trusts me with her life, because she's willingly given it to me.

We walk in when the automatic doors in front of us spread open. I release her gaze and glance up to figure out where Dave and I need to go. What I see surprises the hell out of me.

And once again, Clare Edwards has left me speechless.

_"You amaze me, you know that? I can't wrap my mind around the fact that you're putting your happiness in my hands. But damn it, Clare, I will fight like hell. I promise you that. I'm not accustomed to the way I feel about you, but I can't imagine anyone else feeling as strongly for anyone like I do for you. And no one will battle harder than me to come home."_ I remember confessing this to her soon after I told her about my deployment. And today, she has amazed me as she always tends to do.

I turn to her with wide eyes before glancing at the small group of people in front of us. "Clare…"

"I wanted you to know that there is a whole new family of people waiting for you when you get back," she tells me with a large smile on her face at her surprise for me.

I look back over to Clare's mom and stepfather along with Jake and Katie waiting for us at the same place Dave's family is and I have to harshly swallow against the lump in my throat. "I can't believe you did this."

"I can't take all the credit," she tells me. "They wanted to come."

_"I love you. I don't think you understand how much I'm going to miss you. You're the one good thing fate brought me in my shit of an excuse for a life. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," I finish. "Right back at you, soldier."_

I have come to the conclusion that I'm the luckiest man alive.

"Yo, we're headed to Terminal 10," Dave tells me when he and Alli catch up to us.

I look over at him and nod my head. "How much time?"

"Ten minutes," Alli responds for me. "You guys need time to get through security and board the plane."

"Alright," I respond. "Time to say goodbye?" I ask Dave.

He lets out a shaky breath and nods silently.

I squeeze Clare's hand and we make our way over to the group of loved ones here in support of Dave and I.

"Good morning," Mrs. Martin states when we get closer to them.

"Hi guys," Clare responds for us.

"I had no clue you were all going to be here," I tell them.

"It's our pleasure," Mr. Martin says.

I can't really think of anything to say, but I speak up anyways. "Thank you," I tell them sincerely. "It means more than you probably know."

I can practically feel Clare radiating joy next to me at my words. I'm sure she was a bit anxious that this would have been too much. Granted it would have been overwhelming for me just a few months ago, but now, it seems fitting.

Mrs. Martin walks up to me and wraps her arms around me in a hug. "Take care, Eli," she whispers into my ear when I return her embrace. "Be smart out there. Stay safe. And try your damn hardest to return to my daughter. _Please_."

I close my eyes and nod my head. "I promise," I respond gently.

I shake hands with Mr. Martin and exchange a few words with him before turning to Jake and Katie.

"Still want to kill me?" I ask Jake cautiously in a playful tone.

He chuckles as he shakes his head. "Never did. I just have to play the whole overprotective brother role every once in a while. Keeping up appearances and all," he jokes back.

I offer him a smile in response before turning to Katie. "But you still want to kill me, don't you?"

She laughs warmly. "I did think about it at one point, but no." She walks up to me and gives me a quick hug. "Clare loves you," she tells me in a quiet tone for only me to hear. "Hold onto that when you're over there."

I purse my lips and nod in response. "Thank you," I say.

She lingers her hands on my arms before pulling away and leaning into Jake's side.

I turn towards where Clare was, but realize she's walked over to Dave and is having a conversation with him at the moment. I notice Alli make her way over to me. We take a few steps to the side, away from the group.

"I don't really know where to begin," she says softly as she reaches over and rests her hand on my arm. "But you should know that I could not be happier that Dave has such a good friend with him over there." Her bottom lip begins to quiver and I reach forward to pull her into a hug. "Please look out for him," she sobs into my shoulder and I hold her a little tighter for comfort. "We both know he can do some dumb things," she chuckles against me. "It's your job to cover his ass for him when he does."

"I'll do whatever I can," I tell her. Pulling away slightly, I say, "You should know that I'd be more than willing to give up my life for him. And if I have to, I will."

She nods her head as she brings up the back of her hand to rest against her mouth. "He's in good hands," she tells me and manages to give me a small smile. "But hopefully it does not come to that." She backs away from my embrace when Clare comes to stand next to us. "Thank you. Safe travels, Eli."

And with that, Alli turns around and rushes over to Dave's open, waiting arms.

I bring my attention back to Clare's form and frown when I see the tear streaks on her face.

"Come here," I say softly and wrap my arms around her tightly when she does. "We'll get through, together," I assure her.

She nods her had against me before pulling away. She smiles through her silently streaming tears. "I have something for you," she states before reaching into her bag and pulling out an envelope. "I wrote it last night while you were asleep. Don't read it until you get on the plane, okay?"

_Damn, I love her_. "Okay," I agree as I grab it from her.

"Eli…" She trails off before looking up at me. "I really do love you," she whispers in a shaky voice.

"I know." I gasp in a breath and let it out slowly.

Clare wraps her arms around my neck once more. "Please come back to me," she sobs.

_Fuck, this sucks._ Not knowing what to say, I just hold her to me tighter.

"I can't lose you," she continues. "I don't want to be without you."

I take in a trembling breath before pulling away from her. I reach up behind my neck and unlatch the guitar pick necklace I've managed to keep with me all these years. She watches me with wide eyes as I grab her hand and gently give it to her. "This way you'll never be without me," I say.

"Eli, I can't take this."

"Sure you can. It's really simple. You just wrap your hand around it and put it in your purse. Not too complicated," I tease.

Luckily, she lets out a few chuckles. "Thank you," she says as she drops it into her purse. "I'll keep it safe for you."

"Eli, it's time." I look up when Dave's voice reaches me.

I nod my head. "Give me a minute." _Or a million minutes._ I turn back to Clare and grab her hands tightly in mine. I rest our joined hands against my chest and push my forehead against hers.

"I don't give a shit if this is the cheesiest thing in the world," I start. "Clare Edwards, you are the single most important presence in my life. You're all that matters to me. I can lose anything else in my life, but I _cannot_ lose you." I pause for a moment to retain my composure. "Thank you for everything. For putting up with me and fighting for us…For waiting for me to come back. I know you're taking a risk and I know it's scary, but I am with you every step of the way." She lets out a sob at my words and as hard as it is, I continue. "I love you. Damn it, I love you," I lean forward and push my lips against hers.

In the back of my mind somewhere, I note that her family is right there watching, but I don't really care at the moment. She moves her lips quickly, desperately against mine. I release her hands and hold her waist tightly as she wraps her arms around my neck. Picking her slightly off the ground, I angle my head to deepen the kiss. _I'm going to miss this. _I lower her back to the ground and pull away. She gasps in a breath and I deliver another quick peck to her lips. The salty taste of her tears lingers, but there is a taste that is still undeniably Clare.

"I love you," I repeat, needing her to know it's true and wanting to say it as many times as I possibly can.

"Forever and always," she breathes out.

I continue to hold her and after a few moments, she speaks up. "Don't you have a plane to catch?"

"Yes, but then I'd have to let go of you," I tease in an effort to break free of the surmounting tension between us.

She hugs me to her one last time. "Stay safe," she whispers into my ear. "I love you so much." And with that, she pulls away from me, kisses me one more time, and turns around to walk towards Alli.

I let out a long breath before grabbing my bag off the ground and walking towards Dave.

"Makes a bullet wound feel like a poke, doesn't it?" Dave asks me as we walk towards the terminal and to the plane that will fly us out to the base our regiment is meeting at.

"You can say that again," I mumble.

"Makes a bullet wound feel like a poke, doesn't it?" He repeats with a chuckle.

I laugh along with him, grateful to have him by my side.

A little while later, I stare out the window of the plane as we fly through the air. All I can picture is Clare's tearful expression before she walked away from me. That was one of the hardest, if not _the_ hardest, thing I've ever had to do. I look down at the envelope Clare had given me and taking in a deep breath, I open it slowly.

The first thing my eyes catch is a piece of paper. I take it out and unfold it. Clare's familiar handwriting meets my gaze and I begin to read.

_Dear Eli,_

_If you're reading this, then you're on a plane at the moment. If not, then you cheated and I am mad at you. Not for long, of course. It's impossible for me to remain furious with you, even if I tried. Which I have never and will never do._

_You're asleep right now. It's nice to see you in a peaceful slumber after so many sleepless nights. I couldn't sleep, too worried about your impending departure, so I decided to write out my thoughts to you. You once told me to write a letter to my dad about how I was feeling, just to get my emotions out. I never gave my dad that letter, but I'm giving you this one._

_I love you. Please know that I don't say those words lightly. Similar to what I wrote in my article, I do believe love is the strongest force known to man. So when I say I love you, it means that there is no stronger feeling or emotion I can have for you. Love is limitless and never-ending. And no matter what happens, you will always have my love. It's the best gift I can give you and I only hope it is enough for you in the way that your love is more than enough for me. _

_Although our time together has been minimal, I feel blessed to have had it. As much as it would hurt to only have these few months with you, I'd rather have them than nothing at all. I will never ever regret having met you and falling in love with you. Simply because it was the best thing that has ever, and I'm sure will ever, happen to me. _

_You're the best man I have ever known, Eli Goldsworthy. You have strength and character, passion and determination. I know I had to work hard for your love, but it made it all the more worth it. I'm sure that no one else could love me as much as you do because you are the one person in the world who knows the true, real me and still accepts me as I am. Thank you for that._

_As you embark on this next adventure, know that I am thinking about you every moment that you are gone. I will be praying for your safe return (even though I know you don't believe in that stuff), but I will exhaust all my options for you. As I've said before, I'd do anything for you._

_I love you so much, Eli. I can't wait to see you when you come back home. _

_Forever Yours,_

_Clare_

_P.S. I asked Alli to take a picture of me and have attached it with this letter. You once told me the images of war tend to erase the images of home. Hopefully this helps you to retain the image of what is awaiting you when you get back. _

I let out a shaky breath and blink back the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. I reach into the envelope and grab the photo she was talking about. I immediately smile and feel a warmth settle over me as I stare at Clare's picture. She's wearing her signature floral dress, sitting on a bench with her hands on her lap and her legs crossed. She's smiling in the way that she categorized as her "really, really happy" grin and her smile reaches her bright blue eyes. I make a mental note to thank her in a letter for choosing that expression. Because as ridiculous as it may be, Clare looks gorgeous simply because she looks happy. And if I had to retain a single image from home, it would be a really, really happy Clare.

"You've got one now too," Dave says from next to me.

I smile softly as I remember of all the times that I teased him for carrying Alli's picture everywhere.

"Do you remember the last time we were deployed and you promised me you would make sure Alli was taken care of?" Dave asks me quietly.

I turn to him and nod my head in response. "That promise still stands."

"If anything were to happen, I promise you I will take care of Clare. Alli and I will be with her no matter what. Whatever she needs, we'll get it for her. I promise," he repeats in assurance.

"Thank you," I manage to get out in a low voice as I finger Clare's picture.

"I'll watch your back, bro," Dave says as he reaches his hand out for our ritual handshake.

I join him in tradition. "Like it's my own."

**Oh boy, that was hard to write. Hopefully you guys liked this chapter! Like I said, we have a few more ahead of us! :) Please feel free to leave me your thoughts on the chapter! Thanks so much and talk to you all soon! :) Bye my loves! **


	32. Chapter 32

**Hi there my dear readers! I hope you all enjoyed the Season 13 premiere! My goodness, Clare has a tough struggle ahead of her. :( That hospital scene where Eli showed up though...too beautiful. Anyways, my SINCEREST gratitude for all of the absolutely heartwarming and wonderful words you guys left me for that last chapter. It was a difficult one to write simply because there was a good amount of buildup for it and I wanted to give our dear Eli a good send-off! So thank you all so much for always encouraging me and giving me the courage to keep writing. You guys are amazing! I am sorry for the delayed update. I've had surgery since the last chapter so I was a bit out of it until recently. I'm back in the game though and with a new chapter for you all! The structure is a bit different, but I'm sure you'll quickly get the hang of it. Enjoy! :)**

_Clare,_

_I've literally been staring at this blank page for the past ten minutes. There are so many things I want to say, but I just can't seem to write them out. Words are your thing, not mine. But I'll do the best I can so bear with me._

_I have reread your letter more times than I can count. Dave keeps teasing me about it and I kindly tell him to shut the hell up. It's tucked into my pack along with your photo that I've already logged countless minutes looking at. (Is that creepy? I sure hope not.) Believe me when I say that although we haven't been parted for long, those words you wrote have already been a comfort to me._

_I can't really give you many details about where I am or what we're doing, but I can tell you that I'd much prefer being with you than being here. If I was to use a word to describe the overall feeling of being out here, it would be desolate. It's the opposite of how I feel when I'm around you. Here, I feel deserted, barren. When I'm with you, I feel complete. It's strange. I really do feel that I left myself in that airport with you. I can only hope that I have the opportunity to feel whole again the next time I see you._

_Returning to war wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. It seems my body remembers more than I thought. It was pretty easy to readjust and get back into the swing of things over here. We've begun our routine rounds and there hasn't been any combat yet. Key word is yet. _

_I guess that's what worries me. At any moment, this could all change. I hate to burden you with my fears, but I know you'll understand. I'm scared of being forced to leave you for good. That's nothing I would choose to do if I had any power over it. I'm on high alert everywhere we go, prepared for the oncoming assault when they decide to attack. I'm just trying to do whatever I can to come back to you. _

_I don't have much time to write, but just know that I love you more than I can say. You're all I cling to out here. The thought of you is all I need._

_I love you,_

_Eli_

I type rapidly against my laptop keyboard as I jot down my new ideas for my next article. Marianne has requested I continue to write personal, relatable articles. She says it screams my point of view much more than a factual, news story could. As anxious as it makes me to write about things close to my heart, I have to agree with her. After all, my writing about Eli was the strongest I've ever felt about what I wrote.

It's been three weeks since I last saw Eli at the airport. Three weeks since I held him last. Three weeks since I heard his voice. Three weeks since his lips touched mine. Three long weeks.

I received his letter yesterday and it had me smiling from beginning to end. I could practically hear his voice in my head narrating the letter out loud to me.

And it just made me miss him even more.

During the day, I manage to keep myself busy and occupied. Still, there are little things in each day that have me stopping in my tracks and sending up another prayer for his safety. For example, this afternoon, I was walking past a department store and there was a black leather jacket on display in the front window. Something as simple as that sends me on a relentless and unapologetic rollercoaster of emotions.

I find myself wondering where he is, what he's doing; if he's safe or if he's worried. Does he sleep well? Is he keeping healthy?

It gets worse at night. I toss and turn to no avail. My fears tend to overwhelm me and I almost always have to switch into an article of his clothing to sleep in. Only when his scent surrounds me am I able to drift to sleep.

I know they say that everything gets easier with time, but I feel as time goes on, being parted from Eli just continues to get more and more difficult.

_Dearest Eli,_

_Thank you for your letter. It is so good to hear from you. I have missed you so much! I literally find myself daydreaming about you all the time. You're always in my thoughts. Even when I fool myself into being busy and working nonstop, you mange to entangle yourself into my mind and I have to stop what I'm doing because the thought of you overwhelms me. In a good way, I promise._

_I'm glad to hear that you're adjusting well to life overseas. It's good to know that you were able to reinsert yourself into your surroundings without too much trouble. I wish there was something I could do to avail your fears, but I've tried everything to stop my own and I haven't come up with anything yet. Believe me, if I could, I would. _

_I suppose all we can do is remain firm in our faith in you. I know you are a strong soldier. There is no doubt in my mind that you will do whatever it takes to come back to me. As hard as this is for me to be separated from you with such a large distance between us, I believe in your skills and capabilities. You will come back to me. I just know it._

_These are things I repeat to myself all the time. I feel as if I'll go mad with worry if I don't. _

_I bet you're laughing to yourself right now. Typical Clare being a worry wart, overreacting and running with the paranoid thoughts in her mind. What else is new? Just don't forget you love this particular worry wart and I'm not letting you go. I guess you're stuck with me._

_I'm continuing to pray for you and Dave as you two are deployed. Alli and I are eagerly awaiting your return to us._

_Your love,_

_Clare_

"Goldsworthy!" I hear the leader of our platoon call me over.

"Sir?" I respond after jogging over to where he is located by our communications line.

"I need you and Turner on tower guard duty for the night," he informs me. "You'll release Adams and Tessar."

_Shit. _I groan inwardly. "Yes, sir," I reply dutifully, albeit reluctantly.

"This is only temporary. There's some rotations going on in other divisions," he explains.

I nod my head. "No problem, sir."

He nods his head to the side. "Go let Turner know. Your shift begins at twenty-two hundred hours."

"Yes, sir," I say before turning around and walking back to where Dave and I were playing cards with a few other guys.

"What was that about?" Dave asks when I reach them.

"Guess which two lucky bastards get tower guard tonight?" I ask him.

He drops his cards carelessly as he turns to me. "You're shitting me."

I shake my head. "We're in for a long night, my friend."

"But it's so _boring_," he complains.

"Yeah? Why don't you go and let Acklin know you can't do the job because it's too boring? I'm sure he'll understand," I tease him.

"I know, I know," Dave responds with a laugh. "Let's go get our dinner then."

Tower guard consists of standing at your post at one of the high towers located around the base. Your duty is to scan your zone and the surrounding areas. If anything appears out of place, it is your responsibility to communicate and react. I remember during training being told that it is a critical position. If you miss something, you're not only risking your own life, but the lives of everyone else as well.

You can't get distracted.

And if you even dare sleep, it's safe to say you're screwed.

Not everyone's first choice, but hell, it's not the worst.

So later that night I find myself stagnantly standing a good forty feet off the ground and having to somehow remain alert as I stare at the same landscape for the next few hours before rotating to a new psoition. The one thing I like about this is I'm alone with my thoughts. There isn't much time for privacy out here so if anything, at least I get some peace.

It's times like these were I let my mind drift off to Clare.

I don't think I fully understood what missing someone really meant until now. I don't just miss the idea of home, I miss _her_. I miss the sound of her laugh. I miss the way she bites her lip out of nervous habit. I miss the way she would always want to be touching me in some way, be it holding my hand or resting her head on my shoulder. I miss her embrace, her lips, her scent.

I miss everything about having Clare around.

But I do realize that there is a distinct change in me as a soldier from the last time I was deployed. I'm more assertive, more focused this time around.

I don't have to ask why. It's blatantly obvious.

It's because I found a reason worth fighting for.

_Hello there beautiful,_

_Your letter was a much welcomed breath of fresh air from the monotonous routine of my life over here. I know I've said this countless times before, but I must repeat it once again. Thank you for having such strong faith in me. Without your belief in me, I know I would not be where I am. It's what has me a new and improved soldier today. _

_Dave and I have been on tower guard duty all week. We have the night shift so at least the burning sun is not looming over us as we stand guard. But still, let me be the first to tell you that staring at the same spot for three hours straight is just as exhausting as it sounds. I have found a perk, however. I get to be at peace with thoughts of you as my companion._

_Luckily, we still haven't encountered any combat. Things have been relatively unexciting. No way in hell am I complaining though. It's just the way I like it. _

_Dave says hi by the way. He asks that you give a hug to Alli for him and tell her he loves her. Why he can't just say that to her in his own letter is beyond me. He claims this is more romantic. And if it is then please, would you give a hug to Clare Edwards and let her know Eli Goldsworthy loves her? I am forever in your debt._

_How is life back at home? Tell me about your day. I'd love to hear all about it, even the little details you think are boring. Believe me, it's always nice to hear of home every once in a while._

_I love you, my worry wart. Never change._

_Your Soldier,_

_Eli_

I knock on the bedroom door again. "Alli?" I ask aloud hesitantly. "Are you okay? You've been in there for a while now." When she doesn't respond, I turn the knob and slowly open the door.

My eyes catch her sitting on the side of her bed with her head down staring at a photo frame her hands are grasping tightly in her lap.

"Alli?" I say aloud gently.

I hear her sniffle before turning to me with tears in her eyes. "Did you know today is our anniversary?" She asks me in a shaky tone.

I feel my shoulders sag slightly at the sadness in her voice. I nod my head silently as I make my way over to her. "He's been good to you for five years now," I mention when I sit next to her. A smile makes it way onto my face as I take in the picture.

Alli is sitting on Dave's lap while he's sitting on a swing at the park down the street. The sun is shining down on them as his arms are wrapped securely around her and they are both laughing. It's a beautiful sight.

"I don't know why I'm crying," Alli states as she sighs under breath. "This isn't the first time I've been separated from him."

I grab one of her hands in mine. "Just because it isn't the first time doesn't mean it's supposed to magically be easier to deal with," I assure her.

She closes her eyes and rests her head on my shoulder. "Do you miss Eli?"

I smile softly. "More than I can say," I answer. "Oh, but Eli did mention in his letter that Dave wants me to hug you for him and to remind you that he loves you."

She pulls away from me. "He did not."

I nod my head. "He did!" I laugh. "I'll even show you the letter if you want."

She shakes her head with a chuckle. "No need. Typical Dave."

I open my arms out to her and she immediately responds to my embrace. "There," I say in a quiet tone. "Dave's hugging you right now."

I feel her warm tears on my cheek. "Thank you, Clare. Thank you so much."

_My Eli,_

_As always, hearing from you made me happier than I can say. Your letters have this uncanny ability to make being away from you a tad easier, but make me miss you even more. Weird, huh?_

_I'm happy to hear that you haven't experienced any combat yet. Is that selfish of me? I'm sure there are so many other soldiers currently in battle. I'm sure they have loved ones at home worrying about them. Sometimes when hearing the news, I feel a sense of relief that it's not your picture on my screen. I feel like a horrible person because there could be another girl like me mourning somewhere over the same man on that screen. I do pray for every soldier we hear about here on the home front and all the others we don't hear about, but there are times I am overcome with guilt for reacting the way I do. _

_Regardless, today was a fairly uneventful day. I visited my mom's for breakfast in the morning. She and Glenn are doing well. They asked a lot about you. Later, Jenna and I decided to take Alli out for some retail therapy. She's been pretty low recently, but I think some girl time definitely helped lift her spirits. Just for your information, I bought something that I think you will like. I'll give you two hints. Let's just say you'd have to take off some other clothing to get to it. Also, it's black and has a bit of lace. Just something else for you to look forward to when you get back. _

_And yes, in case you were wondering, I was as red as a tomato when buying it. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. The things I do for you…_

_I hope this letter finds you safe and manages to put a smile on your face as yours never cease to do for me. _

_I love you, Eli Goldsworthy and nothing will ever change that. I'm yours forever and always._

_Yours, _

_Clare_

_Dear Eli,_

_It's been a while since I've sent my last letter. I haven't heard back from you yet. I know you said that sometimes it takes a while for letters to reach you out there and some are lost or sent to the wrong place. But my goodness, my mind is racing all over the place. I'm more scared than I can say. I've never felt this fearful in my life. _

_I really don't know the purpose of this letter to you. Just please, please, please be safe. Please be alive. I'm honestly in tears writing this to you. I feel like someone has ripped out my insides and left me with a hollow space. Only you can fill me back up. So Eli Goldsworthy, please don't have left me. I can't even bear that thought. _

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

_Clare_

"Goldsworthy!" My head snaps up at the sound of my name. "It's your lucky day," the man jokes. "You get ten minutes."

I let out a sigh in relief. "Thank you," I tell him hurriedly before making my way into the communications room on base.

Around me there are multiple officers at work, communicating with other bases and with those back home. There are a few computers off to the side dedicated for the sole purpose of soldiers communicating with their loved ones back at home.

I just received both of Clare's letters. One of them took so damn long to reach me. And her second letter...I can't even imagine what she must be feeling right now. I can't say I've ever felt so heartbroken for someone else before. I requested some time on any available computer and luckily was granted time quickly.

I remember telling Clare to always leave her Skype session on and available so I could video chat with her. Most of our time is spontaneous like this so it couldn't be planned too well beforehand. Rushing, I log onto my account and immediately request a video call with her.

My leg bounces up and down nervously as the call tries to be connected. I stop fiddling with my thumbs when the ringing noise ceases and I _finally _get to see Clare's albeit pixilated, but still gorgeous face for the first time since I left her at the airport.

"Oh, thank God!" Clare exclaims as soon as the call connects.

You would think this would be easy. Just a normal conversation between a guy and his girl. But for some reason my linguistic abilities have deserted me. It doesn't seem to matter seeing as how Clare seems to rambling on the screen in front of me.

"I was so worried. Don't you dare scare me like that again, Eli! Do you know what I've been through? I have literally spent the last – "

"I love you," I interrupt her when I finally mange to find my voice.

I hear a sob escape Clare's lips as she hugs her hands to her chest. "I love you, too," she responds after a few moments.

"We're not very good at this," I tease and manage to get her to laugh. _Damn, I've missed that._

"It's alright. Just seeing you is enough. Nice face," she tells me gently before sitting down at the table I recognize to be in her kitchen.

"Nice face yourself. I'm sorry you were worried," I say softly.

She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter anymore. Gosh, I miss you."

"You're telling me?" I joke. "How are you?"

"Better now. I was just making some dinner. How about you?"

_Oh yeah, the time difference._ "I was just about to head over to get some breakfast," I tell her.

"But how are you?" She asks me again with a soft smile.

"I'm very happy at the moment," I smirk at her.

She playfully glares at me. "Eli."

I laugh. "I'm alright," I tell her sincerely. "We actually had some combat the other day." Her eyes widen at my words. "Don't freak out, I'm clearly fine." I assure her.

"I know, but it's still a scary thought," she comments in a whisper.

"It's so good to hear your voice," I tell her genuinely and as an effort to diver the topic. "And to actually get to see you."

"Right back at you," she says with a familiar expression on her face.

I laugh out loud. "Damn, I've missed that. I've missed _you_."

She giggles softly. "Believe me, I know how you feel." She glances to the side. "Give me one second. I know our time is limited, but just…I'll be right back!"

Before I can even stop her, she flashes away from my vision. I glance behind me quickly to make sure no one is coming to get me. True to her word, Clare returns moments later, a light pant escaping her lips from the quick exertion.

The first thing I notice is that she looks a bit disheveled. "Clare?" I ask curiously.

She bites her lip before reaching for the buttons on her cardigan. "I just thought I would give you a sneak peek of what I bought the other day," she says mischievously.

My eyes snap wide open at her comment and remain that way as she begins to button down her pink sweater. I make sure to cover the screen with my body so as to protect our privacy in an open room like this. I start to get a look at her new article clothing as it is slowly revealed to me. "Woah," I let out as I notice the conservative, yet undeniably_ sexy_ new piece of lingerie.

"Goldsworthy, wrap it up. Johnson, you're next." _Fuck, my life sucks._

Clare's fingers freeze at the interruption. She quickly buttons her cardigan back up. "Already?" She asks in shock.

"I know, I'm sorry. We don't get much time. But," I clear my throat. "I am looking forward to _that_ in a month," I smirk at her.

Even thought I can't tell visibly due to the low quality of the connection, I know for a fact there is a very evident blush on my girlfriend's cheeks. "I'm glad you liked it," she says nervously.

"I loved it," I correct her. "You know what else I love?"

She shakes her head teasingly. "Enlighten me."

"A very, very beautiful lady by the name of Clare Edwards. You might know her. She's pretty damn wonderful," I tell her with a smile.

Clare reaches out her hand and I presume she's touching my face on the screen. "I love you so much, Eli."

"Goldsworthy!"

I groan as I turn around at my name. "Yeah, one second," I respond.

"Stay safe," she continues. "Come back to me."

"Always," I assure her as I swallow the lump that has begun to form in my throat at the thought of having to disconnect from her.

"I'll see you in a month!" she exclaims hurriedly. "I love you!"

"I love you, too," I respond before reluctantly closing our video session.

That was simultaneously the best and the worst experience. Best because I got to actually see Clare and hear her voice. Plus, I got a little something sexy at the same time. Worst because it had to end at some point. And I hate that I always have to leave her. I cannot wait for the day when I won't have to leave her anymore.

_Dearest Eli,_

_Seeing your face, especially after worrying over your safety for so long, was absolutely amazing. It made me miss you even more than I already did, but it was so worth it. Thank you for taking the time to do that. It meant the world to me, as do you._

_We are three weeks away! Three weeks away from being together once again. We've already made it three months and one week. We can overcome these last three weeks. Piece of cake, right? Right? Okay maybe not. But we can get through this. We've gotten through much worse together. _

_I can't wait to hug you again. I can't wait to feel your arms around me. I've never felt more loved, more secure than in your arms. I am looking forward to feeling that way again._

_I can't wait to kiss you again. That may sound weird, but my lips are desperately missing yours. They can get pretty impatient. Don't make them wait too much longer._

_I can't wait to hear your voice again. It's my favorite sound in the whole world!_

_I can't wait to hold your hand again. I love the feeling of being connected with you. I feel stronger, almost as if when we're connected, our two bodies form into one powerful entity. I know that may sound strange, but I can't word it any different. _

_I can't wait to be with you again._

_I read this once in one of my favorite novels. It feels very pertinent right now._

_Eli Goldsworthy, my heart is, and always will be, yours. I love you._

_(Im)patiently waiting for your safe return,_

_Clare _

I settle into my seat in the back of the vehicle we've all crowded into. Our platoon is headed towards a night raid mission. We've been told there has been suspicious activity in a town nearby and we're going to meet up with another group of soldiers coming from the north. There's one individual the higher-up's are specifically in search of. That's what night raids are critical for. Much of the time, we're able to acquire a target or escape with some sort of intelligence.

From his seat next to me, Dave silently reaches his hand out to me and we perform our traditional handshake. "I'll watch your back, bro," Dave says.

"Like it's my own," I finish for him.

As I've begun doing, I reach into my pack and sneak glance at the picture of Clare I take with me everywhere I go. I like to think of her as my guardian angel, the one thing keeping me safe.

"Two weeks," Dave comments as he gestures to my picture with his head.

"I know," I respond as I pocket the picture. "Home stretch."

"Did I tell you what Alli said in her last letter?" Dave asks me with a smirk on his face.

I chuckle at the expression. "She's taking pink out of the wedding?" I ask hopefully.

He laughs out loud at my comment. "Sorry, but no."

"Then what?" I ask as my mind drifts back to when Clare first told me of Alli's color scheme for the upcoming nuptials.

_"Alli is determined to have a lot of pink at the wedding," Clare informs me when I ask about how the wedding planning went yesterday. "And I tried explaining to her that pink just isn't my color," she laughs out. "But it's her day and I'll wear whatever she wants me to."_

_"Easy for you to say. You look beautiful in whatever you wear. I, on the other hand, am __not__ wearing any pink. I don't care what Dave wants," I chuckle from next to her._

_Clare purses her lips, but fails in suppressing her laughter._

_"What?" I ask._

_"You – You would look ridiculous in pink," she giggles._

_I drop her hand dramatically. "Well then," I retort as I walk in front of her._

_"Wait!" she yells out as she speeds up to catch up to me. She manages to cut me off and come to a stop in front of me. She lifts her hands and grabs the collar of my grey button up shirt. "I just happen to prefer you in darker colors." She lifts herself up on her toes and whispers in my ear, "After all, black is sexy."_

_She pulls back and giggles at my shocked and amused expression. _

_"Well then," I repeat my words from earlier and wrap an arm around her shoulders contentedly. _

As fate would have it, I wouldn't get to hear exactly what Alli had written in her letter seeing as how at that exact moment the vehicle traveling a little ways in front of us drove directly over a strategically planted landmine, causing a ball of consuming fire to explode in front of us. Thus, making the last thought in my mind before the adrenaline kicked in, the one of Clare's frame tucked safely into my side.

**Alright folks! Home stretch coming up. We have one more chapter left to our lovely Eli and Clare's journey. I'm honestly so sad just thinking that this story is one chapter away from ending. But let's not think of that until the time comes. As always, your thoughts are welcomed with open arms and very much appreciated! Thanks for reading loves! Until next time, bye now! :) **


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